A Very MAD MEN Yom Kippur

September 30, 2009
Pretty Betty.

Pretty Betty.

Episode 307 “Seven Twenty Three,” Air Date 9/27/09

Okay, same deal with the “Glee” recap. I had the best of intentions, but it kind of fell apart. Especially because I was fasting, and tired, and spoilered. But I started the recap, so… why not publish it? Right? So you’ve been warned. This starts out slow, and ends up with a two-sentence string trying to tie it all up. (Sort of.)

I have about 15 episodes of various shows to catch up on, and I’m jumping into “Mad Men” first because already two people have accidentally spoiled me. (I’m looking at you, Mom and Thomas.) Apparently last night’s episode was a doozy. (“Doozy?” Who says that anymore?) (I do? I guess.)

Oh wow, from the Previously On alone, I can tell that this is going to be a meaty episode. There’s the clip of the guy who hit on pregnant Betty (“I’m from the governor’s office”). And look, there’s the Maypole-loving teacher who called Don. And a whole bunch of business stuff.

Can we talk about “Mad Men’s” amazing opening titles? Can you think about this show without that amazing RJD2 song getting stuck in your head?

Peggy is asleep in some man’s bed. And that’s all we see! (Also… jealous.) (Or not.)

Good times?

Good times for Peggy?

Cut to… Betty, lounging on a couch or divan. It could be a therapist’s couch, but I don’t think so. She’s wearing a nice dress, and she’s… luxuriating.

Cut to… Uh oh, is that Don? Is he dead?

Bad times for Don.

Bad times for Don.

No, he’s not. Don wakes up face-down in what looks like a motel room, maybe. There are twin beds (or maybe two full beds?) with red comforters. Don’s face is all bloody!

He holds his sore neck, and… now it’s the day before, I guess. Don’s tying his die. He’s getting ready for work. So dapper and efficient, that Don.

Downstairs, and older woman is helping Betty redecorate. Don says it all looks fine, but Betty isn’t satisfied.

Betty: All you do all day at work is evaluate objects. I would like the benefit of your eye.

Wow, what a loaded statement. And objects=women, right? That’s one interpretation. Don tells Betty where they ought to move the end-table and the lamp, and he’s right. Future interior decorator? Nah, probably not.

Don and Sterling enter the elevator at work.

Sterling: I watched the sunrise today.

Don: How was it?

Sterling: Average.

Ha. Sterling tells Don that Ogilvy wrote a book called “Confessions of an Ad Man.” “It’s the book everybody writes,” Sterling says. “Only he got it published. It should be called, ‘A Thousand Reasons I’m So Great.’” (Jealous much?) (Very much.) (That’s a rip on a quote from “Vampire Diaries,” and I love it.) (The original was Caroline saying, “Cocky much?” and Damon answering, “VERY much.”)

Don is 15 minutes late, and when he gets to his office, the Fab Four (Pete, Harry, Sal, and Paul) are waiting. Don’s like, I told you guys not to hover! C’mon, guys. But they’re hovering because… Conrad Hilton is sitting in Don’s office. Don tells the guys to come back in twenty minutes. “You look great,” the secretary whispers to Don. Go get him, Tiger!

Paul: Take an hour if you need it.

Harry (angry, to Paul): He wants to look busy!

Is it just me, or does Harry seem kind of stupid this season? Maybe just naive. And the secretary’s name is Allison, because Don tells her to hold his calls. She cocks her head to one side, as if to say, “Duh.” I love her yellow dress.

“Connie” sits at Don’s desk. When you’re as rich as Conrad Hilton, you can do whatever you want! And you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to be as rich as Connie. “Nine-thirty?” Connie says, when Don comments that seeing Connie is a nice way to start the day. “It’s practically lunch.”

Connie has come to discuss a personal matter with Don, and Don sits down across from Connie, who remains in Don’s chair. “I don’t know what I’m more disturbed by,” Connie says. “The fact that you don’t have a Bible, or that there’s not a single family photo.” “I’m easily distracted,” Don replies, lighting a cigarette.

“You should have those things,” Connie insists. “They’ll make you feel better about what you do.” Connie is very observant, but he doesn’t know Don.

Connie: Start showing up on time.

Don: Maybe I’m late because I was spending time with my family, reading the Bible.

ZING!

Connie: Are you nervous, Don? I’m finding you hard to talk to.

Don: Well you caught me by surprise, Connie. I think you know that.

Connie laughs, and it kind of creeps me out. And then this creeps me out further.

Connie: You’re a married man so you’ll have to use your imagination, but uh, I have this… involvement. I can’t say it’s perfect, and my needs are being met. But I have significant needs, Don. Catch my drift?

What does he need? Prostitutes? Male prostitutes? Higher thread-count sheets? Six-ply toilet paper?

Connie: So what do I do when my eye starts to wander?

Don: Don’t you have a coterie of trusted advisors, friends, kings that might counsel you better?

Ha. True story. Don is a zing factory around Connie. He is pumping out the zings, and Connie apparently likes it. He wants Don to handle the Waldorf Astoria, the New York Hilton, and the Stadler Hilton. “It’s just New York, but my eye has definitely started to wander.” So… what is his eye wandering at? Don? Coded speak: Can get awkward.

As Connie leaves, he says, “Having me in your life is going to change things.” “I look forward to it,” Don replies. Connie says some more about young people, energy, and sharing dreams, and it feels oddly… romantic? Sexual? I think my Yom Kippur fast is making me a little bit giddy. (Maybe that’s not the right word.)

After Connie exits, the office claps for Don.

Betty sits in her new living room with some Ladies Who Lunch. “I cannot believe you just had a baby AND you redid your house,” one woman says. “Are you suicidal?” Oh, so it was a joke. In the Next Week On, they made that line seem serious. (NEVER TRUST PROMOS.) Betty is interested in replacing Francine as secretary of… Pleasantville? (They really refer to a “Pleasantville.” That’s not even snark.) Oh, the Junior League.

The ladies want to appeal to the governor about… something something water. Blah blah blah. “The Rockefellers own half the land here,” one woman says. Ooh, that’s interesting. (Also, Rockefeller is the governor.) “Real estate,” another lady says. “That’s scary.” Really? (Were female real estate agents common back then?)

Guess who knows someone in the governor’s office? Betty does! That guy from the party who hit on pregnant-Betty. Henry Francis. “I know who he is,” one woman says. “He used to be the Republican Party chair for Westchester County. I know him.” But she thinks they have a better chance if Betty calls. Because Betty is the prettiest. Duh.

“It’s not adorable to pretend like you’re not adorable,” says another lady.

There are only three ladies other than Betty, by the by. I just don’t know their names.

Don and the Fab Four are having a meeting about jai alai. Don wants to start in Miami.

Pete: Hoho wants it everywhere. He just bought land in Seattle. It’s an indoor city.

Okay, don’t tell me that “Hoho wants it everywhere” isn’t a little bit dirty.

But really, the guys want to know about Connie. All that Don will say is that he met Connie at a party. Don Draper, Man of Mystery. (As usual.)

Okay guys, sorry to poop out, but let’s speed this up.

Want to know the Drapers’ phone number? It’s Wilson 4, 8038. You don’t need to 555 it when the phone numbers of the period don’t exist anymore. I DARE you to prank call Wilson 4, 8038. Not gonna happen!

I don’t think we knew this before, but the Drapers live in Ossining, NY. It’s a town in Westchester County. (Thanks again, Wikipedia!)

And that’s as far as I got! But here’s a very quick recap of what else happened, off the top of my head…

Um, Betty had lunch with Henry Francis (and Bobby accidentally hung up on Henry when he called the house, which only cemented Betty’s hatred of her children), and he told her to buy an antique fainting couch, and she did. But it looked terrible in her living room! (They are totally going to have sex. They rain-checked a hike to some reservoir. Sex in the woods.)

Don got into an argument with… everybody, because he didn’t want to be tied down by a contract, and ended up driving drunk (and smashing the empty glass out his window) and taking pills while driving and getting grifted by some drifters on their way to Niagara Falls (supposedly, to get married so that the guy could avoid the Vietnam draft).

Don hallucinated that he saw his dad while he was in a motel room with the grifters, but for a moment I wondered whether he was seeing the real Don Draper. Until the hallucination started drinking moonshine. (He lifted it with one hand, and supported it with the crook of his other arm. It was weird, and specific.)

Archie Whitman, drinker-of-moonshine.

Archie Whitman, drinker-of-moonshine.

Also, Sally’s teacher hit on Don HARDCORE during an eclipse, and I think it was a turn-off for him, because he’s all about discretion. But we’ll see. And Don looked at the eclipse with his sunglasses on. No pinhole viewer thingy for Don! (He didn’t go blind, in case you were worried.) (Or has he been blind the whole time? METAPHORS.)

Eventually Don agreed to sign the contract and Cooper sat at Don’s desk (everybody’s sitting at Don’s desk this week!), but Don doesn’t want to deal with Sterling at all. Ooh, all because of Jane? Or because Sterling called the house and tried to get Betty to convince Don to sign the contract? Anyway, Don is not a fan of Sterling right now, probably because Sterling is the opposite of mysterious. Sterling’s transparent philandering makes all secret philanderers’ wives get suspicious! Or something like that.

Peggy and Pete get gifts from Duck. Pete gets cigars (ha, Freudian) and Peggy gets an Hermes scarf, which she LOVES. Pete wants her to give it back, and Peggy goes to a hotel to give it back to the Hermes people (because Duck’s new agency is too ugly to host clients there?), but ends up having sex with Duck.

I can't believe I had sex with a man named Duck. Let's do it again.

I can't believe I had sex with a man named Duck. Let's do it again.

Ha, she’s still wearing her watch? She’s a woman after my own heart. (I am very attached to my watch.) (Not literally) (Yet.)

I think Peggy did it (heh) because Don yelled at her (again), and told her that any full-grown man would love to have her job (sexist) when she tried to ask for a place on the Hilton account.

Oh yeah, Duck is apparently sober again (good for him), but he says, “I can taste the alcohol on your breath” when he kisses Peggy, which is so vampire of him. (Vampire Bill once said to Sookie, “I can smell the sunlight on your skin.”)

Basically, Peggy is totally lonely. Duck is the only person paying any attention to her right now. Sure he’s using her, but at least he’s making her feel special. (SOB.) Seriously, nobody even notices when she wears the same outfit to work the next day. (JOAN would have noticed.) (Where’s Joan?)

And that’s more or less what happened. And we went back to those maybe-flashback scenes several times. But they made more and more sense, as it went along and the mysteries became less mysterious.

xoxo…

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Half-Baked Recap: GLEE, Interrupted

September 30, 2009
Put your hands up!

Put your hands up!

You guys. It has been a full week since the last episode of “Glee” aired (“Preggers,” Air Date 9/23/09). I don’t know if I’ll ever finish the recap, at the rate I was going. So… here’s what I started. Just because… why not? I started it, I might as well publish what I have.

This week’s episode starts with Kurt, Tina, and Some Blonde Girl (Brit?) doing a fierce recreation of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” dance, as recorded by a static camera. And yet, we see black-and-white shots from all angles. Creative license!

Is it just me, or do the opening strains of that song kind of sound like dolphins or porpoises? Anyway…

I gotta say, it was a bold choice to structure this episode around “Single Ladies,” since this was probably shot several months ago. I bet the forces that Glee were pumped when the whole Kanye VMAs incident brought this song back into the spotlight. Kurt is re-creating “one of the the best videos of all time.”

“Yo Kurt, I’m gonna let you finish your dance, but Beyonce’s version of this dance was one of the best of all time!” -Kanye

Oh wait, Kurt doesn’t get to finish, because his dad comes in and turns off the music. And his dad is that guy from “Yes, Dear.” Mike O’Malley. He kind of looks like he could be Jimmy Kimmel’s brother, doesn’t he? Anyway, Kurt’s dad is wearing flannel, and says that he came home early to watch “Deadliest Catch.” But… I thought that Kurt’s dad would be ritzier. Wasn’t Kurt driving some expensive SUV last week?

Oh well, it’s Ohio. Maybe things are different there.

Kurt and the girls are practicing in… the basement? I don’t know, it’s a room with cinder block walls, and it’s painted all white, with a white couch. Weird.

Long story short, Kurt and the girls tell his dad that he’s the new kicker on the football team, to try to explain why he’s wearing a unitard. (It’s not just a unitard. There are also sequins.) Kurt’s dad played football “in JC, before I busted my knee, popping wheelies on my dirt bike.” Really? There is something incongruous about Kurt’s dad, here.

Kurt does this awkward laugh that kind of reminds me of that alien in GALAXY QUEST… but I can’t find the clip, so if you don’t know what I’m talking about… it’s a good movie, you should rent it.

Kurt’s dad asks if one of the girls is Kurt’s girlfriend. He yanks Tina toward him and says, “But I’m not ready to be exclusive yet.”

Now Kurt has to join the team, because his dad wants to go to the first game. OH NO.

Terry’s sister, Kendra, gives Will and Terry the “facts” about giving birth.

Kendra: Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies. It is bloody, and bestial, and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.

Jigga-WHAT?! Also…

Kendra: Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boy-howdy in five months.

Who talks like that? Is she Texan or something? Cowboy boots? Boy-howdy? Also: Terry is supposed to be four months pregnant. Good fact to remember.

Kendra wants to show Will how to rub the gas bubbles out of Terry’s stomach (“You’ll like it. Phil still does it to me. Feels great.”) Terry freaks out at the prospect of Will touching her stomach, and sends him out of the room. Kendra reassures her that all the gory labor talk was just to make Will feel guilty for the rest of his life. Ha.

Terry tells Kendra that she’s having a hysterical pregnancy, and the she hasn’t told Will the truth because, “He already has one foot out the door. This baby’s the only reason he’s still here.” She shows Kendra the pillow she’s been wearing on her stomach.

Okay, five second pause here. Terry has been wearing a pillow on her stomach day and night? And not once, during the night, or in the bathroom, or whatever, has Will seen a glimpse of this pillow, or touched Terry’s stomach? I find that very hard to believe. Unless they… whatever.

“What do you think he’s going to do when he finds out you lied?” Kendra asks. Terry gets a bit hysterical, which is… ha. Terry decides that she has to tell Will the truth, but Kendra stops her. “Dishonesty is food to a marriage. It will die without it.” Ugh, don’t take advice from Kendra. She’s nutty, and she says “boy-howdy.” “The solution is clear,” Kendra says. “We’re gonna have to get you a baby.” Uh oh. Cue kidnapping? What is this, Lifetime Movie Network?

Will walks into the faculty lunchroom, where his only option is to sit with Ken Tanaka and Emma. Awkward. This is the first of many scenes that gets really subjective with visuals and/or sound, and I appreciate that kind of experimentation on network TV.

Ken calls Emma “sweetie” in conversation, which is funny. He’s also surprisingly insightful about why she likes to watch the local news. “That’s because disasters freak you out yet fascinate you at the same time, sweetie. So you like the local news because this way you can experience them from the safety of your condo.”

Anyway, it turns out that Coach Sue has a new segment on the local news called “Sue’s Corner.” The segment that we see is all about caning.

Sue: You know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who’s safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition, and they’ll tell you one thing: Caning works. And I think it’s about time we did a little more of it right here.

Um, excuse me? She’s insane. Why did she even choose caning as a topic of discussion?

Sue: And to all those naysayers out there who say, “That’s illegal. You can’t strike children on their bare buttocks with a razor-sharp bamboo sticks.” Well to them I say, “Yes we CANE.”

Wait, “Yes we CANE”? Didn’t she just say that it’s illegal? So confused right now.

Just as Will is asking why Sue got a segment on the local news, Sue enters the faculty lounge and says that she’s got it because she’s a “local celebrity who’s been written up twice on the sports page of USA Today.” She makes Ken pull out her chair, because her “hand’s still sore from signing autographs at the Donut Hole this morning. Brought you some holes I couldn’t finish.” Ha.

Sue spouts out some lingo about how the “overnights were through the roof.” And she calls Emma “Alma.” How many more similar-but-not-correct names does she have up her sleeve?

Sue: You know, I wasn’t always in the spotlight. But I didn’t want to end up stuck at a lousy high school, [at Emma:] wrestling with mental illness. [at Ken:] Or forty and single, coaching the worst football team in the history of our state. [at Will:] Or having to go to the salon every week to have my hair permed.

Hahaha, what? If Will gets his hair permed every week, that is hilarious. But his hair looks great, so…

Sue: I didn’t want to have to do that to myself. So I sent out my resume, and I am so happy to tell you that I am bustin’ out of my box!

Bustin’ out of her box? Gross.

AND THAT’S IT! I had more to say about the rest of the episode, but I didn’t have time to blog. Perhaps someday I’ll come back and finish this, or at least give you a quick fill-in. But let’s be honest– most of the people who read the recaps, watch the show anyway. Life is weird that way.

Okay, fine. I’ll give you a really quick fill-in… but I can’t remember it very well.

Basically, Finn’s girlfriend (Quinn) is pregnant, even though she’s the president of the Abstinence Club and they’ve never had sex. She tells Finn that she got pregnant when he ejaculated in the hot tub (ha), but really it’s bad-boy Puck’s baby. Quinn and Puck had sex one day because Puck got Quinn drunk on wine coolers, and she felt fat. Great reasons.

Also, Puck’s real name is Noah? I think he’s Jewish? Okay.

And now Terri (yeah, I’ve been spelling it wrong– also Catherine on “Vampire Diaries” is Katherine… oops) is going to give Quinn vitamins, and later take the baby as her own. Even though… Terri is due in five months. And Quinn is probably due in… more than six months. Whoops!

In other news, Sandy the creepy ex-Glee teacher lives in a house of horrors and walks around in a very short kimono. Sue brings him back to the school (she blackmails Figgins with a crazy airline yoga video that he once starred in) and they cast Rachel in “Cabaret,” to lure her away from Glee. Rachel wants to sing a “West Side Story” song in some Glee number, but Will resolutely gives the solo to Tina. Because… life lessons in humility. Stuff like that. But Rachel isn’t big on humility.

I really want to go back and transcribe Sue’s dialogue, especially in Sandy’s house. It’s a hoot.

Whew. I feel better now. I’ve fulfilled my civic duty.

xoxo…

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Vampire Rule #42: Change Your Shirt. A Lot.

September 30, 2009
"When can I take my shirt off?"

"When can I take my shirt off?"

Hey, everybody. I have been so busy with work that I have barely had time to watch TV. It’s almost impossible to catch up, now that I’ve fallen behind. Especially since it’s pretty stupid to read (or write) a recap a week later. I’m trying to figure it all out. I never intended for this to be a recap-driven site, so look for more small bites in the future.

Such as this:

In re-watching the first three episodes of “The Vampire Diaries,” I noticed a very CW phenomenon. On multiple occasions, we enter a scene at the exact moment that Stefan is changing his shirt. Check it out at 00:50 in the following clip…

Totally gratuitous. (I’m not complaining, just pointing it out. Keep changing your shirt, Stefan.) (You know, just for hygiene, or whatever.)

But really– why do you need to change your shirt so often, Stefan? What’s your motivation? Because I don’t think you need to change your shirt at all. That’s what I think.

Then again, who am I to judge? Maybe Stefan wore a really nice shirt to school, and he doesn’t want to have to launder it after one wear. I guess Stefan doesn’t want to get his nice shirt all sweaty while he chills out at his desk, writing in his diary. (I definitely change out of my nice clothes the minute I get home, before I write in my diary and cry…) (Never mind!) (Just kidding!) :’(

Oh wait, do vampires sweat? I don’t think so! (Maybe I’m wrong. I’m still confused as to how Stefan apparently isn’t cold to the touch.) (Maybe Elena’s just really not-observant.)

Hmmm… maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. Maybe I should be asking, Why does Stefan need to wear a shirt at all, while he’s at home? He could get naked and write in his diary.

And then the show would be called “Naked Vampire Diaries.” And ratings would double. (And it would be… “True Blood.” But with higher ratings.)

You’re welcome, “Vampire Diaries.” Any time. And… I love you.

Should we start tallying Stefan’s shirt-changing moments? And does the make-out dream in Episode 103 count, where he removed his shirt? Even though he didn’t end up revealing his chesticles, and also ended up being Damon? So many questions, so little time.

xoxo…

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Snack of the Afternoon, 9/28/09: NOTHING

September 28, 2009

It’s Yom Kippur, so that’s that.

I’m enjoying delicious air.

xoxo…

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Friday Night Bites: VAMPIRE DIARIES Episode 103 Recap

September 26, 2009
Elena and Damon. Faces to know.

Elena and Damon. Faces to know.

“Friday Night Bites,” Episode 103. Air Date 9/25/09

With a title like “Friday Night Bites,” why should I bother making up something else? Good title. Binge-approved.

Please direct your attention to the man in the photo at the top of this post. That’s Damon (as in Demon, Damien, etc), the “evil” vampire brother (with a heart of gold… or not). Thing is, Damon is also the wittiest guy in town. And, obviously, handsome.

Imagine that you wake up in the morning, a little bit discombobulated, with a hot, shirtless Damon sleeping next to you. You know that he seduced you last night, and that you had hot, steamy sex. But then… he bit you!? Your neck is all bloody. He’s probably a vampire or something.

What would you do, if you woke up with a sexy probably-vampire in your bed? (I know what I would do.)

This is the question that blonde head-cheerleader Caroline faces in the opening scene of this episode. But she doesn’t take time to weigh the options. She just flips and quietly tries to escape.

Before I forget: Everyone pronounces “Caroline” differently. At the beginning, Bonnie pronounces it like “Carolyn,” but later the vamp brothers say “Caro-LINE.” Work it out! (Actually, that kind of feels realistic, in the sense that Caroline is a name that can go either way.)

Anyway, Caroline doesn’t escape, because when she looks back at the bed, Damon is gone. And then he’s RIGHT NEXT TO HER. Scary music! Caroline freaks and throws a lamp at Damon, among other breakables. “This could have gone a completely different way,” Damon sighs playfully.

Ugh, you guys. I totally feel for Damon right now. I mean, I know he’s supposed to be the bad guy or whatever, but… he wouldn’t have had to do what he’s about to do if Caroline had just said, “Hey, I realize that you’re a vampire. Thanks for letting me live. I think you’re cute. Let’s do this again sometime.”

But I always sympathize with the vampires. They’re tragic figures, in my opinion.

So Damon bites Caroline (again), and we’re supposed to think that he kills her this time? Maybe. But really, he glamours her (I don’t know what it’s called in this universe, but I’ll stick to the “True Blood” terminology until somebody corrects me) into forgetting about the biting. Much later in the episode, Damon drives Caroline to school in his cool old car. Because they are a couple now. For now. And Caroline starts wearing scarves, but she doesn’t know WHY.

After maybe-psychic Bonnie got a crazy vibe from Stefan last week, she warns Elena to be careful. Stefan walks up and scares Bonnie away. Nearby, football players Matt (Elena’s love-lorn ex) and Tyler (a general creep, and maybe a rapist? I need to re-watch the pilot), decide that it would be funny to nail Stefan with a football from really far away. Apparently they are very confident about their aiming abilities (ha), because if they miss they’ll break Elena’s face.

(On second viewing, Tyler throws the ball while Matt tries to stop him. Matt, you are absolved.)

But they don’t hit Elena, because Stefan catches the ball. Vampire senses sure can come in handy! Elena pesters Stefan to try out for the football team and stop being a “loner.” Finally, finally, Stefan is developing a personality. He felt kind of wooden in the first two episodes, but tonight he’s cracking a few jokes. Don’t let Damon have all the fun (lines)!

(On second viewing of episodes one and two, Stefan wasn’t as wooden as I remembered. Stefan, you are absolved.)

Elena and Stefan have history with a totally dick teacher. In the past two episodes he has been a dick to… everyone. He even told Elena’s aunt that she was doing a terrible job as a caregiver. That’s crossing a line.

In the pilot, Stefan corrected the history teacher because… he has lived for a long time. He knows his shit. Tonight Mr. Dick (not his real character name, but whatever) is quizzing the students about WWII-related dates. I think that everybody ought to know when the bombing of Pearl Harbor happened, but Elena doesn’t, so Stefan answers for her: December 7th, 1941.

Dear students of the imaginary “Vampire Diaries” high school: You are dumb.

For some reason the history teacher is astonished that Stefan had the answer, and Stefan says, “I’m good with dates, Sir.” (That’s kind of a double entendre. Stefan should have leaned over and winked at Elena. “Get it? I’m great at going on dates. The best. Wanna go out sometime?”)

So Mr. (Small) Dick and Stefan have a date-off, where Mr. Dick says an event and Stefan has to say when it happened. But… none of the events are particularly obscure. Brown v. The Board of Education. The Kennedy Assassination. MLK’s Assassination. I mean, come on, kids. Learn some history. At any rate, Mr. Dick is shocked and impressed, and finally Stefan outsmarts him by knowing when the Korean War ended.

My favorite part of the scene is that when Mr. Dick and Stefan disagree on when the Korean war ended and Mr. Dick shouts, “Look it up!” at the class, the first guy to say that Stefan is right is looking at his phone. History books are for old people. Hip teens use the Wikipedia on their Blackberries. It’s faster! (And the Korean War ended in 1953, not 1952.)

And guess what? Maybe Mr. Dick is kind of bad at history because he’s also Coach Dick. He coaches the football team. And the football team sucks. Ugh, Coach Dick has a shitty life. (Wow, sucks… dick… shitty? This is getting out of hand.)

Stefan goes to Coach Dick and asks to try out for the team… presumably to impress Elena. Earlier in the episode, Stefan told Elena that he loves football, and that he played a long time ago. Now he tells Coach Dick that he used to play wide receiver. But… the very first words we heard of this episode were Stefan saying, “For over a century, I lived in secret…”

So, he lived in secret and played football? Because American football started in the late 1800s, which gives Stefan a pretty narrow window to have played before he went into hiding. Just sayin’.

But yeah, Stefan used to play football. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

Olde-timey football nerds.

Olde-timey football nerds.

Coach Dick lets Stefan try out because he wants to see Tyler and Matt kick the shit out of Stefan. I don’t call him Coach Dick for nothin’. Apparently, Stefan does a great job at tryouts? I can’t really tell which player he is, because of the helmets. He’s wearing black gloves, presumably to protect his magical Day-Walking Ring?

Toward the end of practice, Tyler and Matt ambush Stefan, and he lets them knock him over, because… to avoid suspicion of his super-human vampire abilities. He breaks his finger, but it heals super-fast. Foreshadowing! (At first when he took off his glove, I thought that his ring had fallen off. That would have been a much bigger UH OH. Like, a turning-to-dust UH OH.)

And Elena is watching this whole tryout because she sucks at cheerleading now (she didn’t go to summer cheer camp, because… dead parents), so Caroline told her to fall out of formation.

When Stefan gets home, he finds Damon reading his diary. “Very Emerson, the way you reveal your soul.” Damon teases Stefan. “So many… adjectives.” Ha! Also: Do vampires have souls, in the world of “Vampire Diaries”? I mean, I think that pretty much everything has a soul, even vampires who say that they don’t have souls. In fact, the more they protest, the more likely they are to secretly be big softies.

Anyway, Stefan and Damon fight a lot. And Damon is always zinging Stefan with witty zingers. You got told, Stefan!

Elena decided that the best way to make Bonnie like Stefan is to invite both of them over for dinner. Conveniently, Aunt Whatever-Her-Name-Is isn’t home. (Maybe Mr. Harsh Dick was right about her parenting skills?) And in the previous scene, that human guy who lives with Stefan was absent. (Does Damon live there, too? I don’t know. I think he just skulks around at night.)

So Elena and Bonnie dump tins of greasy order-out Italian food into a salad bowl. Yum? Bonnie freaks herself out by psychically knowing where everything is located in Elena’s kitchen. But they’re best friends, so… it’s not that freaky. She says, “Birthday candles,” and then opens the drawer that contains the birthday candles. GASP! The power of Bonnie compels you.

Also, Bonnie keeps thinking of the numbers 8, 14, and 22, and drawing them everywhere, A BEAUTIFUL MIND-style.

Stefan sits not-eating a plate of food, and nobody calls him on his not-eating. I feel like somebody was supposed to say, “What’s the matter? Aren’t you hungry?” Since Elena needs to sleuth out that Stefan’s a vampire, eventually. But… maybe my thinking is cliche. Maybe I need to get with the program. It’s 2009, and if a guy isn’t eating his food… duh, nobody eats anymore. Manorexia.

Just kidding. Eat up, non-vampires.

Elena tries to break the awkwardness by telling Stefan about Bonnie’s lineage of witches, or whatever. Stefan talks about some Celtic Druids who used to live in this town (whatever their town is called), but those aren’t Bonnie’s peeps. Bonnie’s family came through Salem. You know, Salem witches. How did they stay alive, if they were Salem witches? I guess they didn’t get caught.

Okay, here is a fact but don’t hate on me: Bonnie is African American. Remember Tituba from “The Crucible?” You know, Tituba from Barbados? She didn’t get executed during the Salem witches trials, apparently. And she had at least one descendant. So… The More You Know. (Cue shooting star.)

I’m not saying that her great-grand-witches couldn’t be white. I’m just saying… Tituba! How often do you get to say that? (Or Lake Titicaca!)

Anyway, Bonnie’s kind of embarrassed when Elena tells Stefan about her witchy family. Or maybe she’s just irritated that Elena would tell scary-Stefan any somewhat-secret facts about her family. Either way, Stefan is intrigued. “Salem witches are heroic examples of individualism and non-conformity,” he says. Sort of. I feel like they’re also an example of… McCarthyism? Oh wait, I’m back on “The Crucible.”

The thing is, the women who were accused of being witches weren’t individualists so much as they were… falsely accused, and unable to defend themselves within a shoddy Puritan court system. But Bonnie likes Stefan’s spin, so now they’re friends? Sort of.

Guess who’s coming to dinner? It’s Damon and be-scarfed Caroline. Stefan tries to stop Elena from inviting Damon into the house (vampire rules!), but she doesn’t know the vampire rules and/or that Damon and Stefan are vampires, so she’s like, “Whatever, come on in.” OOPS.

The couples and odd-man-out Bonnie sit in the living room chitty-chatting. “Stefan and I have watched almost every single person we’ve ever cared about die,” Damon says. See? Vampires are the tragic-est. He accidentally-on-purpose brings up Stefan’s “ex,” long-dead (and looks-just-like-Elena) Catherine. OOPS.

Damon helps Elena load the dishwasher. (Dishwasher-loading? Deaths in the family? This is so RACHEL GETTING MARRIED, minus the multi-cultural wedding and Mather Zickel.) (I just like saying Mather Zickel. What a cool name!) (Also, Damon fairly expertly works that dishwasher. Vampires: They do dishes? Just like us!) (What are they using dishes for?)

Anyway, Damon tells Elena that she should quit cheerleading. Who needs it, anyhow? He saw her at practice, and she was obviously miserable. Aw, sensitive. See? Damon GETS Elena. (As in, understands. For now.) He’s not so bad. (But he IS so bad.) (Yum.)

Damon tells Elena that Catherine died in a fire, and based on… the powers of deduction, I guess… Elena asks which brother dated Catherine first. And she’s right, they both dated Catherine. Oooh, everybody’s psychic around here. Damon and Elena actually have a nice conversation, and she tells Damon that she’s sorry for his loss, because he obviously loved Catherine, too. Elena GETS Damon. Uh oh, love triangle! But not, because Elena doesn’t LIKE Damon, she just GETS him.

Based on the various pronunciations of “Caroline,” I decided to embark upon a quick IMDB-aided survey of who on this show is actually American. Because vampires these days are all imported from elsewhere and forced to learn regional American accents. (I’m looking at you, Vampire Bill from “True Blood” and Mick from “Moonlight.”) (I’m looking at you, adoringly.)

Turns out, Paul Wesley (Stefan) is from New Jersey, and Ian Somerhalder (Damon) is from Louisiana. Well, look at that. God Bless America. (Land that I love.) (Because we are still producing hot vampire-actors.) And don’t you worry, haters of America. There’s something for everybody on this show: Katerina Gordon (Bonnie) and Nina Dobrev (Elena) are from Switzerland and Bulgaria/Canada, respectively.

Damon is totally glamouring Caroline into being with him so that he can feed on her whenevs. Stefan is mad: Humans are not meat puppets, Damon! But as long as Damon’s feeding on Caroline and not killing anybody else… works for me. Works for Vampire Bill and Sookie on “True Blood.” But… totally different situation. For one thing, she’s knows he’s a vampire. And for two things, she’s a willing participant.

Stefan asks Damon to leave, and Damon’s happy to oblige. But… “I’ve been invited in. And I’ll come back tomorrow night, and the following night, and I’ll do with your little cheerleader whatever I want to do. Because that is what is NORMAL to me.” Ooh, Damon. That was a good speech. I really like whole “normal to me” part. Deep. Throughout the show, we’ve seen that Damon is super-annoyed that Stefan is trying to fight his vampire impulses and act like a human. Just be a normal vampire, Stefan! If you want to, I guess.

Or don’t, because it’s fun to watch you fight with Damon and lose. (Stefan is weak because he drinks cat blood or something.)

Another thing I love about Damon is that he knows what the cool kids do. At some point during this episode he says “BTW: That means by the way…” If he were as cool as me, he would have said, “BTDubs.” But that’s okay. Being not as cool as me is what’s NORMAL to Damon. (Not really. He’s way cool.)

Okay, here comes the hot part that seemed like it might be sex in the preview. Stefan and Elena are sitting on her bed, debriefing about the night. Stefan’s still pissed that Damon was there. Elena says something, and Stefan does the “Shhh” finger to Elena’s lips. Usually, that’s a hilarious move. Cole and I do this to each other all the time at work, and it cracks us up. “Shhh. No words.”

But Stefan just sort of brushes his finger against Elena’s bottom lip, and then he leans in and they start making out. I approve.

Time out for a few words from our sponsor (me). Okay, so we know that Stefan has this magic ring. Good times. And we know that Elena and Stefan made out at the end of last week’s episode. Is the ring making him feel warm to Elena? Because… isn’t it kind of a vampire trademark that they feel noticeably cold to the touch? Like wouldn’t Elena say, “You’re so cold?”

Maybe I’m just up to my neck in cliches, and it’s 2009 and we’re all past that. Maybe she didn’t notice because they were outside on a cold autumn night. (And this makeout turns out to be a dream, so it’s whatevers-ville in that regard.)

Okay, back to the hot makeout dream. There are a couple of reasons why I love this dream. A) When Stefan moves toward Elena in a wide shot, we see that his shirt is tucked in and he’s wearing a belt. Now, I’m not always a fan of that look, but it’s so proper, and looks SO GOOD on Stefan. B) When Stefan lies down on the bed (Elena on top, rawr), he has a stuffed animal under his head, and he pulls it out from under him and throws it on the floor.

Now, this is television, so you know that, in all likelihood, someone planned that stuffed animal stunt. Some propmaster picked the perfect stuffed animal, and made sure that it was there. Really nice touch, “Vampire Diaries.” No joke. That was one of the real-est things I’ve seen on TV in a while. And it’s some sort of law of physics that a stuffed animal will always get in the way while you’re trying to have a sexy makeout.

So Elena takes off her shirt (with her arms crossed, which is TV & Film’s Official Sexy Way to Remove a Shirt), and helps Stefan take off his shirt. But when his shirt crosses his face, Stefan turns into Damon. Elena SCREAAMS and jumps back off the bed. And then she wakes up sweating and gasping, and a mysterious crow is on her windowsill. (Hey, Damon.)

So… no sex for Elena and Stefan this week. But I’m not going to gripe, because… they’re in high school. They have time.

But really, Elena? Was the dream that scary? Come on. You can make out with the wrong brother in a dream. No guilt, no big.

You know what IS freaky, though? Ian Somerhalder (Damon) looks disconcertingly like Rob Lowe. Sometimes I think he IS Rob Lowe. Just a flash, and then it’s over. But still… whoa. SCREAAM!!!

Stefan and Elena meet up before the football game, and he notes that she’s not in uniform. She quit the cheer squad. Scandal! But Stefan understands. “You’re not a quitter,” he says. “You suffered a great loss. You’re not the same person.” Aw, he GETS her. I bet that throughout the course of this series, Elena is going to be torn between Stefan and Damon. (I am joking around, because every single description I read about this show says that Elena is “torn between two vampire brothers.” Thanks for the spoilers, America.)

Then he says, “You should be looking ahead. You should be starting over.” Don’t tell Elena what to do!

Elena: We’re a pair. I quit, you start.

Stefan: We’re a work in progress. We’ll figure it out.

I think I’d be attracted to my high school’s vampire, too. He’s more mature than your average guy. And full of vaguely assumptive pseudo-wisdom about their relationship.

Stefan gives Elena a necklace, which he has had “forever” (literally!) and never wanted to give to anyone else before. At least he acknowledges the potential weirdness of this gift, given that they have been dating for… two episodes. A few days? Luckily Elena accepts the necklace, because it contains a Very Special Magical Herb.

Gift of the Vamp-Guy.

Gift of the Vamp-Guy.

Thoughts: Stefan’s jersey is unrealistically form-fitting. Oh, television. (Also see: The scrubs they wear on “Grey’s Anatomy.”) But more importantly: Where are Stefan and Damon getting their magic from? A Wizard? Let’s tally it up: They both have magical Day-Walking (and maybe making them feel warm to the touch?) rings, and now there’s a magical Protection Necklace. (Always use protection.) Do all vampires have access to this much magic? Are we going to get some answers about this?

After Stefan gives Elena the necklace, they share a quick kiss. Still, no “your lips are so cold.” Hmmm. I need answers! It bugs me when vampires are not vampire-y enough. (Vampires: Just like us!)

Okay, football times are here again. Pre-game, the school has a rally with a giant bonfire, which… really? At a high school? Whatever. Coach Dick announces that Stefan is going to lead the team to victory. Way to make his teammates hate him that much more, Dick.

But then… okay, C-story time. Elena’s druggie little brother (Jeremy) is in love with Matt’s slutty little sister (Vicki). (You know, Matt: Elena’s ex, Matt.) They like to do drugs together and have sex and listen to emo music. But Vicki is embarrassed to be seen with Jeremy, who is a freshman. So… she dates Tyler, who is maybe a rapist? I really have to watch the pilot. Anyway, Tyler and Jeremy finally have a much-threatened fight, and Matt and Stefan run over to stop it. Stop it, kids!

Jeremy accidentally slashes Stefan’s hand with a bottle, and Elena sees it. Yu-uck. But when the fight ends and she runs over to him, he doesn’t want to show it to her. When she finally pries open his hand, it’s fine. He tells Elena that the residual blood must belong to somebody else. But… she doesn’t buy it.

Hmm, almost over. Oh yeah, Elena, now a bit freaked, asks Bonnie what she saw that made her afraid of Stefan to begin with. Now that Bonnie and Stefan are friends, she’s reluctant to share, but she finally reveals that when she handed Elena’s phone number to Stefan, she felt… Death.

I see dead people.

I see dead people.

I like Bonnie’s green eyes. I never noticed THAT before. Thanks, stills-from-the-CW.

Now Matt and Stefan are buds, because Matt’s like, Thanks for helping me stop that fight. Siblings do the darndest things!

In the parking lot, Damon sneaks up on Elena and apologizes for making her uncomfortable. She’s like, Um, you’re trying to make me feel uncomfortable. Damon tries to glamour Elena into kissing him, but thanks to the Magic Herb (TM) in the necklace she… does she slap him in the face? Maybe. I forget. But yeah… how Sookie of her.

Oh yeah, another theme of this episode is that Stefan wants to try to find Damon’s humanity. But Damon reads Stefan’s diary or whatever, so just to be a dick, he attacks (and kills, maybe?) Coach Dick. Just to prove that he can attack anyone! Mwahaha.

As the ambulance shows up (and animal control, because they think it was an animal attack), Bonnie sees the number 8, 14, and 22. Like… it happened next to parking space 22. Stuff like that. She’s very ZOMG! about it, but seriously… it wasn’t very helpful psychic info, if it only became vaguely significant in retrospect.

Elena’s freaked about the attack, and Stefan holds her in a long and comforting hug. Take note, boys: Hugs are important. I could have used that hug, like, 53 different times this week.

After all of his threats about what he’s going to do with Elena now that he has access to her house, Damon… stands over her while she sleeps, and touches her hair. That big softie!

And Caroline somehow got away with wearing this scarf with her cheerleading uniform, which would never fly.

I don't know why I'm wearing this scarf, but I MUST.

I don't know why I'm wearing this scarf, but I MUST.

I mean, she’s head cheerleader, but still. I have two cheerleader sisters. I know that uniformity is important. EVERYONE wears a scarf, or NOBODY wears one. (PS: Congrats to Nicole on making Homecoming court. Very soon I will be experiencing a real-life high school football game. Sadly, vampire-free.) (As far as I know.)

And how coincidental is it that the school colors are red and black? Vampire colors! (It is NOT coincidental.)

But back to Damon: I realized that the thing that makes “Twilight” an inferior vampire story is that the good vampires are always good, and the bad ones are always bad. Edward talks about what a scary guy he is, but he never does anything scary. So far Stefan is… good, and doesn’t even talk about his scary-ness. BUT Damon makes up for it with his mix of fun and frightening. And the “True Blood” vampires are all over the place: Eric winks at kids, but also… you know, lots of scary stuff. Ripping people apart.

The more surprising a vampire is, the more enjoyable.

I must have forgotten something that I wanted to say, but I ended up doing a lot more recapping than I expected (based on memory). So… we’ll talk more about this later, I’m sure.

xoxo…

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GLEE + Justin Timberlake = Good Idea

September 25, 2009

On the way to work this morning, I popped in an old mix CD and found myself rocking out to Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back.” Then I started thinking about his recent acting success (he’s won two Emmys, for SNL-related work). Suddenly, I was hit by a bolt of lightning. (Not really.)

Justin Timberlake needs to be on “Glee.” He would be perfect as Will’s brother. And they could sing together. Swoon!

Check it out. Here’s Will (Matthew Morrison):

Hey everybody.

Hey everybody.

Here’s Justin Timberlake:

Hello, nice to see you again.

Hello, nice to see you again.

Anybody else see the resemblance? (And it’s not just the clothes.)

I bet that Justin would be totally game to do this. Somebody’s people call somebody else’s people! Let’s make this happen.

xoxo…

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GLEE is Good (and So Are Vampires)

September 25, 2009
My thoughts exactly.

My thoughts exactly.

FYI, I DID watch “Glee” this week. I started a dynamite recap (if I do say so myself), and I’m not exactly sure when I’m going to finish it… but it’s in the works.

Last night all I watched before I crawled into bed was “Vampire Diaries.” I wasn’t really planning on recapping it, but… vampires! I’m addicted, and I think “Vampire Diaries” is getting better every week. I fully plan on posting a small-to-medium sized recap today. Unless… you know… work stuff.

I’m going to do a major TV catch-up session when I get back from temple on Yom Kippur, during those “I’m getting increasingly hungry and need to distract myself” hours of the day. Is that sacrilegious? Why is “religious” spelled one way, and “sacrilegious” spelled the opposite way? I don’t know!

xoxo…

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Snack of the Afternoon: ADAM’S PUMPKIN WHOOPIE PIES, RANDY’S DONUTS

September 24, 2009
Whoopie!

Whoopie!

First of all, I’m dealing with some gourmet interns over here.

This morning, Intern Adam came around handing out pumpkin “whoopie pies.” I had never heard of such a thing, and really wanted him to fill me in on the history of the whoopie pie (in particular, the strange and delightful name). All I could get out of him was that usually whoopie pies are filled with marshmallow, but his were filled with frosting, because he doesn’t like marshmallow.

As usual, Wikipedia gave me the scoop on whoopie pies.

While I’m mentioning Adam’s baking skills, I need to give a shout-out to Intern Marika, who baked us some tasty (and tiny) little spice cupcakes last week.

Bite-size yum-ness.

Bite-size yum-ness.

Back to today. This afternoon, someone came back from a scout at Randy’s Donuts with a plethora of loot.

I’m not a major doughnut enthusiast, but I figured that I needed to try a few nibbles and figure out if I was more of a “nice” or “bad” person.

Tough choices.

Tough choices.

As you can see, we had an embarrassment of riches today. Tomorrow: Carrots.

xoxo…

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So Excited for Tonight’s VAMPIRE DIARIES

September 24, 2009

Judging from the previews for Episode 103, “Friday Night Bites,” things are going to get cray-zay tonight.

Are Elena and Stefan going to have sex? Is she going to find out that he’s a vampire? SCREAMMM!!!

And hey, I embedded a video! I am cool.

xoxo…

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Snack of the Afternoon, 9/23/09: SARA’S SMOOTHIE

September 23, 2009
Purple!

Purple! (It turned gray right after this... eek.)

I’ve been a little bit negligent with the Snack of the Afternoon, mostly because I already cataloged all of the snacks that are available around here. But… here it is, for those of you who have been hankering for a Snack with me.

One of our interns, the amazing Sara, is in the habit of making smoothies every afternoon that she works for us. Usually I decline to partake because the ingredients can be… a bit odd, since pretty much anything at hand goes into the blender. But today I accepted the challenge, and enjoyed a delightful cup of smoothie.

Not only was it tasty, but also it was purple! It almost matched my nail polish.

In case you’d like to recreate this treat in your own home (be careful with the blender!), the ingredients were blueberries, bananas (pronounced ba-nah-nah, because Sara is Welsh), lowfat milk, orange juice (?), and apple. I have no idea what the proportions were.

Oh, and I also ate a papa rellena today (one of the most amazing foods ever invented), but I didn’t take a picture. Ah well. Next time!

xoxo…

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