The Daily Binge

Episode 5, Air date 8/25/09.

Okay, everybody. Truncated(ish) review this week. They keep showing the same interviews in the same clothes, and I’m starting to seriously question the chronology and veracity of events. Haha.

Also: Whatever. It’s not like the results are going to affect my everyday life. (To be fair, neither are the results of “The Amazing Race.” But I still love that show.) (They’re all over the world!) (Full disclosure: I only started watching it last season, because of Mike “Where’s My Freaking Medal?” White.)

(Random thought: Some people are apparently calling this show “The Fatchelor,” but what about “More to Schlub?” Right?)

Let’s get to the show:

Kristian eats a waffle with too much syrup… or at least, we see the waffle, and we hear her talking. (Or maybe it was pancakes. I don’t know. Batter!)

“Where’s everybody else?” Malissa asks, as the top six sit around the breakfast table. “They went home!” Snap! I think I like Malissa again. And now she’s the only M(a/e)lissa, which is convenient.

Mandy and Kristian get a note-attached-to-the-big-ring from Luke. “It takes two to tango,” the note says, among other things. They get tango lessons at a restaurant of the Spanish-speaking variety. Kristian gets all sexy-sexy with Luke in front of Mandy. Smooth. (Also, she wears the first of several dresses with really cute prints.)

The left-behind girls make cupcakes for Luke and write little notes for him. (Later Kristian is really mad that SHE didn’t get to be there to make cupcakes for him. HUH? You were on a sexy date with him, Kristian. You’re not making any sense!)

Luke taps Kristian for the first mini-date, and Mandy waits it out at a booth… in the same room? No, I guess she’s in a different part of the restaurant. Luke and Kristian revisit their “sexy” new dance moves and kiss.

Of course, Mandy picks that moment to walk into the room. She gets upset and locks herself into the “Mama” room (the ladies’ bathroom), and Luke comes a-knockin’ to try to console her. So that’s their hot mini-date: Luke trying to convince Mandy not to cry. Spicy.

Malissa gets a note that says she’s going to go to “new heights” on a solo date with Luke. A hot air balloon? PLEASE let it be a hot air balloon! Oh, it’s a helicopter. (Roomie notes that Jillian and Ed took a helicopter ride on “The Bachelorette,” and wonders what’s up with that.)

The helicopter crash lands (just kidding) in a windy vineyard, where Mal and Luke “picnic” at a table under a chuppah (just kidding). Lots of purple decorations. They end up having a great date, which we see in segments.

Luke says, “I’m riding on the clouds with my girl Malissa.” Oh Luke, your lines are epically corny. The lie on a blanket in the shade.

Anna, Heather, and Tali get a note telling them that they will soon “dig in to another date.” Are they going on an archeological dig? Oh, they’re going to the beach. Not quite as exotic, if you ask me.

Tali is mad. Another date in a bathing suit?! Good point, Tali. Welcome to “Humiliation Island!”

Back to the solo-date. Mal and Luke ride a tandem bike. (Roomie sighs. “It’s been my lifelong dream to go on a tandem bike,” she says. Now, that’s the kind of dream that it wouldn’t be THAT hard to fulfill. And I’m totally willing to participate.) (You heard it here, first!)

Oh, this is awkward. Luke breaks the bike. “Fat kid broke the bike,” he sighs. “I wish I could say it never happened before.” (Seriously?) Luke’s interviewing outside, and it turns out that he’s interviewing right next to Malissa, and they both crack up. It’s pretty sweet. In the end they ditch the bike and walk back to wherever home base is, holding hands.

Mal says that this has been the best day of her life. She doesn’t want to go back to the house, and it doesn’t seem like Luke does, either. Aw, I like them as a couple. I think Mal has edged out Heather and Mandy.

During the commercial break, Roomie and I debate who has blown Luke.

Roomie: “Heather gave him a blowie in the castle, I am SURE. What else was there to do?” (I tend to agree.)

Malissa tells the rest of the girls about the date. She screams and puts a pillow over her head. Hehe. She’s so into him! She… loves him. OMG. (That was meant to be ironic. Just so you know.)

Based on this, Anna gives another bummed interview. “She has quickly become Debbie downer,” Roomie notes. Kristian is also really pissed that Mal claims her love. Haha. “She’s gonna cut a bitch,” Roomie says. It’s really so much more amusing to watch this with a peanut gallery.

I hope Kristian realizes what a hypocrite she is. She’s allowed to love Luke from minute one based on… nothing. Who’s she to stop other girls (who have actually had solo dates) from claiming their love for Luke?

Heather cries because she’s not in love with Luke yet. She says that she has walls up and that she feels like she’s falling behind. “She’s just got a sensible head,” Roomie says. “These girls are crazy!” (I think they’ve only been in the house for something like a week.)

Commercials. An ad for the movie, “Love Happens.” Thanks for the encouragement.

Three-person beach date. Luke wants to see the girls confidently show off their bodies. Ugh, Luke. Even if they were size twos, they would likely feel awkward about another bathing suit date. Even plus size model Anna has an issue wearing her bathing suit. And she’s a model!

“Women are strange creatures, man,” Luke interviews, on the beach. He sounds like such a bro/surfer dude, it makes me laugh. “Sometimes when they get to know you more, they become more guarded.” Ah, Luke. Such wisdom. (Also, I think this phenomenon is particularly true when you are dating six girls at once and executing– er, eliminating– them, one by one.)

“Man boobs are out,” Luke announces, taking off his shirt. Heather interviews, “Seeing Luke with his shirt off, he’s more to love, too! It made me feel a little more comfortable.” Okay, did Heather not notice that Luke was overweight before? It’s not exactly a secret.

Luke and Tali take a mini-date walk on the beach. Tali talks about her feelings, and Luke nods and agrees. What else is he going to do? Roomie decides that Tali is too good for Luke. Nevertheless, Tali and Luke make out. Luke interviews that Tali took so long to open up to him. Does opening up= kissing? Ha. Thanks for opening up your mouth to me!

At home, Mal is a mess of emotions. “Now it feels like I’m letting my boyfriend date other people,” she groans.

Kristian interviews in a fretful panic. “He’s got a hot body. Who wouldn’t want to touch that? That scares me.” Roomie and I are doubled over laughing.

Anna and Luke have a private date in a paddle boat. I think they’re in the Venice-canals part of Newport, or maybe Long Beach. Ugh, it’s hard to be more to love in Orange County.

“Put your shirt on, Luke!” Roomie yells at the screen. I second that, for skin cancer related reasons.

On her mini-date with Luke, Heather says that she was sad to hear about Mal’s amazing 12-hour date. “I thought she was a little more confident than that, about our feelings for each other,” Luke interviews. (Luke, you are taking crazy pills. Heather is being perfectly rational, given the situation.) Luke says that his mini-date with Heather awkward, and he’s not sure if their chemistry is growing. (UH OH.) (Whatever, Luke is getting annoying.)

Time for the elimination mixer. Luke calls the girls his “sexy six.” Haha. (Groan.) He interviews that he’s not here to make friends. (I think there’s some unspoken reality TV mandate that at some point in the competition, somebody has to utter a version of this phrase.) He’s here to find a wife!

I think Heather is going home, after the awkward beach conversation. It’s sad, because she and Luke were hitting it off so well. And… Kristian? But I thought she was going to beat somebody with flowers, and we haven’t seen that episode yet.

Mandy tells Luke that she had an eating disorder for most of high school. She wasn’t overweight until she was seventeen or eighteen, because she put weight while recovering and had… a beautiful dress in the interview! Why isn’t she wearing THAT dress at the mixer? I mean, she had to redefine her identity.

Ugh, isn’t it ironic that she gave herself an eating disorder trying to be thin, when she was already thin? And as a result of trying to be too thin, she’s now overweight? Sad.

Heather cries in her time with Luke and says she wants to stay so bad. Luke says some nice things to try to soothe her, but I feel like he’s trying to let her down gently.

Kristian tells Luke she loves him in three languages. (And then in English, so… four.) She says she trusts him with her heart, and Luke says he’s touched. Ugh. I think he’s also a little bit weirded out.

“How does she know Polish?” Roomie says. “I’m floored.” (I’m impressed that she was able to recognize Polish when she heard it.) (I understood the Spanish, but everybody recognizes Spanish.) (In Southern California.)

Tali talks to a lovestruck Kristian and feels “really confused from Kristian’s emotions.” Now she wants to know where she stands with Luke, and marches out to the yard to confront him. A) Finally, we get to see the scene that’s been in EVERY preview, and B) She’s so Israeli. (By that I mean, I admire her ballsy-ness. Unfortunately I’m much more of a New York-style nebbishy Jew.) (Can a woman be a nebbish?)

In the preview it looked like Luke would be giving Tali the smack-down, but he’s actually pretty understanding about it all. Luke tells Tali not to listen to what the girls in the house are saying. “Listen to what I am saying, and listen to what your heart is saying.” Corn!

Time for the rings…

Anna interviews that she regrets not telling Luke how much she feels about him. (I’m pretty sure this is a fairly direct quote, but the “how much” thing is puzzling me, now that I see it in my notes. Quantity or quality?)

Anna gets called first. Shocking!

Malissa gets the second ring.  Not shocking.

Mandy feels like she’s about to break. After the hiding-in-the-bathroom stunt on her date, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s out. “She has no confidence,” Roomie notes. “And Luke’s all about the confidence.”

But Mandy gets a ring. Hmmm.

Roomie really wants Kristian to go so she can see her reaction. Haha. Girl-on-girl crimes!

Heather interviews that she has never done anything this difficult in her life. Really? Has it really been that difficult, to go on fancy dates? I know she means emotionally difficult, but even still I’m rolling my eyes.

Emme comes out for the dramatic reminder: “Ladies. One ring. Remains.”

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

I think Tali’s out. I hope Heather’s in.

Kristian interviews, “I want to be with Luke forever. I love him.” Awkward.

TALI GETS THE LAST RING. (What didn’t we see her until this week???) Heather and Kristian are out. Kristian makes a blowfish face. She and Heather are both crying. The other girls are consoling them with hugs (smug hugs, I’m sure).

Poor Heather! “I wish I was the one for Luke,” she says. “Even though I’m crying, I’ve never felt this good about myself in my entire life.” Aw, I’m happy that she’s putting a positive spin on it. She’s going to be okay. (And get some dates, fingers crossed.) PS She’s wearing a cute black and white dress.

Kristian makes a surprisingly tasteful exit, wishing Luke the best. But then… Luke follows her out. What??!?! Is this some “Bachelorette”-style twist? No, he’s just worried about her feelings. Aww, he hugs her more and tries to reassure her.

The outdoor goodbye is more mucus-y and hyperventilate-y, on Kristian’s part. She feels bad because she told a man that she loved him, and he didn’t feel the same way. (Not to be mean, but… it happens.)

“I actually feel bad for Kristian,” Roomie says. “I take back my cruelty. She was really sad.” (But also… she was crazy in love with him, emphasis on the “crazy.”)

Next week: Malissa thinks she and Anna are the best matches for Luke. Mandy doesn’t want to be second to Malissa.

Luke meets the families. He asks Malissa’s sister, “What if I proposed to your sister?” Okay, now I’m thinking that Malissa is going to win. Especially because she got the coveted solo date this week. But… you never know. Last week I thought it would be Heather.

Even though Luke said he was confident about his eliminations, I’m surprised to see Heather go. We’ve barely seen Anna or Tali interact with Luke, so I’m kind of shocked that they’re in the top four.

Next week, only one girl will be eliminated. My bet’s that Tali or Anna will be leaving us, unless Mandy is still in the jealousy rut.

But, honestly… whatever. This was my least favorite week, so far. Step it up! (When’s the bouquet-related assault?)

And now back to my Jennifer Weiner book. (More to Love!)

xoxo…

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This entry was posted on Thursday, August 27th, 2009 at 5:51 pm and is filed under RECAPS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.