The Daily Binge

“More to Love,” Episode 3. Air date: 8/11/09.

I apologize, everybody. Between work and… non-work, it was a crazy week. I fell into that weird funk where I really wanted to write the recap, and my guilt over not writing the recap was keeping me from writing the recap. And then I had to finish reading “Julie & Julia,” because my mother needed it back. But I hadn’t even started it! And then reading about Julie’s blog, my blog felt stupid.

But here I am. I’m doing it! (Foreshadowing: One of the “More to Love” ladies is about to say “do it,” too.)

Also, I apologize about the typos. Because A) I am not wearing my glasses, B) my brain tends to skip over typos (typoes?) and C) my fingers are being a little bit jittery. Crazy fingers!

To the recap!

“It’s time to show America that plus-sized women could do it, too,” says one of the women at the beginning of the episode (I think it’s Magali). Plus-sized women can do it, too? Haha, that has double entendre written all over it.

“Voluptuous, curvy women… that’s always been my thing,” Luke reminds us. If you really evaluate that statement, it’s kind of… I don’t know, creepy? Reducing women to just one thing? I mean, he’s liking something about them that most people judge them for, but… is he really saying that he likes women who are vaguely insecure? Because I feel like this show portrays “curvy” women as insecure. Which isn’t necessarily wrong, but… complicated.

Also, Roomie is annoyed that “curvy” and “overweight” are considered synonymous. “Look at Beyonce!” she cries.

We’re still in the beginning-of-episode drama preview. In one shot, Tali wearing a really cute plaid teal/purple shirt. It’s funny that Tali apparently makes it pretty far, and yet in episodes 1-3 she is basically a non-entity.

Last week: The date-cruise, Heather puked, the swimsuit date, Melissa V cried. Christina had a solo Vegas date, Lauren revealed her backstabby gossip habits.

The redhead who got off last week said, “Those girls are really great, so I hope one of them establishes a true connection with him.” Awww! That’s sweet. Now leave. Get out of here. Scoot!

TODAY

Post-bathing suit date, Kristian is jealous that she didn’t get to see Luke’s bod. She’s asking if Luke is tanned, and wants to know about every “crevice.” Eeeewww.

Christina says, “Somebody just needs to tell her about the chest hair, and that’s about it.” Ha! Funny joke, Christina. Nice zing. I don’t think he has chest hair, and it’s also funny that Christina thinks that anything could turn Kristian off. At this point, Kristian, is a Luke-seeking missile.

Case in point: Kristian says, “I want to pour bbq sauce all over him and eat him like a porkchop.” Okay, that’s disgusting. And secondly… Hello? Stereotype much? The big girl wants to eat?

Kristian interviews, “When I talk about him or see him, I light up like a lightbulb.” She LOVES those Luke-related similes.

Kristian lists a whole bunch of facts about Luke. If there is a Luke-test (a la “Beauty and the Geek”), Kristian will get an A+. Lauren adds, “He has a puppy.” I wonder if she’s thinking about dogs vis a vis wishing Kristian had a muzzle.

Tall-Anna is eating a peanut butter sandwich and wearing a hoodie, and she reminds me of a water-polo player. She says that she worries, because as great of a connection as she has with Luke, she doesn’t know what goes on with the other girls.

Luke enters the Manse of Women in an orange polo. “Girls, get your fine selves down here.” There is a nice symmetry here, because last time Emme wore an orange shirt. Also, glad to see Luke here, instead of Emme. Nice personal touch. You don’t see this happening on “The Bachelor!” (At least, I don’t: I don’t watch “The Bachelor.”)

Luke notes that growing up they were all pushed aside or left out because of their weight, and he wants to make it up to the girls. Ooh, is he sending them all to therapy?

No, he’s… taking them to Prom.

“I think that Prom is a very special event that some of us might have missed out on,” he says. “So… will you all go to the Prom with me?” His voice raises an octave on the question. Haha.

Can I just step in a minute, Luke? It’s cool of you to act like this stuff is your idea, but we all know that the producers totally thought of this. And they’re totally paying for it. And you’re taking all of the girls at once. So… it’s just about as lame as a regular Prom, if not more lame.

They girls say “Yay!” and Luke says, “Good, good. I was nervous.” Heh, it’s hard not to like him. (More to Like!)

Okay, I neglected to mention that there are big silver presents on the floor. Before I thought they were invitations, but now that I see the scale, they are way too big to be invitations. They are… full of Prom dresses. Oh no, let the drama begin! (Or not. Oddly, the girls don’t fight over the dresses, which I’ve definitely seen on some other reality show… can’t remember which one.) (Maybe it was my life.)

“It’s going to be the night you always dreamed of,” Luke says. If you keep your expectations low.

The girls rip into the presents. The dresses are elaborate. Some of them are almost Renaissance Faire-y.

Needless to say, this is so high school. And/or sorority.

“I’ll swim in it,” Tali says, re: some off-screen dress. Ugh, the girls must hate her for that. (Tali is not overweight. Maybe she’s just the token Israeli?) Tali interviews that she’s more excited than the others because she’s never been to Prom. (Because she just moved here from Israel, I guess. Do they have Prom in Israel? I don’t think they do.)

“Who’s a size 22?” A girl yells, sorting through the dresses.

“Mandy, don’t wear the same dress as me!” Heather shouts across the room. That’s the full extent of the dress drama. Seriously, I can’t wait for the episode where they sword-fight with bouquets.

Danielle watches Bonnie try on a green strapless dress (over her clothes… awk). “That’s not bad, can you breathe?”

“No,” Bonnie answers. “Who needs to breathe?” Bonnie is the best. I really have no rational explanation for my girl crush on Bonnie, except that she’s fierce. Bonnie interviews that in high school the plus-sized dresses weren’t as gorgeous as they are now.

The girls are primping– manicures, hair, makeup, etc. Good time to chat about Prom dates past!

Danielle’s excited because she was never asked, and had to bribe guys to go with her. (That sounds sad now, but it will all make sense later.)

Kristian went to Prom by herself, and had to steal her friend’s date to take pictures to show her mom.

You guys, this isn’t so tragic. I went to my junior Prom with one of those little blue men that you can grow in water. AKA, I went stag. All of my other friends had dates, and they bought me the blue man (I think he was called Mr. Right) as a gag. I tried to find a date but I went to school with nerds. One guy literally turned me down because he had “big plans to play computer games that night.”

Anyway, I wore a lovely periwinkle dress and the blue man was a fantastic date. He still lives on my desk at home. And I had a good time, and have no desire to re-do my Prom, although I do have a constant desire to dance to cheesy music. (Full disclosure: Senior year I went to Prom with my then-boyfriend, who — I’m happy to report– is not trapped anywhere in my childhood home.)

For me, the heartbreak of going stag was not a heartbreak, but Kristian was sad watching girls and their dates dancing. (Sometimes Prom dates can be a drag, Kristian. Sure they SEEM fun, but you don’t know their lives!)

Tali is wearing a bejeweled periwinkle dress (OMG, flashbacks to my junior Prom). “Look at you glowing,” Bonnie says. “And that dress is, like, made for you.” Once again, Tali is not plus-sized. She’s a ringer, or something. Lauren and Mandy are similarly sleek in their dresses… I don’t buy that they’re bigger than a 14 or 16 or whatever plus-sized is. I’m confused about the premise of this show, though. Are they supposed to be average or fat? Is average the same as fat now?

Lauren says that she didn’t go to Prom because the guy she was dating didn’t realize that she wanted to go, and she was too embarrassed to ask him because of her weight. Aw, not going for self-consciousness reasons is sadder than going stag.

It’s looks like that corset-pulling from TITANIC as the girls help each other into their dresses. Heather observes that all of the dresses are flattering for all of the girls, and she’s mostly right. I’m impressed.

Luke watches the girls come down the stairs, and is “blown away.”

In her interview, Melissa is crying. “I have dreamt of this moment my whole life. I’m totally excited but, like, nervous at the same time.” When the girls are lined up, Melissa looks the least confident. She has that shoulder hunch going.

“Prom Night 2009!” Luke says. “Here we go!” To the limo!

Luke interviews that a lot of them weren’t asked to Prom or it was awkward and they didn’t enjoy it (did they tell him this, or is he just guessing?), so he wants to give all of the ladies the Prom night they’ve always dreamed of. So… he wants to get them drunk and deflower them in a hotel room?

Bonnie calls it a “second chance Prom,” which something the LGBT club used to throw when I was in college, for same sex couples who were denied a chance to go to their high school Proms as they were. This is a little less ground-breaking, if you ask me. Although I could totally see Bonnie being the awesome Ally at the REAL second chance Prom.

Okay, several of the girls look really slender in their dresses. How’d they do that? Generally I find formal wear to be completely unforgiving.

Some band is performing that maybe we’re supposed to know? A blonde lady is the lead singer. They’re so of No Doubt-y, but they’re not No Doubt. This whole season probably cost less than No Doubt’s fee.

As he did last week at the pool party, Luke tries to be silly to loosen the girls up. He’s like a sad clown or something.

Kristian says, “We danced the night away and had a blast. This time I had a date, and he was perfect.” We see her telling Luke the I-borrowed-a-date-for-the-pictures story.

Luke and Kristian are dancing. He says, “We’re going to have great memories from this.” Kristian replies, “You’re a great guy, Luke Conley.” Luke says, “Thank you, Kristian.” Aww, (corny) movie moments! Of course, they kiss… in front of the other girls? Awkward. It’s Kristian’s first real kiss with Luke, and she’s pumped.

The other girls are eating strawberries (I think?) and Luke takes Melissa B. out on the dance floor. (Where’s MAlissa this week? The “mal” is appropriate, because she is bad/mean). Of course Mel B is embarrassed and says, “I can’t dance.” Does she lack an once of ego?

She never danced before, ever. Literally? Maybe so. Luke is telling her to go side to side. Seriously, Melissa? A lesson in swaying? You need more experience. In all things everything. She laughs and smiles and Luke twirls her, and it’s nice to see her NOT looking insecure.

Mel B interviews that her Prom was awful. Sad faces!

“I’m dancing, look at me.” Mel B puts her head on Luke’s chest. “This is so Prom.” Luke embraces her. “THIS is prom.” More movie moments. Is anybody writing this down? (Me.)

“I’ve never had a guy embrace me and hold me,” Mel B interviews. “Especially in a room full of other people. They were always embarrassed. And he was just like, I wanna dance with you. He didn’t care. It was just wonderful.” He kisses her. It’s one of the greatest nights of her life. Awww. But SAD.

How much of the sad parts of Mel B’s story were playing out in her head? I want a guy to come out of the woodwork who dated Mel B, and reassure her that he actually did like her. But wait… she’s never been on a date. Who’s fault is that, really? She’s sooo insecure. It’s an ouroboros of fault-iness.

Then Emme is there, and the music gets kind of anxious. Emme says that because Luke surprised the girls with Prom, she has a little surprise for him. Luke says, “What would that be?” He seems so nervous, like she’s going to reveal his prison record or something. (What’s Luke hiding?!) (Also, good idea for a show: “Joe Convict.” Women compete for the love of a man, who– twist!– is going back to prison when shooting wraps.)

But we’ll save Luke BIG secrets (get it?) for another day. His friends burst in! All… two of them? Oh, they’re his “best buddies” from college—Chase and Sam.

Oooh, and Luke’s friends are going to name the Prom Queen. She will get an individual date with Luke. UGH, Prom just got LAME. Naming a queen? Mean.

Luke says to the girls, “I know my friends are good-looking, but don’t forget who you’re here for.” Heh. Everybody’s insecure!

Malissa A is back! And wants to be Prom Queen. Of course she does.

Bonnie tells Chase that she’s been calling herself Bon-ley, after Luke Conley. Funny. Weird? I’m always up for word games. For example: Prom Queen. PQ. Mind your Ps and Qs, Malissa A.

Danielle is a plus-sized model? Is everybody a plus-sized model around here? Heather interviews that Danielle cock-blocked her from Luke’s friends by talking too much. Ugh, Danielle. I know that Heather could have been more assertive, but since I like her better than you– UGH.

Almost-no-screen-time Mandy interviews that the most emotional part was anticipation of who’s going to win Prom Queen, because of the stakes (aka, wanting to go on the date). If the date weren’t part of the deal, would anyone really care about being queen? Hopefully not.

Ugh, the queen thing is really a bummer. Way to dampen the good times. This second chance prom is also last chance prom! (For this week’s individual date, at least.)

The queen is… “The girl that we chose, there’s something about her,” Chase says. “I didn’t even have to talk to her very long to figure that out.” I’m hoping it’s Heather, not cock-blocked after all. But no, it’s pool-jumping Danielle.  Ugh, Heather must be pissed. (She interviews that she IS pissed.)

The other girls look shocked, because… let’s be real, did Danielle promise Chase a blowie or something? We know she bribed her past Prom dates. Lauren literally interviews, “What the fuck?”

Danielle cries. She says that she put her walls down and really put herself out there, and is ecstatic to have won. “It was literally like floating in a dream.” Yuck.

Bonnie interviews without her ’40/’50s makeup, and is STILL cute. Bonnie doesn’t feel like Prom Queen is most beloved person there. It looks like she might have been crying when Prom Queen was announced? Sad! “I should have been Prom Queen,” she laughs. I AGREE! All the girls awkwardly watch Luke and Danielle dance. If they had lasers in their eyes, Danielle would be DEAD.

And HA!- even Luke was shocked about the choice: “She’s not at the top of my list right now.” (Seriously, Danielle must have slipped Chase some major bribe money.) But Luke’s glad to have the date to see what his friends saw in her. That’s diplomatic.

All the girls take pictures with Luke. That’s only going to be a good memory for one of them, in the end. Second chance Prom is just as sad as original Prom, if not worse!

The next morning, the girls sit around the table looking really pissed (they NEED to invest in some eye-lasers) as Danielle talks about how happy she was to dance with Luke. All the girls want a one-on-one, and they are none-too-pleased for Danielle. She interviews that she has only been on three dates, and has never been asked on a second date (for reasons which will soon be evident). “I’m a little bit scared. Screw it, I’m a lotta-bit scared.”

She says several times that she doesn’t want to have a heart-to-heart date– she wants to have a fun, active date, because she feels “talked-out.” Um, excuse me? Danielle? Luke is looking for a future wife. I think a heart-to-heart is exactly what you need to have. If you came here to play lazer tag… whatever.

I’m not sure where the Manse is located, but the limo is whisking Luke and Danielle to Newport Beach… a good hour each way of commute. Danielle talks sports. (That a Yawn, in my book.) She tells Luke that she did stand up about her dad, because he dressed in drag? At Sea World? “That was awesome memories. I love that.” Okay, what? Is her dad a cross-dresser, or a person who meta-makes fun of cross-dressers?

I feel like the way this is cut, we’re supposed to feel like she was blathering. (To be fair, she probably WAS blathering.) Luke looks… bored. “Danielle can definitely chat it up,” he interviews. “It’s really hard to get into a conversation with her and enjoy dialogue, which is… dialogue’s back and forth.” Okay, we all knew since the pool incident that she’s crazy. Also, if funny to see Luke NOT like a girl, and acknowledge that she’s crazy. (I mean, just the fact that he kept her after the pool incident shows that he’s more forgiving than most of us.) Luke’s human! Let us rejoice.

Back to the limo, where Danielle is imitating a megaphone. “Attention! Whoever’s on the island, get off of it!” We see b-reel footage of the looong freeway ahead. “Read any good books lately, by the way?” Danielle asks, trying to be funny. Luke just says, “Ummm…”

They are dining at a restaurant called Harborside, in Newport. (That’s another reason why this blog is late. I spent several hours on Saturday in the lovely Newport/Balboa area. So sue me!)

Luke interviews, re: Danielle’s crazy-talk in the limo: “I’m thinking, maybe it’s just her nerves.” He’s looking forward to getting her into the restaurant and letting her enjoy some of his favorite foods. AKA he’s looking forward to stuffing her mouth so she’ll have to shut up?

“Do you like calamari?” Luke asks Danielle. She puts on her awkward face: “I actually don’t eat seafood.”

PERFECT.

“It’s okay, you can dig in,” Danielle reassures Luke. He interviews, “I was kind of like, oh awkward, like what do I do now?”

I love this date! Romantic is so boring. Awkwardness is the spice of life. More to love!

Back at the house…

Bonnie, re: Danielle: “I like having her gone for a little while. It’s very relaxing.”

Kristian interviews that she wants to strangle Dani, because she’s too frenetic. Coming from extremely-frenetic Kristian, that just shows you what a ball of crazy Danielle must be. (And also, how crazy Kristian is, for knowing that frenetic is annoying but not cooling her own jets.)

Lauren interviews that she’s glad that Luke will finally see Danielle’s “non-ladylike ways.” Heh. Lauren is not the most ladylike lady I’ve ever seen, but she has a point about Danielle. This individual date is giving Dani just enough rope to hang herself with.

The house-girls talk about how she constantly craves attentions. Lauren points out, hitting the nail on the head, that Dani doesn’t know when to shut up.

Back in the date, it’s dessert time. Dani opts for a chocolate-and-nut-covered banana, and she’s eating it… maybe not intentionally sexually, but definitely not in a ladylike manner. Luke’s watching her like WHAT? And he’s Luke, the non-judgmental lover of big ladies eating big portions. He interviews that he thought they could eat and talk at the same time but… Dani has not mastered the art of “don’t talk with your mouth full.”

In a jibe that took me several viewings to fully appreciate, Luke says, re: the penile banana, “Dive into that like you’d dive into a swimming pool.” Get it? Because she dove into the pool during their first mixer? BURN!

“I’m going to regret this decision a little bit,” Dani says, re: something she ate. That’s not all she’s going to regret about this night/being on this show in the first place.

Oh no, the date has another phase. Poor Luke. He is so NOT excited for the next phase. I bet if he could, he’d cut it off here. But the producers have other things in mind…

Ooh, a gondola. Luke interviews, “At a certain point, I kind of made up my mind about the type of person that Danielle is.” Read: The type of person he doesn’t like. “I was really just kind of wiped out and I wanted to relax and not worry about talking,” he says.

On the gondola, Danielle tells Luke that he’s her first second date, EVER. (It’s only a technicality, Danielle: The first date was a group date, and the second date was mandated by Luke’s evil “buddies.”) “What haven’t you had any second dates?” Luke asks, although he know EXACTLY why. He asks it completely deadpan, and kind of sounds like he wants to kill himself. I am cackling at this point.

“I’m really good at spilling a lot of stuff on first dates,” she says. “Not being in a relationship, still being a virgin.” Luke makes another hilarious face. I don’t think it’s about the info, but about the way Dani delivered it. Like, she knew it would be too much to spill, but she did it ANYWAY. A lot of the other never-had-a-date girls are probably in the same boat, figuratively. Unfortunately, Danielle’s the one in the gondola right now.

PS: Wasn’t Danielle the one who said that she hoped they wouldn’t have to have a heart-to-heart date? And now she’s the one spewing her life story, unprovoked.

After the virgin statement, there’s a Moment of Quiet. Then Luke says, in a very defeated voice, “I love being on the water.” Way to change the subject! Haha. “The restaurant was so pretty,” he adds. Crickets.

Danielle interviews that Luke was awesome, and that he’s given her the best gift ever: Hope. HOW does she not realize that he’s having the worst time? Seriously.

To add metaphors to injury, Danielle looks out from the gondola and says, “I think this is a fitting metaphor, as I’m looking out and I see endless possibilities.” Luke answers with a lukewarm: “Yeah.” “From where I sit now,” Danielle adds, which doesn’t really clarify or enhance the previous statement. “That’s good,” Luke says, but it sounds a lot like, “Shut up.”

This blows, because now everyone knows that Danielle’s terrible. Once she leaves the “More to Love” Bubble (at the end of this episode, for sure), anybody who’s seen this show is going to stay far, far away from her. And anybody who has seen this show and still wants to date her: Good luck to you, Sir. You are a Nutter Butter in your own right.

Luke wants to make sure that everyone’s having a good time, so he seeks out more one-on-one time with Heather. Yay! As much as I enjoyed the previous Date of Terror, I am excited for the cuteness that is Luke and Heather.

Lauren runs in with a Note from Luke (attached to a crazy giant ring, which I failed to point out in previous recaps): The girls are all kind of pissed that the note is just for Heather. (It also ends in “Love, Luke.” The L-word is rampant around here.) “Hope you enjoy the ride,” the note says, which immediately spells horse-riding, in my book.

Heather makes fists and says, “Yes!” (Is she wearing an Ed Hardy hat? I think she is, but I will forgive her JUST THIS ONCE.)

“What the (bleep) is that, I never get what I want around here!” Lauren says, acknowledging that it’s a totally hissy fit. Heh. She irks me, but I love her. I would probably be the Lauren, if I were on the show.

Heather interviews that she really needs the date to catch up, after the whole first-date Barfing Incident.

“She’s excited, I’m jealous…” Lauren says to one of the other Left Behind Girls. “I think it’s gonna get her eliminated… so I’m totally cool with it.” Lauren thinks that everything everybody else does with Luke is going to get them eliminated.

Luke keeps saying Heather felt “self conscious” about not spending much time with him. I think that’s a weird phrase to use, because her feeling doesn’t have to do with appearance? “Worried” or “frustrated” is probably a better term, but everything on this show is reduced to the idea of eating or looks, so whatever.

In the limo, Heather asks what they’re doing. Luke says, “It’ll become obvious at the right time, I think.” In juxtaposition to the Danielle date, Heather’s limo behavior is so much better. No Sea World/trans-Dad/megaphone imitations in sight.

Heather interviews that she wants a fun date, because she’s not sure how to handle herself in romantic situations. “I don’t think of myself as a very romantic person, but I think Luke is, so I’m hoping that today is a way to get to know him better and then start being more romantic.” See, she wanted the same things that Danielle wanted, but in a much saner way! (I’m sorry, Danielle, but this is the way that the reality TV cookie crumbled for you.)

“Horses!” Heather exclaims as the horses come into view, sounding exactly like Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers. (Sometimes I like to imitate her and say, “I’d FIND you!” But not anywhere in the vicinity of men that I like in a romantic sense.). The ranch is called “Trust Ranch.” Heather is looking for trustworthiness, so it’s very fitting.

Heather gets paired with a horse named Luna, and Luke gets a horse called… Tivvie? (Quite question: If Heather was perhaps suffering from motion sickness on the last date, isn’t horseback riding potentially more of a barf-o-rama? Are the producers secretly hoping that she’ll barf AGAIN?)

“Is Tivvie gonna mind that I’m over 300 pounds?” Luke asks. (Ha!) “No, not at all,” says Cool Ranch Guy. “We asked him earlier and he was fine with it.” (Ha!)

“His horse was a guy horse and mine was a girl horse,” Heather interviews. “So it was kinda like double dating with horses.” (Which is cute– as long as you don’t engaged in any inter-couple inter-species kinky-ness.)

They’re riding down a semi-steep (I think everything is steep) trail, and Heather is yelling “Whoa!” and laughing a lot, which is probably about exactly the same as I would react.

It’s a bumpy ride. Heather says, “I should have worn my sports bra!” Luke retorts, “I know I have mine on!” I am all about their adorable banter.

Heather interviews, “When I was on the horse I was like, Wow I make this look good. Because, like, I felt good on the horse. I wasn’t hurting the horse at all because they carry, like, wagons, you know?” That’s funny, and sad. And also: They PULL wagons.

Back at the manse, the girls are in the pool. Can I just say: For all the fuss they made about the swimsuit date, they seem totally fine with being filmed in their bathing suits. Even sob-tastic Mel B has at least 2 really cute swimsuits. The two or three bathing suits that I posses are far cheaper and fuglier than hers. (Cute bathing suits are expensive, and I don’t swim often.) They must have been told that they’d be swimming on camera, and instructed to buy cute suits. Or they already OWNED cute suits? Either way… that’s all. Just a little venting. I’m not even sure where this was going.

Okay, in the jacuzzi. Kristian tells Dani that sometimes she wants to wring her neck. Ookay. She tells her that sometimes she wants to stuff a sock in her mouth. Tell us how you really feel, Kristian.

Mel B asks, “What about me?” (Way to open a can of crazy-worms, Mel B.) Kristian answers: “You… I think you’re hiding something.” (Ooh, now it’s a j’accuse-i!) (Best pun ever!)

Kristian interviews that Mel B would throw somebody under a bus or stab somebody in the back. REALLY? Either Kristian is totally paranoid (true), or the editors have been fooling us with these Mel B sob-a-thons. If she’s throwing anybody under a bus, it’s herself.

“You’re feeding into this chick and she’s gonna steal our man,” Kristian tells the others. Mel B interviews, “I think Kristian is attacking me. But I think she’s just jealous, ’cause she’s like, crazy.” Agreed. Also: Mel B doesn’t cry. Way to go!

Back on the horse trail, Luke says, “I could get used to this. It’s something I want to do again.” “With me?” Heather asks. “Of course with you,” Luke replies. Awwww. (Of course, he had to say that.)

Heather says that it’s the coolest date she’s ever been on. No guy (er, no producers, really) has ever taken her horseback riding before. (Everything Luke does for them is being paid for by producers. They know that, right? I feel like the winner is going to be WAY disappointed when the first post-show date is more taking-the-car-to-Applebee’s than private-jet-to-Vegas.)

Heather and Luke sit down at some wooden tree house-without-a-tree thing and have a little heart-to-heart. Luke asks Heather what her greatest gift is. She says that it’s her voice, and singing. Is it her dream to have a career in music? Luke asks. Heather answers that she doesn’t think she’s that good or unique; she just has a good voice.

But Luke persists. “If it’s something that you’ve dreamed about doing, and something that’s in your heart, you need to let that out.” Heather admits that she hasn’t pursued her singing because of her size. To make it, she would need the image and the talent.

Luke asks, “Why can’t you just be yourself, and be the sexy, beautiful woman you are and get up and sing?” Um, Luke, have you heard the things that people say about Kelly Clarkson?

Heather laughs: “I don’t know.” I think she wipes away a tear. This is totally like being in therapy, while on a date. (Awkward.) Luke should host the next season of “How to Look Good Naked,” or something. He has this way of making women feel comfortable, and also making them cry (and sometimes vomit).

Heather interviews that she’s never talked to anyone she dated about size, because they’ve always been smaller than her, and she’s always assumed that they thought she was ugly. Awwww sad. Where did these feelings come from? I think she really does need some therapy, stat.

On the date, Heather says to Luke, “I think you need to know who you are before you can find somebody who’s right for you. [SO TRUE.] And I think I’ve learned so much about myself and it’s, like, really cool. I’ve never, like, known myself or appreciated myself as much as I do now.”

Heather interviews that because of this experience she feels like Luke could love her, because she loves herself. She thinks it’s showing now. Not in a conceited way, but in the way that everybody should love themselves.

You guys, Heather is my new favorite. Love yourself first! Everybody love everybody!

Then Heather says, “I just want to kiss you.” And Luke kisses her! Movie moments.

Luke gets ready for the pre-elimination mixer. There are twelve girls left. Bonnie looks amazing at the mixer, in a leopard dress with a red belt. Very ’40s. Rawr! I cannot get over it. Bonnie: Be my stylist.

Christina interviews that she’s always re-evaulating her situation with Luke based on seeing him interact with the other girls. (Didn’t Anna say this at the beginning?) (One of my friends commented that the girls seem sort of interchangeable to him, and they definitely do SAY a lot of the exact same things, but I blame this on editing more than the girls.)

Lauren asks Luke if he’s excited or worried. He says he’s excited, because he’s getting one step closer to the right girl. Lauren’s excited too. “I wish we had eliminations every day,” she tells him.

In her interview, she says, “I’m confident that I’m not going anywhere. The other ladies in the house are not as right for him as I am.” However more right for him she is than everybody else, I have not seen it yet. He seems like too much of an Average Nice Guy for her.

Luke interviews that Lauren is trying to assert herself as his woman, and that’s a turn on. (Sometimes I’m confused by the thigns that turn Luke on.) At the mixer, he says to Lauren, “Here’s to Luke and Lauren, getting a date.” So she probably isn’t going anywhere.

Danielle interviews that she sees the other girls doing “political campaigns” for attention, but says that she’s not about to do that. She’s sort of lurking in the fireplace (that’s right, in it), drinking. She says that there’s  chemistry there, because she is the Prom Queen (it sounds like that byte has been cut from different quotes). SOOO eliminated. And sooo not-living-in-reality (reality TV reality, at least).

We see Malissa A saying “I want you to know that I’m really interested in you. You seem like a great guy.” She says it in a sort of CRUEL INTENTIONS way. Also, isn’t “you seem like a great guy” more of a first week thing to say? Step it UP, Malissa the Malevolent.

Re: Prom, Luke says, “They really opened up. They saw my boys, they know a lot more about me.” HA. They “saw your boys,” eh? Dirty.

Heather says, ” I feel so comfortable around you.” “Comfortable” is THE word on this show. It’s getting ridiculous. Luke says to Heather, “You have these gifts and these dreams, and I want nothing more than to see you totally go for it.”

Bonnie brought Luke a present: a doodle she drew of him, hidden in her cleavage. “A lot more subtle things have come up to the surface that tells me a lot about the girls,” Luke interviews. (Was the drawing in the cleavage one of the “subtle things” that “came up?” Heh.) “It’s been interesting, you know, as time has passed, which girls have risen up to the surface and what girls have kind of fallen behind.”

Kristian talks with Luke. She tells him he’s definitely the man that she’s been dreaming of she she was a little girl. “Honestly, I think I’m falling for you.” DUH. “I know I am.” DOUBLE DUH. She’s your stalker, Luke.

Kristian has somehow switched places with Mel B, in the Crying Department. She cries, “I’m so scared and not ready to be heartbroken tonight.” (But you’ll be ready to be heartbroken at some point in the near future?) She pretty much just keeps crying for the rest of the episode. She cries on the couch, telling Heather that she feels vulnerable and scared. Heather rubs Kristian’s back and says, “You don’t know what he’s gonna do. I don’t think he’s gonna send you home.” LOVE HEATHER. See, that’s why she should win.

Kristian interviews that she’s never had a man in her life who made her feel beautiful. “I look in the mirror every day and I know that I’m beautiful and I have so much to offer someone who really truly wants to be with me.” Awww. But still, enough with the crying.

Emme walks in. “Hey Emmy,” Luke says, and I’m not sure if he’s being palsy or if the -e is non-silent.

Emme announces that four girls will be going home, and the girls gasp. I gasp, too. How many weeks will this show last, if every elimination is a decimation?

Danielle interviews that she wants to keep her ring. Fat chance, Danielle! (Sorry for saying “fat chance.” Something about this show brings out the puns and entendres.)

Malissa says it’s anybody’s game, she doesn’t know what to expect. “It’s scary.” It’s not THAT scary, Malissa. Seriously, stop being so sinister.

Elimination time is here.

Luke says, “I feel like the luckiest man alive.” He never thought he could make so many strong connections. He thanks them for putting themselves out there, because he knows it hasn’t been easy.

Heather gets the first ring! Yay!

Kristian talks about a knight and shining armor/prince. “I look at him as the amazing man who I’ve dreamt of since I could think about princesses and princes.” Oh God, Kristian, these metaphors… you’re working yourself into a frenzy.

Mandy’s in. We haven’t heard much from her yet. She tells Luke that her finger felt naked without her ring. Nice little plant of the word “naked,” Mandy.

Anna (looking CUTE in a yellow dress with geometrical patterns) says she’s in panic mode because she wants a one-on-one date to show Luke how great they’d be together.

Guess what? Anna’s in!

Bonnie’s feeling confident. I’m feeling confident for Bonnie, because I love her.

Lauren’s in. She says that the elimination thrills her because it means more time with Luke. She also says that she doesn’t care what order she’s called in, as long as she gets called.

Kristian worries that she scared Luke away, that she said too much. “I let down a wall that I usually don’t let down.”

Tali’s in. We haven’t seen much of her, either. But we keep seeing teasers of some sort of drama where Luke says something along the lines of, “I’m dating a bunch of girls at once, and you knew that coming in.” I would totally be an upset-Tali, in that sense. That’s why I steer clear of dating shows! (Which is easy for normal people to do, because dating shows don’t exactly come knocking.)

“I’m so nervous, I’m just positive that I’m going home,” Mel B says. And she’s not crying! This must have been a post-elim interview? Or she’s getting better about the waterworks? What a breakthrough!

Mel B’s in. She says that she thought Luke meant to say Malissa A, and she’s like, “Oh man, the ring better fit!” I guess they ARE engraved? She thought he read the wrong name.

Malissa A is also in. She’s ready for the next date. “When is it my turn?” Eh, maybe I don’t hate her after all. I go back and forth.

“Only one ring remains.” Thanks, Emme, for always letting us know. Even though we can see with our eyes that only one ring remains. (Oh well, I guess she has to do SOMETHING to earn her host-bucks.)

Danielle wants the ring. She loves Luke! She’s never felt emotions like this before.

Amanda says she’ll feel like something’s wrong with her if she doesn’t get the ring. “I don’t know why Luke wouldn’t like me.” Before this elimination, I have never seen Amanda before. She must have been really unremarkable. Who are you, Amanda?

Kristian gets the last ring. NOOO BONNIE! (If it’s any consolation, your outfit is amazing.)

Christina, Bonnie, Amanda, and Danielle are out. Notice that TWO girls who got one-on-one dates are out. You gotta bring it on those dates!

Christina tells Luke she feels like he made a really big mistake. He tells her he doesn’t think they’d be good together. “Don’t think this is easy,” he says. Christina is surprised by the girls he chose. “If those are the girls he wants to be with, then… that’s fine.” Ugh, she’s catty. At least she got a jet ride to Vegas… if she couldn’t win Luke on an individual date, she deserves to go.

Bonnie hugs him and pats him on the shoulder. “Luke may have an attraction to me but I would scare the crap of out Luke’s mom,” she interviews on the Trail of Tears, but she’s keeping it together. (I’ll miss you, Bonnie!) “And no boy wants to do that to his own mother.” (But to somebody else’s mother? Maybe.)

I want to host a reality show where I get to hang out with all of the cool eliminated peeps from reality TV, like Fabio from “Top Chef,” Seth from “Dating in the Dark,” etc etc. Bonnie can totally be on it, AND do my makeup. And of course, Fabio will cook delicious Italian food for us. (Somebody with power: please greenlight this show!)

Amanda says, “I’m really shocked with Luke’s decision. I think I’m kind of prettier than some of the girls than the house. I wonder what Luke could possibly see in Mel B. This is like a total blow to my ego. I’ve never lost a guy to a girl bigger than me or not as attractive. I really don’t know how to take it right now.” Ugh, it all comes off as the bitchiest thing EVER. If she’s here to be the prettiest, wrong show. Luke’s looking for personality, and hers obviously sucks. (But I’m surprised we never saw her before this, since bitches are generally reality TV gold.)

Danielle says to Luke, “I will just say thank you, and I hope you find the girl of your dreams.” She interviews, “It’s hard to say goodbye… he just gave me all the tools I’ve been asking for for the past 10 years.” She feels like she’s on a new path in life. It’s scary, but she’s ready to jump now.

Oh God, Luke did not give her any tools. What the heck is she talking about? He tried to be nice and vague and non-hostile. And like I said, if anything this show is the worst thing she’s ever done, because… everything she’s done has been cringe-worthy.

Okay, there are now eight girls left. Let the dates and drama get even more intense! More to love!

Next week: They do some game where Lauren holds up a “bad wife” sign and says, “I believe Kristian’s too emotionally unstable for a relationship this serious.” Kristian cries. She’s totally the crier now!

Somebody gets a second one on one with Luke! Dramz!

Lauren interviews, “What the fuck does ‘fun’ have to do with being a wife?” (Which probably makes sense in context, but is pretty hilarious out of context. Being a wife is not fun!)

Luke feels like he’s falling in love with more than one woman in the house. He tells Heather she’s a natural beauty. (Did she get the second one-on-one? Fingers crossed!)

Luke sees wife credentials in each one of these ladies.

Mel B emerges from her shell (and belly dances?).

Luke goes into a hotel room in a bathrobe and a girl says, “Very nice!” (Ha!) (Also, you can read about these spa-dates in this LA Times article.)

And finally, Luke says to Heather, “There’s something I’d like to tell you, it’s been kind of weighing on me and I’ve been holding it back, but….” BUT WHAT? Heather looks concerned. We’ll have to wait until next week to find out what’s going on. Is he going to tell her that it’s a turn-off, that’s she not pursuing her dream? Is he going to tell her that there’s spinach in her teeth?

Stay tuned… (and thanks for being patient!)

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