See for Yourself: MODERN FAMlLY

September 23, 2009
Welcome to the family.

Married with children.

I don’t think I’m going to recap the “Modern Family” pilot (aka premiere), which airs tonight on ABC. I’ve already seen it three times. It’s really funny. You should watch it. (I don’t want to spoilerize you by saying much more than that.)

Tonight’s episode introduces one of my favorite new sayings. “WTF: Why the face?”

I have a feeling that if I try to do a brief recap, I’ll just end up transcribing the whole script… and that’s just silly. There are a lot of hilarious lines. Don’t be lazy and make me recap it for you. Watch it for yourself. Trust.

So… tune in, and let me know what your favorite lines are. Maybe I’ll watch it yet again, and weigh in with some of the highlights. Maybe. (There are so many shows to be watched tonight! Wednesday is the new Thursday, but Thursday is still Thursday, so… lots of TV.)

xoxo…

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My Life According to MAD MEN

September 22, 2009
Ah, Joan.

Ah, Joan.

I subverted this Facebook quiz that my friend Whitney tagged me in. I was supposed to use a band, but instead I used a TV show. Let’s see what happens!

These were the instructions:

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people you like and include me. You can’t use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It’s a lot harder than you think! Repost as “My life according to (band name).”

Pick Your Artist:
“Mad Men”

Are you a male or female:
Maidenform

Describe yourself:
The New Girl

How do you feel:
The Fog

Describe where you currently live:
Ladies Room

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Out of Town

Your favorite form of transportation:
Flight 1

Your best friend is:
Red in the Face

You and your best friends are:
The Jet Set [I wish!]

What’s the weather like:
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
The Wheel

What is life to you:
Meditations in an Emergency

Your fear:
Shoot

What is the best advice you have to give:
For Those Who Think Young

How I would like to die:
A Night To Remember

My soul’s present condition:
Long Weekend

My, but those questions were dramatic. Now I remember why these quizzes are stupid. But it was a fun reminder that “Mad Men” has cool titles!

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BORED TO DEATH Premiere: Indulging in White W(h)ine

September 22, 2009
Check out his sleuthing jacket.

Check out his sleuthing jacket.

Episode 101, “Stockholm Syndrome” Air Date 9/20/09

In case you’re wondering whether the title of this post is a dig or a burn, I really liked this show. “Too much white wine” is a line that the main character says to describe why his girlfriend left him, and if you change wine to “whine” (which I kept doing accidentally as I typed this up), it’s very appropriate. He’s very neurotic. Er, “noir-otic.” Heh.

First of all, the opening credits are really cool. The words on the pages of a book give way to moving pictures. It reminds me of a Kindle, if the words and pictures on a Kindle moved around. (If you’ve ever seen a Kindle, they have an Etch-a-Sketch appeal.) And later we’ll find out that Zach Galifianakis’ character is a comic book artist, so it all ties in.

Jason Schwartzman is playing Jonathan Ames, which is also the name of the guy who created this show, and wrote the book that this show is based on. Just so you know.

Jonathan’s girlfriend Suzanne (Olivia Thirlby) is moving out, and she takes the bed. But she leaves a framed picture of a tree, after she thinks about taking it. As soon as the moving truck is packed up, they kiss and he tries to talk her out of leaving. It’s too little, too late.

Suzanne: I told you months ago that if we were gonna make this work, you had to stop drinking and smoking pot, and you didn’t. That was our deal.

Ugh, I feel her pain. Guys: If a girl tells you what the deal breaker is, and then later breaks up with you over it… don’t act so shocked. You were warned!

Jonathan follows Suzanne to the truck, where she climbs in with the Israeli movers. They watch Jonathan grovel.

Jonathan: I can’t help it. I still like the way pot makes me think. Maybe it’s healthy!

Suzanne: Pot is not healthy

Jonathan: They give it to cancer patients!

Suzanne: You don’t have cancer.

Jonathan: Not yet.

Wow, Jonathan and I can be the founding members of the League of Morbid Thinkers. He chases after the moving truck, to no avail. Jonathan’s neighbor (and maybe landlady) tells him, “You gotta rebound fast, that’s the best cure. Just go on Craigslist.” Woof. Not the best idea.

Jonathan tries to talk about his feelings, but the neighbor’s kid starts hitting things with a baseball bat, and she leaves him alone on the stairwell. Poor Jonathan. Well, I’m not that sad for him. But it’s sad in a human condition, people-don’t-talk-to-each-other kind of way.

Back in the apartment, Jonathan knocks over a stack of books and finds a paperback: “Farewell My Lovely” by Raymond Chandler. There’s a detective on the cover. He lies on the floor with a pillow between his legs, reading it.

Jonathan is one of those well-dressed hipsters, and reminds me so much of a few Silver Lake types I’ve known in my day. But I’m guessing he’s a Williamsburg type, since this is Brooklyn. Although… is there a new Williamsburg? Long Island City or something? I don’t know, I’m not in the Brooklyn loop. I wish.

He also drinks white wine (ha, I wrote “whine” first, which is almost more appropriate) out of a coffee mug. How Prohibition Era of him. Before the opening credits end, he opens his laptop, goes to Craigslist, and posts a listing: “Detective for Hire.”

Now, I have a little bit of an issue with this, because it feels like the whole deciding-to-be-a-detective thing happened really fast. It seems like Jonathan took action really quickly, when his girlfriend just said that he never takes action? But maybe that’s the point? I don’t know, I just thought that there would be more of a journey to the moment when he decides to be a detective, and a little bit more of a “why.” But I’m still on board. Just sayin’.

Literally the moment that he posts the ad, he gets a call. But it’s not a potential client. It’s his friend Ray. AKA Zach Galifianakis! I’m excited! And they meet at a coffee shop and sit at a counter that’s up against a window. Ugh, New York City is cool. I mean, counters up against windows exist in other cities, but I’m totally infatuated with NYC. You’ll have to forgive me.

Ray compares a bad breakup to being in a “falcon hood,” where all you can see “is complete darkness.” He asks why Jonathan didn’t tell him about what was going on.

Jonathan: I didn’t think she would actually move out. And then out of nowhere these super-efficient Israeli mover guys show. All of a sudden it’s like the Raid on Entebbe in my own apartment.

Ray: Let me, let me get my computer. What is the Raid on Entebbe?

Jonathan: It was the Israeli tactical, uh… group of people… ah, fuck it, I don’t know. You used the word “falcon hood.”

Ray: I know what a falcon hood is. Everybody knows what a falcon hood is.

Jonathan: Really?

(You guys, I’m listening to an internet radio show, and they just played a Coconut Records song. That’s Jason Schwartzman’s band. And NOW they’re plugging “Bored to Death.” Crazy.) (Not that crazy.)

Jonathan and Ray are both struggling artists. Jonathan’s working on his second novel, and Ray draws comic books. Ray is sure that his girlfriend, Leah, is about to break up with him. She told him that he should get a job teaching art at public school. “Those girls were into us because we’re artists,” Ray says. “And then reality hits.”

Ray shows Jonathan that he made him a character in his web comic: A therapist.

Jonathan: I wish you’d made me something more heroic.

Ray: You are heroic. Therapists are heroic. They’re the heroes of listening.

True that!

We see that in the comic, Ray is a superhero. His superhero self (in costume) is curled up on the therapist’s couch, sucking his thumb. The speech bubble says, “I don’t feel like anybody really knows me.” The therapist’s bubble says, “I understand.” It’s precious.

And I found a picture of it! I am so happy to be able to show this to you:

"Therapists are the superheroes of listening."

"Therapists are heroic. They’re the heroes of listening."

Jonathan gets a call from a girl who saw the Craigslist ad (at first he doesn’t even remember the ad). Her sister (an NYU student) is missing. Jonathan manages to field the call and continue to play his computer game, which is… something that beeps and has a green background. I don’t know computer games. Other than Tetris.

One F train later, Jonathan meets up with the concerned sister, Rachel. She’s really thin. It’s making me feel uncomfortable. And she’s wearing a purple dress and a red sweater. AND she says she uses Craigslist for everything. She’s freaking me out to the max!

On the spot, Jonathan says that his rate is $100/day. He asks to see a picture of the sister, Lisa, and the picture includes Lisa’s “gross boyfriend, Vincent.” What’s gross about him, Jonathan wants to know. Rachel enumerates: He has a neck tattoo, and he’s English, and he’s a bartender. “And he’s old, like thirty.” “That’s not old,” Jonathan counters. “I’m thirty.” It’s awkward and delightful.

Thirty-year-olds are really defensive about not being old.

Rachel: My sister says even though Vincent’s a total jerk, they have amazing sex. Guys who are assholes are always the best at sex. It sucks. I don’t know why the world is like that.

Jonathan: Nice guys can be good too, you know. Thoughtful, attentive, just… loving.

He sort of points at himself when he says “loving.” It’s fairly hilarious. Also… the most effeminate delivery possible.

Rachel interrupts and adds that Vincent is likely a meth-head, and that he might have “gone homicidal on her.” “Break-ups can be hard on a guy,” Jonathan says mournfully.

Rachel starts to question whether Jonathan is a real detective, so he uses some detective talk. “Find him, and we find her. ‘Cherchez l’homme.’” The girl doesn’t know that it’s a play on a famous quote, and gets really confused. She’s taking Spanish in school, so…

Jonathan and Rachel print up several copies of the picture of Vincent and Lisa (technology!), and we find out that Vincent works at the Parkside Lounge. They don’t card NYU students! Jonathan gets a call from George (Ted Danson) reminding him that he has to work for George tonight. Jonathan hangs up and says, “Another case closed!” Not so much.

Jonathan promises to find the sister, and sends his client home (to Philadelphia) in a cab. Um, maybe he shouldn’t have promised. This is his first case, after all.

Also, an ambulance goes by in the background, and we hear it, and it was probably not a planned thing, and good job sound people!

Big fancy art gallery party. Jonathan shows up and greets a beautiful woman named Niko.

Niko: Where have you been? George is pissed.

Jonathan: He’s drunk already?

Niko: Don’t pull that Anglophile bullshit, okay? He’s pissed as in, angry at you.

Anglophile bullshit? Such a thirtysomething neo-hipster artist thing to do. Jonathan was supposed to get celebrity quotes for “the party page,” but only D-listers are left. So George runs a newspaper?

Niko and her boyfriend broke up, too, and Jonathan seems to be angling for some sort of rebound action with her. But… he’s effeminate and neurotic, and she’s… stunning. But Niko isn’t biting.

Niko: Actually, I’m happier alone. The only reason to be with somebody is to have sex, and I don’t need sex. I mean, when you’re doing it it’s okay, but when you’re not it’s like, What’s the point?

Jonathan: Yeah… I guess.

This is a fundamental difference between men and women. Or, men and a certain type of woman. It’s also a really funny moment, because Jonathan’s face is saying, “What?”

The bottom line is that Niko is taller than Jonathan.

Luckily Jonathan is saved by George, who is not mad. He wants pot! And Jonathan has pot.

They’re together in a bathroom stall. Sexual. Jonathan is pretty judgmental about George’s pot-smoking, all things considered. He dips the end of a cigarette into a prescription bottle filled with pot. George is very pleased with that.

But the medicine bottle is an old Viagra bottle with George’s name on it. Oops. George is NOT happy about that.

Jonathan: You gave me that bottle months ago. There were two pills left in it, you told me I should try them, now I’m putting my pot in it.

George: Are you insane? What if you got arrested for marijuana possession? Page Six would have a field day.

Okay, Ted Danson is looking a lot like Tim Gunn in this scene.

George thinks that he hears someone come into the bathroom. He looks over the stall (he’s tall) and says, “Hello? Hello?” in a kind of sing-songy way.

But the reason George is mad isn’t necessarily what you’d think: He doesn’t seem to care about being connected to a pot possession rap. He just doesn’t want the world to know that he takes Viagra. Jonathan questions whether George really needs Viagra, and George blames in on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol (Jamie Foxx style). And the heart medicine.

Speaking of, I find it surprising that Jonathan doesn’t have any pill bottles of his own. Being a novelist, and all. Issues!

George sits on top of the toilet and lights up the pot-dipped cigarette.

George: I’m not who I once was, but I accept that. It’s called humility.

Jonathan: Then why are you back on pot?

George: Because I’m bored. I’m bored. Death by a thousand dull conversations.

There you go. Bored to death. I really love this scene, and also the ennui of this show. I’m making fun of the hipster-ness, but hey, I’m an aspiring writer dwelling in the Silver Lake area. I only joke because I love.

Jonathan: Do you think we drink too much?

George: No, we don’t drink too much. Men face reality, women don’t. That’s why men need to drink.

Jonathan: That’s a line from my novel.

George: Yeah, well you stole it from me.

Well, whoever said it… I don’t think it’s true. Jonathan tells George that Suzanne moved out because he drank too much, and George says that he isn’t surprised.

George: You’re like me, Jonathan. We enthrall and then we disappoint. It used to take me several years, now it’s a couple of weeks. If I’m with a woman longer than that, then there’s something wrong with her.

Aw, that’s sad. And once again: I really like this scene.

Jonathan asks why this is true, and George says that he doesn’t lie as well as he used to. “Well, that means you’re more honest,” Jonathan says optimistically. George laughs and says, “No.”

Back in the gallery, Jonathan calls the Parkside Lounge and asks if Vincent Ellis is working tonight. In a very cool exterior shot, we see Jonathan walking to the Parkside Lounge in the red glow emitted from its neon sign. It looks great partly because the streets are wet, which… it’s a Hollywood (as in, film industry) convention to water down the streets for a night shoot. With a big truck. For reasons such as these.

At first Jonathan orders white wine, but the Parkside Lounge isn’t really a white wine type of place, so he orders, “Whisky, no ice.” I’m guessing that’s a Raymond Chandler thing. But it obviously burns, because he makes terrible faces while he drinks it. And coughs. Very funny.

Turns out that Vincent isn’t working after all. He called in just before his shift started. Jonathan tries to question the bartender/maybe owner. He lays a twenty dollar bill down on the bar… old timey bribe!

Bartender: I’ll tell you one thing. He’s not home.

Jonathan: Can you tell me another thing, like where he’s at?

Vincent’s at the Velma Hotel. It came up on the bar’s caller ID.

Jonathan finishes his whiskey before he leaves, sputtering and choking. “Been laying off the whiskey,” he yells to the bartender. “Been on a white wine regimen. Trying to save the relationship.” Nice cover? “Good for you,” the bartender deadpans.

Now it’s raining? Okay, it’s very noir. Jonathan is outside the hotel, and still coughing. He is really not equipped to be manly.

Of course, the hotel manager behind the glass answers every question with, “Fuck you.” “Come on man, you don’t have to curse so much,” Jonathan says. He has to rent a room if he even wants to sit in the lobby: $60 for three hours, $90 for the night. “Do people use their real names in this place?” Jonathan asks. He checks in as Raymond Chandler.

In case you’ve been keeping track: At this point, he’s making negative money. So much for $100/day.

Jonathan sits in the lobby, waiting for Vincent to come out and smoke. He reads his novel, he dances, he watches odd couples come and go (my favorite: A middle-aged white man in business attire and a young male Asian punk). Eventually Jonathan falls asleep. When he wakes up, he finds out that Vincent went out and came back. “With beer.” Alone.

After some more bribing, Jonathan gets Vincent’s room number: 313. Roomie wonders why Jonathan didn’t just ask for that in the first place, but I think the innkeeper wanted to milk him for more money than that. And maybe some sort of strange trust was built, as Jonathan waited and danced.

I really like the music on this show. There was maybe-flamenco playing as Jonathan waited, and now some kind of crazy synth score. Maybe a Casiotone.

Jonathan bangs on Vincent’s door and calls his name (maybe not the smoothest way to do things, if you don’t want someone to think you’re a cop and/or kill you?), until a prostitute opens the next door over. “What the hell is going on out here?” “Nothing, I’m sorry,” Jonathan says.

The prostitute offers him a date, because she just had a client cancel. “You know, I can’t right now,” he says. “But thank you.” He’s obviously afraid of the prostitute, because she is very tall and has a lot of attitude. Maybe she’s really a man. Who knows.

Vincent flings his door open, and scares the crap out of Jonathan. The prostitute, spooked, goes back into her room.

Jonathan busts into Vincent’s room. Vincent is wearing black briefs, a white wife beater, and a leather jacket. The sister is… tied to the bedposts, and has a washcloth in her mouth. Jonathan reassures her that he’s here to help.

And then Vincent pulls out his… weapon? It’s a lighter, like the long type that you use to light a grill. It’s really not scary at all, but it freaks Jonathan. He runs into the bathroom, and locks himself in. His phone starts to ring. (And the same time, MY phone started to ring. It was weird.)

“Who the fuck is calling you?” Vincent yells on the other side of the door. The sister (Lisa) rolls her eyes.

“Can you wait one second, please?” Jonathan calls. “It’s my boss calling, I’m gonna answer it. He hates if I don’t answer it.” George is kneeling on his bed in a silk robe. He’s craving marijuana. Can Jonathan come over?

George: Don’t be a milquetoast. Where are you, Brooklyn? Hop in a car service. I’ll pay.

Hahahs, milquetoast is an amazing word. And it’s a pretty accurate description of Jonathan. (The tagline calls him a noir-otic, which is also good.)

Just as a refresher: The sister who hired Jonathan is Rachel Klein, and the girl in the bed is Lisa. Jewish girls gone wild!

Through the door, Jonathan explains that he’s not a licensed detective. “I’m a writer.” Suddenly, Vincent is intrigued. “What kind of writer?” Jonathan says that he’s struggling with his second novel, which is traditionally the hardest novel to write (his words). Vincent is a writer too. He writes songs. “It’s really what I want to do with my life.”

Lisa broke up with Vincent, and he’s trying to put things back together. “Really?” Jonathan says. “My girlfriend broke up with me. She moved out today. I’m pretty upset.” On the bed, Lisa is looking incredibly WTF about all this.

“You just let her go?” Vincent asks. “That’s not cool. You have to be a man when that happens.” Jonathan’s problem is that he’s not particularly manly. And Vincent’s problem is that he’s heating up a meth pipe as he doles out this advice.

“Yeah, I let her go,” Jonathan says. “I mean, why is Lisa tied to the bed? I don’t like the looks of THAT.” HA.

Vincent says that they’re role-playing, and that he wants Lisa to get Stockholm Syndrome. “That’s why we’re in this sleazy room, to make it authentic.”

Jonathan: I’ve always been intrigued by Stockholm Syndrome. Makes me think of my childhood.

Ooch. Interesting. I want to hear more about his background.

Vincent: She’s supposed to fall in love with her captor. Or in this case, fall back in love.

Jonathan: I should have tried that… Can I come out now?

Um, let’s take a vote: Does Jonathan have Stockholm Syndrome right now? He just totally bonded with Vincent while… being held captive in Vincent’s bathroom.

Jonathan comes out of the bathroom, and Vincent continues to point the lighter at him (from across the room) as if it’s a gun. Jonathan sniffs the air: “What’s that smell?” It’s meth.

Jonathan: Oh come on, man. You can’t smoke meth. It’s all chemicals. I have pot. It’s natural, it’s better for you.

Jonathan wants to take the washcloth out of Lisa’s mouth, but Vincent says that they have to maintain their role-playing roles. Jonathan seems to have totally forgotten his purpose, because he doesn’t argue the point. Jonathan and Vincent, now very chummy, smoke some pot together. The reversals in this whole situation are hilarious.

Jonathan: My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I smoke too much pot and drink too much wine. But she’s right. How can you love someone if you’re in a fog the whole time?

That last line is beautiful. In my opinion. (And the first line is kind of… on the nosey? And too specific? I mean, I think it’s his deluded excuse for why she broke up with him, but still.) (And did he ONLY drink white wine? Why not just say, “I drink too much”?)

Vincent offers Jonathan a hit of meth, and Jonathan is intrigued. My co-worker maintains that Jonathan totally would have tried it, but luckily…

At that moment the police come knocking with the prostitute, because she heard a fight. Vincent throws all of the drugs out the bathroom window. Jonathan lets the police in, acting as if he’s inviting them into a totally normal situation.

The police finally take the washcloth out of Lisa’s mouth. She says that she’s fine, and identifies Vincent as her ex. “But I don’t even know who that guy is,” she says, indicating Jonathan. “I think there’s something wrong with him.” Ha.

“I was just trying to help,” Jonathan says as the officers lead him into the hallway. “I’m a writer.”

Jonathan sits in the station, talking to an officer (a detective?) at a desk. He explains that he wasn’t in his right mind, after his breakup. Jonathan says that he actually lost money, because he forgot to tell the little sister about expenses, which is something that the detectives in books always take into consideration. The officer tells Jonathan that he didn’t actually break any laws, and Vincent and Lisa aren’t filing a complaint, after all. HA.

So… Jonathan was just trying to help, but now he’s the criminal element in this situation.

Jonathan sees Vincent and Lisa walking out. “And you had better get that tattoo changed,” she’s saying. “I’m sick of seeing the name ‘Lisa’ tattooed on your belly.” “But that’s your name!” Vincent protests. “But that’s the other Lisa!” she replies. HA.

Jonathan tells Lisa to call her sister. “I already called her, asshole,” Lisa says. Ouch, no good deed goes unpunished. But when your boyfriend’s a meth-head (and maybe you are, too), the last thing you want is to have to deal with the police. “Thanks for not pressing charges!” Jonathan calls as they exit.

The officer is not happy Jonathan, to say the least. “If you go back on that Craigslist, and impersonate an investigator, you’re gonna end up in Riker’s. And I don’t see you thriving in that environment.” HA. He’s totally be somebody’s girlfriend.

I guess Jonathan spent the night at the station, because he exits a subway station into the light of day, in Brooklyn. As he walks, we hear a lovely song: “Being alone it can be quite romantic. Like Jacques Cousteau underneath the Atlantic.” (It’s “Lull,” by Andrew Bird. Thanks, Google.)

Jonathan and Ray meet up outside their coffee house, because the interior of the shop has been invaded by yoga mommies. Ray wants to talk first. He tells a story about his girlfriend, Leah, and how they didn’t have sex last night like they were supposed to because she fell asleep, but how she got really angry when he didn’t stay the night. Also: Leah has kids. Plural.

Ray: I want to be put to sleep. I want to be tucked in. I want to be the only child of a woman’s life.

Ray has mommy issues. Before Jonathan can tell his story, Ray sees Leah riding up on a bike. With a child’s seat on the back.

Ray gets up and walks away, but Leah catches him.

Leah: How dare you leave me in the middle of the night like a one-night stand.

Ray: One-night stand? I wish it was.

Leah: You should have stayed and held me.

Ray: What am I? A hot water bottle. I’m a man, I have needs. You call this monogamy? I call it celibacy.

Leah: Oh, those are big words for you. Did you read them in one of your comic books?

Ray: I read them in my diary.

Might I remind you that Ray is Zach Galifianakis? This scene is amazing. Ray starts to cry, and Leah gets off her bike and holds him. It’s really sweet. And Ray is such a man-baby. He should have held Leah last night. In that one conversation, you see that they have issues, but they also need each other. (Or at least, Ray needs Leah.) Also: Leah is really pretty, in a doesn’t-wear-makeup way.

Jonathan gets up and walks away, tripping over a stroller. He goes home and hangs up his brown corduroy detective jacket. But then he gets an email asking for his investigative help. It’s from a woman. He calls her up. “I believe I can help you.”

Next week: Is the woman Kristin Wiig? Jason talks to Olivia (his ex). Ted gets herpes of the mouth. Zach gets a colonic. I mean, Jonathan, Suzanne, George, Ray. Character names. I need to learn them.

Okay, so I really enjoyed that. I think the theme of being aspiring or struggling artists and trying to sustain relationships and… all the rest… it’s right up my alley.

So… you’ll be hearing about this show again. And if you have HBO, check it out. Great lines, great deliveries.

xoxo…

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The British are Coming: MAD MEN Episode 306

September 22, 2009
Good times barber shop!

Good times barber shop!

Episode 306: “Guy Walks Into An Advertising Agency” Air Date: 9/20/09

I was really torn between calling this “British Invasion” and “The British Are Coming.” I chose the latter because it has more to do with the American Revolution. And this is a 4th of July episode. So… I hope you appreciate my clever decision. And my humility. Ha.

And the Mad Men website had several great pictures this week. So I figured… the more, the merrier!

While I was watching the Emmys, my mom called to warn me about something bloody and disturbing that happens in this episode. (Although I love “True Blood,” I’m generally very squeamish.)

Mom didn’t want to ruin it for me, but through a series of questions I managed to figure out that the bloody event would be something similar to a stabbing, that it wouldn’t happen to a lead, that it wouldn’t be perpetrated by Sally, and that it would take place about three-quarters into the episode.

As a result, I spent the entire episode (and entire recap, since I recapped on first viewing) speculating about how the bloody mess would come to be.

Previously on: Dr. Greg stuff. (Oh no… are we going to see hospital blood?) Also: Earlier tonight, “Mad Men” won the Emmy for Best Drama.

I didn’t even mention this in my notes when I did my initial recap, but it’s very important to know that at the beginning of this episode, Ken drives a John Deere lawnmower/tractor thing into the main cubicle area of Sterling Cooper. I have no idea how he got it up the elevator. He’s gloating, because John Deere is his account (not Pete’s), and something big just happened with it.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but that tractor was the gun on the wall. As in the famous principle: “If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it’s not going to be fired, it shouldn’t be hanging there.” -From S. Shchukin, Memoirs (1911)

But I didn’t realize that the tractor was a gun, because sometimes a tractor is just a tractor.

Sorry to get all reference-y. Actually, I’m not sorry. This is “Mad Men.” It’s high brow TV. Keep up.

There’s a special announcement at Sterling Cooper: The British are coming! As in… the guys who own Sterling Cooper. They’re visiting through July 3rd, which was supposed to be a day off. “They were unaware of the holiday,” Mr. Hooker informs everybody. Or they were very aware, and bitter! (In case you’ve forgotten, he’s Mr. Pryce’s man-secretary. They’re both British.)

Aw, Wednesday will be Joan’s last day.

Everyone is rushing around to make sure that things are perfect for the visit.

Hooker: Mr. Kinsey, you may need to shave your beard.

Paul Kinsey: What? Who ARE you people?!

Hooker: That was a joke.

Don and Roger Sterling are going to a barber shop… oh no, shaving knife blood?! I think this pre-barber scene is when Cooper says something to make Don think that the British are going to promote him and steal him to London.

Betty is sleeping on her bed, with Baby Gene in her arms. Bobby and Sally come into the room. Bobby approaches his mother, but Sally stays a safe distance away from the baby.

Bobby: I’m bored.

Betty: Go bang your head against the wall.

Bobby: Mo-om.

Wow, Mother of the Year.

Betty: Only bored people are bored.

Bobby (re: the baby): Can I pet him?

Awww, kids say the darndest things! Bobby pets the baby, and then he and Sally leave. Betty calls Baby Gene her “little pig in a blanket.” So… she likes Baby Gene, at least.

At the barber shop, Sterling gets a manicure. Is he an original metrosexual? Don declines a manicure. It’s too feminine for his taste.

Sterling tells a story about how his very manly father always got manicures. A windshield severed his father’s arm. But the fingernails were perfect! Could that be the bloody scene later on, in a flashback? No, because the story is a lie. Well, at least what his father hit was a lie. (But the severed limb is foreshadowing!)

Don slaps aftershave on his face, and doesn’t flinch. What a man!

Sterling says that the problem with Mona (his ex) is that she started judging people. Sterling doesn’t like being judged. That’s a pointed message at Don. (Oh yeah, they were sent to this barber together because Cooper wants them to make up. There’s still tension between Don and Sterling because Don called bullshit on Sterling’s happiness at the Derby Days party.)

Joan gives terse instructions to Hildy the Secretary.

Hildy to Joan: Are you being short with me because you think it will make parting easier? My mother used to do that.

Wow, mother issues everywhere. And then Mr. Hooker approaches.

Hooker: I’m noticing for the first time that the ladies out here are rather plain, present company excluded.

Joan: Well, we could hire some prostitutes. I know your prime minister enjoys their company.

Hooker: Secretary at War. And you’d do best not to bring that up tomorrow.

Ha! Get some hookers for Hooker.

Hooker says that maybe they can “re-shed-yool” Joan’s surprise going away party, since the Brits are coming tomorrow. Oh, wait, oops? Surprise party. Hooker says that he’s sure Joan already knew. He calls her “Mrs. Harris.” Is she already married to Greg? (Thomas and I have been arguing about that.)

Joan tells Hooker that she’s going home to cook a celebratory dinner for her husband. (He finds out if he’s chief resident today… I’m guessing he’s not, since we know that he’s a surgery-botcher.) “And when you wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what you forgot, don’t call me.” You go girl! (Why don’t you talk this way to your icky husband?)

Okay, new guess: Greg isn’t going to make chief resident. And then he’s going to use a medical instrument to stab whoever DID get it. Because… he’s a rapist.

Don and Betty debrief about the day. Sally won’t go near the baby. She also won’t sleep without a nightlight… but I mean, those are both things that kids do. Not too crazy. Don asks Betty if she’d want to live in London, and she says, “Of course. I could get a pram and a real nanny.” Are those things cheaper in London?

Joan is sleeping on the couch when Greg comes in drunk and stumbles over something in the dark. Aw, there wasn’t any celebratory dinner, because Greg never came home. Poor Joan! Greg says that he told her he was going to drinks with the docs. Joan calls him on his lie and says, “I just ate dinner for two.” Haha, a woman after my own heart.

Greg didn’t get chief resident. Duhhhh. He’s a shitty surgeon. Doug Hutchinson is chief resident. I think Doug Hutchison is getting stabbed tonight. Or maybe Edinger, who didn’t look Greg in the eye. All of these people are up for stabbing, because my mom said that it was a “new character” who would be getting maimed.

Uh oh, it’s going to be Edinger.

Greg: He sat me down in his office and he poured a drink and he said… he said I had no brains in my fingers.

Joan: But he wrote you all those nice evaluations–

Greg: Dammit, Joan! Doctors don’t write bad things about each other.

Ugh, that explains a lot. Like those doctors you see on “20/20″ who accidentally amputated the wrong limb, more than once. Because they keep getting sent from hospital to hospital, and never actually get fired or reported.

If Greg wants to stay in surgery, he’s going to have to leave New York. He’ll go to “Alabama, or something.” He’s still a doctor, but he’s not a surgeon. Greg won’t say whether he was fired. But he does tell Joan that she’ll need to work for another year. “Greg, that’s done,” she says, re: her job at Sterling Cooper. “Well, get another one,” he replies.

Joan: Listen, you are still a doctor. I married you for your heart, not your hands.

Oh, so they are married. (And I bet he married her for her chest, not her heart.)

The other doctors went out to celebrate, but Greg couldn’t fake it with them. He’s been sitting in The Dublin House (a bar?) since 2pm. Oh great, alcoholic in training. “Go lay down,” Joan says. “I’ll undress you.” Ya big baby.

Don lies in bed next to Betty, looking smug. Is he about to face a Greg-esque reality check?

Sally lies awake, even though she has her nightlight.

Joan wears her amazing lime green dress, which I think we’ve seen before. Ugh, Mr. Hooker is taking over her job. AH! Mr. Sheffield from “The Nanny” is back, as… I think it’s spelled St. John (pronounced “sin gin,” haha).

As Hooker shows the Brits around, Paul sits in his office with the door open… playing guitar and singing? It’s like he’s in a competition: America’s Biggest Corporate Beatnik?

Blue-suited Pete meets Guy McKendrick (one of the Brits).

Guy: I know everything about you. You’re a very impressive fellow.

Pete: I wish I could return the compliment.

Guy: Well perhaps one day you shall.

Did Pete accidentally totally burn Guy McKendrick? He said it really pleasantly, but “I wish I could return the compliment?” Sounds… like a diss. Oops!

Next Guy McK meets Peggy.

Guy: I know everything about you. You are a very impressive young woman.

Are you sensing a trend here? Peggy says, “Why, thank you.” That feels more appropriate. Oooh, and Guy hopes to chat with her later. Bow chicka wow.

Now I’m thinking that maybe Guy McK will be the stabee.

The Brits take off their shoes to go into Cooper’s office. Guy has degrees from Cambridge and the London School of Economics, and he’s been studying Don’s work. Stalker!

Guy says to Don, “I look forward to, how do you say, catching up?” But Guy speaks English. He’s British. I always think of “how do you say?” as being something that non-English speakers say. There’s something kind of phony about Guy. I mean, not that. I don’t think he’s secretly French or anything. But… odd. He’s charming, but it’s covering up something more calculated.

I think at this point there’s some sort of Agatha Christie/Clue reference to having the meeting “in the x, with the y.” Which is appropriate to this recap, because I’m sleuthing out the stabber/stabee. (Also appropriate because I just watched “Bored to Death”… big night of sleuthery.) After the Brits leave, Cooper says, “Well, that was strange.”

Lane Pryce nervously awaits the visiting Brits. “Spectacles,” Hooker reminds him, and Pryce removes his glasses and sticks them in his pocket. Haha. Vanity.

The Brits are very impressed with Pryce’s work at Sterling Cooper. They’re offering Pryce a reward and a challenge. It’s in a box… it’s something that looks like a snake? A taxidermied rattle snake in a basket. Yay?

St. John: It’s for our snake charmer. We’re sending you to Bombay.

Pryce: Bombay? What would I do there?

He sounds very nervous.

St. John: Well, hopefully the same thing you accomplished here.

Pryce is not happy at all. His wife just settled in, his son was just accepted to school. He doesn’t want to move halfway across the world, all over again. But St. John reminds Pryce that he’s moving up. (… Or is he?) (Technically, he’s moving south.)

Ah, Guy McKendrick gives a presentation on an overheard projector. This is 1963? In the year 2000, overheard projectors were still in wide use at my high school. I don’t know if that’s a comment on technology, or on public school… or both. (They’ve probably moved on to PowerPoint by now.)

Everyone claps for Lane Pryce. “Our loss is India’s gain,” Guy says. Then he adds, “There’s no need for alarm. There will be no further reductions in our ranks.” Harry is the only one who claps for that, and it’s wonderfully inappropriate and awkward.

Don, Guy, and Cooper will be overseeing the company. There’s a line from Don’s name up to Guy’s, so I guess he’s under Guy now? And Guy is… in his late twenties, I think? So… not exactly a promotion, there. Not for Don, at least.

Cooper points out that Sterling isn’t on the chart at all. “Ah, that was an oversight,” Guy says. Hmmm. Don is sketching a little British (sort of?) flag in his notebook. Guy doesn’t want to inform the rest of Sterling Cooper of this good news (?) in a memo. He wants to go inform the troops right away! The Brits exit.

Harry: What the hell just happened?

Pete: They reorganized us, and you’re the only one in this room who got a promotion.

Harry: Really?

Sterling: Yes, really.

Haha. Cooper apologizes to Don for his wild imagination. I guess he really thought that Don would be going to England? And Don was pumped about that? Because… REVOLUTIONARY ROAD? I don’t know.

I need a blood buddy. Usually at the movies I bury my head in Cole’s shoulder, and he tells me when I can look. He’s Blackberry messaging me, but my recapping has put me out of sync with him. This is not good.

Betty and Sally have a chat in Sally’s room. I like their colorful outfits! Betty “finds” a gift. “‘To my new big sister, the best in the world!’ And my goodness, it’s from Baby Gene.” Ooh, Sally doesn’t look happy. But my mom told me that the blood doesn’t involve Sally, so I’m not too worried for the baby.

Ooh, they totally are dying Sally’s hair, and making her look like mini-Betty. Their hair is really similar in this scene. It’s kind of freaky. Mini-Betty!

Anyway, Sally inspects the card. “Baby Gene can’t write,” she says suspiciously. Future rocket scientist! “Babies get fairies to do things,” Betty says. “You know that.” Really? Is that something that kids are supposed to know? Nobody every told me that. But I never looked gift-from-baby horses in the mouth. It’s a Barbie. Oh, great role model.

“I think he wants you to know that he wants to be your friend,” Betty says, re: Baby Gene. Actually, this is probably Betty at her kindest. Oh wait. She stands up, puts her hand on Sally’s shoulder, kisses her on the head, and says, “And you are very important to me, too.” It’s fairly curt. And then she walks out.

Is Betty obsessed with Baby Gene because he’s sort of a symbol of the potential reincarnation of her just-died father? Let’s discuss.

Oh, and the Barbie has short brown hair. And it’s scary looking. (According to Oprah’s 1960s-themed episode that aired on Monday 9/21, 1963 Barbie was meant to look like Jackie O.)

Guy toasts goodbye to Pryce, and to Joan. “I wish you caviar, and children, and all that is good in your new life.” Guy raises his glass to Joan and smiles handsomely at her, and she starts to cry.

Oh no, is Joan going to stab her husband? Desperate housewives!

Hooker wheels out a cake with a picture of a ship on it. It says, “Bon Voyage, Joan.” I can’t help but think of it as a sinking ship.

“Enjoy the liquor and delicatessen,” Guy says. Delicatessen! I love it. (I really do. The word and the food.) The presentations will continue tomorrow. The rest of the day is dedicated to partying.

Which is lame, because can’t they finish the presentations today, and get 3rd of July off tomorrow?

Ken Pete, Harry, and Paul stand off to the side, looking unhappy.

Ken: So… what now? They keep adding people above us.

Pete: One more promotion, and we’re gonna be answering the phones.

At least this is kind of bonding Ken and Pete, after all of the we-got-the-same-promotion drama of episodes one and two.

Okay, maybe Pete is going to stab Guy? Maybe Joan is going to stab Hooker, to get her job back?

Peggy and Don stand together, awkwardly.

Peggy: This is good champagne.

Don: I don’t think so.

Oh, come on, Don. Throw her a bone. Peggy exits to get some food, and Don’s secretary tells him that Conrad Hilton’s office is on the line. OH CRAZY. Remember Connie? From the bar at the garden party?

Okay, the only reason I connect this so fast is because Thomas called that Connie was Conrad Hilton, the night that we watched the Derby Days episode. Thomas is uber-smart like that.

Conrad Hilton. The hotel owner. As in, Hilton. Don knows all this, but Don doesn’t make the Conrad-Connie connection. He’s willing to meet with Hilton “right now,” but is really confused.

Don’s told to meet Connie at the Waldorf. I’ve stayed there! But not in the Presidential Suite, which is where Don is headed.

Sterling’s upset that he wasn’t on the chart. He complains to Cooper, who is eating chocolate pudding. Cooper is delightfully eccentric.

Sterling: I like to think, I’m rich, they can’t hurt me.

Cooper: That’s a mistake.

Sterling: I’m being punished for making my job look easy. Although that kid, Guy, he has a spark. He is a pure account man.

Cooper says that being a good account man is about “letting things go so you can get what you want.” Deep. Sterling leaves, telling Cooper to have a nice holiday and “enjoy the fireworks.”

During the commercials: “AMC congratulates Matthew Weiner and Kater Gordon on their Emmy award.” That was fast! This recorded at 7pm PST. Kater looked kind of like Vampire Jessica from “True Blood.”

Forty-one minutes in. I’m increasingly nervous about the blood.

Party at the office. We haven’t seen an office party like this since the election episode, have we? Smitty and Out Gay Kurt (FINALLY!) and… some other guy… are talking Vietnam. I won’t call him “Guy” because there already is a Guy.

Employee: My dad keeps talking about Vietnam. I think he wants me to get drafted.

Smitty: First of all, they’re hardly drafting anybody. Second of all, you’re too old. [thinks] Third of all, I have a friend in the army, and if you’re smart, you’re set. He sits behind a desk at Fort Dix and screws secretaries all day.

At Fort Dix?! Hahaha. Suddenly Gay Kurt is interested (in Dix! haha), and says his first (and so far, only) line all season, in his wherever-he’s-from accent (the actor is from Bosnia/Germany).

Kurt: Does he shoot the peoples?

Smitty: I gotta take a piss.

Also: Smitty is wrong about a lot of things about Vietnam. Or at least, he’s going to be wrong, in retrospect. And Smitty has bad judgment in general. (Foreshadowing.)

Peggy got a card for Joan. “It would be nice if I gave you a gift for once, and you didn’t wonder if I wanted something,” Peggy says.

Peggy: I don’t want you to think I never listen to you. It’s just we can’t all be you.

Joan: Be that as it may, I do take some credit for your success here.

They share a smile. It’s sweet. Aw, why can’t they be friends? Because… it’s the working world in the 1960s, and… Joan resents Peggy, I think. Because Peggy is a copy-writer, and not a… sex object. Even though Joan never really wanted that kind of career. Until the whole TV/Media thing last year, where Harry should have hired Joan to be his right hand.

And then: Oh no, Now Smitty (I think) is driving the John Deere tractor thing around, and he’s probably drunk, and… I have a feeling this is going to be the cause of the bloody incident? I need a blood buddy, because I don’t want to look anymore. It’s hard to recap without looking.

Um, I am paralyzed with fear. I am pausing the episode and Blackberrying Cole for backup, here.

Oh, the tractor is gone, for now. Whew.

Peggy to Joan: I’m really happy you got what you wanted. I remember on my first day you said that could happen to me if I played my cards right.

What, getting married? I don’t remember.

Oh no, the tractor is back. THIS IS THE WORST. And Paul’s kind of inept secretary (Lois?) is driving. She’s bad at this!

Joan and Peggy are saying they’ll see each other all the time. Not. “If we don’t,” Peggy says. “I just want to say…”

The tractor noises are getting loud. Joan and Peggy are yelling over it. I have to pause. Steeling myself for blood.

Oh no, the secretary slices some guy in a gray suit’s leg… and drives right through an office wall/window. Whee! That wasn’t so bad… yet. It was kind of funny. And several of the regulars got sprayed with blood.

Oh, I think his foot is… almost severed. I’m not looking. Paul is splattered in blood. And Harry? I’m not looking.

Joan runs to the rescue. “Get us a tourniquet and a first aid kit.” Lois is freaking out. “Get her out of here!” Joan says. You guys, Joan is a medical master. She should be a nurse, or an EMT. That’s her next career. I bet she’s better at this than Greg is.

Okay, Mom. That really wasn’t so bad. I didn’t look, but I don’t think I needed such a dire warning.

Don meets with Conrad Hilton, and remembers that they met at the country club. Don made him a drink. “Let me return the favor,” Conrad says. “I can’t believe you’re Conrad Hilton,” Don replies. “Connie,” Conrad corrects him. Er, Connie corrects him.

Connie: Food? Best kitchen in the world, got a salad named after it.

Waldorf salad! Also: The Waldorf decor hasn’t really changed since the 1960s. That’s pretty cool. I mean, this is probably a set in Los Angeles. But it’s a set that is decorated to look like the Waldorf did in 1963.

Hey buddy! Reunited with Connie.

Hey buddy! Reunited with Connie.

Don can’t get over that he didn’t know who Connie was. “Ah, I don’t know,” Connie says. “Now, after this comes out next week…” He holds up a picture of the cover of Time Magazine, with his face on it. “Well, they don’t do that for everyone,” Don marvels. Connie puts it down. “I think I look like an A-rab.” Ha! Random.

Also, this is Paris Hilton’s… grandfather? Great-grandfather? Haha.

How did Connie find Don?

Connie: Well, I called around, told people I had a long chat with a handsome fellow from Sterling Cooper, and your name never came up. Apparently you don’t have long chats with people.

Only with strangers. But now Connie isn’t a stranger. And he knows that Don used to be a valet who peed into car trunks. Awk! Connie wants Don to look at some ad ideas. “You wouldn’t be in the Presidential Suite right now if you worked for free,” Don answers. Throw a few Benjamins at him, Connie! But Connie wants one for free.

The ads have a weird mouse on them. I’m good at this game, because Don says, “I don’t think anybody wants to think about a mouse in a hotel.” On the same page as Don! I feel cool.

Don and Connie sit down. “Well, there went my idea,” Connie says. “You got something better?”

Don: I might.

Connie: So… what do you want?

Don: I’m not gonna lie. I’d love a chance at your business.

Connie: Okay. But the next time somebody like me asks you a question like that, you need to think bigger.

I can’t tell if Connie is saying that Don shouldn’t have been so quick to ask for money before, or that he should have asked for more than just a chance at business just now. Either way, it works.

Don: There are snakes that go months without eating until they finally catch something. But they’re so hungry that they suffocate while they’re eating… One opportunity at a time.

Okay, so I guess it was the latter? Connie expected Don to ask for his own company or something?

Ooh, also: Another mention of snakes. Does this have any ties to the taxidermy snake that Pryce received from the Brits? I mean, it does. Duh. This is “Mad Men.” So, snakes that eat too much suffocate, and Pryce got a dead snake… does that mean that Pryce got a bigger project than he could handle, overseeing Sterling Cooper?

And now… Don has an emergency call. “Home or office?” he asks. Because both are… volatile.

Harry, Ken, Smitty, Pete, and Paul sit in an office. Someone is wiping blood off the window. Harry and Paul are down to their undershirts, thanks to the blood spray. The guys are really, really pissed at Smitty for breaking out the tractor, and for letting doesn’t-know-how-to-drive stupid Lois drive it.

Harry: We had the world handed to us on a plate. And then you swing in on a chandelier, drop your pants, and crap on it.

Sterling walks in. “Jesus, it’s like Iwo Jima out there. We should put a rubber mat down so Cooper can get around [in his socks].” “They’re changing the carpeting,” Pete replies.

“Any news?” Sterling asks. “He might lose his foot,” Paul says morosely, especially juxtaposed with Sterling’s chipper attitude. “Right when you get it in the door,” Sterling quips.

Whose office got smashed, I wonder.

Ken says that he takes full responsibility (reminder: he brought the tractor in because John Deere is his account). “Somewhere in this business, this has happened before,” Sterling says, before walking out. This business is CRAZY!

Joan gets a Coke out of the vending machine as Don enters the hospital waiting room… I don’t think this is the same waiting room from the baby ward. Don sadly notes that her dress is ruined with blood. “I didn’t expect you to come over,” she says. “I just thought you should know. Honestly when I called you, I thought he might die.” Eek, he lost the foot.

There’s something so frank about the way they talk to each other. It’s great.

Don is having too much hospital this season.

Don is having too much hospital this season.

(I wanted to make that photo the main photo, but… bloody spoiler alert.)

Don tells Joan that she’ll be missed. “That’s nice to hear. Especially from you, Don.” Joan and Don sit in silence for a few moments.

Joan: I bet he felt great when he woke up this morning.

Don: I’m sure you’re right.

Joan: But that’s life. One minute you’re on top of the world, the next minute some secretary’s running you over with a lawnmower.

They both start to laugh. It’s that kind of laughing you do when you don’t want to cry, because both of them are dealing with unspoken disappointment.

The Brits enter. OH, the guy she hit was GUY. THE Guy. Guy McKendrick. That’s why the Brits are here. Gosh, he looked different in the getting-hit scene. His hair looked darker, and… his face was twisted in pain. My bad.

Ahh: This episode is called “Guy Walks into an Advertising Agency.” But Guy doesn’t walk out. Get it?

St. John: He was great account man. Prodigy. He could talk a Scotsman out of a penny… Now that’s all over.

Don: I don’t know if that’s true.

Third Brit: The man is missing a foot. How is he going to work? He can’t walk.

St. John: Doctors said he’ll never golf again.

Jigga-what? None of this has to do with his ability to be an account man. I guess this was a time before… wheel chair access. Etc.

I talked to my mom about this, and she said that the 1960s were a time before amazing prosthetic technology, and before… you know, fairness. So a guy in a wheelchair or on crutches would just be considered a sad cripple. Part of Guy’s charm was his handsomeness, and his… tallness, or whatever. The way he could command a room. And, apparently, his ability to go business-golfing. Very important skill.

So… poor Guy. Ugh, this blows.

Now the Brits are going to re-evaluate their entire strategy? And Lane Pryce is going to stay in New York. And the office is closed tomorrow, which is also July 3rd. Well, that’s a plus. And the company is going to reimburse Joan for her dress. Score! She likely saved Guy’s life, with the tourniquet and all. So… tell them you need your job back!

Don to Joan: You should get home to that lucky husband.

SAY YOU NEED YOUR JOB BACK, JOAN! But Joan just kisses Don on the cheek, and wipes her lipstick off his face, in a motherly way. Don looks smitten. Even though Joan was his secretary, I have a feeling he never slept with her. Because he’s moral in certain arenas, and because she was Sterling’s girlfriend. But I bet she was his best secretary, because she ended up being Queen of the Secretaries.

Oh wait, it’s a Dr. Pepper vending machine. Not Coke. And it’s super cool. There’s a little door. Pryce buys sodas for himself and Don. He tells Don that he’s been reading American literature lately. As if it’s some new-fangled thing. Haha, those snobby Brits.

Pryce: Tom Sawyer.

Don: That’s a good one.

Pryce: I feel like I just went to my own funeral. I didn’t like the eulogy.

Oooh, THAT’s a good one. Poor Pryce. These Brits are getting ambushed… how appropriate, for 4th of July. (Also, there was a chapter in Tom Sawyer called “We Ambuscade the Arabs”… but I remember it being pronounced “A-Rabs,” like Connie said it. Everything ties together, on this show. Nothing is a throwaway.)

Don approaches his red front door. He picks a rose for Betty? Oh, it’s for Sally. From the fairies/Baby Gene. And she’s asleep, so he puts it on her desk.

Don’s in his room, taking off his tie, when Sally wakes up screaming bloody murder. It wakes the baby, and Betty brings him into Sally’s room. Sally screams even more when she sees the baby, and tries to hide in Don’s arms. “Get him out, Daddy!”

The dog comes in, barking. I didn’t remember them having a dog. “I don’t even know why to say,” Betty says, irritated. She leaves with the Baby Gene, which is totally a doll. Don comforts Sally.

Don: Calm down. Tell me what’s going on.

Sally: Grandpa Gene. He’s not supposed to be here anymore.

Don: He’s not.

Sally: He’s called Gene, he sleeps in his room, he looks just like him, and I bet when he starts talking he’s gonna sound just like him, too.

Don: He’s a baby. That’s it. I want you to go to sleep. There’s no such thing as ghosts.

Okay, this is MUCH more disturbing than the bloody foot stuff, in my opinion. I’m kind of surprised that my mom didn’t call to warn me about THIS. (Also, my theory about Baby Gene being Betty’s father-replacement is true. And… creepy? Oedipal on several levels? And Sally gets what I’m talking about.) Don goes back to his bedroom.

Don: Betts, this has to stop.

Betty: There’s nothing I can do. She’s jealous of her little brother.

Don: She’s not jealous, she’s scared, and it’s all because he has that name.

Betty accuses Don of bringing Sally into this, because he didn’t like Gene. And remember… he didn’t want the baby to be named Gene.

Betty: She’s a child, and she’ll get over it. And now you have to. He was my father, and that was his name. It’s what people do, Don. It’s how they keep the memory alive.

Don: He hated me and I hated him. That’s the memory.

The “that’s what people do” line is kind of cutting, because it highlights the fact that Don doesn’t have any family, nor does he talk about them. In some ways, Betty is calling him a non-person. And in some ways… that’s true.

Sally comes in and apologizes for waking up the baby, and Don and Sally go into the baby’s room. Don picks up Baby Gene, and sits down. He invites Sally to come over and see the baby. “You see?” he says. “It’s all right. This is your new brother. He’s only a baby. We don’t know who he is yet. We don’t know who he’s going to be. And that is a wonderful thing.”

Aw, this whole sequence is really sad. It’s getting back to the whole Don Draper/Dick Whitman thing. Don doesn’t want to remember his family. Don had to kind of re-birth himself. He was born through tragic circumstances two times over, and… it’s just kind of funny, how much he loves a clean slate.

I kind of like the idea of being able to trace yourself back a long, long way through a tradition… to know who you are from the day you’re born, to a certain extent. I mean, you can always grow from there. But maybe I’m wrong… or maybe I’m not articulating this the way I’d like to.

I feel like Don’s being a good father to Sally this season… and he’s really making an effort to try to make her not hate Baby Gene. Sally and Don actually have completely opposite feelings about the inappropriate-ness of the baby’s name. Sally doesn’t want Baby Gene to replace Grandpa Gene because he was dear to her, and Don… well, he didn’t like Gene at all, and the name’s a sour reminder, rather than a sad one.

And we end on that tableau, and a folksy song about birth and death. (I’m sure it’s famous.)

One final word about Joan: Maybe now that Harry is promoted, he can give Joan a TV job? She can’t leave the show, right?

Next on: Some ladies ask Betty if she’s suicidal. Always. Right?

xoxo…

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Posted by yapplebee

More to Bug: MORE TO LOVE Season Finale Recap

September 21, 2009
You know: Just a normal courtship.

You know: Just a normal courtship.

“More to Love” Season One Finale, Episode 8, Aired 9/15/09

Okay, by now we know that Tali won. Woo hoo. Good times. Why am I recapping this again?

For you. All for you.

And because Luke’s Granny makes me laugh.

Roomie and I were a little surprised that Tali liked Luke enough to accept his proposal, even before we watched this episode. My best guess is that filming a reality show with a man as the prize is probably a little bit like.. You know how sometimes you’ll go on a first date, and think it was just okay? But he calls you the next day, and says all the right things, so you’re flattered enough to give him another shot?

On the other hand, if he doesn’t call, you get a little bit agitated. What’s this guy’s deal? Why’d he kiss you if he didn’t want to see you again? Etc etc. Even if you didn’t have an amazing date, you feel a little let down… and sometimes that can be mistaken for actually having feelings for the loser.

Every week these “More to Love” girls go through that “is he going to pick me?” anxiety, and if he does, not only to they feel validated… but they’re closer to winning. So… I think there’s a kind of false sense adoration going on, and it’s more like the “pick me” anxiety than actual love.

In other words, is Tali just going through this syndrome of just being glad that Luke keeps calling? Because she knows that he could be eliminating her, but he’s not?

Anyway.

Here’s Santa Maria. “All-American City,” the sign at the edge of town announces. In red, white, and blue. Luke describes it as a “blue collar town.” (I’m pretty sure Thomas has described it to me as a hicksville, which explains a lot.) Luke’s finally home with his dog. Dog to Love!

Re: Malissa, Luke wonders, “Is she ready for marriage?” What about just ready for a relationship, first? Good God.

About Tali, Luke says, “I felt something shift on the inside.” Gross. And he also says something about a flower blossoming. And being from two different worlds. Blah blah. Cliches. With a “that’s what she said” twist.

“His dog is really cute,” Roomie notes, as we watch Luke and the dog frolic in a park. “Your one redeeming quality, Luke Conley.”

Tali exits a limo. Reunited with Luke! She says that she can see herself living in Santa Maria. But she just moved to New York City! Come on, Tali.

In the bright light, Tali’s hair looks totally dyed black. There aren’t any highlights, and it’s too shiny. Tali and Luke walk his dog (no, that’s not a euphemism). Tali picks up the poop! I guess that’s good practice, since she’s going to have to be Luke’s house servant. And change Luke Jr.’s poopy diapers. (Although, hopefully not Luke Jr., because we superstitious Jews don’t name babies after living people.)

Luke describes his father as “one of a kind.” “They broke the mold with my father,” he says. Eek, that feels like an Uh Oh in the making.

Tonight Tali will be meeting Luke’s father, brother, and grandmother. His parents divorced when he was nine. But we’ll see Mama Luke later.

Luke and Tali have a picnic. She says that with Luke she feels appreciated, loved, and accepted for who she is. In front of Luke, she says to herself, “Last two, Tali. You’re gonna be the one.” Luke says the show is taking its toll on him. (Oh, go cry yourself a river, Luke. You’re getting tons of play.) “That’s why you need to choose me,” Tali says. “So I’ll balance you.”

Luke says that family members (minus Mom, I think) are all devout Christians, and that they’re going to have questions about Tali’s religion. “He’s using words like devout,” Roomie says. “This could be a deal breaker.”

Agreed. In fact, SO MANY THINGS about this whole situation should be a deal breaker. But I digress.

Tali brings Luke’s family a cake. His brother is named Michael, and his father is Mike. So his family is into the whole “Jr.” thing. Good times.

OMG his dad is CRAZY. His eyes are really round and wide-open. He has the crazy-eyes! And a palsy? I don’t know, but he moves his head around a lot in his interviews. He reminds me vaguely of some actor, or character in a movie. I don’t know. Just trust me that he’s CRAZY. Roomie agrees.

Luke’s brother is bald and looks really sullen. “How come the rest of his family isn’t so fat?” Roomie asks. But I’m preoccupied with a different question: “Is the grandma’s hair a wig?” “Yeah,” Roomie says. “It’s a bad one, too. Grandma has a bad rug.”

Tali’s talks to Grandma Luke, and says that her favorite thing about Luke is that he’s genuine. “Let’s see Tali with Dad,” Roomie says. “Grandmas are like the easiest people to win over.”

Tali is wearing a cute green and white dress. She moved to NYC from Israel with $20 in her pocket? “Doubtful,” Rachel scoffs.

Papa Mike leads the family in grace. In Jesus’ name. AWK. I can tell you from personal experience. Super awk. Especially because Luke is trying to be sensitive to the whole religious differences thing.

They talk about how Tali is afraid of water, and can’t swim. She doesn’t go in pools or the ocean. But she was in the Israeli Navy? This is still confusing to me. Luke calls himself a flotation device. Ha.

Tali says that she and Luke share the same perspective on life. She was “put down” (aka made fun of?… obviously not euthanised) as a child, and became insecure. She wants to share her story and do motivational speaking for kids. Ugh, she stole my idea. (Just kidding. Sort of.)

Tali’s Judaism is going to be a “new experience” for Luke’s family. Tali talks about the weather in Israel. She says that it’s more humid in Israel, but you get in the water to cool off. But wait… I thought she was afraid of water. Did she get into a bathtub? A bucket?

Re: the different religions question, Tali says it’s important to have faith, and she wants her kids to know their heritage from both sides of the family, and to be good people. “Good answer,” Rachel says.

“Ultimately, we believe in the same God,” Luke says. He’d be “open to [the kids] getting to know [Tali's beliefs].” Open to it? Ugh. This bugs me on so many levels. I feel like it’s really easy to say that you’re open to something when nothing’s at stake yet. Later he could just say, I was open to it, but now I’m not. It sounds like his religion is going to be the boss, and if Tali wants to slip in little tidbits of Judaism… okay. Maybe.

Also, that “the same God” stuff is bullshit, too. I mean, Papa Mike just said a prayer to Jesus. Not the same. And overall, most progressive Jews in their everyday lives are more spiritual and less God-centric.

Tali thinks that ultimately the whole different-religions thing would make her stronger. She’ll definitely have to be more stubborn. Luke says, “My father’s so opinionated, but his opinion means a lot to me.” But Papa Mike is CRAZY. Like, at-first-glance, obvious insanity.

Where the fuck is Santa Maria, by the way? They arrive in a limo, but where from? All the way from the LA area? Did they fly there from Hawaii? I feel disoriented.

And here comes Malissa.

She expects to meet the family right away, which is funny because… you think she’d be happy to have some one-on-one time with him. Luke wants to find out where Malissa’s at before she meets the family. She wants to do what Luke likes, and they go to shoot some pool. At noon? Malissa says that if Luke sucks, she might have to turn him down.

Malissa is from SoCal, and thinks she could fit in in Santa Maria. Well, there are a surprising amount of hick-sy people in Southern California, so she’s probably right. (Haha, I typed “white” at first. That too.)

Malissa is really good at pool. She’s going to beat Luke. Remember the last time a girl beat Luke at sports? It was Anna, and she got eliminated that week.  Bye bye, Malissa.

“Oh my God, Malissa is a fantastic pool player,” Luke gushes. In Luke’s mind: She’s out. (Ha.)

Luke thinks that Mal is very competitive, and used to getting what she wants. You guys, that “used to getting what she wants” thing is EXACTLY what he said about Anna post-bowling, as he eliminated her. He’s such a sore loser. And a… sexist.

Luke and Malissa eat a pepperoni pizza that looks terrible. It seriously looks like plastic. They bond over how often they eat pizza. “Maybe I need glasses or something… to watch what I eat,” Malissa jokes. The bad jokes are rubbing off! But Luke doesn’t laugh.

“Luke makes dumb jokes all the time and he didn’t even laugh at her moderately funny one,” Roomie huffs. “What an ass.”

They kiss, and… the camera pans to the nasty pizza? Yuck. Weird choice.

Oh, how the family loves Malissa. “Why is Grandma dressed like she’s in the 1800s?!” Roomie says, laughing. It’s true, she’s dressed in a very long skirt. But, as Roomie also notes, “She has somewhat modern footwear.”

“You have Irish eyes,” Papa Mike says to Malissa, but I mishear it as “iron thighs.” More to Laugh!

Yet again they say grace. (This time they eat inside. Last time they were in the backyard.) They hold hands “and let the electricity flow.” That’s a Papa Mike quote. I think he did too many drugs once. “We get crazy! We’re Conleys!” Roomie says, imitating Papa Mike.

Another strange thing about Papa Mike: “His dad is looking at her so pervy,” Roomie notes. And then: “He just likes her iron thighs.”

At one point Luke’s dad makes a creepy slow motion face as he laugh/smiles, and it’s… terrifying. With the right scary music underneath, this could be an episode of “Dadzillas.”

Papa Mike interviews that Malissa is a “piece of the puzzle that’s been missing.” He thinks Mal is a perfect match, and that Luke’s decision will be easy. Ugh, Papa Mike is lusting after Malissa. He should just go ahead and propose to her.

Granny really likes Malissa. “They can churn butter together!” Roomie says. Granny was married to her husband for 52 years. Aw, that’s sweet. And now she lives with Crazy Mike and Morose Michael in the land of Odd.

Okay, Malissa could totally rebound with Luke’s dad. He says that he feels like he’s known Malissa his whole life. Luke thinks that Tali is intriguing and endearing, partly because it took her a long time to open up.

Rachel and I don’t get this whole, “Malissa was more open” argument.  “But Tali presented herself so well,” Rachel says. I think Papa Mike is Anti-Semitic.

“Whoever you decide is going to be the one for you in your life, it needs to be someone like Malissa,” Papa Mike says. HA! Otherwise known as, “Choose Malissa.”

“The religion conflict is Crazy Dad’s deal breaker,” Roomie says. Like I said… he’s not a fan of the Jews. I’m not even sure if he knows anything about Judaism, but… well, he said a Jesus prayer in front of Tali. That’s a good indication. At the very least, he wanted her to feel uncomfortable.

Luke interviews, “Sometimes love doesn’t make sense.” I actually think that Papa Mke’s Choose Malissa campaign made Luke realize how much he likes Tali. Oops!

Luke says he needs his mom’s help. He doesn’t constantly want to see the other girl’s face in his mind. He needs to commit. This is “one of the hardest decisions” he’s ever had to make. Only one of the hardest? His future wife? Forever and ever?

The girls are back in the house after a week… so I guess they flew from Hawaii to Santa Maria, and now back to LA? “I was not looking forward to being back in this room with you,” Malissa says to Tali. “No offense.” As we all know, saying “no offense” is the equivalent of saying, “Go ahead and be offended, because I know what I said just offended you.”

Tali is worried that she doesn’t have Luke’s family’s approval.

Somebody is here… ambush from Luke’s mom! “Luke’s mom is Diane Keaton?” Roomie asks. Seriously. Mama Luke’s name is Faith. She’s blonde and blue-eyed, and she’s dressed like a guru in all while. Her outfit is kind of like a very fancy robe. And she has an accent! A clue! Maybe she’s Swedish?

Tali says that her first thought was, “Please help me. Throw me a bone!” Haha.

Mama Faith talks to the girls. Mal is going to school for interior design? And Tali’s little title card always says that she’s a designer, but she’s actually a model? (Just like Anna!)

Mal thanks Faith for raising such a great guy. But Faith seems to see Malissa’s praise as bullshit, and she won’t take the credit. “It’s in Luke’s fabric as a person.”

“It’s hard to believe that [Faith] was married to that crazy man,” Roomie says. Maybe Faith really needed a green card?

Malissa interviews, “It’s hard to know what Faith wants.” In other words, it’s hard to bullshit Faith. Right away, there’s tension between them.

Faith is totally wrapped up in Tali’s coming-to-America story, and Malissa cuts off what Tali’s saying to go check something in the oven. Rude!

Malissa really wants to show off her domestic skills! Tali says that she’s a bad cook, but she agreed to clean the dishes. Faith is like, Hey, it’s great to get a guy to cook for you. Mal says that she and Luke will have to take turns, because she’s all about the cooking! Faith makes an I-don’t-like-Malissa face.

Luke joins them for breakfast. Faith tells them a cringe-worthy Embarrassing Mom story: “Luke was so beautiful when he was little, everyone thought he was a girl.”

Faith asks the faith question (heh), and Tali says that she’s Jewish. They have the same “what about the kids” talk that went down at Papa Mike’s house. Tali says she likes religion because it’s nice knowing that there’s something bigger than us. If you’re lost, there’s something you can turn to. Faith says that she believes two people from two different religions can share the same values. Tali interviews that that’s all she needed to hear. Relief!

Faith asks the girls why they came on the show. Tali says that she wanted to show people that love comes in all shapes and sizes. She’s always been big, and she wants to show people that there’s love for everybody. “People should respect you for who you are.”

So… Tali came here to teach people a lesson? That’s cool, I guess. But that doesn’t mean she has to get married to Luke, just to prove her point.

Malissa says she tried out for the show on a whim. There’s a drumbeat of UH OH. Mal says that she got caught up in the excitement, and refers to herself as “definitely one of the main characters here.” One of the main characters?! Um, this is supposed to be reality. Oooops. Way to make it sound like you’re here for all the wrong reasons. Malissa also says that she did it for the experience.

“It’s funny that Mal said Luke’s mom is hard to read,” Roomie says. “Since it’s so blatantly obvious that she doesn’t like Malissa.” True story.

Faith asks if the girls have dated Luke-sized guys. Luke says there aren’t too many out there. But Tali says she has dated a big guy. Twist! She doesn’t care about size– she wants a guy who appreciates her intellectually.

Faith asks Tali if they can have a private conversation. Ooooh. They go out into the yard.

Tali is modeling right now? The first day she was in NYC, she walked the city for 9 hours with her resume. Tali says, “I never thought I’d do anything that has to do with modeling in my life. But she wants to do it to be a role model for teenagers.” “That’s beautiful,” Faith replies. Aww, they’re in love.

Tali says she’s been blown away by Luke. Faith says that she can see Tali fitting into the family. Well, at least Tali and Luke can spend the holidays with Faith. One sane parent is enough?

Tali says that meeting Faith has given her a better view of who Luke is. And apparently Luke is close with his mom, so… that’s good. I kind of want to hang out with Faith. She seems very Zen, in her all white fancy-robe. Tali interviews that Luke is more like his mom than his dad. Thank goodness, or else… this show would be called “More to Institutionalize.”

Back at table, Faith finds out that Mal recently put on the weight… partying. Greeaaaat. On the other hand, Tali says she was always heavier, and didn’t come out of her shell until she was 22. I can identify with that.

Next, Mal and Faith have their little chat-a-roo. Mal says that her mom died when she was ten years old, and that she wishes she could have her mom around to help with her wedding. Faith says that someone will step in and act as Malissa’s mom when the time comes. She says this with such certitude that it weirded me out at first, but now that I think about it… she’s right.

I think that Faith kind of thought that Malissa was trying to pull a weird little pity thing, and it is kind of funny to be like, Now that I might be getting married, I miss her.

Malissa’s dad remarried, but divorced that wife. I mean, we kind of know that Malissa had a rough upbringing, after meeting her sisters. Faith says that Luke has very definite ideas about family. Ooh, that’s kind of a burn. Malissa can’t help her childhood. And… Luke’s parents were divorced too. Double standard, or what?

Mal’s cheeks are really red. Faith says that Malissa seems like a well-rounded young woman… but she can’t think of her as a future daughter-in-law, at this point.

Luke and his mom talk about the girl. “They’re both very warm and at ease with who they are,” Faith says.

Faith thinks Tali is amazing, and highlights her ability to be alone in a foreign country. Tali mentioned many times that she is stubborn, but that it helps her be strong. “Tali would be a good wife for anyone,” Faith says. “And an asset to Luke.”

Faith calls Malissa “lighter-hearted,” and notes that she had a different childhood experience. “What do you think would be good about Malissa and I being together?” Luke asks. Faith is silent, and frowns. Okay, there’s your answer.

Now it’s time for Faith to leave. “I know that you’ll make a good decision,” she tells Luke.

Now Luke is really torn. He thought that bringing Tali and Malissa to his family would help clarify his decision, but it only made it more difficult.

OH MY GOD, we are only one hour in. There is still a full hour to go. This is taking forever!

The girls each get one last meeting with Luke before the proposal/elimination. Tali wears gray lipstick? At least, her lips look kind of gray. She’s wearing a cute yellow top with a belt. A belt! After my own heart!

Tali interviews that she has been burned so many times before when she says, “I’m falling for you” first. She hates not saying it, because Luke’s so genuine with her. She has to protect her heart.

“Did you feel differently about the way my mother was asking the religion questions than my father?” Luke asks. Well, duh. Tali says that she felt more closure after she met Luke’s mom.

Luke feeds Tali a maraschino cherry. Gross on several levesl. “You’ve gotta bite it,” he says. I don’t get why guys say “bite it” in a sexy way. Eventually a dirty-talking guy is going to say that at the wrong time and get his penis bitten off.

Tali asks Luke if he has any last concerns. He asks if she could she see herself moving to California. Tali says that she could definitely see that happening. “It doesn’t mean I’m giving up my dreams, I’m just changing the location.” Um, I think it’s easier to follow your dream of being a model (or whatever) in NYC vs. Santa Maria.

“I think you’re very wise, and you’re gonna make the right decision,” Tali tells Luke. “She’s probably sitting right next to you.”

Tali says she can’t really ask about Mal– she can just hope what they have is strong enough. “This is probably the longest I’ve had to wait for something in my life.” Really, Tali? People keep making these superlative claims, and I don’t buy it. This show was only about a month long. I’ve had to wait longer for almost everything I’ve wanted in my life. Seriously.

“This is boring!” Roomie declares.

Tali and Luke confess their love for each other. “I wanted to wait, but I can’t,” Tali says. (That’s what she said.) (It’s subtitled.) (Because they are whispering.) They make out.

The whole “I love you” thing is kind of surprising, because I know that “The Bachelor” (which has the same producer) won’t allow the bachelor to declare his love until the proposal. But this is “More to Love.” It’s more in every way!

Tali was in love before, but never like this. “This is actually happening to me,” Tali says to Luke. It’s kind of cute. She thinks that because of her weight, she never felt like the other person cared about her. Tali says that love is “something I gave up on a long time ago.”

“She gave up on love, and she’s only 26?” Roomie asks, incredulous. “How can someone so pretty have such low self esteem? I don’t think she knows how good looking she is.” I can understand a pretty person having low self-esteem, but I can’t understand the giving-up-on-love-in-one’s-early-twenties part of it.

Luke interviews that he loves both girls. But he thinks there is a diff between loving and being in love. He’s going into his date with Mal with an open heart and mind.

Malissa interviews, “No matter how strong your feelings are for someone, you might not be the one for them.” That has happened to her before. “Ultimately I just want him to be happy.” That’s… not bad, Malissa. You’re going to be okay.

Luke says, “Marriage is something I take very seriously. When I get married, we’re going to be together ’til death do us part.” Or else!

Oooh, Mal got the night date. She’s sunburned with tan lines, and her strapless dress doesn’t fit her top. Bad call.

“Size up! Nobody else will know,” Roomie shouts, re: Malissa’s ill-fitting dress. That’s excellent advice, by the by.

Luke is still waiting for Malissa to put herself out there and be vulnerable. That’s what he was looking for last week… maybe it’s just not going to happen.

Luke: Don’t be bashful. You can tell me whatever’s in your heart.

Malissa: You are.

If the corny lines are any indication, Malissa and Luke are meant for each other.

Mal is scared. She doesn’t want to be wrong about what she’s thinking and feeling. The fact that Malissa wants Luke happy tells him everything he needs to know. “I feel confident that I’ll be very happy with you in my life,” Luke says. YOU LIE!

“If you ask me to marry you: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes,” Malissa says. Hahaha, that’s what Sookie said on “True Blood,” when she and Hugo got fake-engaged. And he turned out to be terrible!

“Sick,” Roomie says. “People don’t say that in real life.” I don’t know… I might. But, probably in a joking way.

And then this happens: Malissa says, “You’re not getting rid of me anytime soon.”

“Just tomorrow,” Roomie quips. And then, in a moment of reflection. “I miss Heather. And Bonnie.” Me too!

Malissa tells Luke, “You are, by far, the most amazing guy I’ve ever met.”

“You need to get out more,” Roomie quips. I kind of wish she could have been there with them. Rach could have talked some major sense into these peeps.

Malissa says that if she and Luke can have feelings for each other under these “odd” circumstances, the future is going to be so great. And Luke agrees! They confess their love, once again girl-first. “You’re very special to me,” Luke tells Malissa. But not special enough!

“What an asshole!” Rach says. “This is the same day, right? He tells two women he loves them in the same day. He’s a big fat dickhead!” (This is even funnier because her mouth is full of ice cream.)

Luke interviews that two women giving him their hearts is flattering and a burden. Mal says she has been “struck by love.” Hahaha.

“I don’t know what to expect tomorrow,” Malissa says. “I just expect him to pick me.” Sad times.

Luke interviews, “My life could go in two different directions. Marriage is forever.” You don’t HAVE to marry either one of them, Luke. Haven’t you ever watched reality TV before? You choose all, none, one now and one later… whatever.

Ah, the melancholy morning of elimination. (Ha, in my notes I wrote “malancholy.” Get it? Mal-ancholy?) Luke gets out of bed. Put a shirt on, Luke! Also: Why do we need to see every excruciating step. Get on with it!

“His place is a mess,” I observe, as he makes coffee in his filthy kitchen.

Rachel schools me. “It’s representative of his mindset, Elysse.” Deep!

“I just feel like I really want to make the right decision,” Luke says. Duh-uh-uh.

Luke goes to pick out the engagement ring at a Ben Bridges jewelry store. “Do you have anything in mind?” the saleslady asks. “Actually, I’m trying to decide between two amazing girls,” Luke replies. HA. That’s a new one. Also, it shows how RIDICULOUS this show is.

Luke describes Tali and Malissa to the lady. “It’s not like one ring matches blondes and the other, brunettes,” Rachel points out.

The girls get makeovers (but not at the same time… cat fight!) from a guy in a bandanna who says, “Remember me?” I don’t remember him.

“It’s either going to be a big relief for a big disappointment,” Malissa says to the hairdresser.

Okay, so one of the rings that Luke picks has something to do with the Inuit word for “fire.” Which is kind of funny, because people only ever talk about how the Inuit have a billion words for “snow.” Oh, it’s for Malissa. I hope they have a 24-hour return policy!

On to Tali’s ring. Luke says that Tali “grew up in a war-torn country.” Um, she grew up in Israel. I don’t know if it’s accurate to classify Israel as war-torn. She didn’t grow up in Bosnia, or Sarajevo. Also… what does that have to do with the ring?

And then… I think he only buys one ring? So the ring-buying helped him make his decision? Whatever.

“This show’s making me angry,” Roomie says. “I just want it to be over.” Same!

Luke meets with Emme. Where has she been? Haha.

“She didn’t really host much, did she?” Roomie asks. We both kind of forgot about her this week. Until now.

Luke and Emme have a little sit-down-and-chat session. Luke hopes that the sad hurtle of dumping one girl doesn’t cloud over his evening. Oh wow, ouch. It’s definitely going to cloud Malissa’s evening. And… probably her whole year. (Maybe.)

UGH, now that we’re at the engagement, it hits home how LUDICROUS reality TV relationships really are. I mean, think about what a real engagement usually entails: Years of dating, a full-fledged relationship, maybe living with each other for a while, maybe even picking out the ring together. Something about Luke going to the ring shop and describing both girls just made me want to barf all over this show.

THIS is what’s crumbling the institution of marriage. It has NOTHING to do with the gays.

Mal getting ready. Roomie and I agree that despite the professional styling, she looks like a hot mess. And Tali and Malissa are both wearing hideous dresses. Malissa’s is fuschia and flowy and just seems to make her look big. And her hair is tied back. After going to a hairdresser?

“Maybe she’s had time to think about it and she feels like it’s too much too fast,” Luke says, re: the mystery girl he’s about to propose to. “Who knows? But there’s only one way to find out.”

There’s an ugly purple red carpet and sparkly silver strands of… something.

Malissa first… means Malissa’s out. “If it’s not me, my heart will break in half,” she says. Medic!

Mal walks down the longest purple carpet ever… over a swimming pool… through the house? “It’s so nice to see you. I feel so much better now,” Malissa says to Luke. Not for long!

Luke talks about how right for each other he and Mal could be. And tells her he loves her. Ugh, this is going to sting. “I do love you. But… my heart belongs to somebody else.”

Me: What’s she gonna say?

Roomie: What DO you say?… Talk about leading someone on.

Malissa: Everything felt so right. I just can’t believe I was so wrong… I think I just want to go now.

Luke walks her out, holding her hand. “He shouldn’t have told her he loved her, especially in the goodbye speech,” Rachel says. Agreed. Way to twist the knife.

They hug goodbye. “I’ve gotta go. I can’t do this.” Malissa gets into the limo, where she says, “He was everything I was looking for. So everything just felt so right and [sigh] it wasn’t. What makes her better than me, you know? What’s missing?”

Malissa didn’t expect to fall in love here. “But I did… and I was wrong.” She cries. Aw. This is sad.

“She’s real pretty, too,” Roomie says. “She’ll probably find someone better.”

Luke sits on a step on the purple carpet of love. “I knew that Mal and I couldn’t be right for each other,” he says. “Because my heart belongs to someone else.” Guess who?

“He should have asked Tali first,” I note, always the practical one. “In case she said no. And then he could have proposed to Malissa.”

“I’m in love,” Luke gushes. “And I’m ready to express that in the most profound way.” The most profound means of expression? What would that be? Ribbon dancing?

Luke feels like he and Tali could change the world together. Like Pinky and the Brain, or something.

The cut of Tali’s dress is nice, but we don’t like the pastel print or the sparkly collar (or whatever it’s called… neckline?).

“I’m more ready than ever to be Luke’s wife,” Tali says. By “ever” you mean… the month you’ve known him? “More than anything else in the world.”

“I know life has made it difficult for people like you and I to find love,” Luke speeches to Tali. “Over time, I’ve been able to watch your confidence grow. You are such a beautiful, curvy woman.”

Luke talks about the fact that he and Tali are from two different worlds, and would have obstacles to overcome. From the look on Tali’s face, you can tell that she thinks he’s about to eliminate her. But… Luke loves her for who she is.

By the way, Luke is breathing really hard. Both of them are. Readjust your mics, or something.

Luke gets down on one knee. Tali is shaking. Tali says yes, after taking a big breath and shaking her head.

And then they make out passionately. “They’re shoving their tongues down each others’ throats like a couple of teenagers,” Rachel observes. Luke picks Tali up and… they continue to kiss noisily.

“This is gross,” Rachel says. “Cut! Oh my God, stop making out and say something!”

“Thank you for being you, and having faith in me,” Tali says. “You have my heart, for good.” “You have mine,” Luke replies.

Tali: I gave up on love, was always put down for my weight, never heard “I love you” back. I couldn’t have asked for a better end… dreams do come true.

“Maybe she deserves him,” I say. I’m kind of at a loss, here. That make-out numbed my brain.

“Well they’re going to do it, with those horny kisses,” Rachel concludes. “He face-raped her.”

Luke talks about how he was so alone before he came here.

One last thought from Tali as the credits roll: “For all the big girls out there… it’s the size of your heart that really matters.”

“Next season, on More to Love… ” Rachel intones. But no, that’s it. “Oh well.”

I don’t know how to feel about this. I want to know how long they last, that’s for sure.

Um, oh– one last thing. I got an email from Emme’s people (or something like that?) telling me about what she’s up to next. So… if you love Emme, check this out. More to Love!

“The supermodel/fashion guru turned TV host is taking her skills online for a Make Yourself Over Mama Boot Camp on ParentsConnect.com. For four weeks, Emme will give first-hand tips and advice to moms on the go.”

So… that’s a little treat for all you Emme-enthusiasts. I’m still confused as to how her name is pronounced.

Wow, I just recapped a whole season of a reality show. It was only eight episodes, but still…

When is “Amazing Race” coming back?

xoxo…

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Lots of Recaps in the Pipeline

September 21, 2009

Yesterday I watched the Emmys AND recapped several shows. Right now they’re drafts that need to be cleaned up before I publish them. But… they’re not going to take too terribly long. So, over the next day or so, you can expect to see the following…

-”More to Love” finale (Okay, I watched that last Wednesday… I guess I have a mental block)

-”Mad Men” episode 306

-”Bored to Death” series premiere

-”Project Runway”… the one with the newspaper challenge

I still haven’t watched last week’s “So You Think You Can Dance,” but it was just an audition episode, right? So… we’ll see.

Sit tight! Keep checking back.

xoxo…

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BORED TO DEATH Premieres Tonight

September 20, 2009
Love these guys!

Love these guys! Look at those blue eyes.

A few bold shows (that I plan to watch) are premiering on HBO tonight, despite the Emmys. They’re flying in the face of the Emmys. Good for them! (Bad for ratings?)

“Curb Your Enthusiasm” is premiering its new season tonight. (I have mixed feelings about “Curb…” but I’m excited to see the “Seinfeld cast reunited.)

More interestingly… “Bored to Death” is having its SERIES premiere tonight. You know, the one starring Jason Schwartzman. (No, not “Yo Teach…!” That was just for FUNNY PEOPLE.) (And it was “on NBC.”)

I ordered HBO solely to have access to “True Blood,” but it’s shows like “Bored to Death” (and the movies, sort of) that are keeping me from canceling my subscription. I mean, Jason Schwartzman, Zach Galifianakis, Ted Danson, AND Brooklyn (the place, not a person)? All of them are on my “Nice” list. (Because I am Santa Claus?) I have very high hopes.

Zach’s beard looks nice and bushy in the promo pics I’ve been seeing around town. Generally, the bigger his beard, the nuttier Zach will be. As my friend Melissa once told me (in the nicest way), “Jews are just nutty about nuts.” In this case, it’s true. Color me excited.

(Oh, and there’s a new “Mad Men” on tonight. It didn’t fit into my HBO-talk, but it’s on.)

xoxo…

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The Emmys Are On TV Tonight

September 20, 2009
License to... host the Emmys.

License to... host the Emmys.

… In case you didn’t know.

I figured I’d mention TV’s biggest night of awards because… you know, this blog’s theme. (Someone please let me know if there are snacking awards. I’ll give those a shout-out, too.)

Neil Patrick Harris is the host, so at the very least… NPH goodness. He’s the best. He should host everything. And kind of DOES host everything. Didn’t he host the Tonys this year? How long until he’s hosting the Oscars? The Razzies? My next birthday party? (A girl can dream…)

How many times is he contractually obligated to mention that “How I Met Your Mother” has its season premiere tomorrow night? (Great show, by the by.)

We’ll find out…

xoxo…

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COMMUNITY is my Neighbor

September 20, 2009
Hey Chevy, youre in my hood.

Hey Chevy, you're in my 'hood.

Watching the pilot for “Community,” I was struck with an overwhelming feeling of, “I know this place!” Not community college in general, because I’ve never been, but the actual campus that we see on the show.

Well, guess what? Apparently the community college exteriors are filmed at Los Angeles City College (LACC), which is basically across the street from my apartment. (Now you know where I live. Creepy.) I’ve never walked the campus, but I’ve driven by it a million times. (And walked past it maybe… ten times. I don’t live in a particularly walking-friendly neighborhood.)

I might force Roomie to walk over there with me, later. I need to scout for myself!

That aside, I liked the pilot. I love Joel McHale. (I met him at a taping of “The Soup” once, he’s great.) I love Chevy Chase. (My dad used to know him in a vague friend-of-a-friend way, in the 1970s in NYC.) (I get the feeling that a lot of things were vague in the 1970s in NYC.)

My favorite part was Joel’s monologue, toward the end of the episode:

Joel/Jeff: You know what makes humans different from other animals?

Jock Troy: Feet!

Chevy/Pierce: Naw, come on. Bears have feet.

Joel/Jeff: We’re the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don’t even observe Shark Week, but we do. For the same reason, I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is Steve and go like this [breaks pencil]…

Abed: [Visceral] Ugh.

Joel/Jeff: And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for Screenwriting.

Chevy/Pierce: Big mistake.

Joel/Jeff: People can find the good in just about anything but themselves.

It keeps going on from there. But… the pencil named Steve thing really hit home with me. In… K-12 school, used to draw faces on pencils and make up relationship stories between them when I finished tests early in class. (And that’s part of the reason why I was not a popular kid.)

I mean, we’ve all seen THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER. Those appliances were abandoned. SO SAD. (And that’s why I can’t throw anything away.)

Especially the Blankie. Don’t even get me started. I have cried so many tears over this movie. (Also, I once lost my Blankie while moving from one house to another.) (Last week.)

Im crying right now.

I'm crying right now.

So… yeah. I will be watching next week. With my best friend. His name is Jackson, and he’s a Blender.

xoxo…

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I’m Gay for PARKS & RECREATION

September 20, 2009
Meet the cast: Mark, Tom, Leslie

Meet the characters: Mark, Tom, Leslie, Ann, Ron, April, and Andy.

“Parks and Recreation” had such a short season last year that I only caught the finale. But it’s back in the mix this year, partly because Roomie loves it, so it was on the DVR. I gotta say, I dig the opening title sequence. Great work!

Leslie (Amy Poehler) has been doing zoo promotions, and performs a wedding ceremony for two penguins. After the fact she finds out that the penguins are both male.

(Remember the famous gay penguins in San Francisco who adopted a baby and later broke up over a female penguin? Penguins: Just like celebrities!)

Everyone thinks that Leslie was making a bold political gesture, and she’s suddenly the darling of the gay community of Pawnee. A gay bar called “The Bulge” sends her a cake… and T-shirts.

Leslie: The Bulge is a gay bar? Ugh, the nights I’ve wasted there.

Oh yeah, and Aubrey Plaza is on this show. When I saw her in FUNNY PEOPLE, I didn’t think I’d ever seen her before. But… here she is. And Wikipedia tells me that she is… “April, an apathetic college intern whom Leslie hopes to inspire.”

April basically seems like the real-life version of Violet from THE INCREDIBLES. But she’s not the confident Violet at the end of the movie. She’s the moody, hair-in-her-eyes, hate-my-parents Violet.

But not today. Turns out that April is inspired by Leslie’s unintentionally political act, and brings her boyfriend (and another guy) to the office to meet Leslie.

April: This is my boyfriend, Derek. The is Derek’s boyfriend, Ben.

Leslie: Hey. Oh. Wait, sorry, what’s this situation?

April: What do you mean?

Leslie: How does this work?

April: Derek is gay but he’s straight for me but he’s gay for Ben and Ben’s really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.

Derek: It’s not that complicated.

Ben: No.

Leslie: Oh. Yeah. Sure.

Leslie (interview): The thing about youth culture is I don’t understand it.

Priceless.

Also great? Leslie has a picture of Hillary Clinton hanging in her office. I’m thinking that’s definitely a wink at the fact that Amy Poehler has very famously portrayed Hillary on “Saturday Night Live.”

Leslie finds out that The Bulge is throwing a party in her honor, and embraces her “fabulous”-ness.

But OH NO, Marsha from the Society for Family Stability Foundation (SFSF) is really mad about the gay penguin wedding. She says that if Leslie doesn’t annul the marriage, she will publicly call for Leslie’s resignation.

Over a fake penguin marriage.

Okay, this is where not watching last season gets a little confusing for me. Nurse Ann (Rashida Jones) informs us that she has ditched her annoying boyfriend (Andy) and he went to Kansas to “climb mountains.” Now she’s flirting with Mark Brendanawicz (Paul Schneider, cutie at large), who fell in a big pit (last season was all about that pit, I think) at the end of last season after kissing Leslie?

So Mark was in the hospital for a week, and now he’s flirting with Ann, not Leslie. Because… he says he was really desperate when he kissed Leslie. But Ann doesn’t want to date Mark, although she think he’s gotten nicer since he hit his head. She tells Leslie that Mark asked her out, but she won’t go out with Mark because she is Leslie’s friend. Ann and Leslie hug, and Leslie seems sad. Aw. She’s lonely.

Whew. I think that’s right. Correct me if I’m wrong.

The overarching theme of this series seems to be that Leslie is lonely and love-lorn. She’s so sweet and so… alone.

I have to give a shout-out to Roomie’s favorite line of the week:

Leslie: Hey, Brendanawicz, you big sandwich eater!

Oh yeah, Aziz Ansari is on this show. He’s great. I follow his Twitter. Good guy. He plays… Tom Haverford? Oh, thanks again, Wikipedia: He “changed his name from Aziz Abdul Al’Rahman to be more appealing in politics.” And… “Although he is married to an attractive surgeon, he still hits on women.”

When Tom/Aziz reads Leslie’s card from The Bulge, he notes that they called her “grrrrrrrrl,” with “eight Rs.” In FUNNY PEOPLE he played a comedian named Raaaaaaaandy! With eight As. Another wink? I think so.

Okay, so Leslie and Tom enter the party at The Bulge.

Leslie: I can’t believe this is a gay bar.

Tom: Yeah, especially with that heterosexual cowboy greeting us on the way in. [A very gay picture of a shirtless cowboy.]

Leslie: Where should I drink now?

Tom: There’s a bar on 8th Street called “Pitchers and Catchers,” you can go there.

Leslie: Yeah.

Leslie wants to tell the Boys of the Bulge that her “position is [she has] no position.” She is going to “regretfully decline” their invitation to honor her. But then the gays tell Leslie that she’s their hero, and she gets swept up in the party.

April brings Leslie up onto the stage and says, “She’s Leslie Knope, and she wants to recruit you.” (If you don’t know that she’s riffing on Harvey Milk…. go rent MILK, like, immediately.)

Also, how funny is it that her last name is essentially “Nope”? Poor woman. She tries so hard, but… nope. Speaking of that, April and her boys created a poster in the style of the Obama HOPE poster, except that it has Leslie’s face and says, “KNOPE.” But when Leslie is up on stage, at times the camera cuts off the poster so that it just says, “NOPE.”

Leslie tries to explain that she wasn’t trying to take a stand, but the gays are chanting her name and don’t really care. So she says, “I just have one thing to say. Together we can change Pawnee forever. Let’s dance!” And then “Boom Boom Boom” comes on, and they dance. And Leslie gets drunk.

Leslie: You know why tonight’s fun? Because everyone’s so gay. And they know how to have fun, and… the dancing! Just… it’s everyone is just who they are. And who they are is just stone-cold gay.

And then Leslie is wearing rabbit ears and singing along with “Poker Face,” into a microphone. “Blah blah blah blah!”

Leslie: There’s two bisexual guys here and I got both their phone numbers!

The next day, Leslie is still singing “Poker Face” while she sits at her computer, in the office that she shares with Tom. She had three drinks named after her at The Bulge. She’s practically the next Liza Minnelli.

Leslie: Plus Ben and Derek are taking me shopping on Saturday, and we are gonna find out my actual bra size! I guess I’m kinda like queen of the gays.

It’s so important to wear a bra that fits just right, ladies. I am forever getting resized. If you’re going to spend $50 on a bra, you’d best be sure.

Oh, the guy I haven’t mentioned yet is Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), Leslie’s boss (I guess). He tells Leslie that she has to go on TV (“Pawnee Today”) and defend herself, because anti-gay marriage Marsha “from the family thing” has called for Leslie’s resignation. NOOO!

Leslie: Why? I haven’t even officially taken a stand on gay marriage.

Ron: That’s funny. Somebody just told me you were queen of the gays.

Tom is a regular guest on Pawnee Today, and we see clips of him flirting relentlessly with the host, Joan Callamezzo.

Oh, guess who’s back? It’s Ann’s douche-ex Andy, in a suit. (Also, Ann and Andy? As in, Raggedy?) Ann asks Andy, “How was mountain climbing?” He shakes his head and says “Oh…” and looks off into the distance as if it was great, but then says, “WHAT?” Haha. What was he doing?

On Pawnee Today, Joan is obviously on Marsha’s side. Bitch! Marsha wants Leslie to annul the marriage, reimburse taxpayers for the cost of the wedding (what, twenty dollars?), and resign.

Leslie: Oh, is that it? Anything else? Want me to jump off a building, perform harakiri [sounds like "Harry Carey]…?

Marsha: Move to a different town? No, I kid.

By the way, Pawnee is in Indiana.

Leslie says that she busts her ass for the people of Pawnee, and she can’t win. Poor Leslie. Seriously, she can’t win in any category of her life. Earlier when Marsha came to her office and asked if she was married, Leslie gave the saddest and awkwardest answer about how she hopes to get married soon, but isn’t dating, and is focusing on her career. But “focusing on my career” is more or less code for: lonely and can’t find a date.

All of the call-in viewers think that Leslie should resign.

Back at Ann’s place, she comments on Andy’s fancy looks, and he says that the suit was three thousand dollars. Yeah right. He “sold out” and got a boring office job in town. But he’s really happy, and feels like he’s matured (he pronounces it like the British do: “matoored”) a lot. (Luckily, Ann calls him on that.) Andy apologizes for being a terrible boyfriend, and really thinks it would “behoove” them to give it another shot.

Ann: I’m really happy for you about your new job, and that you’re learned some new words, but I’m sure about my decision.

Andy leaves, takes off his jacket, and goes into the pit behind Ann’s house (I think), where he’s living in a tent. “The hardest thing about living in this pit is keeping my suit pressed,” he interviews. So… I guess he really does have a job? “And the rats. It’s like a freaking rat parade every night.”

PS Last season Andy broke both legs when he fell into the pit, so it’s kind of funny that he lives there now.

Andy says that he’s living close to Ann because he wants to protect her from the “weird people” who live around there. Right. Like… him.

Leslie doesn’t want to annul the penguin wedding, because it was cute. She apologizes for having fun, and for making something cute. But she will not annul! She goes and visits the penguins, and she is sad that she doesn’t have a mate. Then she goes to Ann’s and tells her that she ought to go on that date with Mark. Because… we’re all just animals!

Leslie: He might not be my gay penguin but he could be yours. [...] Don’t not do it because of me, because I’m really fine with it. [...] Plus I already called him and said that you were dying to go out with him, so have fun!

Leslie transfers the penguins to a zoo in Iowa, where gay marriage is legal… and she drives them there in child seats in the back of her car. (Don’t worry, she mists them.)

Leslie: Oh look, Six Flags! I should take them on a water slide. They might die… but it would be so cute!

And that was “Parks and Recreation.” I had a good time. (And you should watch it, because so much of the funny is in the delivery.)

xoxo…

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