The Daily Binge

Episode 4, Air Date 8/18/09.

Luke’s in his Guest House kitchen with a coffee pot… and a bag of white bread. Because overweight people eat white flour like it’s going out of style! (White flour is bad for you!) (This year, at least.) (I still eat it.)

“Ultimately I’m just a man,” Luke says, re: his woman-picking skills. He wants to get a woman’s perspective about who he should choose… from the contestants. Um, this is just a guess, but I have a feeling each girl is going to think that she Rules and the others Drool. And, excuse me, Luke? You’re “just a man,” but you do have to LIVE with this decision (literally) (or you can just break up with her after filming ends), so maybe you should just listen to yourself. (PS Your friends picked terrible Danielle. Remember that?)

Emme rounds up the girls for a “special event.” It’s a little game called “Good Wife/Bad Wife.” Luke wants to know their HONEST opinions of each other?? HA. HA! I say.

Each girl gets a spangly Good Wife/Bad Wife disk. The “good” side is purple (my favorite color) (the royal color!). The bad side is red. LIKE THE DEVIL! They sit in the circle as Emme calls each girl up one at a time, and then the lucky standing-up girl is rated TO HER FACE. There is something a little Salem-witchy about this. I saw Mel B with the Devil! Bad wife! Bad wife!

“I’m already judged on the way I look,” Mel B interviews. “You know, my weight. If people don’t like my personality, that’s pretty much all I have.” (I’ve had those days. If you don’t laugh at my jokes, I HAVE NOTHING.)

First up is Kristian. The majority of the girls think she’d be a Bad Wife. (Heather says Good Wife… she’s nice.) She cries, and interviews that she doesn’t want Luke to think she’s crazy. (Too late?) Lauren calls Kristian “too emotionally unstable,” and Tali says that Kristian needs to learn to keep cool. This game might actually be helpful, if it wasn’t called “Good Wife/Bad Wife.”

Heather is next. Almost all of the girls vote that she would make a good wife. Even MALISSA A likes her! (She’s not the worst, after all.) “Who couldn’t like Heather?” Mal says, citing how “upbeat” Heather always is. “She’s bubbly and fun and has a huge heart,” Anna adds. (Ha. Huge. Of course.)

Lauren is the only hold-out who thinks that Heather would be a bad wife. She says that Heather would look good on his arm (true!), but uses that compliment to launch into non-pliments. “Can I make a point?” Lauren says, her irritation palpable. “This is not good person, bad person. It’s good wife, bad wife.” Thanks for the clarification, Lauren. Shut up.

“I AM a better wife,” Lauren interviews. She thinks she’s bringing way more to the table. “These girls don’t know how to cook a pizza in the microwave.” This isn’t Good Pizza Cook/Bad Pizza Cook, Lauren! (Er, Good Nuker/Bad Nuker?)

Ooh, sweet Anna calls equally-pleasant Mandy “bad wife.” She says that Mandy has a good sense of herself, but she hasn’t shown herself to Luke. (In a personality sense, I’m assuming. Ha.)

Haha, Kristian calls Malissa A “high maintenance.” That’s seems like a fairly accurate estimation, but there’s definitely a bit of “pot calling the kettle black” going on around here.

Now Lauren’s on the chopping block. Heather calls Lauren “bad wife,” presumably to get back at her, but also because… Lauren is caustic. Mandy says Lauren’s a strong woman, but calls her vulgar, and says that it’s an uneven match. Thank you, Mandy. Well said.

Last up is Mel B. Lauren gives Mel B a “good wife” (and a shit-eating grin), but everybody else gives her “bad wife.” It’s totally because of her age and immaturity, and they take pains to explain this to her nicely. Heather tells Mel B that she needs to gain maturity through dating experiences. Tali says, “You have so much more to experience out of life and people.” (In case you forgot, Mel B is 21.)

Emme says, “It appears that Mel B would be the WORST wife for Luke.” The way she says it is totally harsh. Come on, Emme. It’s just an ill-titled game.

Mel B interviews, “It would have been easier if I had gotten rejected on my size because I’m used to that. I know how to deal with that. I’m not used to being rejected on my personality.” Mel B cries. “That’s not what they’re saying, though,” Roomie interjects. “She’s young and cries often!”

Listen up, Mel B! They aren’t saying you have a bad personality. They’re trying to free you! Mel B’s too young to be engaged to a man she just met. They’re all a few years older than her (25 and 26 years old– GASP) and a few cheating boyfriends wiser, and in their sad matron states they’re ready to throw in the towel and settle down via reality TV match-making.

Heather gets Best Wife, Mel B gets Worst Wife. So… they get individual dates so Luke can decide for himself. Suckas! I best everybody’s wishing they were Worst Wife, now. This show is all about rewarding the Losers. (“The Biggest Loser” was already taken.)

Lauren fumes in her interview. “Heather got voted best wife bc she’s fun! What the fuck does fun have to do with being a wife?” Um, Lauren? Heather got voted Best Wife because she’s KIND to EVERYONE. Maybe you’ve never heard of this thing called kindness, but it’s valued in most forms of human interaction. (Remember last week when Heather rubbed Kristian’s back and reassured her that she wouldn’t be eliminated? That wasn’t FUN, that was KIND.)

To clarify, Heather doesn’t seem particularly more “fun” than any of the other girls. She’s definitely not a get-wasted, “Rock of Love” type of fun. She has a good sense of humor, and she’s pleasant to be around. If that’s fun, I think fun has a LOT to do with being a wife. (And in general, a wife should be very fun to be around–in my humble opinion.) In other words… suck it, Lauren.

The rest of the girls (The Okay Wives?) get to go on a group date. Oh yay.

Anna is “in panic mode” because she hasn’t gotten a one-on-one with Luke. Lauren also sick of not getting alone time. She’s worried she’ll fall to the wayside. (We can only hope.)

Meanwhile, how is Mel B doing? “I don’t want to get rejected,” she moans, crawling back into bed. “Now I know why I never dated.” Oh Mel B, I know that crawling-back-into-bed feeling. But it’s usually because I’m too tired to get ready for work, not because I just found out that I’m GOING ON A COOL TV-DATE. Snap out of it!

COMMERCIAL… (fast forward)… Okay, we’re back.

Anna interviews that she’s had it “up to here” with not having an alone date. Too bad you weren’t voted The Worst, Anna.

Mel B gets a note from Luke, saying that it’s up to the two of them to figure out if she’s the worst. (HA!) “This alone time could really shake things up.” Oh God, are they going earthquake hunting or what?

Mel B reminds us via le interview that she’s been asked out but never said “yes” because she thought people were doing it to be mean. Here’s a good way to get a quick laugh: Ask a fat girl out on a date! Take her somewhere really nice for dinner, like a $50-per-plate restaurant, and when you drop her off at her place– just after the goodnight kiss– say “Just kidding!” Laughs!

Luke interviews that he’s excited for the date, “even though she was voted as a bad wife.” Luke kind of laughs when he says it. Even though he was supposedly the mastermind of the Good Wife/Bad Wife game. The producers totally made it up! Mel B plays with her hair in the limo… Mystery of “The Pick-Up Artist” (yeah, I watched that show) would tell us that the hair twirl is a sign that Mel B is totally willing to kiss.

The date is… a Moroccan restaurant. (Kind of a heavy lunch. Oh wait, heavy… this is “More to Love.” Got it.) Melissa tells Luke that it’s awesome she got the date, but she’s sad she was voted Bad Wife. “It’s not about them,” he says. Luke always knows what to say. He’s a robot!

Luke tells Melissa that he needs a woman who’s confident, even if she’s shy. He’s learning “what level of shyness” she’s at. Is there some sort of reference chart we can follow along with, at home?

“The way Luke looks at me makes me feel special and pretty, and I’ve never felt pretty before,” Mel B interviews. She is not the first person to express this sentiment, and it always gives me a Sad Face.

Back at the house… trash talking, as usual. Kristian says of Mel B, “She’s never been on a real date before… she’s not ready for anything serious.” Mandy thinks that Mel B is “lost in space,” and that she’ll get eliminated thanks to the individual date. Ooh, now that Mandy’s talking, she has a bit of a bitch side… but I like it! There’s good sense behind her words.

As soon as Mel B is feeling comfy with Luke, two “skinny and gorgeous” bellydancers come out and depress her.  Poor Mel B! And then the belly dancers make Luke and Mel B dance with them.

Mel B can’t dance… remember how she went through this, at Prom? “I can’t do this,” she says, over and over, as the belly dancers try to teach her some signature moves.

The belly dancers are silent as they try to instruct Mel B, and it’s kind of weird. “Are they not allowed to talk?” Roomie asks. I’m guessing that it has to do with payment. If you talk on TV, that equals more money/SAG vouchers.

Mel interviews that being overweight, she didn’t want to draw attention to herself. Hence, no dancing.

Luke’s bellydancing is terrible and fratty and Prom-esque (he might as well be dancing to “Baby Got Back,” what with the “uhhhs” and the fist-pumping), but Mel B says he looks amazing because he doesn’t care what people think. “I usually care what people think. And watching him dance, I was like, if he can do it, I can do it.” I get this, because I have had this epiphany before. Just have fun! Let loose!

Mel B kind of shrugs her hips a little. Progress! Luke interviews, “Mel B has emerged from her shell… I saw a glimpse of the sexy confident woman she’s starting to become.” But is she going to gain confidence in time to gain Luke’s heart? (Wow, I should write the dialogue for the promos or something. That was scary.)

Mel B says, “Dancing, belly dancing, bathing suits—I mean, everything I’ve done is something new, and after I did it, I’m like, it’s fun.” Good lesson! (Also, was this stuff really ENTIRELY new? I want to see pictures from Mel B’s secret dancing past!)

Luke asks Mel B if she’ll be willing to go dancing with her friends from now on. (Not to be super-mean, but given her low self-esteem, I’m wondering what her friends are like, and if they go dancing… or exist.) We exit to commercial with Luke’s words of wisdom re: Mel B: “She is young, and it’s going to take her some time to realize what an intelligent, beautiful woman she is.”

COMMERCIAL BREAK! (“I can’t wait to see when Kristian gets kicked off,” Roomie says.)

Another note from Luke! Heather is going to get the “royal treatment.” (PLEASE let it be Medieval Times!) (Nothing says romance like sitting in a sweat-stinking, hay-filled arena while eating with your hands and watching actor/stuntmen speak in Olde Timey accents.)

The other girls are on edge– the stakes are high! Heather’s “a lot of fun,” and it’s hard to compete with that. (Does Heather hold the patent on “fun” in this Manse?)

Lauren is “a little bit bitter,” and thinks Heather is her biggest competition. I think that Lauren is in a constant state of being a LOT bit bitter, and is also a little bit delusional if she thinks that’s she’s as ahead of the pack as Heather seems to be.

Heather gets to pick a fancy dress. Oh no, another Prom? These dresses are super-fancy in a “nobody wears that” way, and bedazzled. I guess they’re expensive because some lady is there guarding the dresses and/or helping Heather try them on.

Mel B gets back and we realize… these dates are the same day? Just as Mel B is chatting about her date with the girls in the kitchen, Heather comes out in her finery (a dark blue, strapless, bejeweled dress/gown/whatever). Mel B realizes she got the cheap date of the day. She rightfully annoyed and upset. It does feel tacky, the way it appears that Luke is dropping Mel B off and picking Heather up within minutes.

Luke, now more nattily attired, picks Heather up. “Are you ready for this?” he asks. “I think so,” Heather answers, and I love her honest hesitation. “I don’t know what it is.”

They pull up to a castle, all lit up with colorful lights. (Where IS this?!) It’s a castle with a view, so I guess it’s LA? Who knows. Time for a champagne toast!

The following happened so stealthily that I had to rewind it for Roomie’s benefit:

Luke: I can’t get over this view.

Heather: I know, it’s so pretty.

Luke: I was talking about you.

CHEESE! Roomie almost chokes on her cookies and cream: “Ewwwww.” (About the line, not about the ice cream. Cookies and cream is a never-fail delicious flavor.)

Please, Luke, PLEASE. Lay off the middle school pick-up lines. Don’t make me call in Mystery. (PS: I’m pretty sure that negs are a bad idea for overweight, insecure girls. Oh God, I just got an idea for an amazing crossover show.)

Heather voice-overs that Luke “sees past this outer image and thinks that I’m just this beautiful person.” You ARE beautiful, Heather! How many times do we have to go over this? You said yourself, this all starts from the inside.

Luke wants to be Heather’s special guy. “I think you could definitely be that guy,” Heather says. “If you’ll let me be that girl.” Movie moments!

Back at the house, the girls get a note from Luke: Tomorrow they’re going to get a day of luxury. I’m guessing it’s the spa day outlined in the LA Times article. (Although most of the date-moments mentioned in the article didn’t make it into the show.)

Luke and Heather sit down at a table on the lawn of the castle and drink round two of champagne… what, they can’t film inside? (Or eat anything other than champagne?)

Luke interviews that Heather ‘s fun (did the producers just tell everyone that Heather is now synonymous with “fun?”), but he wants to figure out her level of commitment. He asks Heather if she sees herself as a career or stay-at-home mom. Heather answers that she really hasn’t thought about kids that much. UH OH!

Heather explains she hasn’t thought about these deeper questions. She’s never thought about marriage and kids because her previous relationships never got that serious, which “might have been because of her weight.” I think it’s funny that she says “might have been,” because it makes me wonder if they are being pushed to say that everything is about their weight. Or if, conversely, she is realizing that, hey, maybe it wasn’t about my weight. I don’t know. The whole “weight weight weight” thing is getting annoying. I get it, but still.

Oh, it’s finally the moment from the previews, where Luke says, “There’s something I’d like to tell you, it’s been kind of weighing on me and I’ve been holding it back, but…”

Luke tells Heather that he HAS THREE KIDS? What? Oh, he’s kidding!!! (That makes sense.) Oh my god, Heather bought it. (To be fair, his delivery was very sober and felt pretty real.) Heather just nodded and sort of opened her mouth, but luckily Luke said that he was kidding before she said anything she might regret. Heather laughs.

Luke interviews that he pranked her because it was getting too heavy. (Heavy? Groan.) Good move, Luke. (Actually… potentially awkward and backfiring move, but it all turned out okay.)

And I’m kind of happy that it didn’t end up being some huge blow to Heather’s ego, like the ads made it out to (possibly) be.

Back to serious conversation: Luke says that he spent every day with his mother when he was a young kid. Would Heather be open to spending lots of time with her youngster? Totally. (Whew.) Heather says that since they both don’t have kids (although Luke scared her there, for a moment), they would learn things together.

Luke interviews that prior to coming here, it doesn’t seem like Heather thought she had many options. He hopes she finds out what an amazing woman she really is. That’s sweet… but does he want to keep her? (PS He interviews in a green sweatshirt, and for some reason that particular piece of clothing really weirds me out, on him.)

Oh, now they’re inside (it’s allowed!) on a red couch, and Luke pops open a champagne bottle. (This cracks Heather up. LOVE her.) (Is laughing what makes her “fun?” Is everyone else being dead serious?)

Are they just having champagne in different locations? Where’s dinner? As Fabio from “Top Chef” might say: “This is More to Love, not More to Drink!”

Heather interviews that Luke makes her feel “on top of the world. He’s like a sigh of relief.” Luke calls Heather a “natural beauty.” She laughs, and Luke’s like, “There you go again with your laughing.” (It’s hard to take a compliment, sometimes.) Heather explains, “I’ve never felt so complimented or beautiful in my entire life. I thank you so much.” And then… she kisses him so much.

“They look so good together!” Roomie says. We are SO Team Heather right now.

PS: So… the “royal treatment” was being forced to wear a tight dress and drinking champagne in and around a fake castle? Weird.

COMMERCIAL (We saw almost none of that date. Hmmm.)

The next day, the Okay Wives get ready for their inferior group date.

The girls gossip about Heather’s date, which they seem to know went well. “You all know she’s been French kissing him, right?” They try to determine who else has French-kissed Luke (awkward), and I think they narrow it down to Malissa A.

Lauren says Mal A has been using affection to get Luke. Duh, Lauren. And if you were as cut-throat as you say, you’d be Frenching him, too.

They go to the spa at the ritzy St. Regis Resort. (Maybe this show is filming in Orange County, after all.) They get the whole spa to themselves? Nice. Luke is happy to be here with “six full-figured beauties with curves in all the right places.” Luke, please stop. SO AWKWARD. SO CHEESY. And also (SIGH), it’s another bathing suit date. Even though several of these girls were on the previous bathing suit date, they’re still upset. They compliment each other and try to “make it work,” as my beloved Tim Gunn (“Project Runway” premieres tomorrow night!) would say.

But seriously, another bathing suit/almost naked date for girls who are self-conscious about their bodies? This is starting to smell like exploitation.

I wish they would cut back to the Manse and show what Good Wife Heather and Bad Wife Mel B are doing together. They’re probably avoiding each other. “So hey, we both had dates with Luke yesterday…”

Mal A and Luke get first mini-date. Luke gives Mal A a massage in a bubble bath hot tub. There are knots in her back? She’s a “knotty girl.” They’re very physically attracted to each other, but I don’t really like watching their sexy times. Luke loves her curves, blah blah. They make out.

Mandy has a tearful interview. How can Luke make out with so many girls in succession? It’s so awkward! Yeah, Mandy, we know. But it’s reality TV show. This is what you signed up for.

They all sit down to lunch, clad in white robes. The girls tease Luke and ask him if he’s on a diet, and he says, “I like to have my weight out where I can watch it.” That’s his version of Weight Watchers. Get it? Haha, Luke. I feel like he has good comic timing, but generally the jokes are bad.

Luke says that he wants the women to let go of their anxieties over being plus-sized women. Can we stop dwelling on that? Can we have ONE date where Luke doesn’t highlight the plus-sizey-ness of the women? Though: If he sees overweight or curvy women as sexy and (GASP!) normal, can’t he just treat them like they’re normal?

Luke interviews that he’s most attracted to sexy confidence… “comfort in their own skin.” I think it’s good that he’s looking for that, because being in a relationship with a really, really insecure person? Not very fun. Marrying someone who is unhappy with herself? That’s just filling a can with worms.

Lauren interviews, “I honestly feel like he looks at me like, I’ll be there in the end.” We shall see, Lauren. We. Shall. See.

Mandy has mixed emotions. “It’s hard to know up from down right now.” She and Luke get massages while they hold hands, which is sweet in a chaste way. (I know from aforementioned Times article that Mandy is religious, in a “I keep a Bible near me always” kind of way.)

After the massage, Mandy and Luke sit down for a talk, and she finally gets to tell him about her Feelings. “It’s difficult to continue with other people in the picture,” she says. “I have to learn to get over the shock of… the right person could possibly be happening.”

Luke interviews that Mandy’s emotions were flooding the room, which kind of grosses me out. “Sharing the kiss with Mandy today just did something to my heart that I have never felt.” Um, I’m pretty sure that Mandy is The One (at least, the “More to Love” One). Even though they barely showed her until this week.

Mandy interviews that she’s overwhelmed that the person in front of her is potentially the person she’s spending the rest of her life with. Yeah, the way this is presented… they want us to think that the Spark of Love has just ignited.

Lauren is pissed that she’s last and lets Luke know… while the other girls smother themselves in avocado. The way the whole mask thing is introduced, it feels like a producer contrivance. (Literally, Anna comes in and announces the presence of an avocado mask in the bathroom in the exact same tone and pitch with which Eric from “True Blood” once proposed that we get some “Orange Mocha Frappucinos!”)

During Lauren’s date, Luke hears the girls yelling his name and goes back into the suite. Ooh, that’s what you get for being a bitch on your date, Lauren! Luke lost interest. Luke gets in the hot tub with the avocado girls. Lauren is PISSED. It sucks, but she’s such a grumpus. She just stands fuming, instead of jumping into the tub and getting in his lap. Take a note from Mal A and use your WILES, Lauren.

“I was fuming,” Lauren says, in case we didn’t already guess. She doesn’t think Luke knows her well enough to keep her. Probably not. You fume, you lose!

MIXER

Lauren asks Heather what her confidence is, on a scale of 1 to 10, and Heather says 9. Wow! Mel B says 5. She’s nervous, because she’s the biggest girl? (Are we still on that?)

Luke has to send home two girls… and he’s not sure who it’s going to be. He’s using the mixer to finalize his decision. He toasts to “a wonderful evening with my girls.” Out of context, that sounds like a toast that a girl would to her fellow girls. Or a dad would make to his daughters.

Luke talks to Lauren. “I see the passion between Luke and I,” she interviews. “But it’s hard to really have an intense passion when there are other people in the picture.” That’s pretty much the theme/dilemma of the week. Luke asks Lauren if she feels like she’s more competitive on these group dates than the other girls. She says, I’m competing for the time.

Meanwhile, Mel B is spying on them from across the yard and relaying what she sees to Heather. It’s adorable. Great Mouse Detective! They didn’t used to like to know what Luke did with the other girls, but now they’re worried about their stake in his heart. (HA! Stake in the heart! Good thing he’s not a vampire.) Luke feels like Lauren has opened up about her jealous side tonight (and every night, ha), and he can respect that about her. But does he want to keep her?

As Luke leaves Lauren’s corner, Mandy approaches. She wants to dance with Luke! She can’t sit still! (It’s almost like being in love!) She’s grappling with real feelings she hasn’t felt in a long time, and doesn’t put her heart on the line very often. Mandy tells Luke that she hasn’t ever wanted to call anyone her boyfriend, but she wants to call him her boyfriend. The other girls peer at their encounter and say, “What’s he doing?” Lauren says that Mandy’s crying because Luke just told her she’s going home.

Um, sort of the opposite. Luke asks Mandy if she’ll be patient with him. “It’s going to get more difficult, not just for me but for you.” During the cutaway, did he just profess his love? I know they’re not allowed to do that on “The Bachelor,” but it definitely feels like something is SERIOUS between Luke and Mandy.

Luke merely interviews that he’s glad that Mandy has opened up to him. Hmmm.

Next up: Luke contemplates Mel B. “It’s kind of a mystery for me because she’s so shy,” Luke interviews. He’s been amazed by Mel B’s transformation. Mel B says the way Luke treats her makes her more confident. “You’ve changed my life, because now I feel like I can be loved,” she tells him. Is Mel B letting Luke go? This seems healthy: She got the confidence, and now she knows that she’s lovable.

…Or not. In the interview, she says, “I’m falling in love with Luke. He’s the one guy who wanted to get to know me for me.” (Just wait until the “another 21 years” part. OY.) (Wow, I forgot about “oy.” Welcome to my arsenal, “oy.”)

Luke says that he sees wife credentials in all of them, and that he’s starting to fall in love with more than one woman in the house. Heather and Mandy, and who else? Mayyybe Mal A.

Mandy interviews that she wants to trust that yesterday was special and she’s not fooling herself.

I think Kristian is going home? And Anna? We haven’t seen much of Kristian this episode, and Anna is SO GLUM about her prospects with Luke.

Emme comes in, and calls Luke “your potential husband, Luke Conley.” OY.

Six rings! Anxiety! Mandy is “trying to grapple with what’s actually happening, trying not to doubt it.”

Heather gets the first ring AGAIN. Is it just the first slot in the box? Either way, go Team Heather!

Tali gets a ring. She’s still kind of an absentee, but she seems nice enough. Team Israel!

Mel B interviews that it’s scary and intimidating, that “this man has control of how I’m going to feel.” Okay, thanks for creeping me out, Mel B! I don’t think a man should have CONTROL over your feelings. That’s your call! Mel B thinks if she gets sent home, it’ll take another 21 years to find a guy. SIGH. I thought we made so much PROGRESS, Mel B. You’re back-sliding!

“Melissa,” Luke says. Mel B looks up thinking it’s her, but Luke catches himself and adds, “A.” Okay, Malissa A has the ring.

Mandy is freaking about this “awful prison of a situation.” Seriously, Mandy? An awful prison? You’re in a Gorgeous Manse being Loved, and Luke asked you to be patient. Do you really think you’re going home?

Mandy gets a ring. See, Mandy? Calm down, you’re probably going to win.

Kristian gets a ring? Really?

Lauren keeps saying she was “gypped” re: the spa date. Not PC, but then again… this is Lauren. She says she’ll be floored if she doesn’t get her ring, and thinks she has more personality than the other girls. (Yeah, more CAUSTIC personality.)

Anna is all broken up. Pretty pretty plus-sized model Anna, don’t be sad. Your face will freeze like that, and then you’ll only be able to model for depressing products, like denture paste.

Mel B didn’t care about being Bad Wife at the time, but now she’s upset because she thinks that it hurt her chances. “I always seem to like people more than they end up liking me,” she says, another glum cog in the Wheel of Sadness. AWWWW. I totally know THAT feeling.

And the last be-ringed girl is… ANNA.

So Mel B and Lauren are out. They are both upset in their differently-abled ways.

Lauren holds Luke’s hands as he says goodbye, but avoids a hug. “Good luck finding the one you love,” she says flatly. Outside, Lauren interviews that she was far more ready to be in a serious relationship than any of the other contestants. None of the girls are as right for Luke as she is. (How’s about we let Luke be the judge of that?) “As far as I’m concerned, I could stand out here and laugh at him.” Wow, a bitch to the end. But I think she’s a bitch to cover up the PAIN.

(“I’m so glad I don’t have to hear this broad’s voice anymore,” Roomie says. “It’s heinous.”)

Luke tells Mel B that he knows she’ll do great things with her life. Once outside, she says she would have liked to take him home to her parents, but obviously it wasn’t meant to be. (If her primary concern was showing her parents that she could get a boyfriend, she WAS too young.) (We know she was too young.)

Mel B’s glad she had this experience, because she’s more confident and won’t be as scared about what people think anymore. She knows now that there are men out there who will love her. This isn’t the end of her fairytale. Aww. She tries not to cry, but it’s okay to cry a little, Mel B. You learned a lot, and I think you’re going to be Okay! I’m Okay, You’re Okay! Mel B might be the biggest success story of this show. That just leaves Kristian to be the Major Crier/Freak Her Shit Out when she’s eliminated.

Next week: All of the girls are jealous of each other, and Luke doesn’t want them to shut down (especially True Love Mandy). Tali tells Kristian that she needs to learn how to monitor herself, and Kristian blah blah blah “I love Luke.” We see the famous promo-scene, where Tali says to Luke, “I was confident about us, but now I’m not,” and Luke responds, “Wait a second. You knew I was going to be dating more women than just you.”

More to DRAMZ!

Next week he’ll whittle down the top six to the top four. (Or at least, I think he will. There are four episodes left, or at least the winner is announced September 15th.) But I’m going to be bold and skip to top three predictions.

Top three: Mandy, Heather, and… eh, whatever. (The LA Times article said that one top-four girl worries about “cultural differences” getting in the way. That could be Kristian or Tali, but I’m leaning toward Tali. Kristian wouldn’t let ANYTHING get in the way. She’s rabid.) I think Mandy or Heather will win. I don’t know enough about Anna yet. She could be the dark horse (a la Jeanine from “SYTYCD”).

And Malissa? I don’t know. They have chemistry, but… they all have chemistry. (So funny that she was hesitant to kiss Luke on the first episode, and now she’s being portrayed as the slutty one.)

Hopefully Luke cuts three next week, so we can get to the top-three Hawaiian vacation part. I need a vicarious trip to Hawaii like WHOA.

And PS, Did they cut the scene where Luke walked into a spa suite and a girl said, “Very nice,” and he closed the door on the cameras? Maybe I looked down, or maybe that was just a promo-grabber. Too hot for FOX!

xoxo…

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