Sunday Tidbits

July 10, 2011

Plastic desserts on a real dessert!

It’s July. It’s hot outside! I’m totally charmed by these cupcakes with plastic ice creams and popsicles on them, seen at my local Albertson’s.

And here are some interesting finds from today’s Hollywood Farmers’ Market.

I’m not big on the Lakers, but I dedicate these “Laker baker” potatoes to Lauren. (I believe they’re named for their purple/yellow look, but I can’t tell if they’ve been partially peeled or what.)

Serve with Kobe beef.

And I bought this blood orange juice, because I thought I might enjoy a few sips while I watch tonight’s new episode of “True Blood.”

True blood... orange juice.

Okay, I have deli and seafoods in my future, so I gotta skadoot.

Enjoy your Sunday! Go swimming. (I actually swam yesterday… at night, because I’m a vampire.)


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The More You Know: VAMPIRE DIARIES, Episode 6

October 16, 2009
Welcome to the Civil War Era, bitches.

Welcome to the Civil War Era, bitches.

Episode 106, “Lost Girls” Air Date 10/15/09

Looking back, I should have known that Elena would know about the whole Stefan’s-a-vampire thing within the first five or six episodes. Thing is, if the show had been a bust, it wouldn’t have gotten a pick up, and it would have sucked (ha) to be canceled before the big secret even dropped.

Anyway, this week’s episode starts with the end of last week’s episode, in case you missed it. Elena’s writing in her diary and looking in her mirror and realizing that Stefan is a vampire. Stefan’s fixin’ to stake Damon. Elena wavers outside of the Ye Olde Salvatore Boarding House, steeling up her courage. Stefan runs to the front door and into a bright light…

FLASHBACK: Stefan’s exiting the front door of Ye Olde Salvatore Estate, clad in his 1864 garb. Guess who’s coming to dinner?

It's me, Katherine.

It's me, Katherine.

It’s “Miss Pierce.” That name’s going to be really hilarious when you find out that she’s a vampire. Get it? Get it?? (Settle down, it’s not a spoiler because it was in the books, and I’ve been talking about it all along.) (I didn’t read the books, but I read Wikipedia. You know this.)

I don’t really understand why Katherine comes to stay with the Salvatores. Is she their cousin, or what? (Close your mouth. Back then, cousins dated all the time.) Even in 1864, the parents of Mystic Falls were super-permissive/absent, because we don’t see any parents/aunts/uncles/whatevers in any of the flashbacks.

You can’t really see it in these pictures, but Katherine has an unwieldy amount of hair. I don’t know if it’s a wig or extensions or what, but I’m surprised that poor Nina Dobrev could stand up straight. Also, after Stefan and Damon’s major build-up of her, Katherine was… just okay. I don’t blame Nina Dobrev, because she was killing it as Elena this week. Elena is fierce. But Kathering was kind of a cipher. And she had a few clunkaroo lines, like referring to S&D to their faces as “the smart and kind Salvatore brothers.” I wasn’t feeling it.

But hey, they do more right than wrong on this show. I give props to the powers that be for showing us how it was that Stefan played football: Damon brought it back from his Confederate training camp. He learned about football from a Harvard man. Works for me!

Wait! I need to go get my lucky jockstrap.

Wait! I need to go get my lucky jockstrap.

Turns out that Katherine is to Damon/Stefan as Damon was to Caroline: She’s sleeping with them, drinking their blood, and using “mind compulsion” to keep them from telling each other what’s going on. All while wearing a very tight corset (which she doesn’t really need, since she’s really thin and her dresses look oddly baggy).

Can I just say that every time I hear “mind compulsion,” I want to giggle? For some reason calling it “glamouring” (that’s the “True Blood” equivalent) feels more organic to me. “Compulsion” is a funny word. (Is “compulse” a word? I don’t think so. English is so weird.)

Back in today-world, Elena confronts Stefan and he admits that he’s a vampire. Elena tries to run away from him, but finally he can use his cool vampire tricks in front of her, like moving really fast and flying up into her bedroom window. It’s hard not to pity Stefan, since he’s making sad faces and saying things like, “Please don’t be afraid of me,” and, “I’d never hurt you,” and Elena’s basic attitude is, Stay away from me, you scary lying monster.

Meanwhile, Damon wants his ring back. He calls Stefan, who says that he needs time to get it back. “Did you ship it to Rome?” Damon asks (maybe a nod to the fact that the Salvatore brothers were from the Italian Renaissance, in the books). It makes me wonder: What’s in Rome? (Or: Who?)

Damon drank all of Vicki’s vagrant friends (and also, alcohol) and is burning them. (“I’m at the Sizzler,” Damon quips.) Alcohol: multi-purposeful. He’s about to burn Vicki but she’s not dead yet, so he takes her back to the Boarding House. Why not, right? She’s hot, and she has a pulse.

Next day: Stefan meets up with Elena at a neutral, public cafe (actually, it’s the outdoor seating at the Mystic Grill… perhaps the only eatery in Mystic Falls). He explains that he’s immune to crucifixes, garlic, holy water, and that he can be seen in a mirror. Add the ring that lets him walk in the sun and… he’s not a particularly vampire-y vampire, is he? I still don’t know if he can eat, since I haven’t SEEN him eat. The jury’s out.

(Right now Stefan’s stance is that he only drinks animal blood, but Damon has alluded to a rough-and-tumble human-drinking past. Can’t wait until Elena hears about THAT.)

Stefan asks Elena to give him the rest of the day to explain things and make her decision about… whatever. Everything. They drive out to the “middle of nowhere” (Elena’s words), which turns out to be the site of Stefan’s boyhood home.

Welcome to my cribz.

Welcome to my cribz.

Oh yeah, at the cafe Stefan mentioned that there used to be a lot more vampires in Mystic Falls, and the humans used to be very aware of them. So… I’m guessing that his house was torn apart by an angry, pitchfork-wielding mob. We’ll find out, I guess.

Seeing Stefan’s destroyed home, Elena’s first thought is that it’s really… “Old?” Stefan supplies, sounding sad. (The non-evil vampires are always the saddest ones.) “I’ve been seventeen since 1864.” I know Vampire Diaries came before Twilight and all, but I wish they’d used any other age, or any other line. Because “I’ve been seventeen since xyz” feels so Twilight, especially in this out-in-the-forest scene. (Also, maybe he should be nineteen. Isn’t Paul Wesley, like, twenty-seven?)

Oh, and Stefan was hiding Damon’s ring at their old house. So he retrieves it. IS ANYBODY EVER GOING TO EXPLAIN HOW THE RINGS WORK?! Or where they came from? I hope so. (Also: I couldn’t see if Katherine was wearing a ring. If not, how was she surviving in the sun?)

Stefan may be old, but he hasn’t forgotten his genteel upbringing. He opens Elena’s car door for her.

Chivalry is undead.

Chivalry is undead.

Stefan tells Elena about the vervain necklace, and how it will keep vampires from getting into her mind. He gave it to her to keep her safe from Damon, but also to keep her safe from… him.  He urges her always to wear the necklace, so that “no matter what happens, you’ll know that you were free to make your own choice.” Aww, Stefan. You’re so Edward right now, but in a much more earnest and less creepy way.

Meanwhile, Vicki and Damon are back at the Salvatore house that’s not in ruins. Damon wants company and Vicki’s not being very fun (aka, her neck is bleeding and she’s passed out), so Damon forces her to drink some of his restorative blood. (That’s another commonality with “True Blood.”) Then Vicki’s all amped up, and she tells Damon her life story a-mile-a-minute as they have a destructive half-naked dance party. At the end of her life story, Vicki gets sad about her shitty life prospects, and Damon snaps her neck. He’s fickle like that. (Or helpful?)

In case you’re wondering… even without his ring, Damon can be in sunlit rooms. He just can’t stand in direct sunlight. And the sun doesn’t turn him to dust. In fact, he keeps putting his hand into the light and watching it start to singe. It’s the equivalent of holding your hand over a candle just to see how long it takes to get too hot to bear.

Oh yeah, while I’m thinking of it, we were missing a lot of the usual cast members this week. Bonnie, Caroline, Aunt Jenna, Tyler… all of them were MIA.

Speaking of… back in the past, we found out that Damon decided not to go back to his Confederate (eek) training camp, because he wanted to be around Katherine. I’m pretty sure that makes him a deserter, which is a major crime, but Stefan was just like, Hugs! Glad to have you around.

He ain't AWOL-- he's my brother.

He ain't AWOL-- he's my brother.

Meanwhile, Sheriff Caroline’s-Mom, Reporter-Logan and Mayor Lockwood get together and switch some parts out of Elena’s-brother-Jeremy’s pocket watch, and suddenly it’s a compass that points at vampires? Right. (Does that mean that Elena’s ancestors were vampire hunters?)

So Vicki wakes up from being dead, because she’d imbibed some of Damon’s blood pre-death. Damon being Damon, he sends her straight over to Elena & Jeremy’s house. The last step to being a vampire is to drink some human blood, so… uh oh.

Jeremy’s home alone, and Vicki shows up super-ravenous and wearing sunglasses. Also: Acting crazy. Jeremy calls Vicki’s-brother-Matt (Elena’s ex), and by the time Matt shows up, Vicki is crying that her gums are killing her. (Just a guess: Her fangs are growing in. She’s teething! Just give her a neck to chew on.) I’m actually starting to like her.

Stefan and Elena arrive, and right away Stefan knows what’s up. He calms Vicki down and sends her upstairs to rest, and tells Elena what’s going on. Vicki’s “transitioning,” which I’ve only ever heard people say in reference to someone switching genders.

Vicki runs away, and Stefan goes off to “track” her, and Damon shows up at Elena’s house looking for Stefan. Elena is super-freaked by Damon, but he tells her that he’s not out to kill her (yet), because it wouldn’t serve his greater agenda. (Which is… to steal her away from Stefan, and then kill her? I don’t know.)

Stefan finds Vicki, and tells her that she has a choice: Die, or finish becoming a vampire by drinking human blood. It’s actually a nice scene, especially for Stefan, because… he had to make this choice once. (Although we don’t see any flashbacks of Katherine turning him, so… maybe later?)

In the middle of all that nice-timesy-ness… Reporter-Logan shoots Stefan with a wooden bullet! Owowowow. Logan’s poised to stake Stefan, and I’m rooting for Vicki to rip Logan’s neck out. But guess who comes to the rescue? Damon! Aw, brotherly love. Of course, Damon claims that he wants to be the one to kill Stefan, but… whatever. Actions speak louder than words. As the brothers bond (sorta), Vicki drinks some of Logan’s blood. And runs away. Again.

Vamp on the loose!

I’m not sure if Reporter-Logan’s dead, but he’s definitely a dick. He shot a teenager in the back, because a magic compass told him to? I’m sure that would hold up in court. (Oh, I forgot to mention this– Earlier in the episode, the police found Vicki’s purse near Damon’s dead-body BBQ… and she had a Virginia drivers’ license. So… that’s where we are.)

Damon pockets the vampire-finding pocket watch. So… he has that, and Caroline has his jewel. (His… family jewel? Haha.) (Has he even realized that it’s missing?) And Stefan gives Damon his ring back. Yessss.

Is Vicki going to get a ring? (Is that even possible? Is there a ring-maker?) Or is she just going to be a boarded-up house-vamp during the day?

Stefan returns to Elena’s house and tells her that Vicki is now a Vamp-on-the-Loose. (V is for Vicki and Vampire, it’s convenient.) Elena is really mad, but what was Stefan supposed to do? Kill Vicki? He can’t win with Elena. She’s mad about that, she’s mad that Stefan made the choice to drink human blood and be a vampire in 1864, she’s mad that mad mad mad. Elena says that she gave Stefan the day, and she’ll keep his secret, but… go away.

So Stefan stands outside being hurt-sad, and Elena goes inside, slides down to the floor, and cries. I thought that maybe they’d have a last-minute smooch-a-roo, but nope. That’s all, folks.

I kind of wanted more, but I already knew a lot of spoilers, and I’d already seen three sneak-preview scenes. So… it was good. Good times. And I’m confident that most of my questions will be answered, over time. They can’t give away the farm in episode six, right?

The next new episode is in TWO WEEKS, to coincide with Halloween. (Or, as the kids call it: Slut-o-ween.) Vicki’s going as a Vampire. Get it? Got it? Good.

I think that Elena and Stefan will make up (hopefully kiss and make up), because check out this body language.

Talk to the hand.

Talk to the hand.

Wow, Nina Dobrev’s waist is crazy-tiny, isn’t it? And where’s Stefan’s costume? I will LOL until I cry if he’s going as Edward from Twilight. (Also: See the epaulets on his jacket? Vampire Rule #53: Whenever possible, wear epaulets. ESPECIALLY if you hail from the Civil War Era. Just ask Vampire Bill.)

In case you’re wondering about the title, I’m guessing that our Lost Girls are Elena (Stefan lost her tonight… for now), Katherine (however she died… or not– at any rate, she’s lost in the past, I guess), and Vicki (’cause she’s a vamp now… and lost in the woods). I thought it was going to refer to some specific mystery, but… this ain’t “CSI,” and I’m FINE with that.

Speaking of Katherine and Elena… knowing that Katherine was a vampire, and that Elena’s parents had vampire-finding apparatus– doesn’t that make you EXTRA curious about the Katherine-Elena looking-exactly-like-each-other connection? Inquiring minds want to know!

And that’s all I have to say about that. (For now.)


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Founders, Keepers: VAMPIRE DIARIES Episode 104

October 2, 2009
Ah, to be young and fancy-free.

Ah, to be young and fancy-free.

Episode 104, “Family Ties” Air Date 10/1/09

I like it when characters on a TV show are very self-aware and real world-savvy. They practically do all the snarking for me! I think that’s why I love Damon so much. Damon was full of great comments in last night’s episode.

But before he was quipping his quippies, Damon was making Stefan have a nightmare about Elena. In the ‘mare, Damon attacked Elena. But wouldn’t it be scarier to make Stefan dream that HE attacked Elena? Since Stefan is all about repressing his vampire urges? Whatever, Damon is great at jokes. (And sexy makeout nightmares.) He can’t be a master of all trades.

Damon reminds Stefan that drinking human blood would “even the playing field,” and then re: the football joke, asks, “Too soon?” Because Damon killed Coach Dick last week.

Stefan takes out his anger by… stabbing Damon with a dagger? Ouchies. (Tetanus-ies.) But Damon’s more annoyed about the hole in his shirt (which… is something I totally would have brought up, if Damon hadn’t done it for me). “This is John Varvatos, dude,” he says to Stefan. “Dick move.” And then he stabs Stefan with the dagger, which hurts worse for Stefan because of… lack of human blood.

Two thoughts: Why are you wearing a John Varvatos T-shirt, Damon? You could get that exact shirt at Target, Fancy Pants. Also, this scene is full of ab-revelations. Which, as we’ve already discussed, is a very important element of this show.

Stefan turns to his diary, where he muses, “How do I stop a monster without becoming one myself?” (PS Doesn’t Damon read Stefan’s diary? Be careful what you write, Stefan!)

Meanwhile, Damon framed a mountain lion, so the news reports that the beast has been captured. The weasel-esque TV reporter guy is named Logan, and he’s the reason why Elena’s Aunt Jenna left Mystic Falls, so many years ago. Yawn.

Stefan pays a morning makeout-call to Elena’s house. They kiss on her bed, until Stefan sees himself vamping out in the mirror. (Way to be narcissistic and look at yourself in the mirror while making out, Stefan.) (Also, vamping when angry or aroused? Same rule as “True Blood.” Makes sense, just sayin’.)

Elena invites Stefan to the Founders’ Party, which is a big thing in the town, and her mom was on the Heritage committee, blah blah old people stuff. Stefan says, “Salvatores don’t get invited anymore.” Oooh, why not? Intrigue. But he agrees to accompany Elena, as her date.

Damon is chillin’ on Caroline’s bed, flipping through a book as she gets dressed. (Do the girls of Mystic Falls have the most permissive/absentee parents and/or legal guardians ever, or what?) Caroline is trying on dresses for the Founders’ Party, and Damon tells her to wear the blue, because yellow is “jaundice.” Wow, Damon’s Mr. Fashion this week. He’s the Tim Gunn of vampires. Make it work! Add a scarf.

Caroline doesn’t want to invite Damon to the Founders’ Day party, because her mother is “a proud gun owner” (it will all make sense soon), but Damon uses his vampire-eyes to compel her to bring him.

Guess what’s Damon’s reading: “What’s so special about this Bella girl? Edward’s so whipped.” One of the Twilight books! Laugh out loud! But not the first one, because Caroline chastises him that he’s reading it out of order. “I miss Anne Rice,” Damon laments. “She was so on it.” (She pulled a Kirk Cameron, and is now too religious to write vampire books, or something.)

GASP. Caroline knows that Damon is a vampire! “How come you don’t sparkle?” Caroline asks him. (She WOULD ask that.)

Damon: Because I live in the real world, where vampires burn in the sun.

Ha! The real world. That’s a complicated statement, on a fictional TV show about vampires that is making fun of other fictional depictions of vampires. But… I’m all about making fun of Twilight. Carry on, Damon. (There’s something else I want to say about this, but Caroline’s about to do it for me.)

Caroline: Yeah, but you go in the sun.

Damon: I have a ring. It protects me. Long story.

Ugh, when is somebody going to tell the story? I want to know the deal with this ring!

Caroline asks if Damon’s bites are going to turn her into a vampire, as is the Twilight way. Damon tells her that to become a vampire, she’d have to feed on a vampire, die, and then feed on a human. “It’s a whole ordeal,” he tells her, rolling his eyes. “This book, by the way, has it all wrong.”

Suck on THAT, Twilight.


But we just touched on some mythology that’s different than “True Blood.” In that world (and it most mythologies, I think), the process starts with the vampire biting the human. But in “Vampire Diaries,” the human has to feed from the vampire first? I guess that means the vampire has to be complicit with the turning, or else… good luck biting a vampire, feeble humans.

Damon pulls Caroline onto the bed and kisses her. “You can be very sweet when you want to be,” Caroline says. True story. Caroline asks Damon if he’s going to kill her, and he says, “Mm hm.” From this angle and with that tone of voice, he reminds me of Michael Ian Black. Ha. But first, “…there’s something I need you to do for me.”

At the Mystic Grill (not to be confused with Mystic Pizza), we find out that jerk-jock Tyler’s dad is the mayor of Mystic Falls. And Tyler hasn’t told his parents that he’s dating Vicki-the-Supposed-Slut. Etc.

At a nearby table, Bonnie is upset that Caroline is taking Damon to the Founders’ Party. Now Bonnie is the odd-witch out. (Again.) Bonnie calls Damon, “Older Sexy Danger Guy.” Caroline snarks, “Is that an official witch Twitter tweet?” I love that phrase. “Twitter-tweet.” It’s going to be all the rage, now. (Probably not.)

Thanks to Damon’s prompting, Caroline tells Bonnie about Stefan… it’s some story about how Katherine chose Damon, and then Stefan was a crazy stalker about the whole thing. Based on all of Damon’s mind games, I have to assume that Caroline only knows that Damon’s a vampire when they’re alone together? The rest of the time, I think he’s wiping her mind. Because… she’s bad at secrets.

Back at Ye Olde Salvatore Boarding House (or something like that), Uncle-But-Actually-Not-Uncle Zach comes across Damon, going through Stefan’s homework. “This country sure has dumbed down in the past hundred years,” Damon notes. THANK YOU, Damon. I’m guessing that he would be at least as appalled as I was by Stefan’s history class’ lack of date-knowledge last week.

Also: Stefan went to Harvard in the ’70s? The 1970s? I don’t know, but I thought he was living in secret. I think that Stefan and I have different definitions of the word “secret.” Maybe he just meant, not-living-in-Mystic-Falls?

Blah blah, Damon threatens Zach, Stefan walks in and saves Zach. Stefan wants to figure out a way to beat Damon without drinking human blood (just drink some human blood, for cryin’ out loud!), and Zach reveals that he’s growing the Magical Anti-Vampire Herb in some dungeon in the basement. (Because… that’s normal.)

It totally looks like Zach is growing pot. Ha. There are heat lamps and everything! So “Weeds” right now. And non-vamp Salvatores have been growing weeds in the basement dungeon for generations? (Even before heat lamp technology existed?) “Blood only goes so deep when you’re related to vampires,” Zach explains. But he’s telling Stefan because… trust? Okay.

Also, the herb is called vervain, and it’s real. It’s used in Druid rituals? Remember when Stefan mentioned that some of the original settlers of Mystic Falls were Celtic Druids? Yeah, I bet that’s not a coincidence. But Damon hasn’t let vervain grow in Mystic Falls since the 1860s. Hence, the hot-house pot-house.

Bonnie tells Elena the whole “Stefan was a stalker ex-boyfriend” story that Caroline told her in the Grill. Apparently Katherine chose Damon, but Stefan manipulated Katherine until she turned against Damon. Elena doesn’t believe it, because… obviously Damon’s side is going to be skewed. But the seed of doubt has been planted. (In the hot-house pot-house of Elena’s mind.)

Damon and Stefan get dressed for the party. Together. In case you’re keeping shirtlessness score, Damon is shirtless, and Stefan is wearing a fairly transparent wife beater-style undershirt. Stefan has some strange symbol tattooed on his shoulder, which I’m guessing is a character thing, and not a Paul Wesley thing. Or it’s both.

Stefan is drinking alcohol? (Later, we find out that it’s Scotch.) Um, can vampires drink alcohol? It’s definitely a no-go on “True Blood. In the pilot Bill ordered red wine just to have a reason to sit in Merlotte’s. (Sad.) But he couldn’t drink it. (Sadder.) The vampires drank in “Moonlight,” but that show was like a reckless Wild West town, lacking in vampire laws.

Damon: My goodness, I’ve driven you to drink.

Stefan: I can’t seem to rid myself of you. What else am I supposed to do, besides go about living my life?

Damon: “Go about living my life.” Therein lies your eternal struggle. You’re dead, dude. Get over it.

There’s another vampire rule. It might even be Rule #1. You’re dead. Get over it.

Something that Twilight, “True Blood” and “Vampire Diaries” all have is common is that the main love-interest vampire is really not a fan of being a vampire. I wish I was a human, wah wah wah. And the human girl is always lonely and isolated, and somehow different from the other girls of the town. (And, to quote last night’s “Parks & Recreation,” the girl is usually “classically hot.”)

So Elena donated a big box of family heirlooms to the Founders’ Party peeps, and Tyler’s mom calls up, all stressed out because a pocket watch is missing. Elena figures out that her little brother, druggie-head Jeremy, stole the watch. She slaps Jeremy in the face, which is really setting up a face-slapping precedent. (Last week she face-slapped Damon.)

Elena thinks that Jeremy wants to sell the watch on Ebay for drug money (didn’t that happen on some other show?), but it turns out that Jeremy was supposed to inherit it. It’s a first-born son thing. So Elena gives the watch to Jeremy, and later tells Tyler’s mom (who turns out to be a cold bitch) that she couldn’t find it.

Back to Damon and Stefan, who apparently take a girlishly long amount of time to get ready. Damon (now wearing a shirt) is admiring himself in the mirror.

Damon: It’s cool not growing old. I like being the eternal stud.

Stefan: Yes, being a 150-year-old teenager has been the height of my happiness.

The brothers talk about a long-ago Founders’ Day party, where Stefan danced with Katherine and dropped her off at home… where Damon was waiting to bang her. Damon hopes that history repeats itself this year. He toasts Stefan with a glass of the vervain-laced Scotch, then pours the contents of his glass onto the floor. That’s gonna warp the hardwood! (I know from experience.) (With water, not Scotch.)

In case you’re wondering how Stefan didn’t poison himself (“Inconceivable!”), Stefan poured himself a drink before he spiked the bottle.

Damon: I’m not some drunk sorority chick. You can’t roofie me.

Roofalin! (Actually, Rohypnol.) Now I just want to make THE HANGOVER jokes. You’re out of the wolfpack, Stefan!

I guess Damon doesn’t know where the vervain came from, or else Zach would be… dead.

Long pan across the mailbox of the Founders’ Day house. The address is 2129. What does it mean?! (Probably nothing.) Also, I think Tyler and his mayor-dad and bitch-mom live at the giant history house? Because Stefan and Damon need to be invited in, and later Tyler makes some sort of reference to living in a museum. Odd times.

Stefan, Damon, and Zach also live in a giant-home museum-esque setup, but I guess it’s in the family and they own it outright, because Zach doesn’t seem to work (other than herb-harvesting… try to say that out loud, I bet you drop the second “h”), and nobody boards in Ye Olde Boarding House. Maybe because… vampires.

Stefan tells Zach that he didn’t expect Damon to fall for the vervain. But Damon probably won’t expect Stefan to try again in the same night, which is Stefan’s plan. Lower Damon’s guard. Expect the unexpected, etc. Zach gives Stefan a double-potent vial of liquid vervain. Is Zach a scientist, or what? And who’s the Wizard of the Magic Rings?

Vicki wears yellow to the party, which… come on, jaundice! Also, Tyler’s mom wears yellow. Damon’s gonna be so pissed. Damon and Stefan are wearing the darkest colors there, because… vampires. A lot of people are wearing white after Labor Day. I thought that was way uncool, on the East Coast.

Caroline’s mom is at the party, and she’s a proud gun owner because she’s a cop. I think she’s the Sheriff, even. She comments that Damon is a little old for Caroline, which is haha because… TV teens are always old. But I think Damon’s supposed to look like he’s in his 20s, so… whatever, still funny.

Caroline’s Mom: Where’s your dad?

Caroline: Memphis. With Stephen.

I’m getting the vibe that Caroline lives with her dad. Which totally explains the unsupervised sex-romps she’s been having with Damon. Also… is Caroline’s dad gay? She’s totally the Blair Waldorf of this show!

There’s a room in the Founders’ house where a bunch of artifacts are just sitting on display? That seems kind of unsafe. I mean, Elena’s family heirloom wedding rings are just sitting there, ready to be stolen. And Caroline’s cop-mom is nowhere to be seen. Too trusting, Mystic Falls!

Blah blah, Aunt Jenna agrees to go on a date with weasel-esque Reporter Logan after several scenes of back-and-forth blah blah it’s-been-a-long-time-and-people-change banter.

There’s a sort of Declaration of Mystic Falls on the wall, with a registry of the original guests at the original Founders’ Day celebration. Guess who’s on the list? Stefan and Damon. (Duh.) Maybe they should have changed their names, because… welcome to obvious-ville, population everybody-except-Elena.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit A.

Then again, all of the names on that list are the same. The original mayor was Lockwood… and the current mayor is Lockwood?! What is this town, a monarchy??

Anyway, Stefan is saved-by-the-Damon, who says that the names on the list are “the original Salvatore brothers.” Original, and extra crispy. And extra-coincidence-y. (Also, who would name their sons after two ancestral brothers who feuded terribly? That’s like naming one kid Hatfield and the other McCoy.)

Per Damon’s instructions, Caroline asks Stefan to dance with her. Stefan tries to demur that he doesn’t dance, but Damon says, “Waltz, jitterbug, moonwalk– he does it all.” Wow, live through several historic dance crazes much? (VERY much.)

(That’s a reference to an episode that I didn’t recap, where Caroline says, “Cocky much?” and Damon replies, “VERY much.”) (And then they do it.) (That was Episode 102, “Night of the Comet.”)

So Stefan has to go dance-off pants-off, and Elena is left behind with Damon, in the Room of Artifacts. Damon apologizes to Elena for being a “world-class jerk” the other night when he tried to kiss her. “My therapist says I’m acting out, trying to punish Stefan.” First of all, laugh out loud that Damon pretends that he’s going to therapy. Even more laughs if he is!

The whole therapist thing is a good tactic, because A) Would a vampire go to therapy? Nice way to humanize yourself, Damon! B) There’s something kind of hot about a guy who’s trying to work on his shit and be a better person. (Maybe that’s just me, and maybe I have issues.) (I mean, let’s be real: I do. But so do you!)

“Let’s just say that the men in the Salvatore family have been cursed with sibling rivalry,” Damon says. “It all started with the original Salvatore brothers.” (AKA the current Salvatore brothers.) I’d like for you to speak more about that, says my inner therapist. Also: Is there really a curse? What’s up with the RINGS?!

Meanwizzle, Stefan and Caroline dance. He offers her some champagne, and (IMPORTANT PLOT POINT ALERT) she drinks it.

Glug glug, Caroline hearts champagne.

Glug glug, Caroline hearts champagne.

Stefan just looks at his champagne and smiles. Okay, so NOW he can’t drink alcohol? Or did he (spoiler alert) spike all of the champagne with vervain?

Damon gives Elena a little history lesson. (HIS STORY, get it?)

Damon: The Salvatore name was practically royalty in this town. ‘Til the war. There was a battle here.

Elena: Battle of Willow Creek.

Why not “Battle of Mystic Falls?” Anyway, Damon looks surprised.

Elena: I know, we talked about it in class. Confederate soldiers fired on a church with civilians inside.

Actually, and this was in the pilot, Stefan corrected the teacher (Mr. Tanner, aka Mr. Dick) and made him aware of the civilian casualties. So… she learned about it in school, via Stefan.

Damon: What the history books left out was that the people who were killed… they weren’t there by accident. They were believed to be Union sympathizers, so some of the Founders on the Confederacy side back then wanted them rounded up and burned alive. Stefan and Damon had someone they loved very much in that church. And when they went to rescue them they were shot, murdered in cold blood.

Elena: Who was in the church that they wanted to save?

Damon: A woman, I guess. Doesn’t it always come down to the love of a woman?

Okay, this should raise a lot of questions for all of us. First of all, if you have to drink a vampire’s blood and then die to become a vampire… whose blood did Stefan and Damon drink? (Wikipedia of the books tells me that it’s Katherine’s. Let’s see if that pans out in the series.) (It could be different, since the books started in Renaissance Italy, and obviously on the TV show Stefan and Damon have Civil War origins.) (Another commonality with “True Blood.”)

My second thought is… way to spill the beans, Damon. I mean, come on, how similar do the “original” Salvatore brothers have to get to the current Salvatore brothers before Elena figures out that they’re the same? She already knows that Katherine died in a fire, and that Stefan and Damon both loved her.

Based on this story, Elena tells Damon that she can’t get in the middle of whatever’s going on between Stefan and Damon. She ought to be thisclose to figuring everything out, right? I mean, I guess I can’t be objective, since I already know what she doesn’t know.

Elena: I hope you two can work it out.

Damon: I hope so, too.

Lies. He just wants to win.

Oh, and can we talk about the way that Stefan is pronounced on this show? They all say “Steffin,” and my inclination would be to say, “Stefaahn,” as in, Stefan Urquelle. That’s all.

And Bonnie makes some witch-progress, walking around the party and making candles ignite. Spooky, scary. (When’s the Halloween episode? Which character is going to dress like a vampire? I hope it’s one of the vampires!)

Damon and Elena join Stefan and Caroline on the dance floor, and Stefan and Elena dance to Matt Nathanson’s “All We Are.” (I own it on iTunes now. Don’t judge me!) (Whatever, I am just asking to be judged, blogging and all.)

Caroline: They look so cute together.

Damon: Don’t talk, please.

So, history is repeating itself, but not the part that Damon wanted to repeat (the having-sex-with-Stefan’s-girlfriend part).

Dancing R Us.

Dancing R Us.

While Stefan and Elena dance, she asks him to tell her his side of the whole Katherine story. Elena rubs Stefan’s shoulder in a very I’m-there-for-you way. “I burden you with all of my drama,” she says. “I want you to do the same.” (A very similar conversation happened on “True Blood.” I’m not faulting this show for it, just sayin’. In both shows, it was a good scene.)

Elena is frustrated that Stefan won’t “open up” to her. She doesn’t know that much about him!

Stefan blames this all on whatever Damon must have said to Elena.

Elena: This isn’t about Damon, it’s about me trying to get to know you. Look, you’re the Mystery Guy. And I like that. But with mystery comes secrets, and this thing with Katherine.

Stefan: Let it go. I don’t want to talk about it.

Elena: Well then say something about yourself. Anything. Otherwise I’m left with nothing but what other people tell me.

Stefan toes the Damon’s-turning-you-against-me line, and Elena says, “I guess it’s working” and exits the dance floor. Come on, Stefan! Elena has a good point. You need to throw her some sort of bone (HA) that makes her feel like she’s getting to know you. Or else… it’s not really a relationship.

The creepy thing is… does Stefan care about getting to know Elena? Or is he just content to know that she looks like Katherine, and that’s that?

Elena debriefs with Bonnie in the Founders’ House. “This is my fault,” Bonnie says. “I planted doubt. I’m a doubt-planter.” Elena feels terrible because she said she wouldn’t get in the middle of the Stefan-Damon feud, and then… she did. “I got all snotty,” she sighs. (Actually… I think you were right on the money, Elena.)

Now that the museum part of the house seems to be closed, Damon has Caroline guard the door as he steals a big amber crystal out of an old box. It’s a “very important crystal,” and Damon put it in the box “a long time ago.” Caroline seems clueless enough in this scene that I think Damon wiped her brain clear of the knowledge that he’s a vampire. (For now, at least.)

“Tonight I’m taking it back, thanks to you,” Damon says. Uh oh, I think that was Caroline’s purpose. Time to (maybe) die.

Caroline and Elena retouch their makeup in the bathroom, and Elena finally looks under Caroline’s scarf and sees the bite marks. Not only on her neck, but on her back. (And probably a few other places that Elena doesn’t see.) Of course, Caroline gets agitated and leaves the bathroom with a “leave me alone!” Leave Caroline Alone!

Elena finds Damon outside, and gives him a shove. “There is something seriously wrong with you,” she tells him. “You stay away from Caroline or I will go straight to her mother. The Sheriff.” Leave Caroline Alone! Ooh, coming from anyone other than Elena, Damon would NOT tolerate this treatment. He’d just bite her… or worse.

Of course, Elena’s lecture is the nail in Caroline’s coffin (maybe). Damon heads off, looking for her.

Elena finds Stefan contemplating some big pond/fountain thing. She tells him that she takes it all back about Damon–he’s messed up. Elena tells Stefan about Caroline’s bite marks, bruises, and general confusion.

Elena: You don’t look surprised.

Stefan: Um… I’m handling it.

Elena: Handling it? Stefan, you should be having him arrested.

COME ON, ELENA. You live in a world where Twilight exists. Put two and two together, here.

Stefan says that there are things that he wants to tell Elena, but he can’t. Can’t or won’t, Stefan? CAN’T OR WON’T?? He says he may never be able to tell her what’s going on. WHAT? That better not be true. There’s only so long that the secret-identity can be secret before it’s just redonk.

Stefan asks Elena to trust him. “Trust is earned,” she says. “I can’t just magically hand it over.” You go, girl! Stefan sees Damon leading Caroline away from the party, and rushes to stop whatever’s about to happen over there. It’s all very “Super-Man.” Sorry Lois, gotta fly!

Oh yeah, Vicki felt judged at the party, so she walked away in her jaundice-yellow dress, all the way to Elena’s house, where she makes out with Jeremy. Apparently Jeremy was the only person in the whole town who didn’t attend the Founders’ Party. Good thing, too, or he wouldn’t have been on makeout stand-by.

Damon is none too happy with Caroline. Maybe he didn’t clear her mind, after all. “I swear, I didn’t tell her,” Caroline says. “I just told her that you didn’t mean to hurt me.” Damon calms down, and walks behind Caroline, so she can’t see him. He hugs her, and smells her.

“You drive me crazy, you know that,” Damon says, kissing her neck and shoulders. “It’s okay. I forgive you.” It’s all very wonderfully creepy, and the music sets exactly the right headbanging-ish, eerie tone. (It’s “Believer” by Viva Voice, from an album very appropriately titled, “Get Yr Blood Sucked Out.”)

Damon puts his hand over Caroline’s heart, briefly. I like it when vampires take note of heartbeats. That’s something they don’t have!

“Unfortunately…” Damon says, still kissing Caroline’s neck. “I am so over you now.” And he bites her! Rawr! As he drinks her blood, he lowers her to the ground. And then… Damon falls back. CHOKE!

Yeah, because Caroline drank a glass full of vervain-champagne. Stefan steps out of the shadows and spirits Damon away. Caroline sees Damon’s amber crystal on the ground, and picks it up.

Somehow Damon managed to drink Caroline’s blood without spilling any of it, because his face isn’t messy. AND a few seconds later when Elena finds Caroline, Caroline’s white frock-thing is blood-free. Now, I can suspend my disbelief to a certain extent, but this is crazy-pants. Blood is messy stuff!

But whatever, that whole sequence was awesome. I could watch it over and over. (And I have, in the name of blogging.)

Elena asks Caroline what happened, and she says, “I’m fine,” over and over. But it’s not very convincing, because Caroline is hyperventilating. Elena gives her a comforting hug, which is what Stefan did for Elena at the end of last week’s episode. Pay it forward!

Stefan and Zach lock Damon up in the dungeon-basement vervain hot-house pot-house.

But wait, here comes the TWIST:

Mayor Lockwood, his bitch-wife, Caroline’s Sheriff-Mama and Reporter Logan all sit in the Founders’ House. They need Elena’s dad’s pocket watch because… Caroline’s mom knows that the “five bodies all drained of blood” were vampire victims. “They’ve come back,” Reporter-Logan intones. He’s also going to retrieve the watch, because… bow chicka wow wow with Aunt Jenna.

But wait… if they know about vampires, wouldn’t they also know that Stefan and Damon are… the original Salvatore brothers?

Those guys are REALLY going to wish that they’d thought of aliases.

Okay, that was it. Good times. Much to ponder. Namely… WHEN is Stefan going to drink some human blood? And WHEN is Elena going to find out that the Salvatore brothers are vampires? Sooner rather than later, I hope. On both fronts. Because I feel like we’re still waiting for something to HAPPEN here. But I’m enjoying the ride, so I can’t complain.


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Kanye Memes About TV Shows are LOL

September 16, 2009

You Could Be My Black Joan Holloway Tonight | Movieline_1253240400917

How could I resist posting a few of these Kanye memes? (I didn’t make any of them.) That was one for the “Mad Men” lovers.

(And if you don’t know what this is all about, crawl out from under your rock and watch this.)

Here are a few for the “True Blood” fans:

Roomie found this one (of course!):

probably not a surprise to those who read the books_1253152999504

There’s even a meme featuring the Interrupter from Conan! LOVE this guy!

tumblr_kq33papNQH1qa3i8uo1_1280.jpg (JPEG Image, 512x288 pixels)_1253240653797

I’ve never mentioned “Freakazoid” on here before because it’s long gone, but the meme-makers are reaching way back into the vault. I’m tickled, because this still is from one of my favorite episodes ever of one of my favorite cartoons ever (uh oh, I’m starting to sound like Kanye):

15 Interrupting Kanye Memes_1253045469597

If you didn’t understand that, you need to watch this. Either way, watch it!

Finally, here’s a “Glee” one. Don’t forget– there’s a new episode on FOX tonight, after “So You Think You Can Dance.”

I'mma Let You Finish_1253154303007

I think we’ll let Obama have the last word on this one.


Beyond Here Lies Nothin’: TRUE BLOOD Season 2 Finale

September 14, 2009
So they think they can dance: Sookie and Bill.

So they think they can dance: Sookie and Bill.

Episode 212, “Beyond Here Lies Nothin’” Air Date 9/13/09

First of all, the finale really wasn’t as batshit crazy as I expected… in fact, I kind of knew what was coming around every turn. But… I still enjoyed it. I’m excited for next season! As much as a I kvetch about these long recaps, I have so much fun writing about “True Blood.” I was kind of sad to write this, because… beyond here lies nothin’. For several months, at least.

I took some notes, but (believe it or not) a lot of this is from memory. Bear with me if this isn’t to-the-letter perfect…

Okay… Sookie’s up in Gran’s bedroom, and her bed’s a giant nest, blah blah blah. Lafayette tells Sookie to take off her clothes. (I don’t think that Lafayette is going to rape Sookie, but I think they WANT us to think that. This is the THIRD time that Sookie’s had an almost-rape this season… awkward.)

Sookie takes off her clothes (but not her strapless white bra), and Lafayette reaches out and… supplies her with a white dress to wear (NO rape, whew). Conveniently enough, her undergarments are perfectly suited for this sheer white dress. HA.

Sookie is forced downstairs, where Arlene, Tara, that fingerless lady, and Lafeyette (HA) are similarly clad in white dresses and wreaths, serving as bridesmaids to Maryann. (Since when do bridesmaids wear white?!) Maryann is wearing Gran’s wedding dress. Oh no she DIDn’t! Maryann says that Sookie’s not going to need a wedding dress anyway, because she’s dating a dead man. (Or WILL she need it? FORESHADOWING!)

Maryann is a jerk, but because I’m SURE she’s dying tonight and because Sookie’s sassing her, I’m tolerating her. Impending death makes the heart grow fonder. Yuck, she makes all of the bridesmaids drink some blood and lick it onto the egg. Sookie wants to know who laid the egg (was it Eggs?!), and it turns out that it’s an ostrich egg. Whew.

Sookie is super grossed-out about drinking the blood, but she’s always drinking everybody’s blood (well, vampires’ blood at least). She should be used to this, by now.

The rest of the bridesmaids leave the room, and Maryann asks Sookie to give her another electric shock. Sookie tries, but can’t. You can’t just order up an electric shock whenever you want, Maryann! Exposition exposition about various Maryann-related stuff (Sookie’s there to lure Sam, Sam’s the vessel because she met him when he was a young virgin, and he was drawn to her statue).

“What ARE you?” Maryann asks. “I’m a waitress,” Sookie replies… which, nice call-back to her convo with Bill in Episode 101. Maryann reveals that Sookie definitely isn’t human, or all that Maryann-vibrating would have given her the saucer-eyes by now. Also, Maryann lives off human energy, and Sookie’s giving her NOTHING.

Also: If a heart is the food of the gods, why did Maryann feed it to Tara and Eggs? She wasn’t hungry?

I’m not sure exactly where this slotted in, but Eric has replaced Bill in the Yahtzee! game (Ludis/Borat is still there). It’s pretty funny to see Eric playing Yahtzee! Exposition exposition Queen Sophie-Anne asking Eric if Bill is really monogamous with Sookie. Sophie-Anne asks if Eric’s in love with Sookie too, and he pauses before saying, “I don’t love humans.” Oh, he SO loves Sookie! Sookie’s Cousin Hadley listens intently.

Sophie-Anne cautions Eric not to taste Sookie, because if he does he’ll definitely fall in love with her? (WHAT IS SOOKIE!?) (Maybe part-fairy, according to the books?)

We find out that Sophie-Anne knows that Bill knows that Eric is selling V. Her guards hear everything. And Sophie-Anne is Eric’s vampire blood supplier. TWIST!

Sophie-Anne tackles Eric to the floor and they have a hot (for Eric) fang-licking makeout. (Roomie is NOT HAPPY about this. In case you haven’t heard, Evan Rachel Wood and Alexander Skarsgard are dating.) (This show is like a couples-making factory.) It doesn’t get very far, because Sophie-Anne likes women. But she tells Eric to take care of Bill, because he knows too much about the V selling. UH OH.

Jason and Andy are all ready to save the town. If Sookie’s not human, maybe Jason isn’t either? Maybe he can resist the saucer-eyed mind-takeover? But no, as soon as he and Andy enter the fray, they get punched in the face (of course), and they get the saucer eyes. OH NO. Terry, Eggs, and a few other guys are groomsmen, wearing button-up white shirts and wreaths in their hair. This totally looks like a destination wedding. Hawaii, maybe.

Meanwhile, Sam and Bill are back at Merlotte’s, continuing their uneasy partnership. The odd couple! Sam has just finished putting Coby and Lisa to sleep (just for the night; not euthanasia) in his trailer. Bill’s irritated that Sam didn’t let him glamour the kids to sleep. Time is of the essence!

I have been giving Bill crap this season for being a wimp, but after re-watching Season 1, I realize that Bill is just an all-around nice guy. Okay, maybe he did commit some heinous Bonnie & Clyde-style crimes with Lorena, but at this point he’s definitely the good guy. But everybody treats him like a monster! Sob. (What came first, the monster or people treating him like a monster? Discuss.) (But actually Sam is about to trust him A LOT, so whatever.)

Oh, some of the townspeople have been crazy-eyed into knowing how to play the violin. (WHAT?) Because this wedding needs to be a typical westernized wedding, complete with the wedding march on violins, if the Greek god is going to show up. Right? (WHAT?)

Maryann puts her bloody ostrich egg up into the meat sculpture, and starts her chanty wedding ceremony. She says the names of different Greek gods, and the congregation of crazies repeats the names. Um, maybe this is because the High Holidays are coming up, but this really feels like Rosh Hashana for crazies.

Bill shows up with Sam, and trades Sam for Sookie. For some reason (which I guess reveals itself later), Bill and Sookie stay there to watch. Sam sits there with his chest exposed, waiting to get slaughtered. Sookie and I are both screaming, “Use your powers, Sam! Shift!”

Eggs stabs Sam in the chest. Oh nooo. Bill whispers, “Use YOUR powers.” I am confused. What is Sookie supposed to do? I think she’s confused too. But then she runs up to Sam and listens to his thoughts. Basically he’s saying, “Sookie… sorry.” I’d be thinking “OW OW OW OW OW OW OWWWW.”

Sookie grabs the egg out of the meat sculpture and smashes it. KA-POW! She gets her powers of electricity back and knocks over the Great Mass of Horn-Shaped Meat (and maybe cooks it?). Maryann decides to kill all of the townspeople to repay the god for the ruined meat, but Sookie’s like, Oh no you DON’T. These are my townspeople!

So… Maryann puts her hands into the dirt and turns into the Bull-Human again. “BULL HUMAN!” I yell, because it’s fun to say. Maryann chases Sookie down the road. Seriously? AGAIN?

Just as Maryann is about to shred Sookie with her Bull-Human claws (AGAIN) (Where is Bill?), she stops in her tracks. Why? Because… here comes “the god who comes.” It’s a bull. Get it? Very Greek. Very with-horns. In a very beautiful scene with noir lighting, Maryann approaches the bull and offers herself to him.

Right about now I work out that Bill must have healed Sam (he just got stabbed; his heart wasn’t removed yet), and that Sam must be the bull. But shhhh, we’re not supposed to know that yet.

So the bull stabs his horn right into Maryann’s chest. She’s like, oh yeah, that hurts so good. Then the bull turns back into naked-Sam, and instead of a horn in Maryann’s chest, it’s Sam’s hand. (Shouldn’t it be his head in her chest? Whatever, supernatural rules.) Sam pulls Maryann’s gross gray heart out of her chest, and somehow she still manages to say, “Was there no god?” before she shrivels up. What a deep and philosophical final thought.

Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead! (And Sookie was Dorothy, and Sam was Toto? Whatever.)

I was kind of hoping that Eric would fly in and play “the god who comes,” but I guess he’s too busy plotting out Bill’s demise (spoiler alert). And it makes more sense for Sam to kill Maryann, since she’s been after him all season. Congrats, Sam! You did it.

Sookie’s totally surprised that Sam is alive, and Bill comes stumbling out of the bushes, holding his wrist and looking paler than usual. Sam drank a LOT of his blood. Sookie asks Bill to go bury Maryann’s body. Can somebody PLEASE give Bill some blood to drink? He’s stumbling around and looking paler than usual. Save Bill!

Okay, given that Sam drank so much of Bill’s blood… are Sam and Bill going to be connected now, the way that Lafayette/Sookie are connected to Eric, and Sookie is connected to Bill? Blood brothers!

“I’m sorry if I worried you,” Bill says to Sookie as she cradles him in her arms. (He needs blood, people!) “I so badly wished that you could hear my thoughts.” Aww. (Sookie can hear all thoughts except for vampire thoughts.) (But I bet he’s glad she can’t hear his thoughts most of the time… couples! Bickering!)

All of the crazy-eyes go back to being normal-eyes, and can’t figure out what the HECK is going on. Arlene is freaking out because her kids aren’t answering the phone. It’s because they’re sleeping in Sam’s trailer. Duh. Sheriff Dearborne says that he’ll give Andy his badge back tomorrow morning, because at least Andy’s wearing pants right now. (Ha.)

Sam sits on Sookie’s porch, watching a deer. Oh, he’s sad that Daphne’s gone. Now he’s all alone and loveless, and he’s the only shifter he knows. Bill talks to Sam for a few minutes (thanks for trusting me, blah blah), and when Sam turns back… the deer is gone.

Eggs is freaking out because there’s blood on his hands. He’s annoying me, now. (Spoiler alert: He’ll be dead soon.) Almost-rapist #2, Mike Spencer, is still knocked out cold on Sookie’s kitchen floor. (When I went back and watched Season 1, I was surprised to see that he had a fairly sizable role last season, seeing as how he is the coroner and girls were dying left and right.)

Sookie goes upstairs to Bill and asks him how long until dawn. He consults his watch. “Forty-one minutes.” (Does Bill wake up every morning and Google the sunrise/sunset tables? I used to do that when I made call sheets.) Sookie asks Bill to hold her for the next forty minutes, and he obliges. Fade to black. (I hope somebody gave him some blood to drink. Seriously!)

The next day, life is more or less back to normal at Merlotte’s. Charlaine Harris (writer of the “Southern Vampire Mysteries” books, which this show is based on) has a one-line cameo as a bar patron. Nice job! Arlene sits at a booth hugging Coby and Lisa. They tell her that Sam introduced them to a flying vampire, and she doesn’t freak out!

Terry comes up to the table and gives the kids some toy guns (eek). He says that he’ll take care of Mama at work, if they take care of her at home. (He seems less PTSD than usual. Did the crazy-eyes incident help to cure him?) As Sam orders Terry and Arlene back to work, the kids ask if Arlene saw Rene when she was away. She says no, and once she’s gone Coby and Lisa agree that Rene must be dead. (I love those kids!) (“Are they the only kids in town?” Roomie asks.)

Hoyt’s mom has recovered from the crazy-eyes, and he figures out that everything she said was true. Hoyt is REALLY pissed because Maxine used the burglar who killed his daddy (who didn’t exist) as an excuse to keep Hoyt from ever leaving home.

The fingerless lady is sitting at a table at Merlotte’s, bragging to a bunch of old men about how her finger was re-attached. Andy and Jason sit at a nearby table, and Andy yells that the truth is that she found her finger in a meat sculpture, and that he saw her taking it from behind with Mike Spencer. (Awk, Andy.) Finger-lady (Joan Boathouse?) jokes that whatever Andy’s drinking, she wants some of it. He’s drinking Diet Coke with lime. He’s sober now!

Even though Jason and Andy ended up with the crazy-eyes, Jason decides that he and Andy must be the heroes who saved the town. Oh Jason, you will never stop being stupid. “It’s like, if a tree falls in the woods, it’s still a tree, ain’t it?” Jason says. Because if they intended to be heroes, they must be heroes. He’s totally the George W. Bush of Bon Temps. Mission accomplished!

Some fat ladies who only drink Mountain Dew because there could be poison in the water sit in the bar and say stupid stuff about how Maryann was really a Martian. No no no– Martians are Season 5! (Just kidding?)

Sookie’s being a waitress again… I think for the first time all season. Lafayette has already told her that he doesn’t want to know a THING about what happened while he was crazy-eyed. It seems like Sam, Sookie, and the rest of the non-crazy eyes are trying to make it seem like there was some freaky vodka on the market that made everyone nuts? Whatever. A woman comes in with a delivery for Sookie from an “admirer,” and she takes it outside to open it up.

Aw, it’s a purple dress from Bill. He wants to take Sookie out on a nice date! Sookie’s swooning over his card when a hand clasps her on the shoulder. It’s Eggs– he needs to know why there was blood on his hands. Sookie uses her mild-melding skills to help Eggs recall that he was Maryann’s knife-wielder. UH OH.

Eggs runs away in a kind of funny, girly way… it looks like he’s clutching his stomach? This reminds me of the scene in “Austin Powers 3″ (I think) where Scotty runs like a girl. And/or the scene in the bomb episode where Lorena ran away from Bill. Running away from camera is awkward! Ha. So many emotions! Must run away!

Night. Bill is all dressed up in a suit, and Jessica is in a red dress. She’s off to apologize to Hoyt (not really), and Bill says that in his day the man came courting… but times change. Sigh. Speaking of: Bill’s hair has been different than normal this episode, and it’s bugging me. Instead of that deep side-part, his bangs are totally in his face.

Bill is taking Sookie out to a French restaurant… he hasn’t been to one in over seventy years. “Humans seem to love them,” he says to Jessica. “They go there to celebrate.” Bill tells Jessica to be back by 4am (ha), and he opens the front door for her. Aw, sweet. Gentleman Bill!

Sam shows up at the front door of a Mrs. Merlotte. Oh, it’s his mom. No, it’s his adoptive mom. There aren’t any pictures of Sam on her mantle, because how would she explain him to the people who thought she never had children? “We never thought we’d see you again,” Mrs. Merlotte says. “Never say never when there’s the Internet,” Sam replies. Good one!

Mrs. Merlotte doesn’t want to tell Sam who his real parents are. She swore to them that she’s never tell him, and besides, “They’re bad people.” “I guess you know a thing or two about that,” Sam zings, to the lady who abandoned him when she found out that he was a shifter.

They go upstairs to Mr. Merlotte, who is all hooked up to machines and dying. He gives Sam a note with the names of Sam’s birth parents. At the bottom it says, “I’m sorry.” Aww.

Hoyt shows up at Bill’s house with flowers for Jessica. He’s all dressed up. Awww. But Jessica went to Hoyt’s house? Or did she…

Seedy truck stop: Jessica is making out with a truck-driver, in the front seat of his rig. She tells him that she’s a virgin, and he’s really enthused… until she attacks his neck. This is like the vampire version of “To Catch a Predator.”

Hoyt sets the flowers down on the front porch and walks away… I think that he and Jessica will reunite next season. She’s a new vampire… she needs to get her kicks before she can commit to a nice guy like Hoyt.

Bill and Sookie arrive at the fancy French restaurant. Bill bought it out. Aww. He says that he doesn’t want anybody else to see her tonight. On first glance I think he’s being a little bit Edward-from-”Twilight” on the possessive scale. Upon further reflection, though… Bill and Sookie face a lot of discrimination as a couple, and I think he wants to be able to enjoy her company without feeling the disapproving glares of other patrons.

It’s also important that they’re alone, because… no witnesses (you’ll see). Although Bill wouldn’t know that.

Sookie asks what Bill is supposed to do at a restaurant (other than look at her) if he can’t eat. Bill wants to dance! Suddenly there’s country music playing. Ahaha. In a refined French restaurant (that actually looks like a house). Sookie and Bill dance, and Roomie sighs that it’s even cuter knowing that they’re a couple in real life (but she’s mad at Skarsgard and ER Wood… haha).

We see the dancing from several angles, including one angle from some sort of second-floor balcony. On second viewing, I believe this is foreshadowing… they’re being watched.

The question on our minds: Is Bill going to propose?

But first, some dark stuff. Andy is headed out to his car. As you may recall, Season 1 ended with Andy finding a dead body in his car, so I’m all geared up for a dead body. But no… here comes Eggs, holding Maryann’s bloody sacrificial knife. He confesses to the killings of Miss Jeanette, Daphne, and almost-Sam. Andy tries to shoo Eggs away… he knows that Eggs was under Maryann’s spell. But Eggs wants to be locked away. He wrestles Andy to the ground and threatens him with the knife. Lock me up!

BAM! Jason shoots Eggs in the back of the head. He thinks that Eggs was trying to kill Andy. UH OH. Andy grabs the murder weapon and wipes it off, and tells Jason to get out of there. Um, Eggs is shot in the back of the head, so it’s going to be hard for Andy to argue self-defense. Everyone runs out of the bar, and Tara FREAKS her shit OUT when she sees that Eggs is dead. But it’s probably for the best, because he was capital-T Troubled.

Back at the fancy dinner, Bill has a gift for Sookie. A ring?! No, plane tickets to Burlington, Vermont. Bill loves maple syrup? No… that’s where it’s legal for vampires and humans to get married. Bill pulls out part two of his gift. OMG! A ring! Roomie and I are eating this up. But…

Season 1 took place over a month, maybe, plus a “three weeks later” tag in the finale. Season 2 took place over… maybe two weeks. So… Bill and Sookie have known each other for three months, tops. What’s the rush, Bill? “He’s been around long enough to know love when he sees it,” Roomie intones in a hilarious Southern accent. (To paraphrase Beyonce: He likes it, so he wants to put a ring on it.)

(This is kind of life-imitating-art, because Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin are engaged now. I wonder which came first– Bill’s proposal or Stephen’s?)

So… Bill is asking Sookie to marry him. “Assuming that last night didn’t scare you off weddings for good.” HA. Sookie just sits there, looking confused. Bill begs her to say something. Aw, if he wasn’t already dead, he’d be dying right now! Sookie says that in her dreams she always says yes to a proposal, but… her life is inside out right now. She doesn’t even know if she’s human!

“What?” Bill asks, hilariously. I guess Sookie didn’t download him about her talk with Maryann last night. Sookie only knows one other person like her, and it’s Barry! (Ooh, is Barry going to be back?) PLUS, Sookie adds, she’s going to grow old, and Bill isn’t! She’s freaking out.

“I don’t care about any of that,” Bill says. “I want you just as you are.” “I don’t even know what I am!” Sookie freaks. She excuses herself to the bathroom. Oh, she’s a sobby mess. Back at the table, Bill sits with his hands clasped. He is really sad! Aww.

Sookie looks at herself in the mirror for a while, then puts the ring on. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! (Okay, that’s what she said to Hugo, if you’ve been following along.)

BUT while Sookie’s deliberating, somebody sneaks up on Bill and VAMPIRE-NAPS him! Gloved hands gag him with a silver chain and pull him out of the frame. Is it Eric or Lorena? It’s definitely the work of vampires because, A) he would have heard a human sneaking up on him, B) the hands holding the silver were wearing protective gloves, and C) Eric said he’d take care of Bill. The worst part is that poor Bill got kidnapped without knowing whether Sookie was going to say yes or no.

Sookie runs out of the restroom, full of the happiness of YES, and finds that Bill’s chair is knocked over and the restaurant door is hanging open. She already screamed at the end of the last episode, so instead she just says, “Bill?”

And then “Beyond Here Lies Nothin’” plays.

It totally makes sense that Bill is kidnapped, because I’m guessing that Season 3 is going to be based on Book Three of the Southern Vampire Mysteries series. (Can they please leave out the part where Bill rapes Sookie in the trunk of a car? Thanks.)

Ugh, now we have to wait for Season 3. It had better be awesome! Looks like people are going to be finding themselves… and hopefully some of them will also be finding Bill, since he’s ‘napped and all.


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Interview with a Pam-pire

September 12, 2009
Pams got you in her vault.

Pam's got you in her vault.

Ugh, the season finale of “True Blood” is tomorrow night, and I have such mixed feelings. On the one hand, I’m so happy to (hopefully!) be done with Maryann, but on the other I’m IRRITATED that the whole season (including the finale) revolved around her. She is the worst! It’s also sad to know that it will be almost another year before we see a new episode… here’s hoping for even more Eric and Pam, next time around.

Sad spoiler alert: Pam will not be in the finale. I love her big hair and decade-hopping fashion sense. And you KNOW I love it when Pam and Eric speak Swedish. EW’s PopWatch posted a nice long interview with Kristin Bauer, who plays Pam. Here’s an excerpt, where she talks about the Swedish of it all!

Is there anything negative you can say about him [Alexander Skarsgard] to help subdue our crushes while we wait for season 3?
Like when a guy breaks up with you, you look for something really bad to focus on? Yeah, good luck finding that with Alexander. There’s nothin’ bad about the guy. Sorry. [Laughs] You’re all just gonna have to pine. He has an amazing sense of humor. After every Swedish take, I look at him, and he sort of nods. Once, he went and saw the footage. I said, “How was I? Was my Swedish good?” He said, “No. You sound like a Russian prostitute.” Of course, the comeback line was, “How would you know?” but I thought of it months later. In fact, I think someone else thought of it. But after every take, I go, “Russian prostitute? Or am I near the border of Sweden?”

So you hadn’t spoken any Swedish before the show?
No. And I still don’t. Alexander records what sounds to me like gibberish, and I play this jibberish over and over until I can regurgitate the jibberish, and I just hope that I’m sounding somewhat Swedish. That’s definitely nerve-wracking. My husband [Abri van Straten, lead singer of the South African band The Lemmings] is of Swedish descent as well, so he learns it with me. I just repeat it to him 100 times a day. It’s seared into my frontal cortex because I can still remember all my Swedish lines — not my English lines — from the whole season.

And Alexander is good about translating? He doesn’t trick you into saying dirty words?
He’s very good about that — as far as I know. That’s a trick my husband pulls. He’s teaching me phrases in Afrikaans, and he just keeps telling me not to say them around his mother. I have no idea what I’m saying, but he laaaaughs.

Did you read with Alexander for your audition?
No. We were cast separately. I didn’t meet him until I was on the set, in the leather corset, and in another time zone because I started on True Blood 17 hours after arriving back from the Philippines. I remember Alexander was speaking Swedish, and I said, “Is that Cambodian?” I was just so out of it. I couldn’t breathe, my feet hurt, and I thought for some reason he was Cambodian. But I remember thinking he was very crushworthy.

Apparently the Season 2 DVD is going to have a big special feature all about Pam. Cool beans! (I recommend that you follow the link and read the whole article.)

Rachel pulled up a quote from Stephen Moyer (aka Vampire Bill) that said that the finale is going to be craaaaazy. Even crazier than the usual “True Blood” hijinx? I’m very intrigued.


You Probably Want Me to Say Something About VAMPIRE DIARIES

September 11, 2009
Two Vampires, A Girl, and a Graveyard Place.

Two Vamps, A Girl, and a Graveyard Place.

If you read this blog, you know that I’m a big fan of the “True Blood.” (Understatement?) So you are probably expecting me to say a few words about the newest vampire show on the block: “Vampire Diaries.” It premiered last night on the CW.

The commercials make it look a lot like  “Twilight,” but the books came before “Twilight.” “Vamp Diaries” probably doesn’t have any Mormon subtext (leave me alone, there is Mormon subtext in “Twilight”), which means that on “Vampire Diaries” they will likely have sexy times (even though they are in high school). (Why am I picking on Mormons so much today?) (Eh, they can take it.)

I am always in favor of sexy times on the TV. But I think “True Blood” is going to win in this category because… adults. HBO.

I didn’t watch “Vampire Diaries” last night. I actually watched the pilot a few months ago, because there are perks to working in TV (or something like that). I remember that there was a crow, and horny high schoolers, and a party in the woods, and a vampire attack, and an uncle who was not really an uncle, and an evil-but-funny brother who was also a vampire, and a ring that could give a vampire the ability to walk in the daylight. Handy!

This ad has been posted all over LA, and it makes me feel weird because the girl is supposed to be in high school. Too sexy!

You look like vamipre bait. -Vampire Bill

"You look like vamipre bait." -Vampire Bill

I know, I know, she’s probably twenty-seven years old in real life. Still! Is she being a good role-model for teen girls? (Oh wait, this is the CW.) This may not look THAT sexual, when you see the 50-foot-tall version of this, you definitely feel like, wow, look at her legs. Whoa. Sex.

Okay, enough with the granny-talk and back to the show. Was I in love? No. Did I like it more than “True Blood?” No. Did I like it at all? Yes. I mean, come on. Vampires! I even liked “Moonlight,” and those vampires ate food and walked around in the sun without a special ring or any regard for vampire rules. I yelled at the screen when I watched “Moonlight,” but I tolerated it, because… vampires. Vampires are fun times! And “True Blood” is ending this weekend, so it’s nice to know I’ll have somewhere to turn for a vampire fix.

But it won’t be the same…

I can’t wait for season three of “True Blood.”


“GLEE Kids Hooray!”

September 10, 2009
L is for Love this show!

L is for "Love this show!"

I am introducing a new category called Small Bites, which is for TV show commentaries that are not actually recaps. Just a little sample platter! (I think I’ll retroactively add a few of the previous posts that didn’t fit into the full-fledged “recap” definition.) Not to be confused with Tasty TV Morsels, which is about individuals. Or Aftertaste, which is about shows that are RIP.

So we all saw the pilot (or preview, whatever they’re calling it) of “Glee,” and it was great. A lot of people wondered if the second episode (“Showmance”) could live up to the hype.

Well, I just spent my lunch break watching it on Hulu, and I was shrieking with laughter (sorry, co-workers).

A few highlights:

-Jane Lynch (Cheerios coach) tried to offer Will an iron pill to help with his menstruation. Turns out, neither of them menstruate. She also said that she had her wealthy, elderly mother euthanized. I loved that she made a string of horribly un-PC comments, but when Will said one rather tame thing, she coughed, “Offensive.” (I think we all know somebody like that.)

-Jane Lynch’s melodramatic smoothie drop re: unauthorized use of the Cheerios copy machine. When Rachel and Finn didn’t receive her punishment of choice (she thought that they ought to be hobbled), she seethed, “Lady Justice wept today.”

-While viewing a room in an open house with a “The Princess Sleeps Here” sign over the bed, Will’s wife said, “This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep.”

-To afford the house, Will became a part-time janitor at the high school… and looked very cute in his uniform.

-Thomas couldn’t believe that this got past the censors… (There were a lot of “can’t believe this cleared!” moments.)

Rachel: I guess I don’t have a gag reflex.

Emma (red-headed counselor): One day when you’re older, that will turn out to be a gift.

-The hilarious brochures that Emma had on display in her office:

I can't stop touching myself!

I can't stop touching myself!

The one she handed to Rachel was entitled, “So You Like Throwing Up.”

(I’m so proud of that screen-grab.)

-The Celibacy Club meeting, where one male member hilariously referred to ejaculation as “Cinco de Mayo!” (Runner up: The bully guy said that one Cheerio’s skirt was so short that when she bent over he could “see her ovaries.”) Also, how great was Rachel’s defiant speech about how abstinence doesn’t work? She boldly (for high school) declared that girls are just as horny as boys.

-The flashback to Finn’s driving lesson had me screaming with laughter at the moment of surprise. (Also, Finn is dating Quinn? Confusing.)

-The assembly, where Emma yelled, “Glee kids hooray!” and Pricipal Figgins hilariously closed his eyes and swayed serenely whilst the Glee club bumped and grinded to Salt ‘n Pepa’s “Push It.” The sexual dancing was so wonderfully over the top.

-Jane Lynch’s line in the post-assembly meeting: “My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care.”

-Did anybody else notice that we have two “True Blood” alums? Kevin McHale (Artie/wheelchair kid) was the coroner’s asst/goth Fangtasia patron/fourth man in the fire last season, and Patrick Gallagher (Coach Ken) plays Chao, the vampire who steps in as a co-owner of Fangtasia after Longshadow dies.

-Rachel and Finn drank virgin cosmos out of “cups from an airplane” at a pillow-laden picnic that Rachel laid out on the stage. They kissed, but Finn ran away because… Cinco de Mayo!

-Will’s crazy wife found out that she wasn’t really pregnant but neglected to inform Will. However, she decided that he could drop his second gig as after-school janitor, and that they didn’t have to move to a bigger house. So… I don’t hate her. But she’s crazy.

The singing was obviously lip synced, but… oh well. That’s par for the course.

What were your favorite parts?


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A Week Without a TRUE BLOOD

September 6, 2009
Im returning to the simpler times of season one.

I'm delving into the simpler times of season one.

There’s no new “True Blood” tonight, but I’m watching it anyway. How, you ask? Today I made a Target run and bought the “True Blood” season one DVD set. Roomie is catching up on it as I type, and I’m along for the ride. On my TV right now, Coby and Lisa are watching Bill speak at the Descendants of the Glorious Dead meeting (Ep 105). Teacup humans!

Cody: Mama, he’s so white.

Arlene: No honey, we’re white. He’s dead.

The season two finale of “True Blood” is next weekend. Thanks a lot, Labor Day! You’re ruining everything. (Actually, I have a feeling that they’re taking a week off to have a Season 2-so-far marathon to drum up a huge finale audience.) (I checked, and they’re playing 309-311.) Another reason I’m glad to have the season one DVDs on hand. I’m going to go into withdrawal!

Remember how I pointed out that all of the episodes in season two are named after songs, and that the respective songs are also the end-credit music? Well, the finale is called “Beyond Here Lies Nothing,” which is the same (Bob Dylan) song that HBO used in the season two promo. So, the season is beginning and ending with “Beyond Here Lies Nothing.” It’s the circle of life! Or, of the undead? Whichever. And beyond that episode lies nothing… until season three.

I think that’s pretty cool.


Snack of the Afternoon, 8/31/09: GREEN GRAPES (and Eggs)

August 31, 2009
Good times and green grapes.

Good times and green grapes.

We have a whole big mound of fruit in the kitchen today (including mangoes), so this should be a good week of eatin’, fruit-wise.

There was also a new pint (or whatever it’s called) of Americone Dream, so I had a bit of that, too. Hard to resist. And if I had access to my Limeade (from the makers of Simply Orange!), I’d be chugging it. That Limeade was goooood.

While I was fetching this snack, I ran into a co-worker/writer who is also a “True Blood” aficionado (and a jokester). He said that he thinks that Eggs laid that big egg in last night’s episode, and the rest of us snack-seekers laughed. “Where’d he get the nickname from?” he asked, and we said, “His name is Benedict. Eggs Benedict, you see?”

“So you think it’s just lazy writing?” My co-worker asked (and I paraphrase). “He’s been sitting [pun intended?] on the nickname Eggs all season, and now there’s a giant egg? And that’s a coincidence?”

When you put it that way, it kind of makes sense. Is it bananas that I’m seriously considering the Eggs-laid-an-egg hypothesis?

And Jason DID have that line about whether Sam ever turned into a chicken and laid an egg. Maybe they’re setting us up for the weird and wacky possibility that Eggs is a chicken-shifter, or something? We know that Maryann loves shifters.

Or did someone else lay the egg, and Eggs is just the nest-maker/egg-keeper?

Okay, snack on that. (Yuck.)



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