Put your hands up!
You guys. It has been a full week since the last episode of “Glee” aired (“Preggers,” Air Date 9/23/09). I don’t know if I’ll ever finish the recap, at the rate I was going. So… here’s what I started. Just because… why not? I started it, I might as well publish what I have.
This week’s episode starts with Kurt, Tina, and Some Blonde Girl (Brit?) doing a fierce recreation of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” dance, as recorded by a static camera. And yet, we see black-and-white shots from all angles. Creative license!
Is it just me, or do the opening strains of that song kind of sound like dolphins or porpoises? Anyway…
I gotta say, it was a bold choice to structure this episode around “Single Ladies,” since this was probably shot several months ago. I bet the forces that Glee were pumped when the whole Kanye VMAs incident brought this song back into the spotlight. Kurt is re-creating “one of the the best videos of all time.”
“Yo Kurt, I’m gonna let you finish your dance, but Beyonce’s version of this dance was one of the best of all time!” -Kanye
Oh wait, Kurt doesn’t get to finish, because his dad comes in and turns off the music. And his dad is that guy from “Yes, Dear.” Mike O’Malley. He kind of looks like he could be Jimmy Kimmel’s brother, doesn’t he? Anyway, Kurt’s dad is wearing flannel, and says that he came home early to watch “Deadliest Catch.” But… I thought that Kurt’s dad would be ritzier. Wasn’t Kurt driving some expensive SUV last week?
Oh well, it’s Ohio. Maybe things are different there.
Kurt and the girls are practicing in… the basement? I don’t know, it’s a room with cinder block walls, and it’s painted all white, with a white couch. Weird.
Long story short, Kurt and the girls tell his dad that he’s the new kicker on the football team, to try to explain why he’s wearing a unitard. (It’s not just a unitard. There are also sequins.) Kurt’s dad played football “in JC, before I busted my knee, popping wheelies on my dirt bike.” Really? There is something incongruous about Kurt’s dad, here.
Kurt does this awkward laugh that kind of reminds me of that alien in GALAXY QUEST… but I can’t find the clip, so if you don’t know what I’m talking about… it’s a good movie, you should rent it.
Kurt’s dad asks if one of the girls is Kurt’s girlfriend. He yanks Tina toward him and says, “But I’m not ready to be exclusive yet.”
Now Kurt has to join the team, because his dad wants to go to the first game. OH NO.
Terry’s sister, Kendra, gives Will and Terry the “facts” about giving birth.
Kendra: Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies. It is bloody, and bestial, and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.
Jigga-WHAT?! Also…
Kendra: Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boy-howdy in five months.
Who talks like that? Is she Texan or something? Cowboy boots? Boy-howdy? Also: Terry is supposed to be four months pregnant. Good fact to remember.
Kendra wants to show Will how to rub the gas bubbles out of Terry’s stomach (“You’ll like it. Phil still does it to me. Feels great.”) Terry freaks out at the prospect of Will touching her stomach, and sends him out of the room. Kendra reassures her that all the gory labor talk was just to make Will feel guilty for the rest of his life. Ha.
Terry tells Kendra that she’s having a hysterical pregnancy, and the she hasn’t told Will the truth because, “He already has one foot out the door. This baby’s the only reason he’s still here.” She shows Kendra the pillow she’s been wearing on her stomach.
Okay, five second pause here. Terry has been wearing a pillow on her stomach day and night? And not once, during the night, or in the bathroom, or whatever, has Will seen a glimpse of this pillow, or touched Terry’s stomach? I find that very hard to believe. Unless they… whatever.
“What do you think he’s going to do when he finds out you lied?” Kendra asks. Terry gets a bit hysterical, which is… ha. Terry decides that she has to tell Will the truth, but Kendra stops her. “Dishonesty is food to a marriage. It will die without it.” Ugh, don’t take advice from Kendra. She’s nutty, and she says “boy-howdy.” “The solution is clear,” Kendra says. “We’re gonna have to get you a baby.” Uh oh. Cue kidnapping? What is this, Lifetime Movie Network?
Will walks into the faculty lunchroom, where his only option is to sit with Ken Tanaka and Emma. Awkward. This is the first of many scenes that gets really subjective with visuals and/or sound, and I appreciate that kind of experimentation on network TV.
Ken calls Emma “sweetie” in conversation, which is funny. He’s also surprisingly insightful about why she likes to watch the local news. “That’s because disasters freak you out yet fascinate you at the same time, sweetie. So you like the local news because this way you can experience them from the safety of your condo.”
Anyway, it turns out that Coach Sue has a new segment on the local news called “Sue’s Corner.” The segment that we see is all about caning.
Sue: You know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who’s safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition, and they’ll tell you one thing: Caning works. And I think it’s about time we did a little more of it right here.
Um, excuse me? She’s insane. Why did she even choose caning as a topic of discussion?
Sue: And to all those naysayers out there who say, “That’s illegal. You can’t strike children on their bare buttocks with a razor-sharp bamboo sticks.” Well to them I say, “Yes we CANE.”
Wait, “Yes we CANE”? Didn’t she just say that it’s illegal? So confused right now.
Just as Will is asking why Sue got a segment on the local news, Sue enters the faculty lounge and says that she’s got it because she’s a “local celebrity who’s been written up twice on the sports page of USA Today.” She makes Ken pull out her chair, because her “hand’s still sore from signing autographs at the Donut Hole this morning. Brought you some holes I couldn’t finish.” Ha.
Sue spouts out some lingo about how the “overnights were through the roof.” And she calls Emma “Alma.” How many more similar-but-not-correct names does she have up her sleeve?
Sue: You know, I wasn’t always in the spotlight. But I didn’t want to end up stuck at a lousy high school, [at Emma:] wrestling with mental illness. [at Ken:] Or forty and single, coaching the worst football team in the history of our state. [at Will:] Or having to go to the salon every week to have my hair permed.
Hahaha, what? If Will gets his hair permed every week, that is hilarious. But his hair looks great, so…
Sue: I didn’t want to have to do that to myself. So I sent out my resume, and I am so happy to tell you that I am bustin’ out of my box!
Bustin’ out of her box? Gross.
AND THAT’S IT! I had more to say about the rest of the episode, but I didn’t have time to blog. Perhaps someday I’ll come back and finish this, or at least give you a quick fill-in. But let’s be honest– most of the people who read the recaps, watch the show anyway. Life is weird that way.
Okay, fine. I’ll give you a really quick fill-in… but I can’t remember it very well.
Basically, Finn’s girlfriend (Quinn) is pregnant, even though she’s the president of the Abstinence Club and they’ve never had sex. She tells Finn that she got pregnant when he ejaculated in the hot tub (ha), but really it’s bad-boy Puck’s baby. Quinn and Puck had sex one day because Puck got Quinn drunk on wine coolers, and she felt fat. Great reasons.
Also, Puck’s real name is Noah? I think he’s Jewish? Okay.
And now Terri (yeah, I’ve been spelling it wrong– also Catherine on “Vampire Diaries” is Katherine… oops) is going to give Quinn vitamins, and later take the baby as her own. Even though… Terri is due in five months. And Quinn is probably due in… more than six months. Whoops!
In other news, Sandy the creepy ex-Glee teacher lives in a house of horrors and walks around in a very short kimono. Sue brings him back to the school (she blackmails Figgins with a crazy airline yoga video that he once starred in) and they cast Rachel in “Cabaret,” to lure her away from Glee. Rachel wants to sing a “West Side Story” song in some Glee number, but Will resolutely gives the solo to Tina. Because… life lessons in humility. Stuff like that. But Rachel isn’t big on humility.
I really want to go back and transcribe Sue’s dialogue, especially in Sandy’s house. It’s a hoot.
Whew. I feel better now. I’ve fulfilled my civic duty.
xoxo…
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