The Daily Binge

Episode 206, “Hard-Hearted Hannah.” Air date: 7/26/09.

Okay, I’m settling in with my laptop, my Blackberry, and my Tutti Frutti Jelly Bellies. Yes! I’m so pumped (blood-pumped?) to see what’s going to happen on this week’s True Blood. I think I read that things are going to get really good with Jessicoyt (that’s the best I can do with Jessica and Hoyt… Hoyssica? Joyt?) in 207, but hopefully we see a little bit of something tonight, even though Jessica is still in Dallas.

I have to say before we start, I love that the vampires on this show are VAMPIRES. Since we last spoke I checked out a BBC show called “Being Human,” because the LA Times gave it a little shoutout last weekend. (What, did you think I was really going to do calistenics? This blog is about TV and snacks because my life is TV and snacks.) Gotta say, I was really disappointed with the vampire on that show. It made me appreciate True Blood that much more.

The premise of “Being Human” is that a vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost all share an apartment together. First offense: The vampire went outside during the day. Annoying, but not a dealbreaker. Second offense: He ate pizza! That was just too much. Did his vampire rulebook get lost in the mail?! (FACT: Vampire Bill cannot eat pizza. Or ice cream. Duh.)

I think the tragedy of being a vampire is looking human but not being able to partake in fun human activities, like going outside during the day and eating delicious foods (and growing old with your beloved, and having a family… but, you know, mainly things like eating pizza). The third offense (which made me turn it off), was that the ghost girl was making tea and talking to the pizza delivery boy. Uh, talking to everyday people and moving objects around with ease? A poltergeist, maybe.

Okay, okay. Enough of that. Let’s get this party started…

Ooh, sad swirly HBO commercial. Can’t wait for “Bored to Death.” “How can you love someone if you’re in a fog the whole time?” I DON’T KNOW!

TV-MA (No moms allowed!)

Previously On… shapeshifting, Jessicoyt! (yay! this means they’re going to be somewhere in there tonight), Lafayette, Maryann (BOO!), Sookie’s off to the Felllowship, hand jobs, “Godric is my maker,” etc. Speaking of makers… here’s Bill’s.

Eric is drinking from a girl in the hotel bar. In bowling alley seats? Eek, this feels really public. Get a room. He’s sucking her neck, but he’s looking away… is he watching TV? His snack calls him “baby,” and he gets upset… ugh, not much thrill left in feeding on the willing. (Is she a porn star?) I think Eric would enjoy this a lot more if this girl were a dude, that’s all I’m saying. She plays scared, and Eric goes back to feeding, but he’s very meh about it. (His heart’s not in it! Get it?)

So I guess Lorena (Bill’s maker) heard Bill and Sookie having sex and got all fangy at the end of last episode, but by now has decided not to interrupt them? Anticlimactic. As Lorena wanders the hotel we see a shot of her dress sweeping the floor, and the fabric looks like curtains. It’s very “The Sound of Music.” Oh hey, Lorena is here to talk to Eric.

Eric dismisses the girl he’s been sucking. She’s a prostitute! (Not a shock.) “Tell your manager you were magnificent. I’ll back up your story if he calls.” Who ever said Eric wasn’t a stand-up guy? What a softie. Ooh, he’s the one who invited Lorena here. Eric is stirring up so much drama! What a drama queen. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Bill and Sookie are making out in bed when there is a knock at the door. Guess who? Oh wait, it’s not Lorena. It’s Isabel and Human Hugo. “He is mine,” Isabel says. Aha! No wonder she had such an interest in Sookie/Bill.

Cut to: Bill and Sookie are wearing those hideous brown hotel robes. Couldn’t they have taken ten seconds to get dressed, while the True Bloods heated in the microwave? Whatever.

Isabel has come to offer help because Godric is her sherrif. Hugo wants to help because he loves Isabel. Sookie listens to Hugo’s mind, and he’s saying, “Forever and not just my forever. Your forever, and forever, forever, forever…” Is that romantic or creepy? Sookie thinks it’s romantic, and she’s supposed to. I think it’s creepy (FORESHADOWING). Also, Hugo seems a little “vanilla pudding.” (More foreshadowing.)

Isabel wants Hugo to accompany Sookie to the Fellowship, because “people of the church, they have a way of not trusting a woman when she’s absent a man.” Sooke agrees because she’s been absent a man all her life, and she’s felt the sting of single lady discrimination. All the single ladies! Bill puts his arm around Sookie. Aww. If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it!

Eric/Lorena are in the hotel bar. “I considered booking you in the room adjoining theirs,” Eric says, re: Sookie/Bill. “But I thought that might be a bit… over the top.” Oh, Eric and his theatrics. Over the top! Lorena just wants to know why she’s there, and calls Eric “Mr. Northman.” Please, Mr. Northman is my father. “Bill has something I want, and he’s in the way.” Ooh, it’s Sookie. She’s more than human, and Bill loves her. Is Eric jealous that Bill’s in love? He sounds so wistful.

Lorena says, “What makes you think I’d want him back? That I’d even take him.” Eric leans forward. “Because you didn’t come all this way just to see me.” Lorena hasn’t seen Bill in over seventy years, and Eric says that he hasn’t seen his maker “for much longer than that. And yet I am still loyal to him.” Hmm, maybe Eric and Godric are not boyfriends after all? Or are they just on-again, off-again? Lorena says that Eric is not really her type. Is Eric gay or not? I’m so confused. He’s at least bi-curious, right?

Match Cut Flashback, from piano to piano: Bill is playing the piano (and singing!) in Chicago, 1926. Is this a vampire party? Was Bill lying when he told Sookie that vamps led miserable, underground lives before they “came out of the coffin”? This isn’t as bad as he was making it out to be. (Oh Sookie, if you only knew all of the lush parties I had to go to. It was torture. I had to wear a tux!) Oh, I think this is a drinking party. A drinking-from-humans party? During the Prohibition Era! Ha!

And it turns out, the rest of the guests are unsuspecting humans. Lorena chats up the human party hosts, and we find out that she and Bill are pretending to be “Fabiana Olivier” and “Guillon/Leon” (?), from France. Lorena gets the hosts to agree to a post-party four-way, which is not going to go well for them. They’d better cancel that trip to Europe. “She’s a girl who loves to make men suffer,” Bill sings, and we know that it’s true because Lorena made HIM suffer, for sure. But we don’t know the half of it. Not yet.

Bill finishes his song and introduces himself to the hosts. The scary Haunted House score warns us that bad tidings are brewing. His French accent is still pretty Southern (is that on purpose?), but he charms the hosts enough that they aren’t suspicious. “Fuck Prohibition!”

Sam and Daphne are lying on the pool table like it’s a bed, having a post-coital conversation. Doesn’t Sam live next door? Couldn’t they transfer to the bed? (Also, I found out via the Interwebs that last week’s rack/balls exchange was a pool joke. All I do is blog, how was I to know?)

Sam finally asks her about the scratches on her back. She says, “When I take my clothes off, it’s all anybody ever sees.” Daphne claims that she never saw what did it to her, and it sounds like it happened a while ago? She was running in the woods when she got attacked, and then she was mysteriously sick and almost died. Okay, that answers my questions. But– why DIDN’T she die?

Sam is enchanted by her story. “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met.” Daphne smiles. “You’re just saying that because I’m the first honest sex you’ve ever had.” Daphne wants to know if Sam has told anybody else that he’s a shapeshifter. Sam tells her that Sookie knows.

Daphne: And… have you slept with her?
Sam: No.
Daphne: Well, that was my guess.

Oh, snap!

Daphne tells Sam not to be ashamed of what he is, not to keep it a secret from those who love him. (But wait, didn’t she just burn him by saying that women won’t want to sleep with him if they know?) Sam doesn’t want to take the risk, with all the danger out there.

Sam: Why take a risk?
Daphne: ‘Cause not taking a risk is… riskier.
Sam: That’s just wordplay.

Good one, Sam.

But Daphne is serious. “No. No it’s not. The way I look at it, if you’re gonna take the danger out of getting to know someone, might as well not bother with them at all. You’ve got to share this life with people. It’s what we were put on this big old round ball to do.” Big old round ball(s). Ha. Nice balls, Sam.

Sam is impressed by Daphne’s words. “Where the fuck did you come from?” he asks, and they kiss. Right around now, I’m wondering what Daphne’s purpose is in the story. She can’t just be here to make Sam feel special. That seems too easy.

Maryann and company have been living in Sookie’s house for, what, one day? Already the house is fucked. Tara’s on hold with the water heater troubleshooters. Eggs is the man of the house, and he’s tinkering with the water heater. “I’ve got this,” he says. (Actual dialogue: Eggs: “No offense.” Carl: “None taken.” Ha. Carl is massaging Maryann’s feet.)

Okay, after all that coercion to get Tara to agree on this arrangement, Maryann hates living here. “Tara, you may not know this about me, but without a hot shower in the morning, I have NO tolerance for sarcasm.” You are not winning friends and influencing people, Maryann. You are being an insane bitch. (Just when I thought Maryann couldn’t get any more terrible. Ugh.) Just go back to the manse, lady.

I used to think Tara was a bitch, but she was wearing training wheels. Maryann has a double black belt. Is she on her Maenad period or what? Last night she was practically St. Maryann.

Tara has to drive two hours to get the part they need. Maryann doesn’t want Eggs to go, but Tara needs him to navigate or she’ll crash the Jag. What, Maryann doesn’t have GPS?

Churchtown. Luke and Jason have been summoned to do a special task. They meet Sarah and Steve Newlin on the lawn next to the church. Steve holds up a hand drill as if it’s a gun. Boys? Drills? Gay gay gay. Luke smiles. Steve laughs a very creepy laugh. Also, think back to how many times we’ve seen Steve handling weapons. Gay and sinister. Rhymes with minister!

The Newlins want Luke and Jason to build a platform with a cross on top. Oh God, I think it’s for a terrible ceremony. Jason wonders if they’re being punished, specifically if he’s being punished for receving his Sex Reward. (Of course, Steve doesn’t know about the Sex Reward.) Sarah is overtly pissy today. Maybe she’s on her religious period. They’re all syncing up! “I shouldn’t have to remind you,” she snaps at Jason. “But Jesus was a carpenter.” Steve laughs again, “Oh my golly, I didn’t even think of the parallels!” Haha. Maybe Jason/Jesus is not living up to Sarah’s expectations! Jesus would have called her by now.

Steve wants to tell Jason and Luke a secret, because they are “the best of the best.” (Why is Luke still in their good graces? Last we saw him, he was crying at fence-climbing practice.) Sarah does not approve. Steve asks the boys if they can keep a secret. Luke says he’ll “take it to the grave.” (Haha, is this foreshadowing that he will die? Or just the dramatics of drama queen Luke?) Jason just says, “I hope so.” I love the honesty of that. He can’t guarantee that he’ll keep a secret. And I love that Steve tells him anyway.

The platform is for a “Meet the Sun” ceremony (my spidey sense was right!). Luke explains: You chain a vampire to the cross before dawn, and the congregation watches the vampire ignite as the sun rises. “Jesus Christ!” Jason says. Steve misunderstands that Jason is awed by the power of Jesus. “Well, yes him, but the Sun too.” Ha! Jason is not enthused about contributing to this ceremony.

In the bar at the vampire hotel. Hugo and Sookie are preparing to pose as an engaged couple, complete with a ring, furnished by Hugo. Sookie accepts it, saying, “Oh Hugo! Yes. Yes, a thousand times yes.” Haha. All the single ladies! He liked it, so he put a ring on it.

Hugo proposes (ha!) that Sookie should let him do most of the talking at the Fellowship. Sookie agrees, not because she’s a shrinking violet but because she wants to focus on reading minds. Hugo is worried that Sookie won’t be able to pretend to hate vampires as much as she needs to. She reminds him that she’s used to hearing things that are so hateful, people don’t even want to say them out loud. Eek.

Speaking of hearing thoughts, no Barry this week. I refuse to believe that we’ve seen the last of him, or why introduce him to begin with?

Sookie is enthused to talk to somebody else else who has dated a vampire. Before she can even finish broaching the subject, Hugo interrupts. “What do you want to know?” It’s funny because it’s so direct. I already like Hugo even though I have a (spoiler alert!) Bad Feeling about him, based on Wikipedia’ing the book series.

Do Hugo and Isabel ever fight? Sookie wants to know. Hugo and Isabel fight like crazy, because he cares enough to bother! “Hugo, that is MESSED UP!” Sookie says. But it’s true! Even when Sookie’s screaming at Bill, she knows they’re both fighting to stay together. Awww? Love is creeping me out tonight.

Lately, Hugo and Isabel have been fighting the most about the subject of Isabel turning Hugo into a vampire. When Hugo brings it up, Isabel refuses to discuss it. Sookie’s shocked. “Is that a thing that people actually do, because it never even occurred to me,” she says. REALLY? Come on, Sookie. In the words of Hugo, “How could it not?” He doesn’t think that Isabel will still love him, when he’s eighty and using a walker, and she’s still Smoking Hot.

Sookie is obviously upset, and Hugo apologizes for bringing it up. Seriously, Sookie, this is the kind of thing vampire-human couples discuss. Get with the program. I think that Sookie is unhappy with the fact that Hugo based his rationale on appearances, because she snarks, “Now if I die today, who cares? I’ll never have to feel old and unloved and unwanted.” (Ouch.)

Tara and Eggs are driving Maryann’s car, bitching about Maryann. My thoughts exactly! “You’re a hell of a navigator, you know,” Tara says to Eggs. Haha. In bed. Suddenly Eggs gets a weird psychic feeling that they are going to see a diner/barn. And then– they DO see a diner/barn. Eggs tells Tara to hang a right, and she parks the car. He gets out of the car and walks into the woods, and Tara follows him, even though she has a Bad Feeling. Freaky Friday!

Terry and Arlene are at Merlotte’s, preparing for work. Arlene has a surprise for him tonight, but Terry doesn’t like surprises. PTSD! “Well that’s too bad,” Arlene says. “Because I just happen to be an extremely mysterious woman.” Ha! That comes off about as smoothly as when I say that type of thing (aka, it is laugh-worthy). Terry still looks uncomfortable. Can we all agree that it’s probably a sex surprise? And that Arlene is being kind of insensitive to Terry’s PTSD-related needs? She’s kind of a bitch this season. (Maybe it has to do with finding out that her fiance was a serial killer at the end of last season. That could mess you up for a while.)

Daphne is still being a bad waiter, this time to Hoyt’s mom, Maxine, and Maxine’s lady-friend. Maxine ordered an iced tea five minutes ago! And she needs some Worchestershire! Daphne rushes to the kitchen, but Maxine doesn’t have high hopes of ever getting that iced tea. She quips that she isn’t too upset about having a bad waitress, because if you’re too good at waitressing around here, somebody kills you. “You are so bad, Maxine,” her friend says. Just wait until she finds out about Hoyt!

Andy comes to Merlotte’s to question Lafayette, and finds him painting glaze onto a cookie sheet’s worth of potatoes. Andy noticed that Lafayette vanished for over two weeks, and seems to have lost some of his “pizzazz.” Ha. “My pizzazz?” Lafayette confirms. Andy nods, serious. “That’s right.” The blue scarf on Lafayette’s head really brings out his eyeshadow.

The night Lafayette disappeared, Miss Jeanette died. She ripped off Lafayette’s cousin (Tara) and aunt, and Andy isn’t totally off-base coming to this conclusion. The Fool who nobody listens to is always the one they ought to be listening to. It’s Shakespeare, people. (On the other hand, Lafayette didn’t kill Miss Jeanette, so…)

Lafayette tells Andy that he was on a cruise. “A gay one.” Heh. Andy’s not buying it. “If you were, you would have come back with more pizzazz, not less.” That’s some sound logic, right there. Andy threatens to lock Lafayette up and “leave [him] in a cell to rot” until he confesses, and now Lafayette is PTSD’ing. He falls to the floor, and in his mind he sees Eric yelling at him. But Eric is wearing Andy’s clothes, and looks very “The Office.” Ha.

Luckily Terry (Andy’s couin) steps into the kitchen in time to realize what’s happening, and he won’t let Andy take Lafayette to the station. “What the hell, Andy?” he says, pushing him away from Lafayette. “Back when we were kids and we used to play cops and robbers in Meemaw and Pappo’s back yard, you made your arrests with dignity.” Besides that, Andy “aint even a cop anymore,” since the sheriff confiscated his badge a few episodes back. (How much more do I love Terry after that Meemaw and Pappo thing? A lot. And I didn’t even know I could like him more than I already did!)

Andy leaves the kitchen, his tail between his legs (not literally–that’s Sam’s department). (Terry reminds me of Zach Galifianakis, a little bit, in an entirely benevolent way.) He kneels down next to Lafayette. “It’s okay buddy,” he says, “Come here.” Terry pulls a tearful Lafayette into a hug and tells him to close his eyes and imagine a golden glowing ball (ha) radiating warmth and safety.

Terry FTW, forever. Knowing that Terry is a recent war vet makes this scene even more great. Here’s this burly war veteran, hugging the pizzazz-iest gay man in Lousiana with all the sincerity and warmth in the world. It’s really touching. Also, I’m guessing from this exchange that Terry goes to some sort of therapy, because somebody must be doing this for him. I’m glad to know that he’s getting help! I’m also glad that Terry has become such a developed character on this show. I liked him from the first episode we saw him in (remember how he hugged Bill at the Descendents of the Glorious Dead event?).

HOYT! Two of my faves in a row (and another minor character whose role keeps expanding, to my delight). Hoyt barges into Merlotte’s, all sweaty and in his orange safety vest. His mama canceled his cell phone service, even though he paid the bill! OH NO. (And I like that he pays his own bills.) “God dangit, Mama! Now Jessica’s probably gonna think I’m like one of those guys that never texts back.” HA! Maxine thinks Jessica is a gold digger. Who else would call that late at night? “We don’t have any money,” Hoyt says, exasperated. “That’s not true,” Maxine sniffs. And then, for the benefit of her friend: “We’re very comfortable.” Maxine cracks me up.

Maxine’s not finished. “I told you I would let you date a girl like that over my dead body, and I mean it.” Oooh, over her dead body? What about over Jessica’s dead body? That would be easy, because Jessica is dead. “Reactivate it, or the next step’s gonna be all mine,” Hoyt says, and that’s a threat. Is he going to kill his mama, or what?

“And one last thing about my girlfriend.” Oh my gosh, is he going to say it? Say it, Hoyt! Don’t say it! Ahhh, what’s going to happen? “The reason that Jessica calls me, all late like she does, is that she’s a vampire.” YESSSSSS!!! Now it’s Hoyt FTW! Hoyt walks away looking pret-ty smug. Maxine is shocked speechless. Her friend pats her on the hand. That’s cold comfort, but not as cold or as comfortable as Jessica. Oh, snap!

Daphne/Sam talk in a back area of Merlotte’s. He can’t work. He keeps seeing Daphne on the pool table. He wants to have a quickie and run and play! Sam is a bad boss when it comes to sexual harrassment issues, as Bill pointed out when Sam took Sookie as his date to the Descendents of the Glorious Dead meeting. But he manages to convince Daphne to go out back with him. If Maxine didn’t already get her iced tea, she’s definitely not getting it now.

Luke invents a stupid song set to the tune of “Little Bunny Foo Foo” as he nails away (ha) at the wooden platform. Jason hammers his thumb, because he is stupid. “No, you’re just preoccupied,” Luke says. “Come on out with it, and I hope I don’t have to remind you you’re wearing your ring of honesty.” This scene has so many hilarious gay undertones (overtones?). Come out, Jason. Come on out with it. Whip out your truth.

Jason tries to broach the subject of the Sarah/hand job situation. Luke says that if Sarah “ain’t the holiest person I know, then I don’t know who is.” That’s true if he meant holy as in, her logic is full of holes. There is at least one more joke about Sarah/Jason and holes that I could make here, but I will just leave it to your imagination.

Jason brings up the fact that Luke has been abstinent for the last three years. Luke’s not that old, so I want to know what his deal was before that. Of course, Jason cannot understand abstinence (he laughs and says, “How come?”… HA), so Luke breaks it down for him: “Sex outside of marriage is a sin.” “Do you really believe that?” Jason asks. “It’s not what I believe,” Luke says. (Huh?) “It’s what GOD believes.” (Oh. Okay, then.) “Some sins are bigger than others,” Luke continues. For example, sex outside of wedlock shouldn’t be with a married woman. (Uh oh!)

“Right, ’cause adultery’s bad,” Jason says. He sounds like a kid in the principal’s office who wants to seem sorry for stealing another kid’s lunch money. “It’s right up there with incest and bestiality,” Luke says. “But all of them put together ain’t half as bad as if you do it to a vampire… Or to a dude. Or a vampire dude. That’s like cream de la cream [that's how he says it] of sins. There ain’t no repentence for that.” Do you think that Luke has been abstinent for three years because he wants to do it to a dude? My vote is yes. Luke wants some of that cream de la cream.

Jason looks troubled. Maybe it’s because his sister is doing it with a vampire dude. Nah, it’s probably because he wants to have sex with a married lady. A married lady whose husband is always holding weapons and power tools. Luke says that Jason can repent for anything except that vampire dude stuff. “God’s an open-minded guy. To a point.” Sure.

Jason is not enthused about all this abstinence stuff. But he figures out a good line for Luke’s “Little Bunny Foo Foo” song! “The big old scary vampire/Went to the sun to fry.” Hey, that’s also the “Itsy Bitsy Spider” tune. (I wonder what it says about me, that my mind went straight to “Little Bunny Foo Foo”? I think it had something to do with Luke.) Not sure what Jason’s feeling as we leave this scene. It’s very ambiguous. Ha!

Speaking of that sister who is banging a vampire dude, at the end of the scene we see a car drive by in the distance, entering the compound. This is where where two worlds collide. Sarah Newlin waves Hugo and Sookie into a parking space. “You know, in person, she looks like vanilla pudding,” Sookie observes.

Sarah “just happened to be looking out the window” and decided to come greet them in person. She’s a bad liar, and I’m already feeling suspicious. Sookie introduces herself as “Holly Simpson” and Hugo as “Rufus Dobson.” Fake names all around this episode. I bet Sookie/Holly can’t wait to get back to Leon/Guillon/Bill.

Sookie isn’t giving “Rufus” a chance to talk, because she talks too much when she gets nervous. Sookie calls Sarah “cute as a button,” and Sarah shoots right back that Sookie is “like a cool breeze on a hot summer day.” “Quit!” Sookie says, and I agree. Their whole exchange happens so fast that it feels really fake, despite the extra-bubbly delivery. The similes must be a Southern hospitality thing, because I usually just say things like, “I like your shirt,” which generally means that I wish I had that shirt and/or that I could look good in a shirt like that.

Sookie and Hugo are fake-looking for a church to get fake-married in. Because they fake-met in church, but left when they realized that their pastor was maybe a homosexual, definitely a vampire sympathizer. Steve’s looking really sinister behind his desk. Even the picture of Jesus looks sinister. Even the way that Sarah is standing behind him looks sinister. The lighting and the low camera angle are the real clinchers. This is a sinister scene.

And we haven’t even heard Steve’s thoughts yet. He “can’t wait to bring that vampire up from the basement and watch the sun do him the justice that two thousand years of living couldn’t.” UH OH! Godric is in the basement. Even after hearing that, Sookie stays in her role: “I know that every single [vampire] is a vicious bloodthirsty killer.” (Foreshadowing!)

Can you foreshadow somebody else’s flashback? Lorena is in the vamp hotel, remembering the torture of the 1920s couple. Bill and Lorena are sucking the host-couple’s blood and then making out with each other. Also, they’re going to live in the couple’s house. They’re like Bonnie and Clyde! Bill rape/sucks the wife in front of the husband, but leaves her bleeding. (He doesn’t finish, in both senses of the word.) Why are they doing this? Because they can!

I don’t really understand why they let all of the lady’s nice blood go to waste. Poor lady. Just when you think Bill’s going to put her out of her misery, he reaches down and… steals her necklace? And gives it to Lorena. Nice. Then he has sex with Lorena right next to the woman, who is still alive. (She doesn’t like to watch.) The host-wife is so tragic in that 1920s Great Gatsby way. She even looks like Daisy Buchanan.

Now I understand why Bill feels so shitty about his vampire past. He was a terrible guy. (And also, his face is a little too white in this scene. It looks powdered. Which it is, I’m sure.) The sex is really bloody. Ugh, you guys, this is hard to watch, even though I know they’re just on a set and that it’s all make-believe corn syrup blood. Sweet Jesus. (Although on second viewing I am laughing hysterically. They’re smearing each other in blood. It’s over-the-top. And blood makes me nervous. Nervous laughter. And when I’m nervous I talk too much.)

Lorena is lying on the hotel bed in the present. holding her necklace and looking so wistful.  “Aww, memories,” my roommate says, hilariously. Does Lorena realize how horrific that was? Or is she still up to the same tricks?

Tara and Eggs continue to trek through the woods. Where are they going? Eggs doesn’t know. “I don’t know ain’t a place, Eggs,” Tara says. “It’s a state of mind! A state of mind I don’t like being in!” If you liked that golden gem of a saying, keep reading. She’s just warming up.

They happen upon… a pair of blue jeans? Terrifying! Eggs remembers that he’s been in this clearing before… probably? There are pictograms on the rocks, and a bloody shirt, and the remains of a fire. Eggs knows that something horrible happened here. “Usually when shit don’t make sense it means there’s a logical explanation for it,” Tara says. Oh, the wisdom of Tara! “You just haven’t thought of [it] yet.” “Maybe it’s from when you were a little kid?” she guesses. But those jeans would be decomposed by now. Come on, Tara.

But Eggs grew up in Memphis, in foster homes. His voice is cracking, and he’s freaking his shit out. He sees a bloody rock, and squats down next to it. “We end up right here looking at this?” Eggs says, “Tara, this ain’t no fucking coincidence.” He’s crying and Tara puts her arms around him, but I’m not sure what’s going on. I think he’s just generally freaking out about whatever it is that he can’t figure out, and about his sudden psychic powers. Can I venture to guess that this has something to do with Maryann?

Back at the Church. Steve is leading the group, and talking into his cell phone. “See you soon,” he says. Foreshadowing! Steve pauses before opening the doors to the chapel. “Careful now,” he says. “Sometimes when we open these doors, so much love comes flowing out that it will knock you down if you’re not ready for it.” Ugh, Steve, put down your corndog. You probably eat corndogs, even.

The church is really, really bright inside. The light is really golden and heavenly. But ugh, it would be impossible to pray in there. So much squinting. You know when you get on the freeway at the wrong time of day and end up driving straight into the blinding pre-sunset light? That’s pretty much what it looks like in the chapel, because of the giant window. Bad planning. Actually– good planning, because Sarah says that she loves the late afternoon light. She must not do a lot of driving.

Right about now, Sookie reads that Steve and Sarah know who she is. Steve asks Sookie if she’s been to a “lock in,” and his mind says, “Of course she hasn’t. She’s no Christian.” Sarah’s mind says, “Come on, Steve, don’t bring the girl into this. She’s probably so scared, she doesn’t want to be doing this. Those vampires made her do it.” “I wonder if that fang-loving Freakazoid can hear me right now,” Steve thinks. “She sure don’t look normal.” Ouch! That’s a burn on Anna Paquin.

Sookie wants to go home RIGHT NOW and get her sleeping bag for the lock-in. Hugo doesn’t want to go because the tour isn’t over yet? Hugo, follow Sookie’s cues! She’s the mind-reader here. This is when I start to think that Hugo is in on the whole Newlin plot. If not, he’s extremely thick.

Oh no, Drill Sergeant Gabe is here. NOT a good sign. Gabe shakes Sookie’s hand and thinks, “Nice. Very nice. She’s got just the perfect amount of titties showing.” Ugh. What a class act. Gabe is joining them on the tour. RUN, Sookie! Jump the fence!

Andy is drinking and driving. You wouldn’t see that on network television! Trust. Andy sees a pig in the road. With Sam the dog? Or the dog that is Sam’s friend? Confusing. Andy stops the car. “I know that pig!” Andy grabs his gun, and cocks it. Uh oh!

“Piiig!” He takes off running after the pig and the dog. Why is Andy so stupid? “Wait up, Pig!” He trips on a branch and falls. “Stupid fucking pig!” Oh Andy, you shouldn’t drink and drive. Or run around with a cocked gun in your hand, and potentially fall on it.

Daphne and Sam are done with their sex and their run. Daphne’s already in a bra. (This is the first of a whole series of scenes of women in their bras. I’m assuming that they all have no-nudity clauses, especially Daphne at this point, but it jars me because last season Bon Temps was nude central.) Oh, and Daphne was the pig! It’s her “go-to shift.” And that was Sam-dog. He was expecting to see her become a deer again. Haha. She turned into a deer to pull him in, and now that she has him, she’s a pig. (I think that’s a metaphor for dating. For some people. Not for me!)

Sam’s weirded out that Andy recognized her (as a pig). “Isn’t pig exactly what you would call a pig that you didn’t know?” Daphne reasons. Ugh, Daphne, you and your wordplay. Sam is not satisfied with that answer, and Daphne shuts him up by giving him a blow job (eek, I accidentally typed “blog job” at first– Freudian slip?). The bird-chirping sounds get really loud here, for some reason.

Lafayette’s in the kitchen, sorting through sausages? Ha. Pam sneaks up behind him. Oh Pam, where have you been? I’m so glad to see her! She’s wearing a fierce striped jacket and sunglasses, even though she literally never goes in the sun. She knows how to work those accessories. The sunglasses are making her hair look big, like she’s wearing a Bumpit. (Have you seen those commercials? They really should be called Bump-Its, because I read it as Bum-Pit. Yuck.)

“Remember me?” Pam asks. Oh course, Lafayette jumps a mile. “Awww, you do.” Pam’s small talk is amazing. “How’s life?” (Literally, how is it to be alive? Pam is dead.) Lafayette’s not so sure she’s real, after the PTSD’ing. She’s dead, AND she’s real. Crazy. She looks around the refrigerated room. “Hmm, this is nice. I could sleep here in a pinch.” (Wow, did it just get really “Moonlight” in here? Also, does she sleep in the fridge/freezer at Fangtasia?)

He hasn’t said anything to anybody! “And I knew you wouldn’t,” Pam purrs. Lafayette really wishes that they had glamoured him, right about now. (Leave Lafayette Alone! Somebody needs to make a video for the Youtubes.) But they didn’t glamour him, because they wanted him to remember that he owes them. Eric wants Lafayette to sell V for him? Lafayette is confused. He thought selling V was the reason why they tortured him. Obviously, some sort of black market black market is what’s going on.

Now it’s night at the Church, and the tour of the Fellowship church continues. (Longest. Tour. Ever.) Steve is taking them to see his father’s tomb, on the lower level. Sarah kind of freaks out when she hears this, because we already know that she wants to keep Sookie out of this mess. “You will literally feel the presence of [my father's] spirit,” Steve says. (Gross!) “It’s okay, we don’t need to see it,” Sookie replies, picking up on Sarah’s panicked vibe (and already freaking out in her own right). But Steve insists. “It’s the rock that our church was built on, much like St. Peter’s tomb in the Catholic church, only without being polluted by evil. Did you know that there was actually a vampire Pope back in the Middle Ages?” Right. Yeah.

During that manic little speech, Hugo smiles back at someone. It’s hard to tell with the cutting, but I think he’s smiling at Steve? And then he looks back at Gabe. Creepy. But even Hugo doesn’t want to go down the stairs to the tomb. He protests that he and Sookie are both claustrophobic. Also, they already decided to get married here. Finally Steve and Gabe just cut to the chase and grab Sookie and Hugo. (I’m still suspicious about Hugo, though.)

Bill hears Sookie’s screams in a dream? Or for real? But when he wakes up, Lorena is there. She pins him down.

Steve is trying to pull Sookie down the staircase, but she’s putting up a lot of resistance. You go, girl! (Not down the staircase, but in the encouraging sense of the word.) Sarah stands at the top of the staircase, watching silently. Steve calls Sookie the c-word. The “fucking” c-word! Not so pious now, eh, Steve?

Bill can’t physically overpower Lorena, because she is his maker (I guess). She kisses him, but of course his heart’s not in it. Neither is his hand, which is outstretched and the closest thing to the lens.

Finally Gabe and Steve carry Sookie down the stairs by her arms and legs. Sarah is sorry! (And where is Hugo? Already locked up, or just conveniently unavailable to help Sookie?)

Eggs and Tara are back at Sookie’s house. Some sort of red-cup party is happening, but the house is empty. Eggs sighs. “Just when I thought today couldn’t get any fucking freakier.” Tara says, “People are pigs.” (Well, we know for sure that Daphne is a pig.) Eggs: “You got that right.” They go out back and follow a path of clothes while smoking a joint. Eggs actually says, “This is really freaking my shit out.” It really ties in well with this recap, because I tend to use that phrase a lot while describing the events of this show.

Uh oh, they hear screaming. They run ahead and discover a crazy bonfire sex orgy, complete with a band. The band makes me laugh. Did Maryann actually hire them for this gig? “Hi, I’d like to book you for my orgy. Do you charge by the hour?” Everyone has those crazy black dilated eyes, and everyone is fucking. Carl is walking around in a brown dress that looks vaguely Greek or Roman, looking very much like a watchful yoga instructor. I expect him to realign someone’s downward-facing doggy-style.

I always feel bad for the extras in these scenes, because they have to be naked and they won’t even get their names on IMDB, probably. Although these extras might be porn stars.

Uh oh, there’s the bull head. So it’s a ceremonial headpiece, I guess. That’s kind of a relief. It would be freakier if Maryann’s head actually turned into a bull head, I think. Eggs and Tara are sufficiently WTF about this whole thing. Oh, and look, it’s Terry and Arlene, having the black-eyed sex. They’re on some sort of Persian rug? And Arlene is (spoiler alert!) wearing a bra, which maybe has flowers on it? Is this the surprise she was talking about earlier in the episode? Ugh.

In the middle of all this, Maryann is vibrating and dancing. Ugh. She’s a bitch. She stops for a second to look at Tara.

Jessica is in her hotel room, lying in bed. It’s nighttime, and the light-blocking curtain on her window raises automatically. I think she mistakes the buzz of the automatic curtain machine for the buzz of her cell phone, or at least she very suddenly remembers that she is waiting for a call, because she sits up and grabs her phone. Bra sighting #3: Jessica is wearing a powder blue bra. Ouch, she sleeps in her bra? No way. I can believe in a bull-headed orgy, but I can’t believe that she would sleep in a bra. (Underwire can get pretty brutal.)

False alarm with the cell phone (is it a Blackberry?). No messages. I have SO been there, Jessica. UGH. BOYS. She puts on one of those awful robes and goes to the mini bar. She’s throwing away all of the True Blood! I actually gasp out loud at this. Why is she doing this? Is she going to commit suicide by starvation? She is also looking at something that we can’t see. Is she looking at herself in the mirror? Is she looking at the door to Bill’s room? I don’t know. Weird. (Later when I watch closer up, I see that the phone is a Motorola, and that she’s dumping the Tru Blood because it’s $45/bottle on the Mini Bar menu, and I guess she’s taking her spite out on… Bill? Eric? Whoever’s paying.)

And then: A knock at the door. Who is it? “It’s Hoyt.”

HOYT IS IN THE HOTEL! This is my dream! Jessica is so excited that she can’t even figure out how to open the door. “I know you must be mad at me,” Hoyt is saying on the other side. “I’m so sorry, my mama cancelled my cell service and I had no way to get in touch with you. I drove here as fast as I could.” The door opens, and we see that Hoyt is holding flowers. Flowers! “I’m so sorry, Jessica.” She can’t believe he came all this way. Neither can I. Talk about a grand gesture!

Hoyt thinks that Jessica is mad at him. She probably was about a minute ago, but she isn’t anymore! “I’m so happy I could cry but I don’t want to because it’s really gross when I do,” she says. Ha! Because she cries blood. Hoyt hands her the flowers, and apologizes because they wilted during the long ride. Jessica is probably glad that the flowers are warm– warm like the sun! (Remember when Bill smelled the sunlight on Sookie’s skin?)

Hoyt runs his hand through Jessica’s hair, pulling her toward him. I’m glad he initiates the kiss this time! Jessica flails her arms, not sure where to put them. Adorable. They are the most awkwardly amazing couple. Before we can even hear Jessica’s fangs pop out, they slam the door on us. Normally I would say that Hoyt is for sure getting laid, because he traveled so far to see her, but we’re dealing with one or more virgins. (Spoiler alert: I think they do it next week. Then we’ll really see if Deborah Ann Woll has a no-nudity clause.)

Also… how long was it that Jessica didn’t hear from Hoyt? One day? Two, at most? And then he drove all the way there? (I’m not sure where Bon Temps is supposed to be, exactly, but Shreveport to Dallas is about 4 hours…) He REALLY likes her. “Really really and then some more.” In another story, this could be stalker behavior. I love Jessicoyt, but… just a thought. Young/first love is INTENSE, but usually it doesn’t last. This may not bode well for Hoyt…

Church. Jason looks for Sarah and Steve. The platform is done! He sees Sarah on the balcony/mezzanine level, crying. “Are you crying?” Jason asks. Sarah says “No,” but her voice cracks and betrays her. I love that she is so funny without winking at the audience.

Jason joins her on the balcony. “I’m sorry,” Sarah sniffles. “You’re not supposed to see me like this.” That line makes me laugh, because don’t “monsters” always have this sentiment? When Bill and Jessica first kissed Sookie and Hoyt (respectively), they both had that “I don’t want you to see my fangs” moment. It’s also funny that Sarah doesn’t want Jason to see her as weak, because he already knows that she’s not perfect (or maybe she is perfect; I don’t know how that hand job was for Jason).

Sarah still doesn’t know that Jason is Sookie’s sister, as far as I know. What’s the matter? “It’s Steve,” Sarah says. “He’s not the man I thought he was.” Jason talks Steve up, not knowing that Steve just dragged his sister down a stairwell. Jason misinterprets Sarah’s tears. “I feel bad about what we did last night, too,” he says, but he doesn’t want to “blame the victim.” Ha.

Sarah tells Jason that Steve wants to use the Soldiers to START a war, not to defend people from vampires. “Does that sound like a great man to you?” Oh my gosh, you guys. Steve Newlin is to the vampires what Hitler was to the Jews. (Does that make Sarah Ava Braun?) The Newlin’s chances of dying by the end of the season just skyrocketed, because… vampires. (I have this big theory about how vampires and Vulcans are coded Jews, but I won’t go into it now. And also, the vampires on this show are primarily a metaphor for the gay community…)

Lately Sarah’s been seeing a side of Steve that she never saw before. “He’s vicious and he’s cruel, and he uses the c-word!” Sarah says. HA! That’s really funny, because his use of the c-word really shocked me, too. I’m such a Sarah sometimes!  “And he lies to me, Jason. Our marriage has always been a partnership, and now he’s shutting me out.” Jason wipes away Sarah’s tears with a grubby black bandanna, and she tries to kiss him again. But Jason is trying to be good! He stops her.

But Sarah is manipulative, and here she goes. “When I was a little girl, I realized that I had a calling, that I was put here on this earth to be a great woman behind a great man.” Oh Sarah, that’s so 1945 (uh oh!). She thought that great man was Steve, but now she sees, “clear as day,” that she’s supposed to be with Jason. Sarah says she’s not married in her heart anymore, and God is commanding her to do this, so it’s okay. If God’s cool, Jason’s on board. Sarah talks to God “every single day of [her] life. And he wants this, Jason. I promise.”

On the one hand, I feel sorry for Sarah, because she’s obviously really confused and misguided, and if she ever breaks away from this cult or loses her faith, she’s not going to have a leg to stand on. On the other hand (just call me Tevye), she is using her religious beliefs to manipulate Jason. Does she know that she’s spouting a bunch of bullshit, or does she believe it?

Sarah and Jason commence their sex-fun, in the church. Awesome. Also, Sarah does not take of her bra. Is that bra-stays-on sighting #4? I think it is! “So much for abstinence,” my roommate says. She is the queen of punchlines tonight.

Daphne is taking Sam to a surprise in the woods. Oh NO, it’s the sex orgy. Okay, Daphne’s not so perfect, after all. And this is where even more stories collide. Sam hears the orgy-drums in the distance, and doesn’t want to go any further. “In my experience, no good can come from drum music. You follow it, and all it can lead to is hippies or cults.” Thank you, Sam. Thank you for being the voice of reason. “Not this time,” Daphne says, in a scary voice. Stop it with the wordplay, Daphne. (Also, when I typed “hippies,” I smelled potsmoke in my mind. Maybe it’s just the remnants of Tara/Eggs’ joint.)

Then some crazies grab Sam, and Daphne’s like, Sorry Sam. “What’s going on?!” Sam asks, with good reason. Are they going to sacrifice him? OH NO SAM!

We’re back at the sex orgy. (I really preferred the sex orgies on “Queer as Folk,” to tell you the truth.) Tara and Eggs are part of the fuckery now, too, complete with those crazy black doll eyes. Obviously they’re under a spell, because they looked appalled when they first stumbled upon this mess. Ugh. Take me back to Jessica and Hoyt!

Sam asks what we’ve all been thinking. “What the FUCK is this?” “It’s the end of the road,” Daphne says. Oh no, she’s one of them! She puts the bullhead on Maryann (it puts the lotion on its skin…). This storyline is so annoying. Carl has a big knife on a red cloth. Are they going to try to cut Sam’s heart out? Maryann starts chanting that crazy Greco-Roman chant that Sookie heard in Maryann’s mind at the diner. Sam is screaming, and the camera pulls up and into the sky… the same way it did when Bill turned Jessica into a vampire. UH OH!

Next week, I bet we get to see Maryann chasing Sam through the woods, in that dress. Haha. I can’t wait to hear what roomie has to say about THAT.

Okay, the credits are rolling and a tinny old song is playing. It’s “Hard-Hearted Hannah,” and it turns out that it’s the song that Bill was singing at the Prohibition-Era party. It sounds like Hannah’s a cold-hearted “vamp,” in the non-vampire sense of the word. Nice choice of song!

Next week… Daphne tells Sam that Maryann is immortal. Okay, so I guess Sam lives. Way to ruin the surprise. (Although the way Maryann runs, not too surprising that she didn’t catch him.) “Go to her, Sam,” Daphne says. “She might even let you live.” Wait, I thought Maryann was after Tara? (Also, Daphne in a bikini. She’s a never-nude!) Bill will stake Lorena if Sookie is hurt. Sarah wants Jason to tell Steve about the sex, because of his honesty ring. Haha, good luck with that. Sookie and Hugo are in the basement. Eric confronts Stan. Sarah holds a gun! Now who has the gun, Steve?

But the best teaser is the last clip. Gabe is restraining Jason, and the following amazing exchange takes place.

Jason: You are going to hell
Steve: And you are going there today.

CHILLS! [Edit: Steve actually says both of those lines. Oh, the deceptions of preview-editing!]

What about Hoyt and Jessica?

We’ll find out next week!

(If you’re enjoying these, please comment and drop me a word of encouragement. I need a few peanuts to keep me going!)

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