Luke and Malissa, in her "boobalicious" elimination dress of choice.
“More to Love” Episode 6, Air date 9/1/09
I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more Alexander Skarsgard. But this is a “More to Love” recap, so we’re going to talk about Luke Conley. And there’s only one more episode of “True Blood” left, and it’s not on for another ten days. This is a cruel, cruel world we live in.
After all the “previously on” blah blah blah, we start off the episode with an exterior of the house, watching Luke shave, etc. The song that’s playing over this is either “Save Tonight” by Eagle-Eye Cherry, or a total ripoff. I think it’s a fake because we never hear the words… and because reality TV is cheap like that.
This week Luke is going on a solo date with each girl, with a surprise twist: He’s meeting their families. Now, if I were one of the few girls who had never had a solo date with Luke, that is the LAST thing I’d want. Getting cock-blocked by my parents? When I’m supposed to be on a romantic date? UGH.
Tali gets the first solo date. Her handwritten-note-attached-to-a-giant-ring references “a race to the finish line.” I’m thinking that they’re going to see some horse racing, maybe at Los Alamitos… but they end up going go-kart racing. Okay. I am starting to think that my idea of a fun date is… well, first of all, it doesn’t involve Luke.
Tali interviews that she likes bigger guys who can “contain her body.” I know what she means, but the phrasing skeeves me out. You know what else I find weird? He’s going to propose to one of these girls, and he hasn’t even been on a proper date with most of them. UGH.
Okay, so Luke and Tali race go-karts, and she gets kind of competitive about it… whatever. Go-karts. Tali interviews, “Luke showed me how to let loose.” Really? REALLY? A few tepid dates with a big guy, and now for the first time in your life you’ve learned how to let loose? Sure. These girls keep talking about what Luke has taught them. It’s as if he’s their spiritual guru, instead of some horny guy with cheesy pick-up lines.
Tali’s surprise family ambush is comprised of her Israeli aunt and American uncle (Leo), presumably because her parents are in Israel. They bring out some lunch, and Tali interviews that she didn’t notice them at first because she was so focused on the food. Oh, “More to Love.” These girls love food SO MUCH, don’t they?
At lunch, Leo expresses his concern that Tali’s family might not accept Luke. Off Luke’s DRAMATIC FACE…
Back at the Manse, Mandy’s at-bat for the next solo date. “Here’s to a CALM night,” Luke’s note reads. Malissa interviews that Mandy might be “too hyperactive for Luke.” Funny, they haven’t really shown us that side of her, until now.
Leo sits down with Luke (on the race track?) and tells him that Tal’s grandparents are Orthodox, and… give up now, Luke. Tal interviews that the re: the cultural differences, “It is what it is, take it or leave it. I want him to take it, and I have a feeling he’s gonna leave it.”
Anna and Malissa watch Mandy primp for her date. Malissa tries to talk to Mandy about Luke, and Mandy gets all kinds of upset about it. “Have you thought about which levels you guys connect on?” Malissa asks, sounding very much like an eHarmony commercial. Mandy starts crying and runs out of the room, and Malissa laughs. I would probably laugh, too. It’s awkward.
And I’m starting to think that Mandy is CRAZY.
Right about now, Rachel and I decide that Mandy’s going to initiate the flower-bashing fight… unless they showed it in promos but cut it from the episodes. In that case, it was totally Kristian.
Okay, the “CALM” date is a Tiki-boat restaurant thing, with leis. After all of Mandy’s talk about FINALLY getting a solo date, she is surprisingly happy to see her parents the minute they step on the boat. “I missed them so much,” she interviews. For the rest of the episode, in response to almost everything the girls say, Roomie and I scream, “How long have you even BEEN there?” at the screen.
According to the oft-referenced LA Times article, it was only DAY 16. So, he’s picking his future wife based on sporadic, rarely-solo dates within… three weeks total? PERFECT. This is why these shows are always success stories. (NOT.)
Mandy’s dad is (or was, if he’s retired) a PE teacher. And Mandy’s a personal trainer. Cute. And Luke’s dad is a butcher… and Luke loves beefy girls! (Sorry, girls. Cheap joke.) Like father, like child.
Mandy’s dad says that he works out every day, because he likes to eat. Luke says, “If I stopped working out, I’d get pretty big.” Heh.
At the Manse, Anna interviews that Mandy is “all over the place,” emotionally.
Thought: I’m guessing that the girls are sworn to secrecy about the family twist? Or else it wouldn’t be much of a surprise, for anybody other than Tali.
Luke tells Mandy’s parents that he loves Mandy’s confidence, and Mandy’s mom cautions Luke that despite Mandy’s apparent confidence, she’s a sensitive girl. She actually goes so far as to call Mandy “crazy.” Way to go, Mandy’s mom! (This is why parents on dates= UGH. One of the many reasons.) (But Luke should listen to Mandy’s mom!)
Furthermore, Mandy’s mom thinks that Mandy’s not ready to get married. “You need years to get to know that person,” Mandy’s mom counsels. “Have fun together.” I think Mandy’s parents are my favorite family members of the night. They’re a sweet couple. Although they’re totally sabotaging they’re daughter. But… whatever.
Commercial break. There are tons of commercials for meat tonight. That’s the target audience: meat lovers. Maybe this is a shout-out to Luke’s dad, the butcher.
Okay, time for Anna’s date. The note says, “You strike me as a girl that likes to have fun.” Are they going to engage in combat? (Spoiler alert: No. It’s bowling.)
Anna interviews that she’s always been a tomboy. In school, she focused more on sports than dating. Now that she’s a model, people are surprised at how well she cleans up. She also hopes that the date is romantic. Bowling and parents? Yeah, super romantic.
I’m not sure how I feel about Anna’s choice of shirt. It just looks like a basic Gap long-sleeved shirt, but in the back it’s kind of naked at the bottom. It’s hard to describe, but I find it to be… an unflattering choice. (I wish Bonnie were still here. I liked her fashion choices.)
Anna and Luke roll up to Lucky Strike. She’s pumped that it’s bowling, because she’s a good bowler. Luke is one of those people who palms the ball and hurls it, and Anna interviews that Luke’s strength a turn-on. It actually kind of creeps me out (both Luke’s actions and her interview) because I imagine him hurling bowling balls at Anna (or me, eek), a la THERE WILL BE BLOOD.
Back at the Manse of Love and Tears, Malissa gets her summons: “I’ve gotten a little taste,” the note from Luke says. “I’m ready for more.” Are they going on a vampire date? (Admittedly, I have vampires on the brain.)
Anna ends up beating Luke at their bowling game, and Luke interviews that Anna was so cute that it ruined his focus. Uh oh, Anna. Luke’s the kind of guy who can’t deal with getting bested by a woman. Run! Then Luke interviews that Anna has no idea that she’s about to “meet” her family. MEET them? What is this, “The Locator“?
At first I’m surprised at how old Anna’s parents look, and then I hear that she’s an only child, and it makes sense. They probably had her when they were… maybe in their 40s, even. Or they just haven’t had a lot of surgery and Botox. (I’m from Southern California, give me a break.)
Luke interviews that he likes it when women have a career. “I want a wife who has her own mind and ambitions.” Do you, Luke? Do you REALLY? Anna’s dad points out that Anna has to travel for her modeling (his example is that she might have to go to London for a month). Despite having a great time on the date, Luke interviews that he feels like Anna’s career is going to consume her life for the next four or five years.
I’m sorry, Luke, HOW OLD ARE YOU? Twenty-six. Okay, so maybe you won’t get to be completely settled down until you’re thirty. OH GOD. THE HORROR. In a non-reality world, you usually date a girl for a few years before you marry her. So, if Anna is the one, the fact that she might have a vibrant career for the next four years should not be a deal breaker. So she goes to London for a month. You visit her, you Skype. Geesh.
Malissa stands in front of a mirror putting on makeup for her date, and Roomie rewinds it a few times so that we can watch Malissa makes her sexy-cat face for the mirror a few times. Rowr!
Luke greets Malissa, and he’s wearing a truly hideous camel-colored suede (maybe?) blazer. (Wardrobe!) Their date is at a restaurant called Goodfellas. Is he going to make her an offer she can’t refuse? (I know, wrong mafia movie.) Oh, so the “taste” thing is a wine tasting. Ho hum.
The sommelier (well, she’s probably not a real sommelier, she seems too casual) blindfolds Luke and Malissa so that they have a sensual wine experience, or some sort of bullshit. (I’d be kind of skeeved to get blindfolded at a mafia-themed restaurant. This is the part where the gunman comes back from the bathroom.)
Okay, so the blindfold’s really just a chance to sneak Malissa’s sisters into the restaurant. They sit down as Malissa’s wondering aloud how she’s supposed to blindly drink this red wine without accidentally spilling some of it on her white dress. Oops!
Probably the biggest surprise of the night is seeing Malissa’s sisters, Kat and Shannon. Kat is thin, has bleached-blonde hair, tattoos galore, highly plucked eyebrows, and a whole lotta attitude. I could imagine her getting into a crazy bar brawl, no problem. The other sister is more reserved, but has very dark hair and… I guess I would have assumed that Malissa’s sisters would look like her… sort of sorority-looking.
Malissa is the oldest sister, and Kat says that the sisters have been together through “lots of good times, bad times, sad times.” Also, Malissa’s mom died when Shannon (I think she’s the youngest… probably eighteen or twenty) was four years old. I’m no Dr. Drew, but I think that Malissa comes from what Drew would call a “chaotic” family.
Shannon and Kat tell Luke that Malissa gained most of her weight fairly recently? Kat asks Luke if he wants Malissa to be thinner, and he says no. Kat, do you know what show your sister is on? (Actually– if I were Luke, I’d be worrying about whether or not Malissa would leave me for a hotter guy, if she lost the weight.)
Luke tells Mal’s sisters that he wants to have kids and Mal gives them a little Look and whispers, “Me too.” Kat says that she can’t imagine Mal having kids, because Mal doesn’t even babysit for Kat’s four-year-old, even though they live ten minutes apart from each other. UH OH.
Luke interviews that he babysits for his niece and nephew all the time. What’s Malissa’s deal? In the restaurant, he tries to defend Malissa. Maybe she’s been too busy? (Malissa is a waitress.) Kat isn’t buying it. Malissa interviews that she doesn’t like to take care of OTHER peoples’ kids. I know that’s a thing, but Malissa’s sisters are acting like Malissa is not into kids AT ALL.
Luke asks Kat if he has to blessing to propose to Malissa. In a nutshell, Kat says, “I guess some people fall in love after one week. That’s not my life, but… Malissa can do what she wants.” Shrug.
Malissa interviews that she can’t wait to tell the other girls what Luke just asked her sisters. OH NO SHE DIDN’T!
I have decided that Malissa’s just one of those reality contestants who WANTS TO WIN. I’m sure she likes Luke, but I think she wants the victory more than the prize. And she wants to make the other girls squirm.
So Mal goes home and does the whole, “I don’t want to tell you guys, but I want to know if he said this to YOUR families” act, and she tells them that Luke asked her sisters how they’d feel if he proposed to her.
“Mandy’s head’s gonna start spinning!” Roomie says as Mandy exits the dormitory. Oh gosh, is there some sort of mandate that every girl has to do something EXORCIST-worthy? (Remember when Heather barfed?)
Mandy interviews, “It was like a bomb went off in the room.” Um… Dear Mandy, you are over-dramatic.
Oh, and they all sleep in the same room. How… sorority/dormitory/Madeline (but with shinier comforters). “We love our bread, we love our butter, but most of all, we love… Luke.”
Time for a more serious mixer (Luke’s sentiment, not mine). Malissa thinks that she and Anna will be the final two, she tells Anna. (In an interview she says, “But I’ll still win.” Haha.)
Luke has his little solo-talk with Anna first. He interviews that Anna “needs more time to develop into who she is.” He thinks that being an only child, Anna has “had an easy life,” and is “used to getting what she wants.” I think this is code for, Luke doesn’t think Anna will give up her career for him. Oh Anna, so selfish. (WHAT?)
Anna says, “You’re gonna pick me, right?” Luke just gives her an uncomfortable look. Uh oh!
Mandy interviews that uncertainty is overwhelming her, “like a white squall.” Give it a rest, Mandy. Dramatic much?
Oh, and this is priceless: Mandy says that her “worst fear” is that Luke has singled out Malissa, and likes her best. Oh God, your WORST FEAR? Really? My worst fear is like… the Big One (an 8.0-ish earthquake in the Los Angeles area, for those of you who didn’t grow up around here), or a terrorist attack. Even at the moment of being broken up with, I have never thought, My worst fear has come to pass! Mandy, you are officially ridiculous.
Mandy brings up the whole proposing-to-Malissa thing to Luke, and he says that he was just trying to gauge what Malissa’s sisters thought of him. (Kat was pretty scary, so it makes sense. I wouldn’t want her coming after me!) Luke always has a good save, in these situations.
After Mandy does the whole, “whew, I needed reassurance” thing, Luke interviews that maybe Mandy is too needy or clingy. Okay, after the locking-herself-in-the-bathroom date and Mandy’s mom’s “she’s crazy” warning… open your eyes, Luke!
Luke talks to Malissa about this whole baby issue. She gives him this whole story about how she’ll love her kids, but she’s not hugely into babies, etc etc. She’s telling him what she thinks he wants to hear, and Luke knows it. He interviews that he’s not sure she’s being honest.
“He’s a smoothie,” Roomie says, re: Luke. “He knows her game.” I have never heard anyone referred to as a smoothie before. But it’s fitting, I guess. Ha.
Elimination looms. (Also… looks like Malissa has scratch marks on her left cheek. Did she and Kat get into a cat fight (heh) in the bathroom of Goodfellas, or what?) (Side note: She’s really tan.)
Hey, a commercial for “So You Think You Can Dance.” Welcome to my fall. (And actually getting hits on this blog, again.)
Tal interviews, “If I don’t get the ring tonight, I’ll be sad…” The clip cuts off there, but I think she was going to say something like, “… but I’ll understand.” The aforementioned LA Times article mentions that Luke is a religious, Bible-reading kind of guy. I don’t see this working out well for them.
“She can do better,” Roomie reasons, re: Tali (although her aunt calls her the more Israeli-sounding variant: Tal). “She’s a fox!”
The following girls are in:
Malissa. (Duh.) She interviews about her “tactics” for the next round. (SEE? She’s just in it to win it!)
TALI! Shock of the week! (Sort of.)
And… Mandy.
Bad call, Luke! Roomie and I were just migrating over to Team Anna.
“He’s an idiot!” Roomie says. “Isn’t he?”
Luke interviews that Anna wasn’t ready for this, and that he feels more like a friend to her (yeah, right). He walks Anna out and she’s mature about the whole thing, telling him that she hopes he’s happy. Then she cries into his shoulder (aww), because Luke taught her how to be girly? She thinks he made a mistake. But you’re better off, Anna! Go to London, do some modeling, meet a Swede! (Give him my number!)
At this point, Roomie and I don’t know if Luke deserves any of these girls. “He doesn’t want a woman with a career,” Roomie fumes. “He’s a piece of shit.”
The girls get back to their room and find a giant-ring-note, which informs them that they are Hawaii-bound. Of course, they all freak out. Mal dances with the giant ring around her neck.
Mal is wearing a very revealing blue dress, and at this point Roomie says, “You need to go up to the next size, Malissa. Too boobalicious.” Boobalicious! I love you, Roomie. xoxo
Next week: They go to Hawaii. Tal looks great in a bathing suit. The final two will get to meet Luke’s family. Luke throws rocks into the water, his heart so full of indecision. He says, “Malissa has the greatest potential to break my heart.”
Roomie is really hoping that they go on “Fantasy Dates,” which I guess is “Bachelor”-lingo for “a date that ends in sleeping together.” (She is my in-house “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” expert.)
Okay, go off into the world and make good dating decisions this week. Basically, do the opposite of what’s happening on this show. Luke is trying to teach you! Just like he taught all of these girls… yeah.
Luke needs to mind his Ps and Qs, or his top three date could end up like this. Overweight hustlers! (Thanks for that, Thomas.)
Next week I’d BETTER see a flower-related beating… or I want my money back.
xoxo…
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