Founders, Keepers: VAMPIRE DIARIES Episode 104

October 2, 2009
Ah, to be young and fancy-free.

Ah, to be young and fancy-free.

Episode 104, “Family Ties” Air Date 10/1/09

I like it when characters on a TV show are very self-aware and real world-savvy. They practically do all the snarking for me! I think that’s why I love Damon so much. Damon was full of great comments in last night’s episode.

But before he was quipping his quippies, Damon was making Stefan have a nightmare about Elena. In the ‘mare, Damon attacked Elena. But wouldn’t it be scarier to make Stefan dream that HE attacked Elena? Since Stefan is all about repressing his vampire urges? Whatever, Damon is great at jokes. (And sexy makeout nightmares.) He can’t be a master of all trades.

Damon reminds Stefan that drinking human blood would “even the playing field,” and then re: the football joke, asks, “Too soon?” Because Damon killed Coach Dick last week.

Stefan takes out his anger by… stabbing Damon with a dagger? Ouchies. (Tetanus-ies.) But Damon’s more annoyed about the hole in his shirt (which… is something I totally would have brought up, if Damon hadn’t done it for me). “This is John Varvatos, dude,” he says to Stefan. “Dick move.” And then he stabs Stefan with the dagger, which hurts worse for Stefan because of… lack of human blood.

Two thoughts: Why are you wearing a John Varvatos T-shirt, Damon? You could get that exact shirt at Target, Fancy Pants. Also, this scene is full of ab-revelations. Which, as we’ve already discussed, is a very important element of this show.

Stefan turns to his diary, where he muses, “How do I stop a monster without becoming one myself?” (PS Doesn’t Damon read Stefan’s diary? Be careful what you write, Stefan!)

Meanwhile, Damon framed a mountain lion, so the news reports that the beast has been captured. The weasel-esque TV reporter guy is named Logan, and he’s the reason why Elena’s Aunt Jenna left Mystic Falls, so many years ago. Yawn.

Stefan pays a morning makeout-call to Elena’s house. They kiss on her bed, until Stefan sees himself vamping out in the mirror. (Way to be narcissistic and look at yourself in the mirror while making out, Stefan.) (Also, vamping when angry or aroused? Same rule as “True Blood.” Makes sense, just sayin’.)

Elena invites Stefan to the Founders’ Party, which is a big thing in the town, and her mom was on the Heritage committee, blah blah old people stuff. Stefan says, “Salvatores don’t get invited anymore.” Oooh, why not? Intrigue. But he agrees to accompany Elena, as her date.

Damon is chillin’ on Caroline’s bed, flipping through a book as she gets dressed. (Do the girls of Mystic Falls have the most permissive/absentee parents and/or legal guardians ever, or what?) Caroline is trying on dresses for the Founders’ Party, and Damon tells her to wear the blue, because yellow is “jaundice.” Wow, Damon’s Mr. Fashion this week. He’s the Tim Gunn of vampires. Make it work! Add a scarf.

Caroline doesn’t want to invite Damon to the Founders’ Day party, because her mother is “a proud gun owner” (it will all make sense soon), but Damon uses his vampire-eyes to compel her to bring him.

Guess what’s Damon’s reading: “What’s so special about this Bella girl? Edward’s so whipped.” One of the Twilight books! Laugh out loud! But not the first one, because Caroline chastises him that he’s reading it out of order. “I miss Anne Rice,” Damon laments. “She was so on it.” (She pulled a Kirk Cameron, and is now too religious to write vampire books, or something.)

GASP. Caroline knows that Damon is a vampire! “How come you don’t sparkle?” Caroline asks him. (She WOULD ask that.)

Damon: Because I live in the real world, where vampires burn in the sun.

Ha! The real world. That’s a complicated statement, on a fictional TV show about vampires that is making fun of other fictional depictions of vampires. But… I’m all about making fun of Twilight. Carry on, Damon. (There’s something else I want to say about this, but Caroline’s about to do it for me.)

Caroline: Yeah, but you go in the sun.

Damon: I have a ring. It protects me. Long story.

Ugh, when is somebody going to tell the story? I want to know the deal with this ring!

Caroline asks if Damon’s bites are going to turn her into a vampire, as is the Twilight way. Damon tells her that to become a vampire, she’d have to feed on a vampire, die, and then feed on a human. “It’s a whole ordeal,” he tells her, rolling his eyes. “This book, by the way, has it all wrong.”

Suck on THAT, Twilight.

Sparkle-critical-analysis-of-twilight-7164540-300-344

But we just touched on some mythology that’s different than “True Blood.” In that world (and it most mythologies, I think), the process starts with the vampire biting the human. But in “Vampire Diaries,” the human has to feed from the vampire first? I guess that means the vampire has to be complicit with the turning, or else… good luck biting a vampire, feeble humans.

Damon pulls Caroline onto the bed and kisses her. “You can be very sweet when you want to be,” Caroline says. True story. Caroline asks Damon if he’s going to kill her, and he says, “Mm hm.” From this angle and with that tone of voice, he reminds me of Michael Ian Black. Ha. But first, “…there’s something I need you to do for me.”

At the Mystic Grill (not to be confused with Mystic Pizza), we find out that jerk-jock Tyler’s dad is the mayor of Mystic Falls. And Tyler hasn’t told his parents that he’s dating Vicki-the-Supposed-Slut. Etc.

At a nearby table, Bonnie is upset that Caroline is taking Damon to the Founders’ Party. Now Bonnie is the odd-witch out. (Again.) Bonnie calls Damon, “Older Sexy Danger Guy.” Caroline snarks, “Is that an official witch Twitter tweet?” I love that phrase. “Twitter-tweet.” It’s going to be all the rage, now. (Probably not.)

Thanks to Damon’s prompting, Caroline tells Bonnie about Stefan… it’s some story about how Katherine chose Damon, and then Stefan was a crazy stalker about the whole thing. Based on all of Damon’s mind games, I have to assume that Caroline only knows that Damon’s a vampire when they’re alone together? The rest of the time, I think he’s wiping her mind. Because… she’s bad at secrets.

Back at Ye Olde Salvatore Boarding House (or something like that), Uncle-But-Actually-Not-Uncle Zach comes across Damon, going through Stefan’s homework. “This country sure has dumbed down in the past hundred years,” Damon notes. THANK YOU, Damon. I’m guessing that he would be at least as appalled as I was by Stefan’s history class’ lack of date-knowledge last week.

Also: Stefan went to Harvard in the ’70s? The 1970s? I don’t know, but I thought he was living in secret. I think that Stefan and I have different definitions of the word “secret.” Maybe he just meant, not-living-in-Mystic-Falls?

Blah blah, Damon threatens Zach, Stefan walks in and saves Zach. Stefan wants to figure out a way to beat Damon without drinking human blood (just drink some human blood, for cryin’ out loud!), and Zach reveals that he’s growing the Magical Anti-Vampire Herb in some dungeon in the basement. (Because… that’s normal.)

It totally looks like Zach is growing pot. Ha. There are heat lamps and everything! So “Weeds” right now. And non-vamp Salvatores have been growing weeds in the basement dungeon for generations? (Even before heat lamp technology existed?) “Blood only goes so deep when you’re related to vampires,” Zach explains. But he’s telling Stefan because… trust? Okay.

Also, the herb is called vervain, and it’s real. It’s used in Druid rituals? Remember when Stefan mentioned that some of the original settlers of Mystic Falls were Celtic Druids? Yeah, I bet that’s not a coincidence. But Damon hasn’t let vervain grow in Mystic Falls since the 1860s. Hence, the hot-house pot-house.

Bonnie tells Elena the whole “Stefan was a stalker ex-boyfriend” story that Caroline told her in the Grill. Apparently Katherine chose Damon, but Stefan manipulated Katherine until she turned against Damon. Elena doesn’t believe it, because… obviously Damon’s side is going to be skewed. But the seed of doubt has been planted. (In the hot-house pot-house of Elena’s mind.)

Damon and Stefan get dressed for the party. Together. In case you’re keeping shirtlessness score, Damon is shirtless, and Stefan is wearing a fairly transparent wife beater-style undershirt. Stefan has some strange symbol tattooed on his shoulder, which I’m guessing is a character thing, and not a Paul Wesley thing. Or it’s both.

Stefan is drinking alcohol? (Later, we find out that it’s Scotch.) Um, can vampires drink alcohol? It’s definitely a no-go on “True Blood. In the pilot Bill ordered red wine just to have a reason to sit in Merlotte’s. (Sad.) But he couldn’t drink it. (Sadder.) The vampires drank in “Moonlight,” but that show was like a reckless Wild West town, lacking in vampire laws.

Damon: My goodness, I’ve driven you to drink.

Stefan: I can’t seem to rid myself of you. What else am I supposed to do, besides go about living my life?

Damon: “Go about living my life.” Therein lies your eternal struggle. You’re dead, dude. Get over it.

There’s another vampire rule. It might even be Rule #1. You’re dead. Get over it.

Something that Twilight, “True Blood” and “Vampire Diaries” all have is common is that the main love-interest vampire is really not a fan of being a vampire. I wish I was a human, wah wah wah. And the human girl is always lonely and isolated, and somehow different from the other girls of the town. (And, to quote last night’s “Parks & Recreation,” the girl is usually “classically hot.”)

So Elena donated a big box of family heirlooms to the Founders’ Party peeps, and Tyler’s mom calls up, all stressed out because a pocket watch is missing. Elena figures out that her little brother, druggie-head Jeremy, stole the watch. She slaps Jeremy in the face, which is really setting up a face-slapping precedent. (Last week she face-slapped Damon.)

Elena thinks that Jeremy wants to sell the watch on Ebay for drug money (didn’t that happen on some other show?), but it turns out that Jeremy was supposed to inherit it. It’s a first-born son thing. So Elena gives the watch to Jeremy, and later tells Tyler’s mom (who turns out to be a cold bitch) that she couldn’t find it.

Back to Damon and Stefan, who apparently take a girlishly long amount of time to get ready. Damon (now wearing a shirt) is admiring himself in the mirror.

Damon: It’s cool not growing old. I like being the eternal stud.

Stefan: Yes, being a 150-year-old teenager has been the height of my happiness.

The brothers talk about a long-ago Founders’ Day party, where Stefan danced with Katherine and dropped her off at home… where Damon was waiting to bang her. Damon hopes that history repeats itself this year. He toasts Stefan with a glass of the vervain-laced Scotch, then pours the contents of his glass onto the floor. That’s gonna warp the hardwood! (I know from experience.) (With water, not Scotch.)

In case you’re wondering how Stefan didn’t poison himself (“Inconceivable!”), Stefan poured himself a drink before he spiked the bottle.

Damon: I’m not some drunk sorority chick. You can’t roofie me.

Roofalin! (Actually, Rohypnol.) Now I just want to make THE HANGOVER jokes. You’re out of the wolfpack, Stefan!

I guess Damon doesn’t know where the vervain came from, or else Zach would be… dead.

Long pan across the mailbox of the Founders’ Day house. The address is 2129. What does it mean?! (Probably nothing.) Also, I think Tyler and his mayor-dad and bitch-mom live at the giant history house? Because Stefan and Damon need to be invited in, and later Tyler makes some sort of reference to living in a museum. Odd times.

Stefan, Damon, and Zach also live in a giant-home museum-esque setup, but I guess it’s in the family and they own it outright, because Zach doesn’t seem to work (other than herb-harvesting… try to say that out loud, I bet you drop the second “h”), and nobody boards in Ye Olde Boarding House. Maybe because… vampires.

Stefan tells Zach that he didn’t expect Damon to fall for the vervain. But Damon probably won’t expect Stefan to try again in the same night, which is Stefan’s plan. Lower Damon’s guard. Expect the unexpected, etc. Zach gives Stefan a double-potent vial of liquid vervain. Is Zach a scientist, or what? And who’s the Wizard of the Magic Rings?

Vicki wears yellow to the party, which… come on, jaundice! Also, Tyler’s mom wears yellow. Damon’s gonna be so pissed. Damon and Stefan are wearing the darkest colors there, because… vampires. A lot of people are wearing white after Labor Day. I thought that was way uncool, on the East Coast.

Caroline’s mom is at the party, and she’s a proud gun owner because she’s a cop. I think she’s the Sheriff, even. She comments that Damon is a little old for Caroline, which is haha because… TV teens are always old. But I think Damon’s supposed to look like he’s in his 20s, so… whatever, still funny.

Caroline’s Mom: Where’s your dad?

Caroline: Memphis. With Stephen.

I’m getting the vibe that Caroline lives with her dad. Which totally explains the unsupervised sex-romps she’s been having with Damon. Also… is Caroline’s dad gay? She’s totally the Blair Waldorf of this show!

There’s a room in the Founders’ house where a bunch of artifacts are just sitting on display? That seems kind of unsafe. I mean, Elena’s family heirloom wedding rings are just sitting there, ready to be stolen. And Caroline’s cop-mom is nowhere to be seen. Too trusting, Mystic Falls!

Blah blah, Aunt Jenna agrees to go on a date with weasel-esque Reporter Logan after several scenes of back-and-forth blah blah it’s-been-a-long-time-and-people-change banter.

There’s a sort of Declaration of Mystic Falls on the wall, with a registry of the original guests at the original Founders’ Day celebration. Guess who’s on the list? Stefan and Damon. (Duh.) Maybe they should have changed their names, because… welcome to obvious-ville, population everybody-except-Elena.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit A.

Then again, all of the names on that list are the same. The original mayor was Lockwood… and the current mayor is Lockwood?! What is this town, a monarchy??

Anyway, Stefan is saved-by-the-Damon, who says that the names on the list are “the original Salvatore brothers.” Original, and extra crispy. And extra-coincidence-y. (Also, who would name their sons after two ancestral brothers who feuded terribly? That’s like naming one kid Hatfield and the other McCoy.)

Per Damon’s instructions, Caroline asks Stefan to dance with her. Stefan tries to demur that he doesn’t dance, but Damon says, “Waltz, jitterbug, moonwalk– he does it all.” Wow, live through several historic dance crazes much? (VERY much.)

(That’s a reference to an episode that I didn’t recap, where Caroline says, “Cocky much?” and Damon replies, “VERY much.”) (And then they do it.) (That was Episode 102, “Night of the Comet.”)

So Stefan has to go dance-off pants-off, and Elena is left behind with Damon, in the Room of Artifacts. Damon apologizes to Elena for being a “world-class jerk” the other night when he tried to kiss her. “My therapist says I’m acting out, trying to punish Stefan.” First of all, laugh out loud that Damon pretends that he’s going to therapy. Even more laughs if he is!

The whole therapist thing is a good tactic, because A) Would a vampire go to therapy? Nice way to humanize yourself, Damon! B) There’s something kind of hot about a guy who’s trying to work on his shit and be a better person. (Maybe that’s just me, and maybe I have issues.) (I mean, let’s be real: I do. But so do you!)

“Let’s just say that the men in the Salvatore family have been cursed with sibling rivalry,” Damon says. “It all started with the original Salvatore brothers.” (AKA the current Salvatore brothers.) I’d like for you to speak more about that, says my inner therapist. Also: Is there really a curse? What’s up with the RINGS?!

Meanwizzle, Stefan and Caroline dance. He offers her some champagne, and (IMPORTANT PLOT POINT ALERT) she drinks it.

Glug glug, Caroline hearts champagne.

Glug glug, Caroline hearts champagne.

Stefan just looks at his champagne and smiles. Okay, so NOW he can’t drink alcohol? Or did he (spoiler alert) spike all of the champagne with vervain?

Damon gives Elena a little history lesson. (HIS STORY, get it?)

Damon: The Salvatore name was practically royalty in this town. ‘Til the war. There was a battle here.

Elena: Battle of Willow Creek.

Why not “Battle of Mystic Falls?” Anyway, Damon looks surprised.

Elena: I know, we talked about it in class. Confederate soldiers fired on a church with civilians inside.

Actually, and this was in the pilot, Stefan corrected the teacher (Mr. Tanner, aka Mr. Dick) and made him aware of the civilian casualties. So… she learned about it in school, via Stefan.

Damon: What the history books left out was that the people who were killed… they weren’t there by accident. They were believed to be Union sympathizers, so some of the Founders on the Confederacy side back then wanted them rounded up and burned alive. Stefan and Damon had someone they loved very much in that church. And when they went to rescue them they were shot, murdered in cold blood.

Elena: Who was in the church that they wanted to save?

Damon: A woman, I guess. Doesn’t it always come down to the love of a woman?

Okay, this should raise a lot of questions for all of us. First of all, if you have to drink a vampire’s blood and then die to become a vampire… whose blood did Stefan and Damon drink? (Wikipedia of the books tells me that it’s Katherine’s. Let’s see if that pans out in the series.) (It could be different, since the books started in Renaissance Italy, and obviously on the TV show Stefan and Damon have Civil War origins.) (Another commonality with “True Blood.”)

My second thought is… way to spill the beans, Damon. I mean, come on, how similar do the “original” Salvatore brothers have to get to the current Salvatore brothers before Elena figures out that they’re the same? She already knows that Katherine died in a fire, and that Stefan and Damon both loved her.

Based on this story, Elena tells Damon that she can’t get in the middle of whatever’s going on between Stefan and Damon. She ought to be thisclose to figuring everything out, right? I mean, I guess I can’t be objective, since I already know what she doesn’t know.

Elena: I hope you two can work it out.

Damon: I hope so, too.

Lies. He just wants to win.

Oh, and can we talk about the way that Stefan is pronounced on this show? They all say “Steffin,” and my inclination would be to say, “Stefaahn,” as in, Stefan Urquelle. That’s all.

And Bonnie makes some witch-progress, walking around the party and making candles ignite. Spooky, scary. (When’s the Halloween episode? Which character is going to dress like a vampire? I hope it’s one of the vampires!)

Damon and Elena join Stefan and Caroline on the dance floor, and Stefan and Elena dance to Matt Nathanson’s “All We Are.” (I own it on iTunes now. Don’t judge me!) (Whatever, I am just asking to be judged, blogging and all.)

Caroline: They look so cute together.

Damon: Don’t talk, please.

So, history is repeating itself, but not the part that Damon wanted to repeat (the having-sex-with-Stefan’s-girlfriend part).

Dancing R Us.

Dancing R Us.

While Stefan and Elena dance, she asks him to tell her his side of the whole Katherine story. Elena rubs Stefan’s shoulder in a very I’m-there-for-you way. “I burden you with all of my drama,” she says. “I want you to do the same.” (A very similar conversation happened on “True Blood.” I’m not faulting this show for it, just sayin’. In both shows, it was a good scene.)

Elena is frustrated that Stefan won’t “open up” to her. She doesn’t know that much about him!

Stefan blames this all on whatever Damon must have said to Elena.

Elena: This isn’t about Damon, it’s about me trying to get to know you. Look, you’re the Mystery Guy. And I like that. But with mystery comes secrets, and this thing with Katherine.

Stefan: Let it go. I don’t want to talk about it.

Elena: Well then say something about yourself. Anything. Otherwise I’m left with nothing but what other people tell me.

Stefan toes the Damon’s-turning-you-against-me line, and Elena says, “I guess it’s working” and exits the dance floor. Come on, Stefan! Elena has a good point. You need to throw her some sort of bone (HA) that makes her feel like she’s getting to know you. Or else… it’s not really a relationship.

The creepy thing is… does Stefan care about getting to know Elena? Or is he just content to know that she looks like Katherine, and that’s that?

Elena debriefs with Bonnie in the Founders’ House. “This is my fault,” Bonnie says. “I planted doubt. I’m a doubt-planter.” Elena feels terrible because she said she wouldn’t get in the middle of the Stefan-Damon feud, and then… she did. “I got all snotty,” she sighs. (Actually… I think you were right on the money, Elena.)

Now that the museum part of the house seems to be closed, Damon has Caroline guard the door as he steals a big amber crystal out of an old box. It’s a “very important crystal,” and Damon put it in the box “a long time ago.” Caroline seems clueless enough in this scene that I think Damon wiped her brain clear of the knowledge that he’s a vampire. (For now, at least.)

“Tonight I’m taking it back, thanks to you,” Damon says. Uh oh, I think that was Caroline’s purpose. Time to (maybe) die.

Caroline and Elena retouch their makeup in the bathroom, and Elena finally looks under Caroline’s scarf and sees the bite marks. Not only on her neck, but on her back. (And probably a few other places that Elena doesn’t see.) Of course, Caroline gets agitated and leaves the bathroom with a “leave me alone!” Leave Caroline Alone!

Elena finds Damon outside, and gives him a shove. “There is something seriously wrong with you,” she tells him. “You stay away from Caroline or I will go straight to her mother. The Sheriff.” Leave Caroline Alone! Ooh, coming from anyone other than Elena, Damon would NOT tolerate this treatment. He’d just bite her… or worse.

Of course, Elena’s lecture is the nail in Caroline’s coffin (maybe). Damon heads off, looking for her.

Elena finds Stefan contemplating some big pond/fountain thing. She tells him that she takes it all back about Damon–he’s messed up. Elena tells Stefan about Caroline’s bite marks, bruises, and general confusion.

Elena: You don’t look surprised.

Stefan: Um… I’m handling it.

Elena: Handling it? Stefan, you should be having him arrested.

COME ON, ELENA. You live in a world where Twilight exists. Put two and two together, here.

Stefan says that there are things that he wants to tell Elena, but he can’t. Can’t or won’t, Stefan? CAN’T OR WON’T?? He says he may never be able to tell her what’s going on. WHAT? That better not be true. There’s only so long that the secret-identity can be secret before it’s just redonk.

Stefan asks Elena to trust him. “Trust is earned,” she says. “I can’t just magically hand it over.” You go, girl! Stefan sees Damon leading Caroline away from the party, and rushes to stop whatever’s about to happen over there. It’s all very “Super-Man.” Sorry Lois, gotta fly!

Oh yeah, Vicki felt judged at the party, so she walked away in her jaundice-yellow dress, all the way to Elena’s house, where she makes out with Jeremy. Apparently Jeremy was the only person in the whole town who didn’t attend the Founders’ Party. Good thing, too, or he wouldn’t have been on makeout stand-by.

Damon is none too happy with Caroline. Maybe he didn’t clear her mind, after all. “I swear, I didn’t tell her,” Caroline says. “I just told her that you didn’t mean to hurt me.” Damon calms down, and walks behind Caroline, so she can’t see him. He hugs her, and smells her.

“You drive me crazy, you know that,” Damon says, kissing her neck and shoulders. “It’s okay. I forgive you.” It’s all very wonderfully creepy, and the music sets exactly the right headbanging-ish, eerie tone. (It’s “Believer” by Viva Voice, from an album very appropriately titled, “Get Yr Blood Sucked Out.”)

Damon puts his hand over Caroline’s heart, briefly. I like it when vampires take note of heartbeats. That’s something they don’t have!

“Unfortunately…” Damon says, still kissing Caroline’s neck. “I am so over you now.” And he bites her! Rawr! As he drinks her blood, he lowers her to the ground. And then… Damon falls back. CHOKE!

Yeah, because Caroline drank a glass full of vervain-champagne. Stefan steps out of the shadows and spirits Damon away. Caroline sees Damon’s amber crystal on the ground, and picks it up.

Somehow Damon managed to drink Caroline’s blood without spilling any of it, because his face isn’t messy. AND a few seconds later when Elena finds Caroline, Caroline’s white frock-thing is blood-free. Now, I can suspend my disbelief to a certain extent, but this is crazy-pants. Blood is messy stuff!

But whatever, that whole sequence was awesome. I could watch it over and over. (And I have, in the name of blogging.)

Elena asks Caroline what happened, and she says, “I’m fine,” over and over. But it’s not very convincing, because Caroline is hyperventilating. Elena gives her a comforting hug, which is what Stefan did for Elena at the end of last week’s episode. Pay it forward!

Stefan and Zach lock Damon up in the dungeon-basement vervain hot-house pot-house.

But wait, here comes the TWIST:

Mayor Lockwood, his bitch-wife, Caroline’s Sheriff-Mama and Reporter Logan all sit in the Founders’ House. They need Elena’s dad’s pocket watch because… Caroline’s mom knows that the “five bodies all drained of blood” were vampire victims. “They’ve come back,” Reporter-Logan intones. He’s also going to retrieve the watch, because… bow chicka wow wow with Aunt Jenna.

But wait… if they know about vampires, wouldn’t they also know that Stefan and Damon are… the original Salvatore brothers?

Those guys are REALLY going to wish that they’d thought of aliases.

Okay, that was it. Good times. Much to ponder. Namely… WHEN is Stefan going to drink some human blood? And WHEN is Elena going to find out that the Salvatore brothers are vampires? Sooner rather than later, I hope. On both fronts. Because I feel like we’re still waiting for something to HAPPEN here. But I’m enjoying the ride, so I can’t complain.

xoxo…

Follow us on Twitter @dailybinge / Fan us on Facebook (search The Daily Binge)

1 Comment | RECAPS | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by yapplebee

A Very MAD MEN Yom Kippur

September 30, 2009
Pretty Betty.

Pretty Betty.

Episode 307 “Seven Twenty Three,” Air Date 9/27/09

Okay, same deal with the “Glee” recap. I had the best of intentions, but it kind of fell apart. Especially because I was fasting, and tired, and spoilered. But I started the recap, so… why not publish it? Right? So you’ve been warned. This starts out slow, and ends up with a two-sentence string trying to tie it all up. (Sort of.)

I have about 15 episodes of various shows to catch up on, and I’m jumping into “Mad Men” first because already two people have accidentally spoiled me. (I’m looking at you, Mom and Thomas.) Apparently last night’s episode was a doozy. (“Doozy?” Who says that anymore?) (I do? I guess.)

Oh wow, from the Previously On alone, I can tell that this is going to be a meaty episode. There’s the clip of the guy who hit on pregnant Betty (“I’m from the governor’s office”). And look, there’s the Maypole-loving teacher who called Don. And a whole bunch of business stuff.

Can we talk about “Mad Men’s” amazing opening titles? Can you think about this show without that amazing RJD2 song getting stuck in your head?

Peggy is asleep in some man’s bed. And that’s all we see! (Also… jealous.) (Or not.)

Good times?

Good times for Peggy?

Cut to… Betty, lounging on a couch or divan. It could be a therapist’s couch, but I don’t think so. She’s wearing a nice dress, and she’s… luxuriating.

Cut to… Uh oh, is that Don? Is he dead?

Bad times for Don.

Bad times for Don.

No, he’s not. Don wakes up face-down in what looks like a motel room, maybe. There are twin beds (or maybe two full beds?) with red comforters. Don’s face is all bloody!

He holds his sore neck, and… now it’s the day before, I guess. Don’s tying his die. He’s getting ready for work. So dapper and efficient, that Don.

Downstairs, and older woman is helping Betty redecorate. Don says it all looks fine, but Betty isn’t satisfied.

Betty: All you do all day at work is evaluate objects. I would like the benefit of your eye.

Wow, what a loaded statement. And objects=women, right? That’s one interpretation. Don tells Betty where they ought to move the end-table and the lamp, and he’s right. Future interior decorator? Nah, probably not.

Don and Sterling enter the elevator at work.

Sterling: I watched the sunrise today.

Don: How was it?

Sterling: Average.

Ha. Sterling tells Don that Ogilvy wrote a book called “Confessions of an Ad Man.” “It’s the book everybody writes,” Sterling says. “Only he got it published. It should be called, ‘A Thousand Reasons I’m So Great.’” (Jealous much?) (Very much.) (That’s a rip on a quote from “Vampire Diaries,” and I love it.) (The original was Caroline saying, “Cocky much?” and Damon answering, “VERY much.”)

Don is 15 minutes late, and when he gets to his office, the Fab Four (Pete, Harry, Sal, and Paul) are waiting. Don’s like, I told you guys not to hover! C’mon, guys. But they’re hovering because… Conrad Hilton is sitting in Don’s office. Don tells the guys to come back in twenty minutes. “You look great,” the secretary whispers to Don. Go get him, Tiger!

Paul: Take an hour if you need it.

Harry (angry, to Paul): He wants to look busy!

Is it just me, or does Harry seem kind of stupid this season? Maybe just naive. And the secretary’s name is Allison, because Don tells her to hold his calls. She cocks her head to one side, as if to say, “Duh.” I love her yellow dress.

“Connie” sits at Don’s desk. When you’re as rich as Conrad Hilton, you can do whatever you want! And you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to be as rich as Connie. “Nine-thirty?” Connie says, when Don comments that seeing Connie is a nice way to start the day. “It’s practically lunch.”

Connie has come to discuss a personal matter with Don, and Don sits down across from Connie, who remains in Don’s chair. “I don’t know what I’m more disturbed by,” Connie says. “The fact that you don’t have a Bible, or that there’s not a single family photo.” “I’m easily distracted,” Don replies, lighting a cigarette.

“You should have those things,” Connie insists. “They’ll make you feel better about what you do.” Connie is very observant, but he doesn’t know Don.

Connie: Start showing up on time.

Don: Maybe I’m late because I was spending time with my family, reading the Bible.

ZING!

Connie: Are you nervous, Don? I’m finding you hard to talk to.

Don: Well you caught me by surprise, Connie. I think you know that.

Connie laughs, and it kind of creeps me out. And then this creeps me out further.

Connie: You’re a married man so you’ll have to use your imagination, but uh, I have this… involvement. I can’t say it’s perfect, and my needs are being met. But I have significant needs, Don. Catch my drift?

What does he need? Prostitutes? Male prostitutes? Higher thread-count sheets? Six-ply toilet paper?

Connie: So what do I do when my eye starts to wander?

Don: Don’t you have a coterie of trusted advisors, friends, kings that might counsel you better?

Ha. True story. Don is a zing factory around Connie. He is pumping out the zings, and Connie apparently likes it. He wants Don to handle the Waldorf Astoria, the New York Hilton, and the Stadler Hilton. “It’s just New York, but my eye has definitely started to wander.” So… what is his eye wandering at? Don? Coded speak: Can get awkward.

As Connie leaves, he says, “Having me in your life is going to change things.” “I look forward to it,” Don replies. Connie says some more about young people, energy, and sharing dreams, and it feels oddly… romantic? Sexual? I think my Yom Kippur fast is making me a little bit giddy. (Maybe that’s not the right word.)

After Connie exits, the office claps for Don.

Betty sits in her new living room with some Ladies Who Lunch. “I cannot believe you just had a baby AND you redid your house,” one woman says. “Are you suicidal?” Oh, so it was a joke. In the Next Week On, they made that line seem serious. (NEVER TRUST PROMOS.) Betty is interested in replacing Francine as secretary of… Pleasantville? (They really refer to a “Pleasantville.” That’s not even snark.) Oh, the Junior League.

The ladies want to appeal to the governor about… something something water. Blah blah blah. “The Rockefellers own half the land here,” one woman says. Ooh, that’s interesting. (Also, Rockefeller is the governor.) “Real estate,” another lady says. “That’s scary.” Really? (Were female real estate agents common back then?)

Guess who knows someone in the governor’s office? Betty does! That guy from the party who hit on pregnant-Betty. Henry Francis. “I know who he is,” one woman says. “He used to be the Republican Party chair for Westchester County. I know him.” But she thinks they have a better chance if Betty calls. Because Betty is the prettiest. Duh.

“It’s not adorable to pretend like you’re not adorable,” says another lady.

There are only three ladies other than Betty, by the by. I just don’t know their names.

Don and the Fab Four are having a meeting about jai alai. Don wants to start in Miami.

Pete: Hoho wants it everywhere. He just bought land in Seattle. It’s an indoor city.

Okay, don’t tell me that “Hoho wants it everywhere” isn’t a little bit dirty.

But really, the guys want to know about Connie. All that Don will say is that he met Connie at a party. Don Draper, Man of Mystery. (As usual.)

Okay guys, sorry to poop out, but let’s speed this up.

Want to know the Drapers’ phone number? It’s Wilson 4, 8038. You don’t need to 555 it when the phone numbers of the period don’t exist anymore. I DARE you to prank call Wilson 4, 8038. Not gonna happen!

I don’t think we knew this before, but the Drapers live in Ossining, NY. It’s a town in Westchester County. (Thanks again, Wikipedia!)

And that’s as far as I got! But here’s a very quick recap of what else happened, off the top of my head…

Um, Betty had lunch with Henry Francis (and Bobby accidentally hung up on Henry when he called the house, which only cemented Betty’s hatred of her children), and he told her to buy an antique fainting couch, and she did. But it looked terrible in her living room! (They are totally going to have sex. They rain-checked a hike to some reservoir. Sex in the woods.)

Don got into an argument with… everybody, because he didn’t want to be tied down by a contract, and ended up driving drunk (and smashing the empty glass out his window) and taking pills while driving and getting grifted by some drifters on their way to Niagara Falls (supposedly, to get married so that the guy could avoid the Vietnam draft).

Don hallucinated that he saw his dad while he was in a motel room with the grifters, but for a moment I wondered whether he was seeing the real Don Draper. Until the hallucination started drinking moonshine. (He lifted it with one hand, and supported it with the crook of his other arm. It was weird, and specific.)

Archie Whitman, drinker-of-moonshine.

Archie Whitman, drinker-of-moonshine.

Also, Sally’s teacher hit on Don HARDCORE during an eclipse, and I think it was a turn-off for him, because he’s all about discretion. But we’ll see. And Don looked at the eclipse with his sunglasses on. No pinhole viewer thingy for Don! (He didn’t go blind, in case you were worried.) (Or has he been blind the whole time? METAPHORS.)

Eventually Don agreed to sign the contract and Cooper sat at Don’s desk (everybody’s sitting at Don’s desk this week!), but Don doesn’t want to deal with Sterling at all. Ooh, all because of Jane? Or because Sterling called the house and tried to get Betty to convince Don to sign the contract? Anyway, Don is not a fan of Sterling right now, probably because Sterling is the opposite of mysterious. Sterling’s transparent philandering makes all secret philanderers’ wives get suspicious! Or something like that.

Peggy and Pete get gifts from Duck. Pete gets cigars (ha, Freudian) and Peggy gets an Hermes scarf, which she LOVES. Pete wants her to give it back, and Peggy goes to a hotel to give it back to the Hermes people (because Duck’s new agency is too ugly to host clients there?), but ends up having sex with Duck.

I can't believe I had sex with a man named Duck. Let's do it again.

I can't believe I had sex with a man named Duck. Let's do it again.

Ha, she’s still wearing her watch? She’s a woman after my own heart. (I am very attached to my watch.) (Not literally) (Yet.)

I think Peggy did it (heh) because Don yelled at her (again), and told her that any full-grown man would love to have her job (sexist) when she tried to ask for a place on the Hilton account.

Oh yeah, Duck is apparently sober again (good for him), but he says, “I can taste the alcohol on your breath” when he kisses Peggy, which is so vampire of him. (Vampire Bill once said to Sookie, “I can smell the sunlight on your skin.”)

Basically, Peggy is totally lonely. Duck is the only person paying any attention to her right now. Sure he’s using her, but at least he’s making her feel special. (SOB.) Seriously, nobody even notices when she wears the same outfit to work the next day. (JOAN would have noticed.) (Where’s Joan?)

And that’s more or less what happened. And we went back to those maybe-flashback scenes several times. But they made more and more sense, as it went along and the mysteries became less mysterious.

xoxo…

Follow us on Twitter @dailybinge / Fan us on Facebook (search The Daily Binge)

Leave a Comment » | RECAPS | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by yapplebee

Half-Baked Recap: GLEE, Interrupted

September 30, 2009
Put your hands up!

Put your hands up!

You guys. It has been a full week since the last episode of “Glee” aired (“Preggers,” Air Date 9/23/09). I don’t know if I’ll ever finish the recap, at the rate I was going. So… here’s what I started. Just because… why not? I started it, I might as well publish what I have.

This week’s episode starts with Kurt, Tina, and Some Blonde Girl (Brit?) doing a fierce recreation of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” dance, as recorded by a static camera. And yet, we see black-and-white shots from all angles. Creative license!

Is it just me, or do the opening strains of that song kind of sound like dolphins or porpoises? Anyway…

I gotta say, it was a bold choice to structure this episode around “Single Ladies,” since this was probably shot several months ago. I bet the forces that Glee were pumped when the whole Kanye VMAs incident brought this song back into the spotlight. Kurt is re-creating “one of the the best videos of all time.”

“Yo Kurt, I’m gonna let you finish your dance, but Beyonce’s version of this dance was one of the best of all time!” -Kanye

Oh wait, Kurt doesn’t get to finish, because his dad comes in and turns off the music. And his dad is that guy from “Yes, Dear.” Mike O’Malley. He kind of looks like he could be Jimmy Kimmel’s brother, doesn’t he? Anyway, Kurt’s dad is wearing flannel, and says that he came home early to watch “Deadliest Catch.” But… I thought that Kurt’s dad would be ritzier. Wasn’t Kurt driving some expensive SUV last week?

Oh well, it’s Ohio. Maybe things are different there.

Kurt and the girls are practicing in… the basement? I don’t know, it’s a room with cinder block walls, and it’s painted all white, with a white couch. Weird.

Long story short, Kurt and the girls tell his dad that he’s the new kicker on the football team, to try to explain why he’s wearing a unitard. (It’s not just a unitard. There are also sequins.) Kurt’s dad played football “in JC, before I busted my knee, popping wheelies on my dirt bike.” Really? There is something incongruous about Kurt’s dad, here.

Kurt does this awkward laugh that kind of reminds me of that alien in GALAXY QUEST… but I can’t find the clip, so if you don’t know what I’m talking about… it’s a good movie, you should rent it.

Kurt’s dad asks if one of the girls is Kurt’s girlfriend. He yanks Tina toward him and says, “But I’m not ready to be exclusive yet.”

Now Kurt has to join the team, because his dad wants to go to the first game. OH NO.

Terry’s sister, Kendra, gives Will and Terry the “facts” about giving birth.

Kendra: Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies. It is bloody, and bestial, and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.

Jigga-WHAT?! Also…

Kendra: Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boy-howdy in five months.

Who talks like that? Is she Texan or something? Cowboy boots? Boy-howdy? Also: Terry is supposed to be four months pregnant. Good fact to remember.

Kendra wants to show Will how to rub the gas bubbles out of Terry’s stomach (“You’ll like it. Phil still does it to me. Feels great.”) Terry freaks out at the prospect of Will touching her stomach, and sends him out of the room. Kendra reassures her that all the gory labor talk was just to make Will feel guilty for the rest of his life. Ha.

Terry tells Kendra that she’s having a hysterical pregnancy, and the she hasn’t told Will the truth because, “He already has one foot out the door. This baby’s the only reason he’s still here.” She shows Kendra the pillow she’s been wearing on her stomach.

Okay, five second pause here. Terry has been wearing a pillow on her stomach day and night? And not once, during the night, or in the bathroom, or whatever, has Will seen a glimpse of this pillow, or touched Terry’s stomach? I find that very hard to believe. Unless they… whatever.

“What do you think he’s going to do when he finds out you lied?” Kendra asks. Terry gets a bit hysterical, which is… ha. Terry decides that she has to tell Will the truth, but Kendra stops her. “Dishonesty is food to a marriage. It will die without it.” Ugh, don’t take advice from Kendra. She’s nutty, and she says “boy-howdy.” “The solution is clear,” Kendra says. “We’re gonna have to get you a baby.” Uh oh. Cue kidnapping? What is this, Lifetime Movie Network?

Will walks into the faculty lunchroom, where his only option is to sit with Ken Tanaka and Emma. Awkward. This is the first of many scenes that gets really subjective with visuals and/or sound, and I appreciate that kind of experimentation on network TV.

Ken calls Emma “sweetie” in conversation, which is funny. He’s also surprisingly insightful about why she likes to watch the local news. “That’s because disasters freak you out yet fascinate you at the same time, sweetie. So you like the local news because this way you can experience them from the safety of your condo.”

Anyway, it turns out that Coach Sue has a new segment on the local news called “Sue’s Corner.” The segment that we see is all about caning.

Sue: You know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who’s safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition, and they’ll tell you one thing: Caning works. And I think it’s about time we did a little more of it right here.

Um, excuse me? She’s insane. Why did she even choose caning as a topic of discussion?

Sue: And to all those naysayers out there who say, “That’s illegal. You can’t strike children on their bare buttocks with a razor-sharp bamboo sticks.” Well to them I say, “Yes we CANE.”

Wait, “Yes we CANE”? Didn’t she just say that it’s illegal? So confused right now.

Just as Will is asking why Sue got a segment on the local news, Sue enters the faculty lounge and says that she’s got it because she’s a “local celebrity who’s been written up twice on the sports page of USA Today.” She makes Ken pull out her chair, because her “hand’s still sore from signing autographs at the Donut Hole this morning. Brought you some holes I couldn’t finish.” Ha.

Sue spouts out some lingo about how the “overnights were through the roof.” And she calls Emma “Alma.” How many more similar-but-not-correct names does she have up her sleeve?

Sue: You know, I wasn’t always in the spotlight. But I didn’t want to end up stuck at a lousy high school, [at Emma:] wrestling with mental illness. [at Ken:] Or forty and single, coaching the worst football team in the history of our state. [at Will:] Or having to go to the salon every week to have my hair permed.

Hahaha, what? If Will gets his hair permed every week, that is hilarious. But his hair looks great, so…

Sue: I didn’t want to have to do that to myself. So I sent out my resume, and I am so happy to tell you that I am bustin’ out of my box!

Bustin’ out of her box? Gross.

AND THAT’S IT! I had more to say about the rest of the episode, but I didn’t have time to blog. Perhaps someday I’ll come back and finish this, or at least give you a quick fill-in. But let’s be honest– most of the people who read the recaps, watch the show anyway. Life is weird that way.

Okay, fine. I’ll give you a really quick fill-in… but I can’t remember it very well.

Basically, Finn’s girlfriend (Quinn) is pregnant, even though she’s the president of the Abstinence Club and they’ve never had sex. She tells Finn that she got pregnant when he ejaculated in the hot tub (ha), but really it’s bad-boy Puck’s baby. Quinn and Puck had sex one day because Puck got Quinn drunk on wine coolers, and she felt fat. Great reasons.

Also, Puck’s real name is Noah? I think he’s Jewish? Okay.

And now Terri (yeah, I’ve been spelling it wrong– also Catherine on “Vampire Diaries” is Katherine… oops) is going to give Quinn vitamins, and later take the baby as her own. Even though… Terri is due in five months. And Quinn is probably due in… more than six months. Whoops!

In other news, Sandy the creepy ex-Glee teacher lives in a house of horrors and walks around in a very short kimono. Sue brings him back to the school (she blackmails Figgins with a crazy airline yoga video that he once starred in) and they cast Rachel in “Cabaret,” to lure her away from Glee. Rachel wants to sing a “West Side Story” song in some Glee number, but Will resolutely gives the solo to Tina. Because… life lessons in humility. Stuff like that. But Rachel isn’t big on humility.

I really want to go back and transcribe Sue’s dialogue, especially in Sandy’s house. It’s a hoot.

Whew. I feel better now. I’ve fulfilled my civic duty.

xoxo…

Follow us on Twitter @dailybinge / Fan us on Facebook (search The Daily Binge)

Leave a Comment » | RECAPS | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by yapplebee

Friday Night Bites: VAMPIRE DIARIES Episode 103 Recap

September 26, 2009
Elena and Damon. Faces to know.

Elena and Damon. Faces to know.

“Friday Night Bites,” Episode 103. Air Date 9/25/09

With a title like “Friday Night Bites,” why should I bother making up something else? Good title. Binge-approved.

Please direct your attention to the man in the photo at the top of this post. That’s Damon (as in Demon, Damien, etc), the “evil” vampire brother (with a heart of gold… or not). Thing is, Damon is also the wittiest guy in town. And, obviously, handsome.

Imagine that you wake up in the morning, a little bit discombobulated, with a hot, shirtless Damon sleeping next to you. You know that he seduced you last night, and that you had hot, steamy sex. But then… he bit you!? Your neck is all bloody. He’s probably a vampire or something.

What would you do, if you woke up with a sexy probably-vampire in your bed? (I know what I would do.)

This is the question that blonde head-cheerleader Caroline faces in the opening scene of this episode. But she doesn’t take time to weigh the options. She just flips and quietly tries to escape.

Before I forget: Everyone pronounces “Caroline” differently. At the beginning, Bonnie pronounces it like “Carolyn,” but later the vamp brothers say “Caro-LINE.” Work it out! (Actually, that kind of feels realistic, in the sense that Caroline is a name that can go either way.)

Anyway, Caroline doesn’t escape, because when she looks back at the bed, Damon is gone. And then he’s RIGHT NEXT TO HER. Scary music! Caroline freaks and throws a lamp at Damon, among other breakables. “This could have gone a completely different way,” Damon sighs playfully.

Ugh, you guys. I totally feel for Damon right now. I mean, I know he’s supposed to be the bad guy or whatever, but… he wouldn’t have had to do what he’s about to do if Caroline had just said, “Hey, I realize that you’re a vampire. Thanks for letting me live. I think you’re cute. Let’s do this again sometime.”

But I always sympathize with the vampires. They’re tragic figures, in my opinion.

So Damon bites Caroline (again), and we’re supposed to think that he kills her this time? Maybe. But really, he glamours her (I don’t know what it’s called in this universe, but I’ll stick to the “True Blood” terminology until somebody corrects me) into forgetting about the biting. Much later in the episode, Damon drives Caroline to school in his cool old car. Because they are a couple now. For now. And Caroline starts wearing scarves, but she doesn’t know WHY.

After maybe-psychic Bonnie got a crazy vibe from Stefan last week, she warns Elena to be careful. Stefan walks up and scares Bonnie away. Nearby, football players Matt (Elena’s love-lorn ex) and Tyler (a general creep, and maybe a rapist? I need to re-watch the pilot), decide that it would be funny to nail Stefan with a football from really far away. Apparently they are very confident about their aiming abilities (ha), because if they miss they’ll break Elena’s face.

(On second viewing, Tyler throws the ball while Matt tries to stop him. Matt, you are absolved.)

But they don’t hit Elena, because Stefan catches the ball. Vampire senses sure can come in handy! Elena pesters Stefan to try out for the football team and stop being a “loner.” Finally, finally, Stefan is developing a personality. He felt kind of wooden in the first two episodes, but tonight he’s cracking a few jokes. Don’t let Damon have all the fun (lines)!

(On second viewing of episodes one and two, Stefan wasn’t as wooden as I remembered. Stefan, you are absolved.)

Elena and Stefan have history with a totally dick teacher. In the past two episodes he has been a dick to… everyone. He even told Elena’s aunt that she was doing a terrible job as a caregiver. That’s crossing a line.

In the pilot, Stefan corrected the history teacher because… he has lived for a long time. He knows his shit. Tonight Mr. Dick (not his real character name, but whatever) is quizzing the students about WWII-related dates. I think that everybody ought to know when the bombing of Pearl Harbor happened, but Elena doesn’t, so Stefan answers for her: December 7th, 1941.

Dear students of the imaginary “Vampire Diaries” high school: You are dumb.

For some reason the history teacher is astonished that Stefan had the answer, and Stefan says, “I’m good with dates, Sir.” (That’s kind of a double entendre. Stefan should have leaned over and winked at Elena. “Get it? I’m great at going on dates. The best. Wanna go out sometime?”)

So Mr. (Small) Dick and Stefan have a date-off, where Mr. Dick says an event and Stefan has to say when it happened. But… none of the events are particularly obscure. Brown v. The Board of Education. The Kennedy Assassination. MLK’s Assassination. I mean, come on, kids. Learn some history. At any rate, Mr. Dick is shocked and impressed, and finally Stefan outsmarts him by knowing when the Korean War ended.

My favorite part of the scene is that when Mr. Dick and Stefan disagree on when the Korean war ended and Mr. Dick shouts, “Look it up!” at the class, the first guy to say that Stefan is right is looking at his phone. History books are for old people. Hip teens use the Wikipedia on their Blackberries. It’s faster! (And the Korean War ended in 1953, not 1952.)

And guess what? Maybe Mr. Dick is kind of bad at history because he’s also Coach Dick. He coaches the football team. And the football team sucks. Ugh, Coach Dick has a shitty life. (Wow, sucks… dick… shitty? This is getting out of hand.)

Stefan goes to Coach Dick and asks to try out for the team… presumably to impress Elena. Earlier in the episode, Stefan told Elena that he loves football, and that he played a long time ago. Now he tells Coach Dick that he used to play wide receiver. But… the very first words we heard of this episode were Stefan saying, “For over a century, I lived in secret…”

So, he lived in secret and played football? Because American football started in the late 1800s, which gives Stefan a pretty narrow window to have played before he went into hiding. Just sayin’.

But yeah, Stefan used to play football. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

Olde-timey football nerds.

Olde-timey football nerds.

Coach Dick lets Stefan try out because he wants to see Tyler and Matt kick the shit out of Stefan. I don’t call him Coach Dick for nothin’. Apparently, Stefan does a great job at tryouts? I can’t really tell which player he is, because of the helmets. He’s wearing black gloves, presumably to protect his magical Day-Walking Ring?

Toward the end of practice, Tyler and Matt ambush Stefan, and he lets them knock him over, because… to avoid suspicion of his super-human vampire abilities. He breaks his finger, but it heals super-fast. Foreshadowing! (At first when he took off his glove, I thought that his ring had fallen off. That would have been a much bigger UH OH. Like, a turning-to-dust UH OH.)

And Elena is watching this whole tryout because she sucks at cheerleading now (she didn’t go to summer cheer camp, because… dead parents), so Caroline told her to fall out of formation.

When Stefan gets home, he finds Damon reading his diary. “Very Emerson, the way you reveal your soul.” Damon teases Stefan. “So many… adjectives.” Ha! Also: Do vampires have souls, in the world of “Vampire Diaries”? I mean, I think that pretty much everything has a soul, even vampires who say that they don’t have souls. In fact, the more they protest, the more likely they are to secretly be big softies.

Anyway, Stefan and Damon fight a lot. And Damon is always zinging Stefan with witty zingers. You got told, Stefan!

Elena decided that the best way to make Bonnie like Stefan is to invite both of them over for dinner. Conveniently, Aunt Whatever-Her-Name-Is isn’t home. (Maybe Mr. Harsh Dick was right about her parenting skills?) And in the previous scene, that human guy who lives with Stefan was absent. (Does Damon live there, too? I don’t know. I think he just skulks around at night.)

So Elena and Bonnie dump tins of greasy order-out Italian food into a salad bowl. Yum? Bonnie freaks herself out by psychically knowing where everything is located in Elena’s kitchen. But they’re best friends, so… it’s not that freaky. She says, “Birthday candles,” and then opens the drawer that contains the birthday candles. GASP! The power of Bonnie compels you.

Also, Bonnie keeps thinking of the numbers 8, 14, and 22, and drawing them everywhere, A BEAUTIFUL MIND-style.

Stefan sits not-eating a plate of food, and nobody calls him on his not-eating. I feel like somebody was supposed to say, “What’s the matter? Aren’t you hungry?” Since Elena needs to sleuth out that Stefan’s a vampire, eventually. But… maybe my thinking is cliche. Maybe I need to get with the program. It’s 2009, and if a guy isn’t eating his food… duh, nobody eats anymore. Manorexia.

Just kidding. Eat up, non-vampires.

Elena tries to break the awkwardness by telling Stefan about Bonnie’s lineage of witches, or whatever. Stefan talks about some Celtic Druids who used to live in this town (whatever their town is called), but those aren’t Bonnie’s peeps. Bonnie’s family came through Salem. You know, Salem witches. How did they stay alive, if they were Salem witches? I guess they didn’t get caught.

Okay, here is a fact but don’t hate on me: Bonnie is African American. Remember Tituba from “The Crucible?” You know, Tituba from Barbados? She didn’t get executed during the Salem witches trials, apparently. And she had at least one descendant. So… The More You Know. (Cue shooting star.)

I’m not saying that her great-grand-witches couldn’t be white. I’m just saying… Tituba! How often do you get to say that? (Or Lake Titicaca!)

Anyway, Bonnie’s kind of embarrassed when Elena tells Stefan about her witchy family. Or maybe she’s just irritated that Elena would tell scary-Stefan any somewhat-secret facts about her family. Either way, Stefan is intrigued. “Salem witches are heroic examples of individualism and non-conformity,” he says. Sort of. I feel like they’re also an example of… McCarthyism? Oh wait, I’m back on “The Crucible.”

The thing is, the women who were accused of being witches weren’t individualists so much as they were… falsely accused, and unable to defend themselves within a shoddy Puritan court system. But Bonnie likes Stefan’s spin, so now they’re friends? Sort of.

Guess who’s coming to dinner? It’s Damon and be-scarfed Caroline. Stefan tries to stop Elena from inviting Damon into the house (vampire rules!), but she doesn’t know the vampire rules and/or that Damon and Stefan are vampires, so she’s like, “Whatever, come on in.” OOPS.

The couples and odd-man-out Bonnie sit in the living room chitty-chatting. “Stefan and I have watched almost every single person we’ve ever cared about die,” Damon says. See? Vampires are the tragic-est. He accidentally-on-purpose brings up Stefan’s “ex,” long-dead (and looks-just-like-Elena) Catherine. OOPS.

Damon helps Elena load the dishwasher. (Dishwasher-loading? Deaths in the family? This is so RACHEL GETTING MARRIED, minus the multi-cultural wedding and Mather Zickel.) (I just like saying Mather Zickel. What a cool name!) (Also, Damon fairly expertly works that dishwasher. Vampires: They do dishes? Just like us!) (What are they using dishes for?)

Anyway, Damon tells Elena that she should quit cheerleading. Who needs it, anyhow? He saw her at practice, and she was obviously miserable. Aw, sensitive. See? Damon GETS Elena. (As in, understands. For now.) He’s not so bad. (But he IS so bad.) (Yum.)

Damon tells Elena that Catherine died in a fire, and based on… the powers of deduction, I guess… Elena asks which brother dated Catherine first. And she’s right, they both dated Catherine. Oooh, everybody’s psychic around here. Damon and Elena actually have a nice conversation, and she tells Damon that she’s sorry for his loss, because he obviously loved Catherine, too. Elena GETS Damon. Uh oh, love triangle! But not, because Elena doesn’t LIKE Damon, she just GETS him.

Based on the various pronunciations of “Caroline,” I decided to embark upon a quick IMDB-aided survey of who on this show is actually American. Because vampires these days are all imported from elsewhere and forced to learn regional American accents. (I’m looking at you, Vampire Bill from “True Blood” and Mick from “Moonlight.”) (I’m looking at you, adoringly.)

Turns out, Paul Wesley (Stefan) is from New Jersey, and Ian Somerhalder (Damon) is from Louisiana. Well, look at that. God Bless America. (Land that I love.) (Because we are still producing hot vampire-actors.) And don’t you worry, haters of America. There’s something for everybody on this show: Katerina Gordon (Bonnie) and Nina Dobrev (Elena) are from Switzerland and Bulgaria/Canada, respectively.

Damon is totally glamouring Caroline into being with him so that he can feed on her whenevs. Stefan is mad: Humans are not meat puppets, Damon! But as long as Damon’s feeding on Caroline and not killing anybody else… works for me. Works for Vampire Bill and Sookie on “True Blood.” But… totally different situation. For one thing, she’s knows he’s a vampire. And for two things, she’s a willing participant.

Stefan asks Damon to leave, and Damon’s happy to oblige. But… “I’ve been invited in. And I’ll come back tomorrow night, and the following night, and I’ll do with your little cheerleader whatever I want to do. Because that is what is NORMAL to me.” Ooh, Damon. That was a good speech. I really like whole “normal to me” part. Deep. Throughout the show, we’ve seen that Damon is super-annoyed that Stefan is trying to fight his vampire impulses and act like a human. Just be a normal vampire, Stefan! If you want to, I guess.

Or don’t, because it’s fun to watch you fight with Damon and lose. (Stefan is weak because he drinks cat blood or something.)

Another thing I love about Damon is that he knows what the cool kids do. At some point during this episode he says “BTW: That means by the way…” If he were as cool as me, he would have said, “BTDubs.” But that’s okay. Being not as cool as me is what’s NORMAL to Damon. (Not really. He’s way cool.)

Okay, here comes the hot part that seemed like it might be sex in the preview. Stefan and Elena are sitting on her bed, debriefing about the night. Stefan’s still pissed that Damon was there. Elena says something, and Stefan does the “Shhh” finger to Elena’s lips. Usually, that’s a hilarious move. Cole and I do this to each other all the time at work, and it cracks us up. “Shhh. No words.”

But Stefan just sort of brushes his finger against Elena’s bottom lip, and then he leans in and they start making out. I approve.

Time out for a few words from our sponsor (me). Okay, so we know that Stefan has this magic ring. Good times. And we know that Elena and Stefan made out at the end of last week’s episode. Is the ring making him feel warm to Elena? Because… isn’t it kind of a vampire trademark that they feel noticeably cold to the touch? Like wouldn’t Elena say, “You’re so cold?”

Maybe I’m just up to my neck in cliches, and it’s 2009 and we’re all past that. Maybe she didn’t notice because they were outside on a cold autumn night. (And this makeout turns out to be a dream, so it’s whatevers-ville in that regard.)

Okay, back to the hot makeout dream. There are a couple of reasons why I love this dream. A) When Stefan moves toward Elena in a wide shot, we see that his shirt is tucked in and he’s wearing a belt. Now, I’m not always a fan of that look, but it’s so proper, and looks SO GOOD on Stefan. B) When Stefan lies down on the bed (Elena on top, rawr), he has a stuffed animal under his head, and he pulls it out from under him and throws it on the floor.

Now, this is television, so you know that, in all likelihood, someone planned that stuffed animal stunt. Some propmaster picked the perfect stuffed animal, and made sure that it was there. Really nice touch, “Vampire Diaries.” No joke. That was one of the real-est things I’ve seen on TV in a while. And it’s some sort of law of physics that a stuffed animal will always get in the way while you’re trying to have a sexy makeout.

So Elena takes off her shirt (with her arms crossed, which is TV & Film’s Official Sexy Way to Remove a Shirt), and helps Stefan take off his shirt. But when his shirt crosses his face, Stefan turns into Damon. Elena SCREAAMS and jumps back off the bed. And then she wakes up sweating and gasping, and a mysterious crow is on her windowsill. (Hey, Damon.)

So… no sex for Elena and Stefan this week. But I’m not going to gripe, because… they’re in high school. They have time.

But really, Elena? Was the dream that scary? Come on. You can make out with the wrong brother in a dream. No guilt, no big.

You know what IS freaky, though? Ian Somerhalder (Damon) looks disconcertingly like Rob Lowe. Sometimes I think he IS Rob Lowe. Just a flash, and then it’s over. But still… whoa. SCREAAM!!!

Stefan and Elena meet up before the football game, and he notes that she’s not in uniform. She quit the cheer squad. Scandal! But Stefan understands. “You’re not a quitter,” he says. “You suffered a great loss. You’re not the same person.” Aw, he GETS her. I bet that throughout the course of this series, Elena is going to be torn between Stefan and Damon. (I am joking around, because every single description I read about this show says that Elena is “torn between two vampire brothers.” Thanks for the spoilers, America.)

Then he says, “You should be looking ahead. You should be starting over.” Don’t tell Elena what to do!

Elena: We’re a pair. I quit, you start.

Stefan: We’re a work in progress. We’ll figure it out.

I think I’d be attracted to my high school’s vampire, too. He’s more mature than your average guy. And full of vaguely assumptive pseudo-wisdom about their relationship.

Stefan gives Elena a necklace, which he has had “forever” (literally!) and never wanted to give to anyone else before. At least he acknowledges the potential weirdness of this gift, given that they have been dating for… two episodes. A few days? Luckily Elena accepts the necklace, because it contains a Very Special Magical Herb.

Gift of the Vamp-Guy.

Gift of the Vamp-Guy.

Thoughts: Stefan’s jersey is unrealistically form-fitting. Oh, television. (Also see: The scrubs they wear on “Grey’s Anatomy.”) But more importantly: Where are Stefan and Damon getting their magic from? A Wizard? Let’s tally it up: They both have magical Day-Walking (and maybe making them feel warm to the touch?) rings, and now there’s a magical Protection Necklace. (Always use protection.) Do all vampires have access to this much magic? Are we going to get some answers about this?

After Stefan gives Elena the necklace, they share a quick kiss. Still, no “your lips are so cold.” Hmmm. I need answers! It bugs me when vampires are not vampire-y enough. (Vampires: Just like us!)

Okay, football times are here again. Pre-game, the school has a rally with a giant bonfire, which… really? At a high school? Whatever. Coach Dick announces that Stefan is going to lead the team to victory. Way to make his teammates hate him that much more, Dick.

But then… okay, C-story time. Elena’s druggie little brother (Jeremy) is in love with Matt’s slutty little sister (Vicki). (You know, Matt: Elena’s ex, Matt.) They like to do drugs together and have sex and listen to emo music. But Vicki is embarrassed to be seen with Jeremy, who is a freshman. So… she dates Tyler, who is maybe a rapist? I really have to watch the pilot. Anyway, Tyler and Jeremy finally have a much-threatened fight, and Matt and Stefan run over to stop it. Stop it, kids!

Jeremy accidentally slashes Stefan’s hand with a bottle, and Elena sees it. Yu-uck. But when the fight ends and she runs over to him, he doesn’t want to show it to her. When she finally pries open his hand, it’s fine. He tells Elena that the residual blood must belong to somebody else. But… she doesn’t buy it.

Hmm, almost over. Oh yeah, Elena, now a bit freaked, asks Bonnie what she saw that made her afraid of Stefan to begin with. Now that Bonnie and Stefan are friends, she’s reluctant to share, but she finally reveals that when she handed Elena’s phone number to Stefan, she felt… Death.

I see dead people.

I see dead people.

I like Bonnie’s green eyes. I never noticed THAT before. Thanks, stills-from-the-CW.

Now Matt and Stefan are buds, because Matt’s like, Thanks for helping me stop that fight. Siblings do the darndest things!

In the parking lot, Damon sneaks up on Elena and apologizes for making her uncomfortable. She’s like, Um, you’re trying to make me feel uncomfortable. Damon tries to glamour Elena into kissing him, but thanks to the Magic Herb (TM) in the necklace she… does she slap him in the face? Maybe. I forget. But yeah… how Sookie of her.

Oh yeah, another theme of this episode is that Stefan wants to try to find Damon’s humanity. But Damon reads Stefan’s diary or whatever, so just to be a dick, he attacks (and kills, maybe?) Coach Dick. Just to prove that he can attack anyone! Mwahaha.

As the ambulance shows up (and animal control, because they think it was an animal attack), Bonnie sees the number 8, 14, and 22. Like… it happened next to parking space 22. Stuff like that. She’s very ZOMG! about it, but seriously… it wasn’t very helpful psychic info, if it only became vaguely significant in retrospect.

Elena’s freaked about the attack, and Stefan holds her in a long and comforting hug. Take note, boys: Hugs are important. I could have used that hug, like, 53 different times this week.

After all of his threats about what he’s going to do with Elena now that he has access to her house, Damon… stands over her while she sleeps, and touches her hair. That big softie!

And Caroline somehow got away with wearing this scarf with her cheerleading uniform, which would never fly.

I don't know why I'm wearing this scarf, but I MUST.

I don't know why I'm wearing this scarf, but I MUST.

I mean, she’s head cheerleader, but still. I have two cheerleader sisters. I know that uniformity is important. EVERYONE wears a scarf, or NOBODY wears one. (PS: Congrats to Nicole on making Homecoming court. Very soon I will be experiencing a real-life high school football game. Sadly, vampire-free.) (As far as I know.)

And how coincidental is it that the school colors are red and black? Vampire colors! (It is NOT coincidental.)

But back to Damon: I realized that the thing that makes “Twilight” an inferior vampire story is that the good vampires are always good, and the bad ones are always bad. Edward talks about what a scary guy he is, but he never does anything scary. So far Stefan is… good, and doesn’t even talk about his scary-ness. BUT Damon makes up for it with his mix of fun and frightening. And the “True Blood” vampires are all over the place: Eric winks at kids, but also… you know, lots of scary stuff. Ripping people apart.

The more surprising a vampire is, the more enjoyable.

I must have forgotten something that I wanted to say, but I ended up doing a lot more recapping than I expected (based on memory). So… we’ll talk more about this later, I’m sure.

xoxo…

Follow us on Twitter @dailybinge / Fan us on Facebook (search The Daily Binge)

4 Comments | RECAPS | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by yapplebee

BORED TO DEATH Premiere: Indulging in White W(h)ine

September 22, 2009
Check out his sleuthing jacket.

Check out his sleuthing jacket.

Episode 101, “Stockholm Syndrome” Air Date 9/20/09

In case you’re wondering whether the title of this post is a dig or a burn, I really liked this show. “Too much white wine” is a line that the main character says to describe why his girlfriend left him, and if you change wine to “whine” (which I kept doing accidentally as I typed this up), it’s very appropriate. He’s very neurotic. Er, “noir-otic.” Heh.

First of all, the opening credits are really cool. The words on the pages of a book give way to moving pictures. It reminds me of a Kindle, if the words and pictures on a Kindle moved around. (If you’ve ever seen a Kindle, they have an Etch-a-Sketch appeal.) And later we’ll find out that Zach Galifianakis’ character is a comic book artist, so it all ties in.

Jason Schwartzman is playing Jonathan Ames, which is also the name of the guy who created this show, and wrote the book that this show is based on. Just so you know.

Jonathan’s girlfriend Suzanne (Olivia Thirlby) is moving out, and she takes the bed. But she leaves a framed picture of a tree, after she thinks about taking it. As soon as the moving truck is packed up, they kiss and he tries to talk her out of leaving. It’s too little, too late.

Suzanne: I told you months ago that if we were gonna make this work, you had to stop drinking and smoking pot, and you didn’t. That was our deal.

Ugh, I feel her pain. Guys: If a girl tells you what the deal breaker is, and then later breaks up with you over it… don’t act so shocked. You were warned!

Jonathan follows Suzanne to the truck, where she climbs in with the Israeli movers. They watch Jonathan grovel.

Jonathan: I can’t help it. I still like the way pot makes me think. Maybe it’s healthy!

Suzanne: Pot is not healthy

Jonathan: They give it to cancer patients!

Suzanne: You don’t have cancer.

Jonathan: Not yet.

Wow, Jonathan and I can be the founding members of the League of Morbid Thinkers. He chases after the moving truck, to no avail. Jonathan’s neighbor (and maybe landlady) tells him, “You gotta rebound fast, that’s the best cure. Just go on Craigslist.” Woof. Not the best idea.

Jonathan tries to talk about his feelings, but the neighbor’s kid starts hitting things with a baseball bat, and she leaves him alone on the stairwell. Poor Jonathan. Well, I’m not that sad for him. But it’s sad in a human condition, people-don’t-talk-to-each-other kind of way.

Back in the apartment, Jonathan knocks over a stack of books and finds a paperback: “Farewell My Lovely” by Raymond Chandler. There’s a detective on the cover. He lies on the floor with a pillow between his legs, reading it.

Jonathan is one of those well-dressed hipsters, and reminds me so much of a few Silver Lake types I’ve known in my day. But I’m guessing he’s a Williamsburg type, since this is Brooklyn. Although… is there a new Williamsburg? Long Island City or something? I don’t know, I’m not in the Brooklyn loop. I wish.

He also drinks white wine (ha, I wrote “whine” first, which is almost more appropriate) out of a coffee mug. How Prohibition Era of him. Before the opening credits end, he opens his laptop, goes to Craigslist, and posts a listing: “Detective for Hire.”

Now, I have a little bit of an issue with this, because it feels like the whole deciding-to-be-a-detective thing happened really fast. It seems like Jonathan took action really quickly, when his girlfriend just said that he never takes action? But maybe that’s the point? I don’t know, I just thought that there would be more of a journey to the moment when he decides to be a detective, and a little bit more of a “why.” But I’m still on board. Just sayin’.

Literally the moment that he posts the ad, he gets a call. But it’s not a potential client. It’s his friend Ray. AKA Zach Galifianakis! I’m excited! And they meet at a coffee shop and sit at a counter that’s up against a window. Ugh, New York City is cool. I mean, counters up against windows exist in other cities, but I’m totally infatuated with NYC. You’ll have to forgive me.

Ray compares a bad breakup to being in a “falcon hood,” where all you can see “is complete darkness.” He asks why Jonathan didn’t tell him about what was going on.

Jonathan: I didn’t think she would actually move out. And then out of nowhere these super-efficient Israeli mover guys show. All of a sudden it’s like the Raid on Entebbe in my own apartment.

Ray: Let me, let me get my computer. What is the Raid on Entebbe?

Jonathan: It was the Israeli tactical, uh… group of people… ah, fuck it, I don’t know. You used the word “falcon hood.”

Ray: I know what a falcon hood is. Everybody knows what a falcon hood is.

Jonathan: Really?

(You guys, I’m listening to an internet radio show, and they just played a Coconut Records song. That’s Jason Schwartzman’s band. And NOW they’re plugging “Bored to Death.” Crazy.) (Not that crazy.)

Jonathan and Ray are both struggling artists. Jonathan’s working on his second novel, and Ray draws comic books. Ray is sure that his girlfriend, Leah, is about to break up with him. She told him that he should get a job teaching art at public school. “Those girls were into us because we’re artists,” Ray says. “And then reality hits.”

Ray shows Jonathan that he made him a character in his web comic: A therapist.

Jonathan: I wish you’d made me something more heroic.

Ray: You are heroic. Therapists are heroic. They’re the heroes of listening.

True that!

We see that in the comic, Ray is a superhero. His superhero self (in costume) is curled up on the therapist’s couch, sucking his thumb. The speech bubble says, “I don’t feel like anybody really knows me.” The therapist’s bubble says, “I understand.” It’s precious.

And I found a picture of it! I am so happy to be able to show this to you:

"Therapists are the superheroes of listening."

"Therapists are heroic. They’re the heroes of listening."

Jonathan gets a call from a girl who saw the Craigslist ad (at first he doesn’t even remember the ad). Her sister (an NYU student) is missing. Jonathan manages to field the call and continue to play his computer game, which is… something that beeps and has a green background. I don’t know computer games. Other than Tetris.

One F train later, Jonathan meets up with the concerned sister, Rachel. She’s really thin. It’s making me feel uncomfortable. And she’s wearing a purple dress and a red sweater. AND she says she uses Craigslist for everything. She’s freaking me out to the max!

On the spot, Jonathan says that his rate is $100/day. He asks to see a picture of the sister, Lisa, and the picture includes Lisa’s “gross boyfriend, Vincent.” What’s gross about him, Jonathan wants to know. Rachel enumerates: He has a neck tattoo, and he’s English, and he’s a bartender. “And he’s old, like thirty.” “That’s not old,” Jonathan counters. “I’m thirty.” It’s awkward and delightful.

Thirty-year-olds are really defensive about not being old.

Rachel: My sister says even though Vincent’s a total jerk, they have amazing sex. Guys who are assholes are always the best at sex. It sucks. I don’t know why the world is like that.

Jonathan: Nice guys can be good too, you know. Thoughtful, attentive, just… loving.

He sort of points at himself when he says “loving.” It’s fairly hilarious. Also… the most effeminate delivery possible.

Rachel interrupts and adds that Vincent is likely a meth-head, and that he might have “gone homicidal on her.” “Break-ups can be hard on a guy,” Jonathan says mournfully.

Rachel starts to question whether Jonathan is a real detective, so he uses some detective talk. “Find him, and we find her. ‘Cherchez l’homme.’” The girl doesn’t know that it’s a play on a famous quote, and gets really confused. She’s taking Spanish in school, so…

Jonathan and Rachel print up several copies of the picture of Vincent and Lisa (technology!), and we find out that Vincent works at the Parkside Lounge. They don’t card NYU students! Jonathan gets a call from George (Ted Danson) reminding him that he has to work for George tonight. Jonathan hangs up and says, “Another case closed!” Not so much.

Jonathan promises to find the sister, and sends his client home (to Philadelphia) in a cab. Um, maybe he shouldn’t have promised. This is his first case, after all.

Also, an ambulance goes by in the background, and we hear it, and it was probably not a planned thing, and good job sound people!

Big fancy art gallery party. Jonathan shows up and greets a beautiful woman named Niko.

Niko: Where have you been? George is pissed.

Jonathan: He’s drunk already?

Niko: Don’t pull that Anglophile bullshit, okay? He’s pissed as in, angry at you.

Anglophile bullshit? Such a thirtysomething neo-hipster artist thing to do. Jonathan was supposed to get celebrity quotes for “the party page,” but only D-listers are left. So George runs a newspaper?

Niko and her boyfriend broke up, too, and Jonathan seems to be angling for some sort of rebound action with her. But… he’s effeminate and neurotic, and she’s… stunning. But Niko isn’t biting.

Niko: Actually, I’m happier alone. The only reason to be with somebody is to have sex, and I don’t need sex. I mean, when you’re doing it it’s okay, but when you’re not it’s like, What’s the point?

Jonathan: Yeah… I guess.

This is a fundamental difference between men and women. Or, men and a certain type of woman. It’s also a really funny moment, because Jonathan’s face is saying, “What?”

The bottom line is that Niko is taller than Jonathan.

Luckily Jonathan is saved by George, who is not mad. He wants pot! And Jonathan has pot.

They’re together in a bathroom stall. Sexual. Jonathan is pretty judgmental about George’s pot-smoking, all things considered. He dips the end of a cigarette into a prescription bottle filled with pot. George is very pleased with that.

But the medicine bottle is an old Viagra bottle with George’s name on it. Oops. George is NOT happy about that.

Jonathan: You gave me that bottle months ago. There were two pills left in it, you told me I should try them, now I’m putting my pot in it.

George: Are you insane? What if you got arrested for marijuana possession? Page Six would have a field day.

Okay, Ted Danson is looking a lot like Tim Gunn in this scene.

George thinks that he hears someone come into the bathroom. He looks over the stall (he’s tall) and says, “Hello? Hello?” in a kind of sing-songy way.

But the reason George is mad isn’t necessarily what you’d think: He doesn’t seem to care about being connected to a pot possession rap. He just doesn’t want the world to know that he takes Viagra. Jonathan questions whether George really needs Viagra, and George blames in on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol (Jamie Foxx style). And the heart medicine.

Speaking of, I find it surprising that Jonathan doesn’t have any pill bottles of his own. Being a novelist, and all. Issues!

George sits on top of the toilet and lights up the pot-dipped cigarette.

George: I’m not who I once was, but I accept that. It’s called humility.

Jonathan: Then why are you back on pot?

George: Because I’m bored. I’m bored. Death by a thousand dull conversations.

There you go. Bored to death. I really love this scene, and also the ennui of this show. I’m making fun of the hipster-ness, but hey, I’m an aspiring writer dwelling in the Silver Lake area. I only joke because I love.

Jonathan: Do you think we drink too much?

George: No, we don’t drink too much. Men face reality, women don’t. That’s why men need to drink.

Jonathan: That’s a line from my novel.

George: Yeah, well you stole it from me.

Well, whoever said it… I don’t think it’s true. Jonathan tells George that Suzanne moved out because he drank too much, and George says that he isn’t surprised.

George: You’re like me, Jonathan. We enthrall and then we disappoint. It used to take me several years, now it’s a couple of weeks. If I’m with a woman longer than that, then there’s something wrong with her.

Aw, that’s sad. And once again: I really like this scene.

Jonathan asks why this is true, and George says that he doesn’t lie as well as he used to. “Well, that means you’re more honest,” Jonathan says optimistically. George laughs and says, “No.”

Back in the gallery, Jonathan calls the Parkside Lounge and asks if Vincent Ellis is working tonight. In a very cool exterior shot, we see Jonathan walking to the Parkside Lounge in the red glow emitted from its neon sign. It looks great partly because the streets are wet, which… it’s a Hollywood (as in, film industry) convention to water down the streets for a night shoot. With a big truck. For reasons such as these.

At first Jonathan orders white wine, but the Parkside Lounge isn’t really a white wine type of place, so he orders, “Whisky, no ice.” I’m guessing that’s a Raymond Chandler thing. But it obviously burns, because he makes terrible faces while he drinks it. And coughs. Very funny.

Turns out that Vincent isn’t working after all. He called in just before his shift started. Jonathan tries to question the bartender/maybe owner. He lays a twenty dollar bill down on the bar… old timey bribe!

Bartender: I’ll tell you one thing. He’s not home.

Jonathan: Can you tell me another thing, like where he’s at?

Vincent’s at the Velma Hotel. It came up on the bar’s caller ID.

Jonathan finishes his whiskey before he leaves, sputtering and choking. “Been laying off the whiskey,” he yells to the bartender. “Been on a white wine regimen. Trying to save the relationship.” Nice cover? “Good for you,” the bartender deadpans.

Now it’s raining? Okay, it’s very noir. Jonathan is outside the hotel, and still coughing. He is really not equipped to be manly.

Of course, the hotel manager behind the glass answers every question with, “Fuck you.” “Come on man, you don’t have to curse so much,” Jonathan says. He has to rent a room if he even wants to sit in the lobby: $60 for three hours, $90 for the night. “Do people use their real names in this place?” Jonathan asks. He checks in as Raymond Chandler.

In case you’ve been keeping track: At this point, he’s making negative money. So much for $100/day.

Jonathan sits in the lobby, waiting for Vincent to come out and smoke. He reads his novel, he dances, he watches odd couples come and go (my favorite: A middle-aged white man in business attire and a young male Asian punk). Eventually Jonathan falls asleep. When he wakes up, he finds out that Vincent went out and came back. “With beer.” Alone.

After some more bribing, Jonathan gets Vincent’s room number: 313. Roomie wonders why Jonathan didn’t just ask for that in the first place, but I think the innkeeper wanted to milk him for more money than that. And maybe some sort of strange trust was built, as Jonathan waited and danced.

I really like the music on this show. There was maybe-flamenco playing as Jonathan waited, and now some kind of crazy synth score. Maybe a Casiotone.

Jonathan bangs on Vincent’s door and calls his name (maybe not the smoothest way to do things, if you don’t want someone to think you’re a cop and/or kill you?), until a prostitute opens the next door over. “What the hell is going on out here?” “Nothing, I’m sorry,” Jonathan says.

The prostitute offers him a date, because she just had a client cancel. “You know, I can’t right now,” he says. “But thank you.” He’s obviously afraid of the prostitute, because she is very tall and has a lot of attitude. Maybe she’s really a man. Who knows.

Vincent flings his door open, and scares the crap out of Jonathan. The prostitute, spooked, goes back into her room.

Jonathan busts into Vincent’s room. Vincent is wearing black briefs, a white wife beater, and a leather jacket. The sister is… tied to the bedposts, and has a washcloth in her mouth. Jonathan reassures her that he’s here to help.

And then Vincent pulls out his… weapon? It’s a lighter, like the long type that you use to light a grill. It’s really not scary at all, but it freaks Jonathan. He runs into the bathroom, and locks himself in. His phone starts to ring. (And the same time, MY phone started to ring. It was weird.)

“Who the fuck is calling you?” Vincent yells on the other side of the door. The sister (Lisa) rolls her eyes.

“Can you wait one second, please?” Jonathan calls. “It’s my boss calling, I’m gonna answer it. He hates if I don’t answer it.” George is kneeling on his bed in a silk robe. He’s craving marijuana. Can Jonathan come over?

George: Don’t be a milquetoast. Where are you, Brooklyn? Hop in a car service. I’ll pay.

Hahahs, milquetoast is an amazing word. And it’s a pretty accurate description of Jonathan. (The tagline calls him a noir-otic, which is also good.)

Just as a refresher: The sister who hired Jonathan is Rachel Klein, and the girl in the bed is Lisa. Jewish girls gone wild!

Through the door, Jonathan explains that he’s not a licensed detective. “I’m a writer.” Suddenly, Vincent is intrigued. “What kind of writer?” Jonathan says that he’s struggling with his second novel, which is traditionally the hardest novel to write (his words). Vincent is a writer too. He writes songs. “It’s really what I want to do with my life.”

Lisa broke up with Vincent, and he’s trying to put things back together. “Really?” Jonathan says. “My girlfriend broke up with me. She moved out today. I’m pretty upset.” On the bed, Lisa is looking incredibly WTF about all this.

“You just let her go?” Vincent asks. “That’s not cool. You have to be a man when that happens.” Jonathan’s problem is that he’s not particularly manly. And Vincent’s problem is that he’s heating up a meth pipe as he doles out this advice.

“Yeah, I let her go,” Jonathan says. “I mean, why is Lisa tied to the bed? I don’t like the looks of THAT.” HA.

Vincent says that they’re role-playing, and that he wants Lisa to get Stockholm Syndrome. “That’s why we’re in this sleazy room, to make it authentic.”

Jonathan: I’ve always been intrigued by Stockholm Syndrome. Makes me think of my childhood.

Ooch. Interesting. I want to hear more about his background.

Vincent: She’s supposed to fall in love with her captor. Or in this case, fall back in love.

Jonathan: I should have tried that… Can I come out now?

Um, let’s take a vote: Does Jonathan have Stockholm Syndrome right now? He just totally bonded with Vincent while… being held captive in Vincent’s bathroom.

Jonathan comes out of the bathroom, and Vincent continues to point the lighter at him (from across the room) as if it’s a gun. Jonathan sniffs the air: “What’s that smell?” It’s meth.

Jonathan: Oh come on, man. You can’t smoke meth. It’s all chemicals. I have pot. It’s natural, it’s better for you.

Jonathan wants to take the washcloth out of Lisa’s mouth, but Vincent says that they have to maintain their role-playing roles. Jonathan seems to have totally forgotten his purpose, because he doesn’t argue the point. Jonathan and Vincent, now very chummy, smoke some pot together. The reversals in this whole situation are hilarious.

Jonathan: My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I smoke too much pot and drink too much wine. But she’s right. How can you love someone if you’re in a fog the whole time?

That last line is beautiful. In my opinion. (And the first line is kind of… on the nosey? And too specific? I mean, I think it’s his deluded excuse for why she broke up with him, but still.) (And did he ONLY drink white wine? Why not just say, “I drink too much”?)

Vincent offers Jonathan a hit of meth, and Jonathan is intrigued. My co-worker maintains that Jonathan totally would have tried it, but luckily…

At that moment the police come knocking with the prostitute, because she heard a fight. Vincent throws all of the drugs out the bathroom window. Jonathan lets the police in, acting as if he’s inviting them into a totally normal situation.

The police finally take the washcloth out of Lisa’s mouth. She says that she’s fine, and identifies Vincent as her ex. “But I don’t even know who that guy is,” she says, indicating Jonathan. “I think there’s something wrong with him.” Ha.

“I was just trying to help,” Jonathan says as the officers lead him into the hallway. “I’m a writer.”

Jonathan sits in the station, talking to an officer (a detective?) at a desk. He explains that he wasn’t in his right mind, after his breakup. Jonathan says that he actually lost money, because he forgot to tell the little sister about expenses, which is something that the detectives in books always take into consideration. The officer tells Jonathan that he didn’t actually break any laws, and Vincent and Lisa aren’t filing a complaint, after all. HA.

So… Jonathan was just trying to help, but now he’s the criminal element in this situation.

Jonathan sees Vincent and Lisa walking out. “And you had better get that tattoo changed,” she’s saying. “I’m sick of seeing the name ‘Lisa’ tattooed on your belly.” “But that’s your name!” Vincent protests. “But that’s the other Lisa!” she replies. HA.

Jonathan tells Lisa to call her sister. “I already called her, asshole,” Lisa says. Ouch, no good deed goes unpunished. But when your boyfriend’s a meth-head (and maybe you are, too), the last thing you want is to have to deal with the police. “Thanks for not pressing charges!” Jonathan calls as they exit.

The officer is not happy Jonathan, to say the least. “If you go back on that Craigslist, and impersonate an investigator, you’re gonna end up in Riker’s. And I don’t see you thriving in that environment.” HA. He’s totally be somebody’s girlfriend.

I guess Jonathan spent the night at the station, because he exits a subway station into the light of day, in Brooklyn. As he walks, we hear a lovely song: “Being alone it can be quite romantic. Like Jacques Cousteau underneath the Atlantic.” (It’s “Lull,” by Andrew Bird. Thanks, Google.)

Jonathan and Ray meet up outside their coffee house, because the interior of the shop has been invaded by yoga mommies. Ray wants to talk first. He tells a story about his girlfriend, Leah, and how they didn’t have sex last night like they were supposed to because she fell asleep, but how she got really angry when he didn’t stay the night. Also: Leah has kids. Plural.

Ray: I want to be put to sleep. I want to be tucked in. I want to be the only child of a woman’s life.

Ray has mommy issues. Before Jonathan can tell his story, Ray sees Leah riding up on a bike. With a child’s seat on the back.

Ray gets up and walks away, but Leah catches him.

Leah: How dare you leave me in the middle of the night like a one-night stand.

Ray: One-night stand? I wish it was.

Leah: You should have stayed and held me.

Ray: What am I? A hot water bottle. I’m a man, I have needs. You call this monogamy? I call it celibacy.

Leah: Oh, those are big words for you. Did you read them in one of your comic books?

Ray: I read them in my diary.

Might I remind you that Ray is Zach Galifianakis? This scene is amazing. Ray starts to cry, and Leah gets off her bike and holds him. It’s really sweet. And Ray is such a man-baby. He should have held Leah last night. In that one conversation, you see that they have issues, but they also need each other. (Or at least, Ray needs Leah.) Also: Leah is really pretty, in a doesn’t-wear-makeup way.

Jonathan gets up and walks away, tripping over a stroller. He goes home and hangs up his brown corduroy detective jacket. But then he gets an email asking for his investigative help. It’s from a woman. He calls her up. “I believe I can help you.”

Next week: Is the woman Kristin Wiig? Jason talks to Olivia (his ex). Ted gets herpes of the mouth. Zach gets a colonic. I mean, Jonathan, Suzanne, George, Ray. Character names. I need to learn them.

Okay, so I really enjoyed that. I think the theme of being aspiring or struggling artists and trying to sustain relationships and… all the rest… it’s right up my alley.

So… you’ll be hearing about this show again. And if you have HBO, check it out. Great lines, great deliveries.

xoxo…

Follow us on Twitter @dailybinge / Fan us on Facebook (search The Daily Binge)

1 Comment | RECAPS | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by yapplebee

The British are Coming: MAD MEN Episode 306

September 22, 2009
Good times barber shop!

Good times barber shop!

Episode 306: “Guy Walks Into An Advertising Agency” Air Date: 9/20/09

I was really torn between calling this “British Invasion” and “The British Are Coming.” I chose the latter because it has more to do with the American Revolution. And this is a 4th of July episode. So… I hope you appreciate my clever decision. And my humility. Ha.

And the Mad Men website had several great pictures this week. So I figured… the more, the merrier!

While I was watching the Emmys, my mom called to warn me about something bloody and disturbing that happens in this episode. (Although I love “True Blood,” I’m generally very squeamish.)

Mom didn’t want to ruin it for me, but through a series of questions I managed to figure out that the bloody event would be something similar to a stabbing, that it wouldn’t happen to a lead, that it wouldn’t be perpetrated by Sally, and that it would take place about three-quarters into the episode.

As a result, I spent the entire episode (and entire recap, since I recapped on first viewing) speculating about how the bloody mess would come to be.

Previously on: Dr. Greg stuff. (Oh no… are we going to see hospital blood?) Also: Earlier tonight, “Mad Men” won the Emmy for Best Drama.

I didn’t even mention this in my notes when I did my initial recap, but it’s very important to know that at the beginning of this episode, Ken drives a John Deere lawnmower/tractor thing into the main cubicle area of Sterling Cooper. I have no idea how he got it up the elevator. He’s gloating, because John Deere is his account (not Pete’s), and something big just happened with it.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but that tractor was the gun on the wall. As in the famous principle: “If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it’s not going to be fired, it shouldn’t be hanging there.” -From S. Shchukin, Memoirs (1911)

But I didn’t realize that the tractor was a gun, because sometimes a tractor is just a tractor.

Sorry to get all reference-y. Actually, I’m not sorry. This is “Mad Men.” It’s high brow TV. Keep up.

There’s a special announcement at Sterling Cooper: The British are coming! As in… the guys who own Sterling Cooper. They’re visiting through July 3rd, which was supposed to be a day off. “They were unaware of the holiday,” Mr. Hooker informs everybody. Or they were very aware, and bitter! (In case you’ve forgotten, he’s Mr. Pryce’s man-secretary. They’re both British.)

Aw, Wednesday will be Joan’s last day.

Everyone is rushing around to make sure that things are perfect for the visit.

Hooker: Mr. Kinsey, you may need to shave your beard.

Paul Kinsey: What? Who ARE you people?!

Hooker: That was a joke.

Don and Roger Sterling are going to a barber shop… oh no, shaving knife blood?! I think this pre-barber scene is when Cooper says something to make Don think that the British are going to promote him and steal him to London.

Betty is sleeping on her bed, with Baby Gene in her arms. Bobby and Sally come into the room. Bobby approaches his mother, but Sally stays a safe distance away from the baby.

Bobby: I’m bored.

Betty: Go bang your head against the wall.

Bobby: Mo-om.

Wow, Mother of the Year.

Betty: Only bored people are bored.

Bobby (re: the baby): Can I pet him?

Awww, kids say the darndest things! Bobby pets the baby, and then he and Sally leave. Betty calls Baby Gene her “little pig in a blanket.” So… she likes Baby Gene, at least.

At the barber shop, Sterling gets a manicure. Is he an original metrosexual? Don declines a manicure. It’s too feminine for his taste.

Sterling tells a story about how his very manly father always got manicures. A windshield severed his father’s arm. But the fingernails were perfect! Could that be the bloody scene later on, in a flashback? No, because the story is a lie. Well, at least what his father hit was a lie. (But the severed limb is foreshadowing!)

Don slaps aftershave on his face, and doesn’t flinch. What a man!

Sterling says that the problem with Mona (his ex) is that she started judging people. Sterling doesn’t like being judged. That’s a pointed message at Don. (Oh yeah, they were sent to this barber together because Cooper wants them to make up. There’s still tension between Don and Sterling because Don called bullshit on Sterling’s happiness at the Derby Days party.)

Joan gives terse instructions to Hildy the Secretary.

Hildy to Joan: Are you being short with me because you think it will make parting easier? My mother used to do that.

Wow, mother issues everywhere. And then Mr. Hooker approaches.

Hooker: I’m noticing for the first time that the ladies out here are rather plain, present company excluded.

Joan: Well, we could hire some prostitutes. I know your prime minister enjoys their company.

Hooker: Secretary at War. And you’d do best not to bring that up tomorrow.

Ha! Get some hookers for Hooker.

Hooker says that maybe they can “re-shed-yool” Joan’s surprise going away party, since the Brits are coming tomorrow. Oh, wait, oops? Surprise party. Hooker says that he’s sure Joan already knew. He calls her “Mrs. Harris.” Is she already married to Greg? (Thomas and I have been arguing about that.)

Joan tells Hooker that she’s going home to cook a celebratory dinner for her husband. (He finds out if he’s chief resident today… I’m guessing he’s not, since we know that he’s a surgery-botcher.) “And when you wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what you forgot, don’t call me.” You go girl! (Why don’t you talk this way to your icky husband?)

Okay, new guess: Greg isn’t going to make chief resident. And then he’s going to use a medical instrument to stab whoever DID get it. Because… he’s a rapist.

Don and Betty debrief about the day. Sally won’t go near the baby. She also won’t sleep without a nightlight… but I mean, those are both things that kids do. Not too crazy. Don asks Betty if she’d want to live in London, and she says, “Of course. I could get a pram and a real nanny.” Are those things cheaper in London?

Joan is sleeping on the couch when Greg comes in drunk and stumbles over something in the dark. Aw, there wasn’t any celebratory dinner, because Greg never came home. Poor Joan! Greg says that he told her he was going to drinks with the docs. Joan calls him on his lie and says, “I just ate dinner for two.” Haha, a woman after my own heart.

Greg didn’t get chief resident. Duhhhh. He’s a shitty surgeon. Doug Hutchinson is chief resident. I think Doug Hutchison is getting stabbed tonight. Or maybe Edinger, who didn’t look Greg in the eye. All of these people are up for stabbing, because my mom said that it was a “new character” who would be getting maimed.

Uh oh, it’s going to be Edinger.

Greg: He sat me down in his office and he poured a drink and he said… he said I had no brains in my fingers.

Joan: But he wrote you all those nice evaluations–

Greg: Dammit, Joan! Doctors don’t write bad things about each other.

Ugh, that explains a lot. Like those doctors you see on “20/20″ who accidentally amputated the wrong limb, more than once. Because they keep getting sent from hospital to hospital, and never actually get fired or reported.

If Greg wants to stay in surgery, he’s going to have to leave New York. He’ll go to “Alabama, or something.” He’s still a doctor, but he’s not a surgeon. Greg won’t say whether he was fired. But he does tell Joan that she’ll need to work for another year. “Greg, that’s done,” she says, re: her job at Sterling Cooper. “Well, get another one,” he replies.

Joan: Listen, you are still a doctor. I married you for your heart, not your hands.

Oh, so they are married. (And I bet he married her for her chest, not her heart.)

The other doctors went out to celebrate, but Greg couldn’t fake it with them. He’s been sitting in The Dublin House (a bar?) since 2pm. Oh great, alcoholic in training. “Go lay down,” Joan says. “I’ll undress you.” Ya big baby.

Don lies in bed next to Betty, looking smug. Is he about to face a Greg-esque reality check?

Sally lies awake, even though she has her nightlight.

Joan wears her amazing lime green dress, which I think we’ve seen before. Ugh, Mr. Hooker is taking over her job. AH! Mr. Sheffield from “The Nanny” is back, as… I think it’s spelled St. John (pronounced “sin gin,” haha).

As Hooker shows the Brits around, Paul sits in his office with the door open… playing guitar and singing? It’s like he’s in a competition: America’s Biggest Corporate Beatnik?

Blue-suited Pete meets Guy McKendrick (one of the Brits).

Guy: I know everything about you. You’re a very impressive fellow.

Pete: I wish I could return the compliment.

Guy: Well perhaps one day you shall.

Did Pete accidentally totally burn Guy McKendrick? He said it really pleasantly, but “I wish I could return the compliment?” Sounds… like a diss. Oops!

Next Guy McK meets Peggy.

Guy: I know everything about you. You are a very impressive young woman.

Are you sensing a trend here? Peggy says, “Why, thank you.” That feels more appropriate. Oooh, and Guy hopes to chat with her later. Bow chicka wow.

Now I’m thinking that maybe Guy McK will be the stabee.

The Brits take off their shoes to go into Cooper’s office. Guy has degrees from Cambridge and the London School of Economics, and he’s been studying Don’s work. Stalker!

Guy says to Don, “I look forward to, how do you say, catching up?” But Guy speaks English. He’s British. I always think of “how do you say?” as being something that non-English speakers say. There’s something kind of phony about Guy. I mean, not that. I don’t think he’s secretly French or anything. But… odd. He’s charming, but it’s covering up something more calculated.

I think at this point there’s some sort of Agatha Christie/Clue reference to having the meeting “in the x, with the y.” Which is appropriate to this recap, because I’m sleuthing out the stabber/stabee. (Also appropriate because I just watched “Bored to Death”… big night of sleuthery.) After the Brits leave, Cooper says, “Well, that was strange.”

Lane Pryce nervously awaits the visiting Brits. “Spectacles,” Hooker reminds him, and Pryce removes his glasses and sticks them in his pocket. Haha. Vanity.

The Brits are very impressed with Pryce’s work at Sterling Cooper. They’re offering Pryce a reward and a challenge. It’s in a box… it’s something that looks like a snake? A taxidermied rattle snake in a basket. Yay?

St. John: It’s for our snake charmer. We’re sending you to Bombay.

Pryce: Bombay? What would I do there?

He sounds very nervous.

St. John: Well, hopefully the same thing you accomplished here.

Pryce is not happy at all. His wife just settled in, his son was just accepted to school. He doesn’t want to move halfway across the world, all over again. But St. John reminds Pryce that he’s moving up. (… Or is he?) (Technically, he’s moving south.)

Ah, Guy McKendrick gives a presentation on an overheard projector. This is 1963? In the year 2000, overheard projectors were still in wide use at my high school. I don’t know if that’s a comment on technology, or on public school… or both. (They’ve probably moved on to PowerPoint by now.)

Everyone claps for Lane Pryce. “Our loss is India’s gain,” Guy says. Then he adds, “There’s no need for alarm. There will be no further reductions in our ranks.” Harry is the only one who claps for that, and it’s wonderfully inappropriate and awkward.

Don, Guy, and Cooper will be overseeing the company. There’s a line from Don’s name up to Guy’s, so I guess he’s under Guy now? And Guy is… in his late twenties, I think? So… not exactly a promotion, there. Not for Don, at least.

Cooper points out that Sterling isn’t on the chart at all. “Ah, that was an oversight,” Guy says. Hmmm. Don is sketching a little British (sort of?) flag in his notebook. Guy doesn’t want to inform the rest of Sterling Cooper of this good news (?) in a memo. He wants to go inform the troops right away! The Brits exit.

Harry: What the hell just happened?

Pete: They reorganized us, and you’re the only one in this room who got a promotion.

Harry: Really?

Sterling: Yes, really.

Haha. Cooper apologizes to Don for his wild imagination. I guess he really thought that Don would be going to England? And Don was pumped about that? Because… REVOLUTIONARY ROAD? I don’t know.

I need a blood buddy. Usually at the movies I bury my head in Cole’s shoulder, and he tells me when I can look. He’s Blackberry messaging me, but my recapping has put me out of sync with him. This is not good.

Betty and Sally have a chat in Sally’s room. I like their colorful outfits! Betty “finds” a gift. “‘To my new big sister, the best in the world!’ And my goodness, it’s from Baby Gene.” Ooh, Sally doesn’t look happy. But my mom told me that the blood doesn’t involve Sally, so I’m not too worried for the baby.

Ooh, they totally are dying Sally’s hair, and making her look like mini-Betty. Their hair is really similar in this scene. It’s kind of freaky. Mini-Betty!

Anyway, Sally inspects the card. “Baby Gene can’t write,” she says suspiciously. Future rocket scientist! “Babies get fairies to do things,” Betty says. “You know that.” Really? Is that something that kids are supposed to know? Nobody every told me that. But I never looked gift-from-baby horses in the mouth. It’s a Barbie. Oh, great role model.

“I think he wants you to know that he wants to be your friend,” Betty says, re: Baby Gene. Actually, this is probably Betty at her kindest. Oh wait. She stands up, puts her hand on Sally’s shoulder, kisses her on the head, and says, “And you are very important to me, too.” It’s fairly curt. And then she walks out.

Is Betty obsessed with Baby Gene because he’s sort of a symbol of the potential reincarnation of her just-died father? Let’s discuss.

Oh, and the Barbie has short brown hair. And it’s scary looking. (According to Oprah’s 1960s-themed episode that aired on Monday 9/21, 1963 Barbie was meant to look like Jackie O.)

Guy toasts goodbye to Pryce, and to Joan. “I wish you caviar, and children, and all that is good in your new life.” Guy raises his glass to Joan and smiles handsomely at her, and she starts to cry.

Oh no, is Joan going to stab her husband? Desperate housewives!

Hooker wheels out a cake with a picture of a ship on it. It says, “Bon Voyage, Joan.” I can’t help but think of it as a sinking ship.

“Enjoy the liquor and delicatessen,” Guy says. Delicatessen! I love it. (I really do. The word and the food.) The presentations will continue tomorrow. The rest of the day is dedicated to partying.

Which is lame, because can’t they finish the presentations today, and get 3rd of July off tomorrow?

Ken Pete, Harry, and Paul stand off to the side, looking unhappy.

Ken: So… what now? They keep adding people above us.

Pete: One more promotion, and we’re gonna be answering the phones.

At least this is kind of bonding Ken and Pete, after all of the we-got-the-same-promotion drama of episodes one and two.

Okay, maybe Pete is going to stab Guy? Maybe Joan is going to stab Hooker, to get her job back?

Peggy and Don stand together, awkwardly.

Peggy: This is good champagne.

Don: I don’t think so.

Oh, come on, Don. Throw her a bone. Peggy exits to get some food, and Don’s secretary tells him that Conrad Hilton’s office is on the line. OH CRAZY. Remember Connie? From the bar at the garden party?

Okay, the only reason I connect this so fast is because Thomas called that Connie was Conrad Hilton, the night that we watched the Derby Days episode. Thomas is uber-smart like that.

Conrad Hilton. The hotel owner. As in, Hilton. Don knows all this, but Don doesn’t make the Conrad-Connie connection. He’s willing to meet with Hilton “right now,” but is really confused.

Don’s told to meet Connie at the Waldorf. I’ve stayed there! But not in the Presidential Suite, which is where Don is headed.

Sterling’s upset that he wasn’t on the chart. He complains to Cooper, who is eating chocolate pudding. Cooper is delightfully eccentric.

Sterling: I like to think, I’m rich, they can’t hurt me.

Cooper: That’s a mistake.

Sterling: I’m being punished for making my job look easy. Although that kid, Guy, he has a spark. He is a pure account man.

Cooper says that being a good account man is about “letting things go so you can get what you want.” Deep. Sterling leaves, telling Cooper to have a nice holiday and “enjoy the fireworks.”

During the commercials: “AMC congratulates Matthew Weiner and Kater Gordon on their Emmy award.” That was fast! This recorded at 7pm PST. Kater looked kind of like Vampire Jessica from “True Blood.”

Forty-one minutes in. I’m increasingly nervous about the blood.

Party at the office. We haven’t seen an office party like this since the election episode, have we? Smitty and Out Gay Kurt (FINALLY!) and… some other guy… are talking Vietnam. I won’t call him “Guy” because there already is a Guy.

Employee: My dad keeps talking about Vietnam. I think he wants me to get drafted.

Smitty: First of all, they’re hardly drafting anybody. Second of all, you’re too old. [thinks] Third of all, I have a friend in the army, and if you’re smart, you’re set. He sits behind a desk at Fort Dix and screws secretaries all day.

At Fort Dix?! Hahaha. Suddenly Gay Kurt is interested (in Dix! haha), and says his first (and so far, only) line all season, in his wherever-he’s-from accent (the actor is from Bosnia/Germany).

Kurt: Does he shoot the peoples?

Smitty: I gotta take a piss.

Also: Smitty is wrong about a lot of things about Vietnam. Or at least, he’s going to be wrong, in retrospect. And Smitty has bad judgment in general. (Foreshadowing.)

Peggy got a card for Joan. “It would be nice if I gave you a gift for once, and you didn’t wonder if I wanted something,” Peggy says.

Peggy: I don’t want you to think I never listen to you. It’s just we can’t all be you.

Joan: Be that as it may, I do take some credit for your success here.

They share a smile. It’s sweet. Aw, why can’t they be friends? Because… it’s the working world in the 1960s, and… Joan resents Peggy, I think. Because Peggy is a copy-writer, and not a… sex object. Even though Joan never really wanted that kind of career. Until the whole TV/Media thing last year, where Harry should have hired Joan to be his right hand.

And then: Oh no, Now Smitty (I think) is driving the John Deere tractor thing around, and he’s probably drunk, and… I have a feeling this is going to be the cause of the bloody incident? I need a blood buddy, because I don’t want to look anymore. It’s hard to recap without looking.

Um, I am paralyzed with fear. I am pausing the episode and Blackberrying Cole for backup, here.

Oh, the tractor is gone, for now. Whew.

Peggy to Joan: I’m really happy you got what you wanted. I remember on my first day you said that could happen to me if I played my cards right.

What, getting married? I don’t remember.

Oh no, the tractor is back. THIS IS THE WORST. And Paul’s kind of inept secretary (Lois?) is driving. She’s bad at this!

Joan and Peggy are saying they’ll see each other all the time. Not. “If we don’t,” Peggy says. “I just want to say…”

The tractor noises are getting loud. Joan and Peggy are yelling over it. I have to pause. Steeling myself for blood.

Oh no, the secretary slices some guy in a gray suit’s leg… and drives right through an office wall/window. Whee! That wasn’t so bad… yet. It was kind of funny. And several of the regulars got sprayed with blood.

Oh, I think his foot is… almost severed. I’m not looking. Paul is splattered in blood. And Harry? I’m not looking.

Joan runs to the rescue. “Get us a tourniquet and a first aid kit.” Lois is freaking out. “Get her out of here!” Joan says. You guys, Joan is a medical master. She should be a nurse, or an EMT. That’s her next career. I bet she’s better at this than Greg is.

Okay, Mom. That really wasn’t so bad. I didn’t look, but I don’t think I needed such a dire warning.

Don meets with Conrad Hilton, and remembers that they met at the country club. Don made him a drink. “Let me return the favor,” Conrad says. “I can’t believe you’re Conrad Hilton,” Don replies. “Connie,” Conrad corrects him. Er, Connie corrects him.

Connie: Food? Best kitchen in the world, got a salad named after it.

Waldorf salad! Also: The Waldorf decor hasn’t really changed since the 1960s. That’s pretty cool. I mean, this is probably a set in Los Angeles. But it’s a set that is decorated to look like the Waldorf did in 1963.

Hey buddy! Reunited with Connie.

Hey buddy! Reunited with Connie.

Don can’t get over that he didn’t know who Connie was. “Ah, I don’t know,” Connie says. “Now, after this comes out next week…” He holds up a picture of the cover of Time Magazine, with his face on it. “Well, they don’t do that for everyone,” Don marvels. Connie puts it down. “I think I look like an A-rab.” Ha! Random.

Also, this is Paris Hilton’s… grandfather? Great-grandfather? Haha.

How did Connie find Don?

Connie: Well, I called around, told people I had a long chat with a handsome fellow from Sterling Cooper, and your name never came up. Apparently you don’t have long chats with people.

Only with strangers. But now Connie isn’t a stranger. And he knows that Don used to be a valet who peed into car trunks. Awk! Connie wants Don to look at some ad ideas. “You wouldn’t be in the Presidential Suite right now if you worked for free,” Don answers. Throw a few Benjamins at him, Connie! But Connie wants one for free.

The ads have a weird mouse on them. I’m good at this game, because Don says, “I don’t think anybody wants to think about a mouse in a hotel.” On the same page as Don! I feel cool.

Don and Connie sit down. “Well, there went my idea,” Connie says. “You got something better?”

Don: I might.

Connie: So… what do you want?

Don: I’m not gonna lie. I’d love a chance at your business.

Connie: Okay. But the next time somebody like me asks you a question like that, you need to think bigger.

I can’t tell if Connie is saying that Don shouldn’t have been so quick to ask for money before, or that he should have asked for more than just a chance at business just now. Either way, it works.

Don: There are snakes that go months without eating until they finally catch something. But they’re so hungry that they suffocate while they’re eating… One opportunity at a time.

Okay, so I guess it was the latter? Connie expected Don to ask for his own company or something?

Ooh, also: Another mention of snakes. Does this have any ties to the taxidermy snake that Pryce received from the Brits? I mean, it does. Duh. This is “Mad Men.” So, snakes that eat too much suffocate, and Pryce got a dead snake… does that mean that Pryce got a bigger project than he could handle, overseeing Sterling Cooper?

And now… Don has an emergency call. “Home or office?” he asks. Because both are… volatile.

Harry, Ken, Smitty, Pete, and Paul sit in an office. Someone is wiping blood off the window. Harry and Paul are down to their undershirts, thanks to the blood spray. The guys are really, really pissed at Smitty for breaking out the tractor, and for letting doesn’t-know-how-to-drive stupid Lois drive it.

Harry: We had the world handed to us on a plate. And then you swing in on a chandelier, drop your pants, and crap on it.

Sterling walks in. “Jesus, it’s like Iwo Jima out there. We should put a rubber mat down so Cooper can get around [in his socks].” “They’re changing the carpeting,” Pete replies.

“Any news?” Sterling asks. “He might lose his foot,” Paul says morosely, especially juxtaposed with Sterling’s chipper attitude. “Right when you get it in the door,” Sterling quips.

Whose office got smashed, I wonder.

Ken says that he takes full responsibility (reminder: he brought the tractor in because John Deere is his account). “Somewhere in this business, this has happened before,” Sterling says, before walking out. This business is CRAZY!

Joan gets a Coke out of the vending machine as Don enters the hospital waiting room… I don’t think this is the same waiting room from the baby ward. Don sadly notes that her dress is ruined with blood. “I didn’t expect you to come over,” she says. “I just thought you should know. Honestly when I called you, I thought he might die.” Eek, he lost the foot.

There’s something so frank about the way they talk to each other. It’s great.

Don is having too much hospital this season.

Don is having too much hospital this season.

(I wanted to make that photo the main photo, but… bloody spoiler alert.)

Don tells Joan that she’ll be missed. “That’s nice to hear. Especially from you, Don.” Joan and Don sit in silence for a few moments.

Joan: I bet he felt great when he woke up this morning.

Don: I’m sure you’re right.

Joan: But that’s life. One minute you’re on top of the world, the next minute some secretary’s running you over with a lawnmower.

They both start to laugh. It’s that kind of laughing you do when you don’t want to cry, because both of them are dealing with unspoken disappointment.

The Brits enter. OH, the guy she hit was GUY. THE Guy. Guy McKendrick. That’s why the Brits are here. Gosh, he looked different in the getting-hit scene. His hair looked darker, and… his face was twisted in pain. My bad.

Ahh: This episode is called “Guy Walks into an Advertising Agency.” But Guy doesn’t walk out. Get it?

St. John: He was great account man. Prodigy. He could talk a Scotsman out of a penny… Now that’s all over.

Don: I don’t know if that’s true.

Third Brit: The man is missing a foot. How is he going to work? He can’t walk.

St. John: Doctors said he’ll never golf again.

Jigga-what? None of this has to do with his ability to be an account man. I guess this was a time before… wheel chair access. Etc.

I talked to my mom about this, and she said that the 1960s were a time before amazing prosthetic technology, and before… you know, fairness. So a guy in a wheelchair or on crutches would just be considered a sad cripple. Part of Guy’s charm was his handsomeness, and his… tallness, or whatever. The way he could command a room. And, apparently, his ability to go business-golfing. Very important skill.

So… poor Guy. Ugh, this blows.

Now the Brits are going to re-evaluate their entire strategy? And Lane Pryce is going to stay in New York. And the office is closed tomorrow, which is also July 3rd. Well, that’s a plus. And the company is going to reimburse Joan for her dress. Score! She likely saved Guy’s life, with the tourniquet and all. So… tell them you need your job back!

Don to Joan: You should get home to that lucky husband.

SAY YOU NEED YOUR JOB BACK, JOAN! But Joan just kisses Don on the cheek, and wipes her lipstick off his face, in a motherly way. Don looks smitten. Even though Joan was his secretary, I have a feeling he never slept with her. Because he’s moral in certain arenas, and because she was Sterling’s girlfriend. But I bet she was his best secretary, because she ended up being Queen of the Secretaries.

Oh wait, it’s a Dr. Pepper vending machine. Not Coke. And it’s super cool. There’s a little door. Pryce buys sodas for himself and Don. He tells Don that he’s been reading American literature lately. As if it’s some new-fangled thing. Haha, those snobby Brits.

Pryce: Tom Sawyer.

Don: That’s a good one.

Pryce: I feel like I just went to my own funeral. I didn’t like the eulogy.

Oooh, THAT’s a good one. Poor Pryce. These Brits are getting ambushed… how appropriate, for 4th of July. (Also, there was a chapter in Tom Sawyer called “We Ambuscade the Arabs”… but I remember it being pronounced “A-Rabs,” like Connie said it. Everything ties together, on this show. Nothing is a throwaway.)

Don approaches his red front door. He picks a rose for Betty? Oh, it’s for Sally. From the fairies/Baby Gene. And she’s asleep, so he puts it on her desk.

Don’s in his room, taking off his tie, when Sally wakes up screaming bloody murder. It wakes the baby, and Betty brings him into Sally’s room. Sally screams even more when she sees the baby, and tries to hide in Don’s arms. “Get him out, Daddy!”

The dog comes in, barking. I didn’t remember them having a dog. “I don’t even know why to say,” Betty says, irritated. She leaves with the Baby Gene, which is totally a doll. Don comforts Sally.

Don: Calm down. Tell me what’s going on.

Sally: Grandpa Gene. He’s not supposed to be here anymore.

Don: He’s not.

Sally: He’s called Gene, he sleeps in his room, he looks just like him, and I bet when he starts talking he’s gonna sound just like him, too.

Don: He’s a baby. That’s it. I want you to go to sleep. There’s no such thing as ghosts.

Okay, this is MUCH more disturbing than the bloody foot stuff, in my opinion. I’m kind of surprised that my mom didn’t call to warn me about THIS. (Also, my theory about Baby Gene being Betty’s father-replacement is true. And… creepy? Oedipal on several levels? And Sally gets what I’m talking about.) Don goes back to his bedroom.

Don: Betts, this has to stop.

Betty: There’s nothing I can do. She’s jealous of her little brother.

Don: She’s not jealous, she’s scared, and it’s all because he has that name.

Betty accuses Don of bringing Sally into this, because he didn’t like Gene. And remember… he didn’t want the baby to be named Gene.

Betty: She’s a child, and she’ll get over it. And now you have to. He was my father, and that was his name. It’s what people do, Don. It’s how they keep the memory alive.

Don: He hated me and I hated him. That’s the memory.

The “that’s what people do” line is kind of cutting, because it highlights the fact that Don doesn’t have any family, nor does he talk about them. In some ways, Betty is calling him a non-person. And in some ways… that’s true.

Sally comes in and apologizes for waking up the baby, and Don and Sally go into the baby’s room. Don picks up Baby Gene, and sits down. He invites Sally to come over and see the baby. “You see?” he says. “It’s all right. This is your new brother. He’s only a baby. We don’t know who he is yet. We don’t know who he’s going to be. And that is a wonderful thing.”

Aw, this whole sequence is really sad. It’s getting back to the whole Don Draper/Dick Whitman thing. Don doesn’t want to remember his family. Don had to kind of re-birth himself. He was born through tragic circumstances two times over, and… it’s just kind of funny, how much he loves a clean slate.

I kind of like the idea of being able to trace yourself back a long, long way through a tradition… to know who you are from the day you’re born, to a certain extent. I mean, you can always grow from there. But maybe I’m wrong… or maybe I’m not articulating this the way I’d like to.

I feel like Don’s being a good father to Sally this season… and he’s really making an effort to try to make her not hate Baby Gene. Sally and Don actually have completely opposite feelings about the inappropriate-ness of the baby’s name. Sally doesn’t want Baby Gene to replace Grandpa Gene because he was dear to her, and Don… well, he didn’t like Gene at all, and the name’s a sour reminder, rather than a sad one.

And we end on that tableau, and a folksy song about birth and death. (I’m sure it’s famous.)

One final word about Joan: Maybe now that Harry is promoted, he can give Joan a TV job? She can’t leave the show, right?

Next on: Some ladies ask Betty if she’s suicidal. Always. Right?

xoxo…

Follow us on Twitter @dailybinge / Fan us on Facebook (search The Daily Binge)

3 Comments | RECAPS | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by yapplebee

More to Bug: MORE TO LOVE Season Finale Recap

September 21, 2009
You know: Just a normal courtship.

You know: Just a normal courtship.

“More to Love” Season One Finale, Episode 8, Aired 9/15/09

Okay, by now we know that Tali won. Woo hoo. Good times. Why am I recapping this again?

For you. All for you.

And because Luke’s Granny makes me laugh.

Roomie and I were a little surprised that Tali liked Luke enough to accept his proposal, even before we watched this episode. My best guess is that filming a reality show with a man as the prize is probably a little bit like.. You know how sometimes you’ll go on a first date, and think it was just okay? But he calls you the next day, and says all the right things, so you’re flattered enough to give him another shot?

On the other hand, if he doesn’t call, you get a little bit agitated. What’s this guy’s deal? Why’d he kiss you if he didn’t want to see you again? Etc etc. Even if you didn’t have an amazing date, you feel a little let down… and sometimes that can be mistaken for actually having feelings for the loser.

Every week these “More to Love” girls go through that “is he going to pick me?” anxiety, and if he does, not only to they feel validated… but they’re closer to winning. So… I think there’s a kind of false sense adoration going on, and it’s more like the “pick me” anxiety than actual love.

In other words, is Tali just going through this syndrome of just being glad that Luke keeps calling? Because she knows that he could be eliminating her, but he’s not?

Anyway.

Here’s Santa Maria. “All-American City,” the sign at the edge of town announces. In red, white, and blue. Luke describes it as a “blue collar town.” (I’m pretty sure Thomas has described it to me as a hicksville, which explains a lot.) Luke’s finally home with his dog. Dog to Love!

Re: Malissa, Luke wonders, “Is she ready for marriage?” What about just ready for a relationship, first? Good God.

About Tali, Luke says, “I felt something shift on the inside.” Gross. And he also says something about a flower blossoming. And being from two different worlds. Blah blah. Cliches. With a “that’s what she said” twist.

“His dog is really cute,” Roomie notes, as we watch Luke and the dog frolic in a park. “Your one redeeming quality, Luke Conley.”

Tali exits a limo. Reunited with Luke! She says that she can see herself living in Santa Maria. But she just moved to New York City! Come on, Tali.

In the bright light, Tali’s hair looks totally dyed black. There aren’t any highlights, and it’s too shiny. Tali and Luke walk his dog (no, that’s not a euphemism). Tali picks up the poop! I guess that’s good practice, since she’s going to have to be Luke’s house servant. And change Luke Jr.’s poopy diapers. (Although, hopefully not Luke Jr., because we superstitious Jews don’t name babies after living people.)

Luke describes his father as “one of a kind.” “They broke the mold with my father,” he says. Eek, that feels like an Uh Oh in the making.

Tonight Tali will be meeting Luke’s father, brother, and grandmother. His parents divorced when he was nine. But we’ll see Mama Luke later.

Luke and Tali have a picnic. She says that with Luke she feels appreciated, loved, and accepted for who she is. In front of Luke, she says to herself, “Last two, Tali. You’re gonna be the one.” Luke says the show is taking its toll on him. (Oh, go cry yourself a river, Luke. You’re getting tons of play.) “That’s why you need to choose me,” Tali says. “So I’ll balance you.”

Luke says that family members (minus Mom, I think) are all devout Christians, and that they’re going to have questions about Tali’s religion. “He’s using words like devout,” Roomie says. “This could be a deal breaker.”

Agreed. In fact, SO MANY THINGS about this whole situation should be a deal breaker. But I digress.

Tali brings Luke’s family a cake. His brother is named Michael, and his father is Mike. So his family is into the whole “Jr.” thing. Good times.

OMG his dad is CRAZY. His eyes are really round and wide-open. He has the crazy-eyes! And a palsy? I don’t know, but he moves his head around a lot in his interviews. He reminds me vaguely of some actor, or character in a movie. I don’t know. Just trust me that he’s CRAZY. Roomie agrees.

Luke’s brother is bald and looks really sullen. “How come the rest of his family isn’t so fat?” Roomie asks. But I’m preoccupied with a different question: “Is the grandma’s hair a wig?” “Yeah,” Roomie says. “It’s a bad one, too. Grandma has a bad rug.”

Tali’s talks to Grandma Luke, and says that her favorite thing about Luke is that he’s genuine. “Let’s see Tali with Dad,” Roomie says. “Grandmas are like the easiest people to win over.”

Tali is wearing a cute green and white dress. She moved to NYC from Israel with $20 in her pocket? “Doubtful,” Rachel scoffs.

Papa Mike leads the family in grace. In Jesus’ name. AWK. I can tell you from personal experience. Super awk. Especially because Luke is trying to be sensitive to the whole religious differences thing.

They talk about how Tali is afraid of water, and can’t swim. She doesn’t go in pools or the ocean. But she was in the Israeli Navy? This is still confusing to me. Luke calls himself a flotation device. Ha.

Tali says that she and Luke share the same perspective on life. She was “put down” (aka made fun of?… obviously not euthanised) as a child, and became insecure. She wants to share her story and do motivational speaking for kids. Ugh, she stole my idea. (Just kidding. Sort of.)

Tali’s Judaism is going to be a “new experience” for Luke’s family. Tali talks about the weather in Israel. She says that it’s more humid in Israel, but you get in the water to cool off. But wait… I thought she was afraid of water. Did she get into a bathtub? A bucket?

Re: the different religions question, Tali says it’s important to have faith, and she wants her kids to know their heritage from both sides of the family, and to be good people. “Good answer,” Rachel says.

“Ultimately, we believe in the same God,” Luke says. He’d be “open to [the kids] getting to know [Tali's beliefs].” Open to it? Ugh. This bugs me on so many levels. I feel like it’s really easy to say that you’re open to something when nothing’s at stake yet. Later he could just say, I was open to it, but now I’m not. It sounds like his religion is going to be the boss, and if Tali wants to slip in little tidbits of Judaism… okay. Maybe.

Also, that “the same God” stuff is bullshit, too. I mean, Papa Mike just said a prayer to Jesus. Not the same. And overall, most progressive Jews in their everyday lives are more spiritual and less God-centric.

Tali thinks that ultimately the whole different-religions thing would make her stronger. She’ll definitely have to be more stubborn. Luke says, “My father’s so opinionated, but his opinion means a lot to me.” But Papa Mike is CRAZY. Like, at-first-glance, obvious insanity.

Where the fuck is Santa Maria, by the way? They arrive in a limo, but where from? All the way from the LA area? Did they fly there from Hawaii? I feel disoriented.

And here comes Malissa.

She expects to meet the family right away, which is funny because… you think she’d be happy to have some one-on-one time with him. Luke wants to find out where Malissa’s at before she meets the family. She wants to do what Luke likes, and they go to shoot some pool. At noon? Malissa says that if Luke sucks, she might have to turn him down.

Malissa is from SoCal, and thinks she could fit in in Santa Maria. Well, there are a surprising amount of hick-sy people in Southern California, so she’s probably right. (Haha, I typed “white” at first. That too.)

Malissa is really good at pool. She’s going to beat Luke. Remember the last time a girl beat Luke at sports? It was Anna, and she got eliminated that week.  Bye bye, Malissa.

“Oh my God, Malissa is a fantastic pool player,” Luke gushes. In Luke’s mind: She’s out. (Ha.)

Luke thinks that Mal is very competitive, and used to getting what she wants. You guys, that “used to getting what she wants” thing is EXACTLY what he said about Anna post-bowling, as he eliminated her. He’s such a sore loser. And a… sexist.

Luke and Malissa eat a pepperoni pizza that looks terrible. It seriously looks like plastic. They bond over how often they eat pizza. “Maybe I need glasses or something… to watch what I eat,” Malissa jokes. The bad jokes are rubbing off! But Luke doesn’t laugh.

“Luke makes dumb jokes all the time and he didn’t even laugh at her moderately funny one,” Roomie huffs. “What an ass.”

They kiss, and… the camera pans to the nasty pizza? Yuck. Weird choice.

Oh, how the family loves Malissa. “Why is Grandma dressed like she’s in the 1800s?!” Roomie says, laughing. It’s true, she’s dressed in a very long skirt. But, as Roomie also notes, “She has somewhat modern footwear.”

“You have Irish eyes,” Papa Mike says to Malissa, but I mishear it as “iron thighs.” More to Laugh!

Yet again they say grace. (This time they eat inside. Last time they were in the backyard.) They hold hands “and let the electricity flow.” That’s a Papa Mike quote. I think he did too many drugs once. “We get crazy! We’re Conleys!” Roomie says, imitating Papa Mike.

Another strange thing about Papa Mike: “His dad is looking at her so pervy,” Roomie notes. And then: “He just likes her iron thighs.”

At one point Luke’s dad makes a creepy slow motion face as he laugh/smiles, and it’s… terrifying. With the right scary music underneath, this could be an episode of “Dadzillas.”

Papa Mike interviews that Malissa is a “piece of the puzzle that’s been missing.” He thinks Mal is a perfect match, and that Luke’s decision will be easy. Ugh, Papa Mike is lusting after Malissa. He should just go ahead and propose to her.

Granny really likes Malissa. “They can churn butter together!” Roomie says. Granny was married to her husband for 52 years. Aw, that’s sweet. And now she lives with Crazy Mike and Morose Michael in the land of Odd.

Okay, Malissa could totally rebound with Luke’s dad. He says that he feels like he’s known Malissa his whole life. Luke thinks that Tali is intriguing and endearing, partly because it took her a long time to open up.

Rachel and I don’t get this whole, “Malissa was more open” argument.  “But Tali presented herself so well,” Rachel says. I think Papa Mike is Anti-Semitic.

“Whoever you decide is going to be the one for you in your life, it needs to be someone like Malissa,” Papa Mike says. HA! Otherwise known as, “Choose Malissa.”

“The religion conflict is Crazy Dad’s deal breaker,” Roomie says. Like I said… he’s not a fan of the Jews. I’m not even sure if he knows anything about Judaism, but… well, he said a Jesus prayer in front of Tali. That’s a good indication. At the very least, he wanted her to feel uncomfortable.

Luke interviews, “Sometimes love doesn’t make sense.” I actually think that Papa Mke’s Choose Malissa campaign made Luke realize how much he likes Tali. Oops!

Luke says he needs his mom’s help. He doesn’t constantly want to see the other girl’s face in his mind. He needs to commit. This is “one of the hardest decisions” he’s ever had to make. Only one of the hardest? His future wife? Forever and ever?

The girls are back in the house after a week… so I guess they flew from Hawaii to Santa Maria, and now back to LA? “I was not looking forward to being back in this room with you,” Malissa says to Tali. “No offense.” As we all know, saying “no offense” is the equivalent of saying, “Go ahead and be offended, because I know what I said just offended you.”

Tali is worried that she doesn’t have Luke’s family’s approval.

Somebody is here… ambush from Luke’s mom! “Luke’s mom is Diane Keaton?” Roomie asks. Seriously. Mama Luke’s name is Faith. She’s blonde and blue-eyed, and she’s dressed like a guru in all while. Her outfit is kind of like a very fancy robe. And she has an accent! A clue! Maybe she’s Swedish?

Tali says that her first thought was, “Please help me. Throw me a bone!” Haha.

Mama Faith talks to the girls. Mal is going to school for interior design? And Tali’s little title card always says that she’s a designer, but she’s actually a model? (Just like Anna!)

Mal thanks Faith for raising such a great guy. But Faith seems to see Malissa’s praise as bullshit, and she won’t take the credit. “It’s in Luke’s fabric as a person.”

“It’s hard to believe that [Faith] was married to that crazy man,” Roomie says. Maybe Faith really needed a green card?

Malissa interviews, “It’s hard to know what Faith wants.” In other words, it’s hard to bullshit Faith. Right away, there’s tension between them.

Faith is totally wrapped up in Tali’s coming-to-America story, and Malissa cuts off what Tali’s saying to go check something in the oven. Rude!

Malissa really wants to show off her domestic skills! Tali says that she’s a bad cook, but she agreed to clean the dishes. Faith is like, Hey, it’s great to get a guy to cook for you. Mal says that she and Luke will have to take turns, because she’s all about the cooking! Faith makes an I-don’t-like-Malissa face.

Luke joins them for breakfast. Faith tells them a cringe-worthy Embarrassing Mom story: “Luke was so beautiful when he was little, everyone thought he was a girl.”

Faith asks the faith question (heh), and Tali says that she’s Jewish. They have the same “what about the kids” talk that went down at Papa Mike’s house. Tali says she likes religion because it’s nice knowing that there’s something bigger than us. If you’re lost, there’s something you can turn to. Faith says that she believes two people from two different religions can share the same values. Tali interviews that that’s all she needed to hear. Relief!

Faith asks the girls why they came on the show. Tali says that she wanted to show people that love comes in all shapes and sizes. She’s always been big, and she wants to show people that there’s love for everybody. “People should respect you for who you are.”

So… Tali came here to teach people a lesson? That’s cool, I guess. But that doesn’t mean she has to get married to Luke, just to prove her point.

Malissa says she tried out for the show on a whim. There’s a drumbeat of UH OH. Mal says that she got caught up in the excitement, and refers to herself as “definitely one of the main characters here.” One of the main characters?! Um, this is supposed to be reality. Oooops. Way to make it sound like you’re here for all the wrong reasons. Malissa also says that she did it for the experience.

“It’s funny that Mal said Luke’s mom is hard to read,” Roomie says. “Since it’s so blatantly obvious that she doesn’t like Malissa.” True story.

Faith asks if the girls have dated Luke-sized guys. Luke says there aren’t too many out there. But Tali says she has dated a big guy. Twist! She doesn’t care about size– she wants a guy who appreciates her intellectually.

Faith asks Tali if they can have a private conversation. Ooooh. They go out into the yard.

Tali is modeling right now? The first day she was in NYC, she walked the city for 9 hours with her resume. Tali says, “I never thought I’d do anything that has to do with modeling in my life. But she wants to do it to be a role model for teenagers.” “That’s beautiful,” Faith replies. Aww, they’re in love.

Tali says she’s been blown away by Luke. Faith says that she can see Tali fitting into the family. Well, at least Tali and Luke can spend the holidays with Faith. One sane parent is enough?

Tali says that meeting Faith has given her a better view of who Luke is. And apparently Luke is close with his mom, so… that’s good. I kind of want to hang out with Faith. She seems very Zen, in her all white fancy-robe. Tali interviews that Luke is more like his mom than his dad. Thank goodness, or else… this show would be called “More to Institutionalize.”

Back at table, Faith finds out that Mal recently put on the weight… partying. Greeaaaat. On the other hand, Tali says she was always heavier, and didn’t come out of her shell until she was 22. I can identify with that.

Next, Mal and Faith have their little chat-a-roo. Mal says that her mom died when she was ten years old, and that she wishes she could have her mom around to help with her wedding. Faith says that someone will step in and act as Malissa’s mom when the time comes. She says this with such certitude that it weirded me out at first, but now that I think about it… she’s right.

I think that Faith kind of thought that Malissa was trying to pull a weird little pity thing, and it is kind of funny to be like, Now that I might be getting married, I miss her.

Malissa’s dad remarried, but divorced that wife. I mean, we kind of know that Malissa had a rough upbringing, after meeting her sisters. Faith says that Luke has very definite ideas about family. Ooh, that’s kind of a burn. Malissa can’t help her childhood. And… Luke’s parents were divorced too. Double standard, or what?

Mal’s cheeks are really red. Faith says that Malissa seems like a well-rounded young woman… but she can’t think of her as a future daughter-in-law, at this point.

Luke and his mom talk about the girl. “They’re both very warm and at ease with who they are,” Faith says.

Faith thinks Tali is amazing, and highlights her ability to be alone in a foreign country. Tali mentioned many times that she is stubborn, but that it helps her be strong. “Tali would be a good wife for anyone,” Faith says. “And an asset to Luke.”

Faith calls Malissa “lighter-hearted,” and notes that she had a different childhood experience. “What do you think would be good about Malissa and I being together?” Luke asks. Faith is silent, and frowns. Okay, there’s your answer.

Now it’s time for Faith to leave. “I know that you’ll make a good decision,” she tells Luke.

Now Luke is really torn. He thought that bringing Tali and Malissa to his family would help clarify his decision, but it only made it more difficult.

OH MY GOD, we are only one hour in. There is still a full hour to go. This is taking forever!

The girls each get one last meeting with Luke before the proposal/elimination. Tali wears gray lipstick? At least, her lips look kind of gray. She’s wearing a cute yellow top with a belt. A belt! After my own heart!

Tali interviews that she has been burned so many times before when she says, “I’m falling for you” first. She hates not saying it, because Luke’s so genuine with her. She has to protect her heart.

“Did you feel differently about the way my mother was asking the religion questions than my father?” Luke asks. Well, duh. Tali says that she felt more closure after she met Luke’s mom.

Luke feeds Tali a maraschino cherry. Gross on several levesl. “You’ve gotta bite it,” he says. I don’t get why guys say “bite it” in a sexy way. Eventually a dirty-talking guy is going to say that at the wrong time and get his penis bitten off.

Tali asks Luke if he has any last concerns. He asks if she could she see herself moving to California. Tali says that she could definitely see that happening. “It doesn’t mean I’m giving up my dreams, I’m just changing the location.” Um, I think it’s easier to follow your dream of being a model (or whatever) in NYC vs. Santa Maria.

“I think you’re very wise, and you’re gonna make the right decision,” Tali tells Luke. “She’s probably sitting right next to you.”

Tali says she can’t really ask about Mal– she can just hope what they have is strong enough. “This is probably the longest I’ve had to wait for something in my life.” Really, Tali? People keep making these superlative claims, and I don’t buy it. This show was only about a month long. I’ve had to wait longer for almost everything I’ve wanted in my life. Seriously.

“This is boring!” Roomie declares.

Tali and Luke confess their love for each other. “I wanted to wait, but I can’t,” Tali says. (That’s what she said.) (It’s subtitled.) (Because they are whispering.) They make out.

The whole “I love you” thing is kind of surprising, because I know that “The Bachelor” (which has the same producer) won’t allow the bachelor to declare his love until the proposal. But this is “More to Love.” It’s more in every way!

Tali was in love before, but never like this. “This is actually happening to me,” Tali says to Luke. It’s kind of cute. She thinks that because of her weight, she never felt like the other person cared about her. Tali says that love is “something I gave up on a long time ago.”

“She gave up on love, and she’s only 26?” Roomie asks, incredulous. “How can someone so pretty have such low self esteem? I don’t think she knows how good looking she is.” I can understand a pretty person having low self-esteem, but I can’t understand the giving-up-on-love-in-one’s-early-twenties part of it.

Luke interviews that he loves both girls. But he thinks there is a diff between loving and being in love. He’s going into his date with Mal with an open heart and mind.

Malissa interviews, “No matter how strong your feelings are for someone, you might not be the one for them.” That has happened to her before. “Ultimately I just want him to be happy.” That’s… not bad, Malissa. You’re going to be okay.

Luke says, “Marriage is something I take very seriously. When I get married, we’re going to be together ’til death do us part.” Or else!

Oooh, Mal got the night date. She’s sunburned with tan lines, and her strapless dress doesn’t fit her top. Bad call.

“Size up! Nobody else will know,” Roomie shouts, re: Malissa’s ill-fitting dress. That’s excellent advice, by the by.

Luke is still waiting for Malissa to put herself out there and be vulnerable. That’s what he was looking for last week… maybe it’s just not going to happen.

Luke: Don’t be bashful. You can tell me whatever’s in your heart.

Malissa: You are.

If the corny lines are any indication, Malissa and Luke are meant for each other.

Mal is scared. She doesn’t want to be wrong about what she’s thinking and feeling. The fact that Malissa wants Luke happy tells him everything he needs to know. “I feel confident that I’ll be very happy with you in my life,” Luke says. YOU LIE!

“If you ask me to marry you: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes,” Malissa says. Hahaha, that’s what Sookie said on “True Blood,” when she and Hugo got fake-engaged. And he turned out to be terrible!

“Sick,” Roomie says. “People don’t say that in real life.” I don’t know… I might. But, probably in a joking way.

And then this happens: Malissa says, “You’re not getting rid of me anytime soon.”

“Just tomorrow,” Roomie quips. And then, in a moment of reflection. “I miss Heather. And Bonnie.” Me too!

Malissa tells Luke, “You are, by far, the most amazing guy I’ve ever met.”

“You need to get out more,” Roomie quips. I kind of wish she could have been there with them. Rach could have talked some major sense into these peeps.

Malissa says that if she and Luke can have feelings for each other under these “odd” circumstances, the future is going to be so great. And Luke agrees! They confess their love, once again girl-first. “You’re very special to me,” Luke tells Malissa. But not special enough!

“What an asshole!” Rach says. “This is the same day, right? He tells two women he loves them in the same day. He’s a big fat dickhead!” (This is even funnier because her mouth is full of ice cream.)

Luke interviews that two women giving him their hearts is flattering and a burden. Mal says she has been “struck by love.” Hahaha.

“I don’t know what to expect tomorrow,” Malissa says. “I just expect him to pick me.” Sad times.

Luke interviews, “My life could go in two different directions. Marriage is forever.” You don’t HAVE to marry either one of them, Luke. Haven’t you ever watched reality TV before? You choose all, none, one now and one later… whatever.

Ah, the melancholy morning of elimination. (Ha, in my notes I wrote “malancholy.” Get it? Mal-ancholy?) Luke gets out of bed. Put a shirt on, Luke! Also: Why do we need to see every excruciating step. Get on with it!

“His place is a mess,” I observe, as he makes coffee in his filthy kitchen.

Rachel schools me. “It’s representative of his mindset, Elysse.” Deep!

“I just feel like I really want to make the right decision,” Luke says. Duh-uh-uh.

Luke goes to pick out the engagement ring at a Ben Bridges jewelry store. “Do you have anything in mind?” the saleslady asks. “Actually, I’m trying to decide between two amazing girls,” Luke replies. HA. That’s a new one. Also, it shows how RIDICULOUS this show is.

Luke describes Tali and Malissa to the lady. “It’s not like one ring matches blondes and the other, brunettes,” Rachel points out.

The girls get makeovers (but not at the same time… cat fight!) from a guy in a bandanna who says, “Remember me?” I don’t remember him.

“It’s either going to be a big relief for a big disappointment,” Malissa says to the hairdresser.

Okay, so one of the rings that Luke picks has something to do with the Inuit word for “fire.” Which is kind of funny, because people only ever talk about how the Inuit have a billion words for “snow.” Oh, it’s for Malissa. I hope they have a 24-hour return policy!

On to Tali’s ring. Luke says that Tali “grew up in a war-torn country.” Um, she grew up in Israel. I don’t know if it’s accurate to classify Israel as war-torn. She didn’t grow up in Bosnia, or Sarajevo. Also… what does that have to do with the ring?

And then… I think he only buys one ring? So the ring-buying helped him make his decision? Whatever.

“This show’s making me angry,” Roomie says. “I just want it to be over.” Same!

Luke meets with Emme. Where has she been? Haha.

“She didn’t really host much, did she?” Roomie asks. We both kind of forgot about her this week. Until now.

Luke and Emme have a little sit-down-and-chat session. Luke hopes that the sad hurtle of dumping one girl doesn’t cloud over his evening. Oh wow, ouch. It’s definitely going to cloud Malissa’s evening. And… probably her whole year. (Maybe.)

UGH, now that we’re at the engagement, it hits home how LUDICROUS reality TV relationships really are. I mean, think about what a real engagement usually entails: Years of dating, a full-fledged relationship, maybe living with each other for a while, maybe even picking out the ring together. Something about Luke going to the ring shop and describing both girls just made me want to barf all over this show.

THIS is what’s crumbling the institution of marriage. It has NOTHING to do with the gays.

Mal getting ready. Roomie and I agree that despite the professional styling, she looks like a hot mess. And Tali and Malissa are both wearing hideous dresses. Malissa’s is fuschia and flowy and just seems to make her look big. And her hair is tied back. After going to a hairdresser?

“Maybe she’s had time to think about it and she feels like it’s too much too fast,” Luke says, re: the mystery girl he’s about to propose to. “Who knows? But there’s only one way to find out.”

There’s an ugly purple red carpet and sparkly silver strands of… something.

Malissa first… means Malissa’s out. “If it’s not me, my heart will break in half,” she says. Medic!

Mal walks down the longest purple carpet ever… over a swimming pool… through the house? “It’s so nice to see you. I feel so much better now,” Malissa says to Luke. Not for long!

Luke talks about how right for each other he and Mal could be. And tells her he loves her. Ugh, this is going to sting. “I do love you. But… my heart belongs to somebody else.”

Me: What’s she gonna say?

Roomie: What DO you say?… Talk about leading someone on.

Malissa: Everything felt so right. I just can’t believe I was so wrong… I think I just want to go now.

Luke walks her out, holding her hand. “He shouldn’t have told her he loved her, especially in the goodbye speech,” Rachel says. Agreed. Way to twist the knife.

They hug goodbye. “I’ve gotta go. I can’t do this.” Malissa gets into the limo, where she says, “He was everything I was looking for. So everything just felt so right and [sigh] it wasn’t. What makes her better than me, you know? What’s missing?”

Malissa didn’t expect to fall in love here. “But I did… and I was wrong.” She cries. Aw. This is sad.

“She’s real pretty, too,” Roomie says. “She’ll probably find someone better.”

Luke sits on a step on the purple carpet of love. “I knew that Mal and I couldn’t be right for each other,” he says. “Because my heart belongs to someone else.” Guess who?

“He should have asked Tali first,” I note, always the practical one. “In case she said no. And then he could have proposed to Malissa.”

“I’m in love,” Luke gushes. “And I’m ready to express that in the most profound way.” The most profound means of expression? What would that be? Ribbon dancing?

Luke feels like he and Tali could change the world together. Like Pinky and the Brain, or something.

The cut of Tali’s dress is nice, but we don’t like the pastel print or the sparkly collar (or whatever it’s called… neckline?).

“I’m more ready than ever to be Luke’s wife,” Tali says. By “ever” you mean… the month you’ve known him? “More than anything else in the world.”

“I know life has made it difficult for people like you and I to find love,” Luke speeches to Tali. “Over time, I’ve been able to watch your confidence grow. You are such a beautiful, curvy woman.”

Luke talks about the fact that he and Tali are from two different worlds, and would have obstacles to overcome. From the look on Tali’s face, you can tell that she thinks he’s about to eliminate her. But… Luke loves her for who she is.

By the way, Luke is breathing really hard. Both of them are. Readjust your mics, or something.

Luke gets down on one knee. Tali is shaking. Tali says yes, after taking a big breath and shaking her head.

And then they make out passionately. “They’re shoving their tongues down each others’ throats like a couple of teenagers,” Rachel observes. Luke picks Tali up and… they continue to kiss noisily.

“This is gross,” Rachel says. “Cut! Oh my God, stop making out and say something!”

“Thank you for being you, and having faith in me,” Tali says. “You have my heart, for good.” “You have mine,” Luke replies.

Tali: I gave up on love, was always put down for my weight, never heard “I love you” back. I couldn’t have asked for a better end… dreams do come true.

“Maybe she deserves him,” I say. I’m kind of at a loss, here. That make-out numbed my brain.

“Well they’re going to do it, with those horny kisses,” Rachel concludes. “He face-raped her.”

Luke talks about how he was so alone before he came here.

One last thought from Tali as the credits roll: “For all the big girls out there… it’s the size of your heart that really matters.”

“Next season, on More to Love… ” Rachel intones. But no, that’s it. “Oh well.”

I don’t know how to feel about this. I want to know how long they last, that’s for sure.

Um, oh– one last thing. I got an email from Emme’s people (or something like that?) telling me about what she’s up to next. So… if you love Emme, check this out. More to Love!

“The supermodel/fashion guru turned TV host is taking her skills online for a Make Yourself Over Mama Boot Camp on ParentsConnect.com. For four weeks, Emme will give first-hand tips and advice to moms on the go.”

So… that’s a little treat for all you Emme-enthusiasts. I’m still confused as to how her name is pronounced.

Wow, I just recapped a whole season of a reality show. It was only eight episodes, but still…

When is “Amazing Race” coming back?

xoxo…

Follow us on Twitter @dailybinge / Fan us on Facebook (search The Daily Binge)

Leave a Comment » | RECAPS | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by yapplebee

I’m Gay for PARKS & RECREATION

September 20, 2009
Meet the cast: Mark, Tom, Leslie

Meet the characters: Mark, Tom, Leslie, Ann, Ron, April, and Andy.

“Parks and Recreation” had such a short season last year that I only caught the finale. But it’s back in the mix this year, partly because Roomie loves it, so it was on the DVR. I gotta say, I dig the opening title sequence. Great work!

Leslie (Amy Poehler) has been doing zoo promotions, and performs a wedding ceremony for two penguins. After the fact she finds out that the penguins are both male.

(Remember the famous gay penguins in San Francisco who adopted a baby and later broke up over a female penguin? Penguins: Just like celebrities!)

Everyone thinks that Leslie was making a bold political gesture, and she’s suddenly the darling of the gay community of Pawnee. A gay bar called “The Bulge” sends her a cake… and T-shirts.

Leslie: The Bulge is a gay bar? Ugh, the nights I’ve wasted there.

Oh yeah, and Aubrey Plaza is on this show. When I saw her in FUNNY PEOPLE, I didn’t think I’d ever seen her before. But… here she is. And Wikipedia tells me that she is… “April, an apathetic college intern whom Leslie hopes to inspire.”

April basically seems like the real-life version of Violet from THE INCREDIBLES. But she’s not the confident Violet at the end of the movie. She’s the moody, hair-in-her-eyes, hate-my-parents Violet.

But not today. Turns out that April is inspired by Leslie’s unintentionally political act, and brings her boyfriend (and another guy) to the office to meet Leslie.

April: This is my boyfriend, Derek. The is Derek’s boyfriend, Ben.

Leslie: Hey. Oh. Wait, sorry, what’s this situation?

April: What do you mean?

Leslie: How does this work?

April: Derek is gay but he’s straight for me but he’s gay for Ben and Ben’s really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.

Derek: It’s not that complicated.

Ben: No.

Leslie: Oh. Yeah. Sure.

Leslie (interview): The thing about youth culture is I don’t understand it.

Priceless.

Also great? Leslie has a picture of Hillary Clinton hanging in her office. I’m thinking that’s definitely a wink at the fact that Amy Poehler has very famously portrayed Hillary on “Saturday Night Live.”

Leslie finds out that The Bulge is throwing a party in her honor, and embraces her “fabulous”-ness.

But OH NO, Marsha from the Society for Family Stability Foundation (SFSF) is really mad about the gay penguin wedding. She says that if Leslie doesn’t annul the marriage, she will publicly call for Leslie’s resignation.

Over a fake penguin marriage.

Okay, this is where not watching last season gets a little confusing for me. Nurse Ann (Rashida Jones) informs us that she has ditched her annoying boyfriend (Andy) and he went to Kansas to “climb mountains.” Now she’s flirting with Mark Brendanawicz (Paul Schneider, cutie at large), who fell in a big pit (last season was all about that pit, I think) at the end of last season after kissing Leslie?

So Mark was in the hospital for a week, and now he’s flirting with Ann, not Leslie. Because… he says he was really desperate when he kissed Leslie. But Ann doesn’t want to date Mark, although she think he’s gotten nicer since he hit his head. She tells Leslie that Mark asked her out, but she won’t go out with Mark because she is Leslie’s friend. Ann and Leslie hug, and Leslie seems sad. Aw. She’s lonely.

Whew. I think that’s right. Correct me if I’m wrong.

The overarching theme of this series seems to be that Leslie is lonely and love-lorn. She’s so sweet and so… alone.

I have to give a shout-out to Roomie’s favorite line of the week:

Leslie: Hey, Brendanawicz, you big sandwich eater!

Oh yeah, Aziz Ansari is on this show. He’s great. I follow his Twitter. Good guy. He plays… Tom Haverford? Oh, thanks again, Wikipedia: He “changed his name from Aziz Abdul Al’Rahman to be more appealing in politics.” And… “Although he is married to an attractive surgeon, he still hits on women.”

When Tom/Aziz reads Leslie’s card from The Bulge, he notes that they called her “grrrrrrrrl,” with “eight Rs.” In FUNNY PEOPLE he played a comedian named Raaaaaaaandy! With eight As. Another wink? I think so.

Okay, so Leslie and Tom enter the party at The Bulge.

Leslie: I can’t believe this is a gay bar.

Tom: Yeah, especially with that heterosexual cowboy greeting us on the way in. [A very gay picture of a shirtless cowboy.]

Leslie: Where should I drink now?

Tom: There’s a bar on 8th Street called “Pitchers and Catchers,” you can go there.

Leslie: Yeah.

Leslie wants to tell the Boys of the Bulge that her “position is [she has] no position.” She is going to “regretfully decline” their invitation to honor her. But then the gays tell Leslie that she’s their hero, and she gets swept up in the party.

April brings Leslie up onto the stage and says, “She’s Leslie Knope, and she wants to recruit you.” (If you don’t know that she’s riffing on Harvey Milk…. go rent MILK, like, immediately.)

Also, how funny is it that her last name is essentially “Nope”? Poor woman. She tries so hard, but… nope. Speaking of that, April and her boys created a poster in the style of the Obama HOPE poster, except that it has Leslie’s face and says, “KNOPE.” But when Leslie is up on stage, at times the camera cuts off the poster so that it just says, “NOPE.”

Leslie tries to explain that she wasn’t trying to take a stand, but the gays are chanting her name and don’t really care. So she says, “I just have one thing to say. Together we can change Pawnee forever. Let’s dance!” And then “Boom Boom Boom” comes on, and they dance. And Leslie gets drunk.

Leslie: You know why tonight’s fun? Because everyone’s so gay. And they know how to have fun, and… the dancing! Just… it’s everyone is just who they are. And who they are is just stone-cold gay.

And then Leslie is wearing rabbit ears and singing along with “Poker Face,” into a microphone. “Blah blah blah blah!”

Leslie: There’s two bisexual guys here and I got both their phone numbers!

The next day, Leslie is still singing “Poker Face” while she sits at her computer, in the office that she shares with Tom. She had three drinks named after her at The Bulge. She’s practically the next Liza Minnelli.

Leslie: Plus Ben and Derek are taking me shopping on Saturday, and we are gonna find out my actual bra size! I guess I’m kinda like queen of the gays.

It’s so important to wear a bra that fits just right, ladies. I am forever getting resized. If you’re going to spend $50 on a bra, you’d best be sure.

Oh, the guy I haven’t mentioned yet is Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), Leslie’s boss (I guess). He tells Leslie that she has to go on TV (“Pawnee Today”) and defend herself, because anti-gay marriage Marsha “from the family thing” has called for Leslie’s resignation. NOOO!

Leslie: Why? I haven’t even officially taken a stand on gay marriage.

Ron: That’s funny. Somebody just told me you were queen of the gays.

Tom is a regular guest on Pawnee Today, and we see clips of him flirting relentlessly with the host, Joan Callamezzo.

Oh, guess who’s back? It’s Ann’s douche-ex Andy, in a suit. (Also, Ann and Andy? As in, Raggedy?) Ann asks Andy, “How was mountain climbing?” He shakes his head and says “Oh…” and looks off into the distance as if it was great, but then says, “WHAT?” Haha. What was he doing?

On Pawnee Today, Joan is obviously on Marsha’s side. Bitch! Marsha wants Leslie to annul the marriage, reimburse taxpayers for the cost of the wedding (what, twenty dollars?), and resign.

Leslie: Oh, is that it? Anything else? Want me to jump off a building, perform harakiri [sounds like "Harry Carey]…?

Marsha: Move to a different town? No, I kid.

By the way, Pawnee is in Indiana.

Leslie says that she busts her ass for the people of Pawnee, and she can’t win. Poor Leslie. Seriously, she can’t win in any category of her life. Earlier when Marsha came to her office and asked if she was married, Leslie gave the saddest and awkwardest answer about how she hopes to get married soon, but isn’t dating, and is focusing on her career. But “focusing on my career” is more or less code for: lonely and can’t find a date.

All of the call-in viewers think that Leslie should resign.

Back at Ann’s place, she comments on Andy’s fancy looks, and he says that the suit was three thousand dollars. Yeah right. He “sold out” and got a boring office job in town. But he’s really happy, and feels like he’s matured (he pronounces it like the British do: “matoored”) a lot. (Luckily, Ann calls him on that.) Andy apologizes for being a terrible boyfriend, and really thinks it would “behoove” them to give it another shot.

Ann: I’m really happy for you about your new job, and that you’re learned some new words, but I’m sure about my decision.

Andy leaves, takes off his jacket, and goes into the pit behind Ann’s house (I think), where he’s living in a tent. “The hardest thing about living in this pit is keeping my suit pressed,” he interviews. So… I guess he really does have a job? “And the rats. It’s like a freaking rat parade every night.”

PS Last season Andy broke both legs when he fell into the pit, so it’s kind of funny that he lives there now.

Andy says that he’s living close to Ann because he wants to protect her from the “weird people” who live around there. Right. Like… him.

Leslie doesn’t want to annul the penguin wedding, because it was cute. She apologizes for having fun, and for making something cute. But she will not annul! She goes and visits the penguins, and she is sad that she doesn’t have a mate. Then she goes to Ann’s and tells her that she ought to go on that date with Mark. Because… we’re all just animals!

Leslie: He might not be my gay penguin but he could be yours. [...] Don’t not do it because of me, because I’m really fine with it. [...] Plus I already called him and said that you were dying to go out with him, so have fun!

Leslie transfers the penguins to a zoo in Iowa, where gay marriage is legal… and she drives them there in child seats in the back of her car. (Don’t worry, she mists them.)

Leslie: Oh look, Six Flags! I should take them on a water slide. They might die… but it would be so cute!

And that was “Parks and Recreation.” I had a good time. (And you should watch it, because so much of the funny is in the delivery.)

xoxo…

Follow us on Twitter @dailybinge / Fan us on Facebook (search The Daily Binge)

Leave a Comment » | RECAPS | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by yapplebee

Thumbs Up!: GLEE Recap, Episode 103

September 17, 2009
Josh Groban and his bodyguard, Flex.

Josh Groban and his bodyguard, Flex.

Episode 103, “Acafellas” Air Date: 9/16/09

Um, I just meant for this to be a quick little post of some of the funniest quotes from last night’s episode of “Glee.” But…  I’m pretty sure this is just going to end up being a normal-sized recap, because there were a lot of great lines. But not enough Jane Lynch (Sue)!

Terry cooks dinner for Will’s parents. (Re: the hamburger casserole, Terry says, “Watch out for bones.” Yuck!) Will announces to his family that Terry is pregnant, even though Terry asked him not to. He’s so excited! He just can’t hide it!

Will’s dad is Victor Garber! (I love Victor Garber.) In a bowtie. And he spent six months in the Hanoi Hilton. How John McCain-esque. Will worries that he’s not equipped to be a father, and Victor Garber blames Will’s low confidence on his own lack of guts. He wanted to be a lawyer!

It’s a sad scene, with Victor Garber regretting all the ways in which he’s been a bad father. (And yes, I’m just going to keep calling him Victor Garber.)

Rachel interrupts Will as he teaches the Glee kids a new dance. “You don’t have to ask me every time for permission to go to the bathroom, Rachel,” Will says. “You can just go.” Wow, I wasn’t afforded that type of freedom until college.

The Cheerios of Glee (you know, the spies) have convinced Rachel that the Glee club needs a trained choreographer. “Dakota Stanley was the understudy to the candelabra in Beauty & the Beast on Broadway.” So he’s the obvious choice? I mean, it’s Ohio.

(Remember last week on SYTYCD, how Adam Shankman called that crazy “Shatter Shatter” guy’s dance “Off-Broadway, like Cleveland”? I guess that’s what we’re dealing with here.)

Will’s not convinced about the merits of Dakota.

Will: Just because he understudied, doesn’t mean he ever performed.

Cheerio Quinn: Did you ever perform, Mr. S?

Oooh, dirty! I love it.

Will takes his problem to Emma.”They say it takes more certainly than talent to be a star,” she says. “I mean, look at John Stamos.” Ha!

Actually, that’s not a bad idea. Let’s look at him.

Okay, back to work.

Emma is in a (sham) relationship with Ken Tanaka. So that she won’t seem like she’s overtly hitting on Will, I guess. Re: Ken, Emma tells Will that there’s nothing sexier in a man than confidence.

By the end of this recap/episode, it’s going to be incredibly apparent that this week’s theme is “confidence.” You gotta have confidence!

Teacher’s lounge. Big Gay Sandy (Stephen Tobolowsky, of “Heroes” fame) waltzes in wearing his pastel sweater stuff. He’s the former Glee teacher.

Will: Sandy. I thought you weren’t allowed on campus.

Sandy: No William, I’m not allowed within fifty feet of children.

Distinctions. Learn them!

The male teachers are assembling to welcome back the shop teacher, Henri. He’s addicted to over-the-counter medicine, and… accidentally cut off his thumbs. Gross! (And unlike “True Blood,” his fingers were apparently not re-attachable.) Sandy and Henri go way back… in fact, Sandy was the mastermind behind McKinley High’s wood shop program?

Sandy: I told Figgins that you are going to have a school full of nancies unless you get some hot wood in those teenagers’ hands.

Hot wood! I can’t believe that made it past the censors. But I’m glad. So glad.

Henri enters with his bandaged hands, and he is sad. “I’ll never hitchhike across Europe,” he laments. “That was a dream, man.” Probably an ill-conceived dream. Doesn’t Henri know what happens to hitchhikers? (I’ve seen the ads for the horror movies.)

Terry’s co-worker, Howard, brings the cake that Terry was supposed to bring. She’s stuck doing Howard’s inventory, because Howard can’t count to thirty? Sad. And the cake has two nubby-looking hands on it. Sensitive.

The men sit around eating cake (Henri has trouble, without thumbs), and Will says that he’s glad to hang with the guys and talk about feelings.

Ken: Want to know what I’m feeling? I live at the YMCA, and I only have one pair of long pants…

Ugh, and Emma is dating him! It must be hard to date, with only one pair of pants. And, you know, nowhere to live.

Sandy: Oh please, my life is a disaster with no creative outlet, other than writing my “Desperate Housewives” fan fiction.

Howard: I’m afraid of my vacuum.

Will: I know how you guys feel. I apparently don’t know how to dance.

Henri: I don’t have thumbs!

Henri wins, especially since this is his pity party. The other guys sing “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” and, THE MUSIC MAN-style, they realize that they harmonize well. (Long story short: Harold Hill teaches the important men of River City how to be a barbershop quartet, so that they’ll be too busy singing to figure out that he’s a fraud.) (Watch it here!)

Around this time, Roomie and I discussed the fact that we both attended middle schools where one or more of the staff were missing fingers. And it was verboten to say,”Thumbs up!” to the thumbless ones. (I mean, for obvious sensitivity reasons.) I guess that’s a common thing? (Or at least, more common than you’d think?) Teachers without thumbs?

Will, Ken, Henri, and Howard form an acappella hip-hop group. Ken wants to call the group the Testostertones (HA), but Howard says, “Acafellas,” and Will loves it. Singing with the Acafellas makes Will feel confident. He found his happy place!

Sandy tries to come to rehearsal, but Will turns him away.

Will: Sandy, we voted. When you’re in the group, it’s creepy.

There is another perk to being an Acafella. Will thinks that his singing is making Terry have more sex with him, but it’s really because she wants to get pregnant. (Remember, everybody thinks she already IS pregnant.)

Will: It was amazing. I mean, we started doing it once a week.

Will’s so busy with the Acafellas that he tells the kids to go ahead and hire Dakota Stanley. He doesn’t have time to choreograph Glee, anyhow. He has his Fellas, now.

The Cheerios (Santana in particular) have convinced Rachel that Glee is all about winning, and this troubles Finn. He tries to approach Rachel in the hallway.

Rachel: Look you have your popular clique and your football and your cliche of a blonde girlfriend, but Glee is my one shot. If this doesn’t work out, then my whole high school life will be nothing but an embarrassment.

Finn: What’s a cliche? Is that a bad thing?

Looking back at high school, I don’t remember feeling like it mattered all that much if my high school life was an embarrassment. I just wanted to graduate and move on. But… I guess Rachel needs to prove herself. And redeem herself? She has faced a lot of humiliation.

Finn asks Rachel if this is one of those girl things where you act like you’re mad about one thing, but you’re really mad about something else. Very perceptive, Finn!

Finn: For a while there you were all over me, and now you just yell at me all the time.

Rachel: I’ve moved on and I’m focusing on my career now.

Hahaha, I think Rachel is my TV character soul mate right now. Rachel, Liz Lemon from “30 Rock,” and Peggy from “Mad Men.” She’s totally right about this phenomenon. Girls just want to Know What’s Up, so if you get a little bit of interest from a guy and then he’s back to nothing, he’s going to get the “I’m annoyed at you” treatment. Now you know, guys.

(And in case you’re not sure what I’m talking about, Finn kissed Rachel last week. And now… nothing!)

Rachel’s bottom line to Finn: “You have feelings for me, and you don’t have the guts to admit it.”

Finn threatens to quit if they hire Dakota. OH NO.

You may be wondering why the Cheerios want Glee to hire a great choreographer. Quinn explains her tactics to Coach Sue. “Glee is soft,” she says. “Dakota will eat them alive.”

Sue: I learned a lot in special forces. I was on the strike team in Panama when we extracted Noriega. We took out the shepherd, and then we went after the sheep. You have to go after these Glee-clubbers one by one. I want my full budget restored. I need a fog machine.

Ha!

Mercedes stands at her locker, watching all of the high school couples kiss. Fabulous Kurt approaches, wearing a coat that looks like it belongs on Napoleon, or a marching band kid.

Mercedes: Have you ever kissed anybody?

Kurt: Yes, if by someone you mean the tender crook of my elbow.

Aw! Kurt explains that being in Glee means that “special ed kids will get more play than we will.” That was definitely the case, in my high school experience. (And I was only in glee club in elementary school.)

Kurt and Mercedes plan a trip to the mall, to pick something out for her to wear to their scope-out of Vocal Adrenaline (the amazing Glee club from the premiere… which is one of Dakota’s schools). “Every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion,” Kurt says, before waltzing away.

Immediately, Mercedes is surrounded by the Cheerios of Glee. Somehow, they convince her that Kurt is interested in being her boyfriend. UH OH. (And… what?)

The Acafellas do a hilarious performance at Benchwarmers Sports Bar (what a terrible name for a sports bar). Principal Figgins, Emma, Terry, and Will’s parents are all in the audience. (Don’t these people have anything to do with their lives?)

Victor Garber to Will: We just sold all 17 copies of your CD!

Will’s Mom: I didn’t have to show any of them my bosoms!

Oh yeah, PS: Will’s mom is a total alcoholic.

Victor bought a CD for Will’s future baby. Aww. Victor Garber is the best dad! (Well, maybe not on “Alias.”)

Figgins invites the Acafellas to sing at a PTA meeting.

Figgins: I need those parents happy! They found out we’re been serving their children prison food.

Actually, my friend once explained to me that big food corporations often manufacture food for various types of institutions, and that the food is distinguished by stars. Like, 5-star food is for nice hotels, and 2-star food is for prisons? But it all comes from the same place? Or something? So maybe the prison food thing isn’t so surprising?

When I was in elementary school, my friend saw a fly in her pre-packaged pizza hot lunch before she even unwrapped it. We took it over to the principal. The principal unwrapped the pizza, picked the fly out of it with a spork, and handed it back to my friend. Good to go!

So yeah… truth is stranger than fiction?

The next day, the Acafellas get a great write-up in the paper. Will reads it to the rest of the group.  My favorite line is, “Ken Tanaka’s smoky baritone is like a cool fog that sweeps over a deep ocean of emotional intensity.”

Sandy is still trying to get into the group. He tells the guys that Josh Groban is coming to the PTA meeting.

Howard: Who is Josh Groban?

Sandy: Who is Josh Groban?! Kill yourself!… He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us. And if he were here right now, I would club you to death with his Critic’s Choice award.

Poor Howard! But… hilarious lines.

Ken: Why would he come to our show?

Sandy: Because I invited him. Josh and I have become frequent pen pals since he accidentally friended me on MySpace. And being my close personal confidant, he is only interested if I am in the group.

But Will still refuses to let Sandy into the Acafellas. Sandy tells the guys that “the blogs are all atwitter” (ha), because apparently Josh Groban is looking for an opening act. Is it possible that he’s coming to scout the Acafellas?

The Glee kids and the Evil Glee Cheerios arrive at the high school where Vocal Adrenaline is housed.

Rachel: Vocal Adrenaline rehearses every day from two-thirty until midnight.

Hahaha! And sad, because I actually knew kids in high school who were forced into insane rehearsals. (Actually… I was one of them? How soon I forget.) (I blocked it out.)

Mercedes is wearing weird (unflattering) denim overalls, but Kurt says they look “fly.” Mercedes asks Kurt if he’d like to hang out later. (You know, like a date.) Kurt says, “Come over, it’s Liza Minnelli week on AMC.”

Now, you might be pounding your head against your television, saying, “DUH DUH DUH, KURT IS GAY!” But… it’s high school. And… sometimes we lie to ourselves, in the name of love (or something). (And as fine-tuned as my gaydar is now, I can’t say that I never dated a gay guy when I was in high school.)

The Glee-sters happen upon one Vocal Adrenaline girl barfing into a trashcan. A girl in a neck brace is standing over her. “You can’t leave rehearsals for any reason,” the neck brace girl says. “That includes heat exhaustion, or Crohn’s disease!” Ha! (Crohn’s disease isn’t funny, but hearing it get a shout-out on TV is funny. Such a specific thing on the no-excuses list.)

The girls warn the Glee-sters that Dakota Stanley is a monster.

Vocal Adrenaline puts on a hot performance of the Duffy song “Mercy.” (Thanks to Roomie for that intel.) It’s pretty cool that this show is giving so many dancers and/or singers work. At the end of that amazingness, we see Dakota (Whit Hertford) in the wings. Of course, he’s irate: “Get off my stage!” UH OH.

(I was expecting Dakota to be surprising, but I am double-surprised by the fact that he was in a short film that I wrote! Haha. It’s a small town!)

The Glee kids run up to Dakota as he gets into a top-down car (er, a convertible) with a hot blonde. He tells them that his fee is $8000/number, plus $10,000 if they make top three… at state? At nationals? (Maybe I missed it.) “And with Dakota Stanley at the wheel, you will place in the top three.” He speeds away, and the kids despair. Where will they get that much money?

Meanwhile, Will is dealing with his own disappointments. Howard quits Acafellas. “I’m doing inventory,” he tells Will over the phone. “It was never my dream.” Emma brings some bad news to rehearsal: Henri drank six bottles of cough syrup, and has to go to rehab before he can be around kids again. It seems that Acafellas was adding too much stress to his thumbless life.

Will’s ready to throw in the towel and disband Acafellas for good, but Emma tells him not to give up so easy.

Finn comes to Will to vent about his problems with Glee.

Finn: I’m quitting Glee too.

Will: I didn’t quit Glee.

Finn tells Will that Rachel has “gone all chick-batty.” Plus…

Finn: I gotta be honest with you, it’s hard being the quarterback when I get in the huddle and all the guys are calling me Deepthroat.

Wow, yet another one past the censors. I wonder what they ARE catching? I’d love to hear those lines.

Will tells Finn that if he quits Glee now, he’ll regret it for the rest of his life. “Trust me, I know.” Um… projecting much, Will? I don’t think Finn would regret it THAT much. And then… Will invites Finn to be in Acafellas? (Or maybe that comes later? Either way, Finn ends up being an Acafella.)

High school bully Puck (the one with the mohawk) asks Will and Ken if he can join the Acafellas because he wants to pick up cougar moms at the PTA meeting. Turns out that Cheerio-Santana broke up with Puck because his credit score is terrible. But “a cougar never disappoints.”

Puck delivers the following little monologue over the sweet sounds of a sexy Spanish song, accompanied by acoustic guitar (it’s a great choice). I guess it’s supposed to be Puck’s song? We see him (above-ground) poolside, shirtless, seducing a cougar.

Puck: “My above-ground pool-cleaning business went through the roof once I embraced my gift for music and gave these fine ladies the romance they were missing. I also stopped beating people up so much.”

Ken worries that Puck isn’t serious about the Acafellas. He grabs Puck by the collar.

Ken: My love life is hanging by a thread, and that thread is Acafellas. It drives my girlfriend nuts in the pants.

He says more, but that’s all you need to hear.

So Finn and Puck are in Acafellas, and Will tries to teach them some dance moves. But they’re having trouble. “Dude, my bowels have better moves than you,” Puck gripes to Finn. Will tries a different approach, and asks what the baseball coach tells them about hitting.

Puck: You charge the pitcher, bring the bat.

Ha!

Will teaches the guys that it’s all about the hips. He tells them to imagine that they are in Madison Square Garden. “All the beautiful ladies out there, swing that big old bat.” Sexual!

Rachel and Tina (the Asian Glee-ster with the stutter) try to have a “gay-vention” with Mercedes.

Tina: It’s Kurt. He’s lady-fabulous.

Mercedes is annoyed: “Just because he wears nice clothes, doesn’t mean he’s on the down-low.”

Rachel: He wore a corset to second period today.

Tina tells Mercedes that she can find a better man, but Mercedes worries that she can’t. If Kurt likes her for her, why not pursue him? Uh oh.

The Cheerios and Glee kids have a car wash to raise money, so that they can afford to hire Dakota. Hilariously, the Cheerios have bikini-top cheer uniforms, for occasions such as this one. Coach Sue and Emma stand off to the side, watching. Sue calls Emma “Irma.” Burn?

Emma: When I was little if I got all As my dad would let me wash his car, so I’d get my little toothbrush out and I’d clean it all weekend long.

Sue: You know, the way you use your mental illness to help these kids is really inspiring. I’m SHOCKED you’re not married.

Mercedes and Kurt are washing his really expensive-looking SUV. (I don’t know what it is… an Escalade?) We already found out before that Kurt’s dad is allowing him to use the car in exchange for… not acting too gay.

Mercedes to Kurt: Your rims are clean. We polished them like three times already.

Oh my goodness! Rims. Dirty. And if you weren’t totally convinced that Kurt is gay, by… every possible clue in the world… there’s this:

Kurt: Did you bring a change of clothes? Because we’re going straight to the sing-along SOUND OF MUSIC.

Mercedes tells Kurt that now that they’ve been on a couple of dates, she wants to make it official that they’re a couple. Kurt’s like, Whuh? He says he’s in love with someone else, and looks longingly at Finn. Mercedes turns and sees Rachel, and when she calls Kurt on it, he doesn’t disagree. He fibs that’s he’s been in love with Rachel for several years.

So… Mercedes smashes a hole in the wind shield of Kurt’s car. Harsh! (I’m not sure what she smashes it with… a car-washing sponge? That doesn’t make sense.)

Then Mercedes sings a bangin’ version of Jazmine Sullivan’s “Bust Your Windows” (which… I had to look up, I’ve never heard it before), backed by the sexy cheerleaders. It’s probably my favorite number of the night.

Okay, now Dakota Stanley is at Glee practice. And I think he’s more of a Cogsworth than a Lumiere. The candelabra was tall, wasn’t he? And Dakota is… vertically challenged. He passes something out to the Glee-sters.

Dakota: Please examine your personalized menus. This is what you’re going to be eating for the next six months.

Mercedes: Um, mine just says coffee.

Dakota: Mm hm.

Rachel: What’s smelt?

Dakota: A pungent, low-carb freshwater fish. Okay, let’s start with today’s business. Artie, you’re cut. You’re not trying hard enough.

Artie: At what?

Dakota: At walking. Can’t be wheeling you around during every number. Throws off the whole dynamic, and it’s depressing.

In case you haven’t noticed, Dakota is a dick. But I’m laughing at his outrageousness.

Kurt tries to stick up for Artie.

Kurt: You can’t kick people out of Glee club because you don’t like the way they look.

Dakota: Um, why don’t you shut your face gash and stay away from aerosol cans, because you could burst into flames at any second.

Now that we know that Kurt’s in the closet, we can understand why this shuts him up. (Also, Kurt standing in a line-up? This is so SOUND OF MUSIC.)

Of course, Dakota thinks that the Glee Cheerios are perfect. He tells them not to change a thing. Next is Rachel. Dakota looks at her and says, “Nose job.”

Finn: Wait a second!

Dakota: What was that, Frankenteen?

This makes me laugh because I just found out that the actor who plays Finn is twenty-seven years old. That kind of constitutes a Frankenteen, if you ask me. “What’s wrong with you?” Finn asks Dakota.

D: What’s wrong with me is that you’re freakishly tall. I feel like a woodland creature!

He kind of LOOKS like a woodland creature. It’s funny. Dakota says that he thought the Glee-sters wanted somebody who respected them enough to tell the truth. “But maybe you don’t have the confidence to hear it.” Ooh, evil reverse psychology. Or something.

Everybody wants to quit, but Rachel stops all of the original Glee kids from leaving. She says that Barbara Streisand refused to get a nose job when she was a “young ingenue.”

Dakota: Where’s this going, Yentl?

“We’re gonna win because we’re different,” Rachel tells Dakota. The other Glee kids get into the spirit.

Mercedes: They told J-Lo her booty was too big.

Artie: And Curtis Mayfield was more successful after he became paralyzed.

Finn: Jim Abbott. He was a one-armed pitcher for the Yankees. Pitched a no-hitter.

What’s up with Jim Abbott references on TV shows this year? (That’s a clip of a Jim Abbott-related pep talk on “Party Down.”)

Dakota wants to know what the point is of telling him about all these “freaks.”

Rachel: Out point is that you’re fired. And I’m taller than you.

Dakota: Barely.

Backstage at the PTA meeting (what?), the guys are getting ready to perform. And I guess Sandy’s in, after all? He runs in, bursting with the good news.

Sandy: He’s here! He’s here! Josh Groban is here. Front row, big brown eyes, cute as a buttermilk biscuit. I barfed.

HA!

The guys sing a very well-produced (for a PTA meeting… they’re on a dark stage, with spotlights and all) version of… “Tick Tock, You Don’t Stop”? I guess it’s a song. Sandy has a hilarious part where he raps, “I KNOW you’re not gonna sing that song.”

The song is oddly sexual, for a PTA meeting. And when Puck humps the floor, Jane Lynch (Sue) pulls a face that makes me think that something sex-related is going to happen between Sue and Puck, this season. Ew. (Also, felony?)

In the audience, Terry sees Emma looking at Will. Uh oh.

Backstage after the performance, Josh Groban enters with his body guard, Flex. (Ha.) “I was inducting Run DMC into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last night,” he tells the Acafellas. “So I thought I’d stop by and say hello.” But most importantly, Josh came to tell Sandy to stop emailing him. He hands Sandy a restraining order.

Josh: Stop sending me nude photos. Stop calling me. I don’t know how you got my number. I don’t know how you got my number again after I changed it. But I don’t want any more of your edible gift baskets, or locks of your hair and I don’t want to read any more of those sonnets you wrote for me.

Flex: That stuff got crazy, dude.

But the goods new is that Josh loved the show. He give them two thumbs up (thumbs!) and calls it explosive. Ha.

Outside in the parking lot, Terry apologizes for not being more supportive. She’s turning up the heat, in response to the Emma threat! Will puts his scarf around Terry and pulls her in for a kiss. It’s cuuute.

Victor Garber is looking for Will’s alcoholic mom. (He calls her Doodle? Haha.) We see that she’s flirting with Josh backstage.

Josh: Now you might be thinking, Why would a pop star like me come over here and talk to you? But let me tell you something: throngs of screaming teenagers don’t do it for Josh Groban. No, Josh Groban loves a blousy alcoholic.

Damn! I guess my chances are dashed. (Josh Groban is a cutie. And a good sport!) (And he didn’t even sing?) (Maybe he sang for the soundtrack? Who knows.)

Will realizes that being a good teacher is enough for him. He doesn’t need the Acafellas anymore! Victor Garber tells Will that he’s going to night classes, as a precursor to going back to law school. Will inspired him. It’s never too late to go after your dreams!

Back in the Hall of Lockers, Mercedes apologizes to Kurt about bustin’ up his windshield. Turns out that it doesn’t matter: Kurt’s dad took the car away when he found the tiara collection in his hope chest.

Kurt admits to Mercedes that he doesn’t like Rachel. He’s gay, and he’s never told anyone before. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are, Kurt,” Mercedes says. She says that he ought to tell the Glee kids, since their singing is all about expressing what’s really inside. But Kurt says he’s not that confident. (Have you figured out yet that this week’s theme is confidence?)

Sue finds out that Will is back with Glee, and that the club is “more confident than ever.” She makes the Cheerios of Glee smell their armpits. “That’s the smell of failure, and it’s stinking up my office.” Coach Sue revokes their tanning privileges for the rest of the semester. Santana runs out sobbing. Ha!

Quinn thanks Sue for teaching her an important lesson. “When you really believe in yourself, you don’t have to bring other people down.” Hmm… is Quinn going to switch sides? I can’t really read her.

In conclusion, Will teaches the kids a clappy dance. They love it! Clap clap!

Next week on: Rachel sings that song that was used in the “Private Practice” promos at one point. (Oh, it’s “Taking Chances” by Celine Dion.)

Whew, that was long. If you’re still reading… you deserve some ice cream.

xoxo…

Follow us on Twitter @dailybinge / Fan us on Facebook (search The Daily Binge)

1 Comment | RECAPS | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by yapplebee

PROJECT RUNWAY: Make a Dress For a Model

September 16, 2009
Tim frets over Qristyl's first dress.

Tim frets over Qristyl's first dress.

Episode 604, Air Date 9/10/09

This is kind of embarrassing. I actually took notes for this post as I was watching “Project Runway” last Thursday night, but for some reason I never posted it. Probably because… snooze. Design another dress. Blah blah blah. This season hasn’t heated up yet. (Maybe it never will…)

But I owe you something today, since I didn’t watch “More to Love” last night. So… you’re getting this half-assed, week-old “Project Runway” recap. Mazal tov.

Heidi announces that it’s down to thirteen designers. This week they will be working with “thirteen women who know what they want.”

“It could be anything,” Nicolas interviews. “It could be homeless people to… Eskimos…” I WISH it were Eskimos! Construct a couture dress out of blubber!

It turns out that the clients are their models. “The Models of the Runway.” They need an outfit for an industry event. Snooze. But they have to finish it by midnight! The designers and their models have “thirty minutes to caucus.”

Ugh, I SO SICK of these normal-design challenges. Make a dress that a model can wear? Is that really a challenge? Seriously? When are they going to have to make something out of garbage, or seaweed?

Johnny is pumped. “Emarie and I have the same style,” he interviews. (Yes, her name is Emarie, pronounced like the letter E and then Marie.) “It’s like designing something for myself if I was a black girl.” Riight.

Qristyl’s model wants something to “show off her curves.” Um, these are runway models. Do they have curves? (No.) (Also, I am going to call her Q, because spelling her name boggles my mind.)

Irina’s model isn’t sure what she wants. Louise is with Fatma the Annoying Model. Fatma wants red, but Louise wants to do black and gold.

Shirin doesn’t like her model’s taste (Ebony). Ebony wants a royal blue and gold jumpsuit. “That’s not me at all.” Yeah… that sounds awful.

Logan’s model, Kojii wants a 1950s look, with lace or leather. It’s out of Logan’s element. What is Logan’s element, anyway? Can’t he just work that stuff into his aesthetic?

Tim’s crits:

Althea calls a smoking jacket a “cigarette jacket.” Haha. Christopher says that his model wants to accentuate her small waist. Ugh, models.

Epperson says that Matar wants “flowy strong punk cocktail tiger.” Tim and Epperson are confused. But Tim likes the dress, so far. “Just… be Epperson.”

Tim thinks Q’s outfit looks messy, “like [the model's] been rolling around in bed.” It’s really bunchy.

Logan is worrying over his not-quite-1950s-punk dress. “I don’t want it to look like a Smurf prom dress,” he frets. “Don’t use that word again!” Tim admonishes Logan. He adds, “You have a conundrum. you really do.” UH OH.

Carol Hannah is making a pretty purple and black dress. Once again, a model who wants her waist emphasized. I think that there is some joke about wasting away that I could insert in here, if I cared more. Tim worries: “Is this design robbing your model of her youth?” Hahaha. Does this dress possess supernatural evil powers?

We don’t see him crit Irina or Shirin… or anyone else i didn’t mention.

Epperson talks to his family on the phone and cries… aw, he misses them.

Q scraps her dress and came up with something else… a little black dress. Oh wow, originality plus!

Model fittings..

Matar likes Epperson’s judgment. He doesn’t know why he worried so much, since celebrities have trusted his judgment. It’s sort of a name-dropping moment, minus the names.

Althea’s model loves the dress, but Althea worries she doesn’t have time to do all the tailoring.

Logan worries about his “gothic Cinderella” dress. He doesn’t want people looking at her for the wrong reasons.

Nicolas: his dress is 85% done. “I am a complete wreck as usual.”

Shirin’s garment is still in pieces. “But she trusts me,” Shirin interviews, about her model. “And… I hope she trusts me.” Ha.

Runway Day:

Logan wears silver pants and silver shoes. He hopes it will distract Heidi from looking at his dress. “I pleased my client,” he says. “But at the same time, it’s not really my aesthetic… they’re either gonna love it or they’re gonna hate it.”

Q talks about her dress. “It’s a simple, chic black dress.” Uh oh?

“Please use the Macy’s accessory wall thoughtfully,” Tim says. Oh, Tim. I love you most.

Althea interviews that with her dress, Tanisha got a 3-piece outfit. Impressive? Irina thinks Althea’s outfit looks like crap.

Nicolas thinks Epperson and  Johnny will be in the bottom three. But Christopher could see the judges hating or loving Epperson’s dress.

Runway show:

The judges: Marc Bouwer, who looks kind of like a 1970s Andy Warhol, or Hansel from ZOOLANDER? (It’s hard to pin it down, but his look is odd.) Zoe Glassner is in for Nina Garcia. (I think she works for Marie Claire.) Lastly (other than Heidi), there’s Jennifer Rade, who does something for Angelina Jolie (picks out her clothes, I guess). Where is Michael Kors? I miss him.

i think Nicolas’ dress is ugly, but he loves it. Good for him. Most of the outfits look okay. Dresses on the runway, whoop a doo.

Top 3:

Carol Hannah’s purple/black dress. Juxtaposition of soft/hard is the core of her aesthetic. But Heidi is more interested in CH’s Southern-ness. “Did you say ya’ll?” Heidi asks, mystified.

Epperson’s leopard-ish dress. “Do you feel like you have a kitty cat inside of you?” Heidi asks Matar, upon hearing that Matar asked for an animal-inspired dress. Heidi wants boob help for Matar up top. “Maybe I’ve been working for Victoria’s Secret for too long,” Heidi shrugs, when another judge says it’s okay.

Althea’s smoking jacket ensemble. Jennifer and Zoe want it NOW. And her model had best walk?

Bottom 3:

Logan’s… looks too “prom.” But his wearing-silver tactic worked, because Jennifer says, “You’re really cute and i like your pants and sneakers.” I want you NOW.

Johnny’s dress. Heidi calls it bridesmaid. Everyone agrees that it’s “wearable,” which Zoe calls, “A blessing and a curse in the fashion world.”

Q’s little black dress. “You’ve just aged her ten to fifteen years, which for the model world is like dog years,” Heidi says. Heidi’s stepping up the Hahas in Michael Kors’ absence.  Q is criticized for being too safe. Valerie (model) likes the dress, but Jennifer says, “That’s why you’re not a designer. Thank God.” BURN. Jennifer is the Simon Cowell of the week!

The judges say that Matar looks like she was painted in the dress. Marc says that Epperson “needed a no-boob model. Many of them out there, who are very famous.” Haha! He adds a kindly, “Not you, Heidi.”

Althea wins the challenge. I didn’t love it, but… I don’t dress Angelina Jolie for a living, so what do I know?

Q gets out… now I’ll never have to worry about how to spell her name again.

Next on: The fabric is going to be… newspaper? Something black and white. PLEASE let it be something other than regular old fabric.

I didn’t record “Models of the Runway.” Oops! I thought Valerie returned and was voted off (again) last week. But she modeled for Q tonight? Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I have my weeks confused. I don’t know. Who cares? Obviously I don’t, since this recap is a week late.

I’m guessing that “Models of the Runway” was all about the models wearing their dresses to that industry event, which was probably staged. And one of the models probably drank too much. That always happens. Woo hoo.

Oh wait, I remembered: Matar’s model-best-friend (Erica, but not the Arby’s-commercial one) got eliminated last week, because Epperson chose Matar instead of the friend. And Matar cried, and it was kind of sad. Whew, now you know.

Also, the week that Malvin was eliminated, I should have called the post “Bye Bye Birdie.” Get it? Get it???

xoxo…

Follow us on Twitter @dailybinge / Fan us on Facebook (search The Daily Binge)

7 Comments | RECAPS | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by yapplebee

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 68 other followers