The Daily Binge

L'chaim.

Yesterday I consulted a wise person about my sad-sack digestive system, and she recommended that I go to Whole Foods and get some probiotics. Meanwhile, a separate wise person was like, “Hm, maybe your eyes are dying because you NEVER TAKE YOUR CONTACTS OUT.”

Both of those wise people were women. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

So yesterday after work I made the respective treks to Target/Whole Foods (they are a few blocks apart on Santa Monica Blvd) to buy some contact solution and some refrigerated probiotics. Those things are not fun, but I spotted some more pleasant things to show you.

This almost didn’t seem photo-worthy, because it’s so obvious at this point, but why the heck not?

That's right.

Yep, Dreyer’s S’mores ice cream. Light. I have a feeling that this will be in the freezer next time I’m home (hint). It’s the kind of thing I wouldn’t buy for just me, because that’s dangerous. But it looks good. These Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light flavors are usually fairly delightful.

In the checkout line at Target this dressed up man was standing with this dressed up lady (except her dress was weird and kinda country), but then it turned out that they weren’t together? Like, he was typing his number into her phone? And he seemed creepy? And she was with her mother? And as an afterthought she called to him, “What’s your name?” And it was George. Weird.

Tourists?

I don’t usually go to Whole Foods because it’s not conveniently located and I have Trader Joe’s for touches of faux fanciness, but if I ever find out whether I AM allergic to gluten/wheat, I will definitely become its new biggest fan. They have tons of gluten-free options.

And they also have frog cookies!

Ribbit.

It’s kind of a long and you-had-to-be-there story about why frogs have been circulating in my discussions lately, but it involves Cole’s new-found interest in erotic literature (even longer story) and a passage about “darting tongues,” which to me sounds more froggish than erotic.

Also, frogs are adorable. And make me think of Passover. Adorable plagues! (Whole Foods also sells hamentaschen year-round? I didn’t realize the hamentaschen market was booming.)

I realized that many of the probiotic pills were the size of horse tranquilizers (not my thing…), so the woman working that section of the store recommended the little drinkable drink. She claimed that drinking just one container often cures whatever ails you, but told me that some people drink one container (or half… or a quarter) every day, for maintenance I guess.

Did I mention that the containers are $4 each?

But luckily… cute bag!

I wish this were full of ice cream.

I tweeted a picture of that bad and wrote, “Guess what’s in my dinner bag…”

When I got home I tweeted the picture at the top of this post and wrote, “If you guessed probiotics for my fucking sad stomach, you win.”

Then I actually drank it. Three problems. First, I didn’t see the “shake vigorously” label thingy on top. Second, it was not as cold as it could be. Third, I drank it a bit too slowly.

The lady at Whole Foods said that it would taste like yogurt. Not exactly. It tasted more like… the so-called lemonade (more like VINEGAR) that my friend gave me last year. Which was also from Whole Foods. And was maybe also probiotics. This tasted like that, mixed with vanilla rice yogurt. (And I guess vinegar-y-ness makes sense, because it’s fermented.)

But I drank it, all for my stupid stomach. And tweeted this: “I now have 50 billion live active whatevers in my stomach. They tasted like vanilla vomit. Good dinner. They better work.”

Literally 50 BILLION. That’s what it says on the label. Minimum 50 billion.

Then I ate some real food, because most of the pills said, “Take with food.”

I got up this morning, did yoga, and drank another half-container. (The lady gave me a cute little plastic top. I love freebies!) It tasted a little better colder and shaken. Maybe I’m getting used to it. (That kind of makes me sad.)

Aaand my stomach still feels more or less the same as it did yesterday. (But I also ate yogurt with wheat germ for breakfast… so if I’m lactose intolerant or allergic to wheat… yeah, that would do it.)

I was a little bit sad to see that the probiotics were made in Canada, because why would my most favorite country do this to me? O Canada! WHY? (Unless it works. Then all will be forgiven.) (But still… this is the best it can taste?)

Ah well. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’ll evaluate again after I finish these three containers.

PS The contact lens solution worked great. My eyes cried for most of the two hours that the contacts were out, because they are so codependent on the lenses now. Creepy.

xoxo…